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| Feelings from the past
Posted: 7/20/2006 11:45:06 AM | | I also slept with Ashly while you were dating her. So I don't want to comment here. | |
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| Feelings from the past
Posted: 7/20/2006 11:59:50 AM | ^Msg 27: Yea, people sometimes tend to glorify the past, remembering only the good stuff and forgetting why the ex is an ex, unless one consciously reminds one's self of what led to the break-up.
Hey, david, within about 15 years, Ashly will probably have had a boat load of kids, all by different men (see ^Msg 28 - LOL!), been divorced a few times and gained a bunch of weight. Then, you'll probably be wondering why you WASTED all those years hung up on her, possibly having lost the chance to have a real relationship with someone decent, who would be better to you.
You are so young. This as an opportunity for you to go out, explore the world and not settle for some skanky chick who would sleep around on you, especially with your "best" (?) friend. Finding a new circle of best friends would probably do you a world of good, too.
I hope that the humor in this thread helped lighten your spirits. Sometimes, laughter can be the best medicine. | |
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zinf
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Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 30 | |
| Feelings from the past
Posted: 7/20/2006 12:01:51 PM | I don't think it necesarily has to be true.
And what's the first real love anyway, do you count all those from all the way back in Middle school? | |
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| Is This Love or Emotional Dependency?
Posted: 7/20/2006 12:34:00 PM | Is This Love or Emotional Dependency?
Learn to distinguish the difference between being in love and being emotionally dependent on someone - between loving from your mature adult self or loving from your wounded self.
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Ex-girlfriend recently broke up with you, you asked the following question:
"You think you still love her, but are this love or just emotional dependency? Many times you ask yourself if falling in love comes from the wounded self because (for you at least) it feels as if you can't live without the other person. When you give love from the heart you don't expect anything back, but when you fall in love you think this is a different energy."
Falling in love can come from two different inner states. When you fall in love from the wounded self - the ego self - you are in love with how the other person loves you. You are handing over to the other person the responsibility for your self-worth and wellbeing, and if he or she does a good job of attending to you in the way you want to be attended to, then you may say you are "in love." However, it is not so much the person you love, but how he or she loves you. When it feels as if you can't live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is "in love" is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another's love, which is why you can't live without that person.
When you fall in love as a loving adult instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally different. As a loving adult, you have learned how to fill yourself with love and define your own worth. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel lovable and worthy, you already feel worthy and full of love. You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love from a Divine Source. This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love. Your desire is to share love rather than to get love.
The kind of person you will pick will be totally different when a loving adult is choosing than when your wounded self is choosing. The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health. Obviously, the more you have done your inner work to connect with Divine Love and bring that love within to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone also does this.
When you pick from your wounded self, you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill up him or her. Two people who each want to get love rather than share love will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved. When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness.
If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can't live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be "in love" rather than "in need." You will be able to love another person for who he or she is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it and feel filled in the giving.
Yours truly,
Stiffin
stiffin@gmail.com | |
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| Feelings from the past
Posted: 7/20/2006 1:05:53 PM | Occasionally, yeah, but I treat these feelings like, well, without being too harsh, weeds. They serve no useful purpose and they clutter up my lawn, so I yank them out or mow them down. Healthier for the other plants, so to speak.
And if the first love is always the best, I am going to have a lot of trouble finding my long lost love of grade 3. I'm sure she still thinks of me too, lol. | |
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