iris37
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Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 26 | |
| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 11:51:53 AM | Athletic_funny3....
I beg to differ but that why we have the forums to exercise our right to have opinion.
Sometimes men/woman think they are ready for a serious comittment thinking they may never find the dream girl/guy they are looking for.When she does hit him upside the head he gets a little scared (careful what you wish for)....I've seen it happen and yes given time some do come to their senses and would like to rekindle the relationhip having it stronger than ever...in one case even marriage....he took time in his cave and came to the relization he didn't not want to go through life with out her...doesn't always happen but it does sometimes is all that I'm saying.
Having said that yes I agree there are plenty of guys out there and would use this an excuse but each situation has to judged by its own merrits.....should not paint every situation with the same brush.
Lets face why wouldn't any of be a little nervous/scared most have all been hurt one time or another and none of us want to feel that kind of pain again...nothing wrong with taking time to sort through your thoughts. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 11:59:56 AM | | That's fine IRis.. but SCARED is the wrong word. It sounds like you are talking about men who are settling for something less than they want and so decide to get out of the relationship. Then they see that the dream girls are not interested in them and fear of being alone sets in (not fear of commitment). Then they decide to go back and settle for something less than they really want. I think this is the majority of people. But "Fear of committing to the wrong women" is not the same as "Fear of Commitment to any women" as you women put it. Put a supermodel in front of him and see how fast he commits to her. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 12:15:21 PM | So guys...what makes you feel that way? What makes you decide to run? Why are you afraid of committments?
I agree that a great relationship only comes around once or twice if one is lucky. I am feeling pretty lucky these days to have found a great guy. I am proud to call him my boyfriend just as I hope he's proud to call me his girlfriend. We get along great and always have a good time when we were together. In the first 6 months we've not had one disagreement nor difference of opinion.  | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 12:41:58 PM | hi it happens
i get scared when people make assumptions about me that aint true, usually intuition tells you to be weary and if the pain you suffered before was that bad, it usually means that its going to happen again if you let it
i'm only human and i find that if i open up too much people can turn that against me and that really hurts
intuition has taught me to trust my instincts... | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 1:45:39 PM | Athletic.....excuse me, women DO NOT believe everything. I for one believe my eyes than my ears. Anybody thinks sweet talk works on me, be my guest, but I'm telling everyone I've been spoiled since I was 18. Hard to beat. Whoever says he's loving, caring, da da da.....but on the other hand his walk never matches his talk. What does it tell you? No no no, I don't get upset easily, I'd simply laughing. Yet give it a try to see how long we can walk and talk, in that way before hitting the highway.
Now let's talk about him being scared. Shame on me I need to share this experience I felt truly sorry for myself. There was a time I met this guy who fell for me. At first it was kind of excited for the unusual way we met, thus I'd never dated anybody in that range so far. Not to mention I was a bit down and lonesome at the time, though he's not my type, it wouldn't hurt to keep him as a back up plan I figured. Being upfront I offered him the "AS IS" package that included but not limited to: Weekends would be mostly occupied, but please stand by. My mood changed constantly, no excuse or explain would be provided. Preferred to stay home for budgetwise. Ate your breakfast came after lunch then left before supper......harsh you think? Don't you worry! I was confident he'd compromise, because I knew he's so much INTO me!
Be fair, can't say he's a perfect company but better than nobody around. Being flexiable he came to my place whenever I asked him, this guy was so desperate (hey I saw your eye-rolling). BUT I cooked for him....well, mostly for myself as eating out was very time consuming. Fancy restaurants are for my drop dead gorgeous sweetheart from Italy. This puppet guy didn't know where he stand, he did emphasize he's allergic to onions making it such a big deal, that I got caught in the kitchen for one time. Had to give up the yummy sauce mixed with onions for the pasta. Needless to say that pasta for me was tasteless and awful! That's not fair! I was the one who cooked and why would I be compromised? So the second time I did it again and if he asked, I'd just pretend I forgot. Honestly I couldn't care less. But he didn't say anything at all, see, that's my point.
Most of the time he'd love to stay over, indeed he'd been very sweet and tender. Touched me and kissed me all the time, even told me he loved me. Com..on, who on earth believed that, we'd dated for a few months only. And his sleeping problems really annoyed me. He didn't sleep well all the time when I got up to work, he'd stay in bed until noon (he's a so-called freelancer). Wait a second, he's allowed to stay over night didn't necessarily mean he could stay as long as he wished. The little tricks I always let the blinds on deliberately, for quite a few times I wanted to yell: Man!! Got up and it's time to go!!!! But I'm a caring person so how could I do that? As a second thought only I left home without kissing him goodbye, for those lovebirds normally do to each other. Hum....now you wonder how loving I could be 
Back to the subject, where were we?? Oh yes, he got scared, definitely! You bet!! I have absolutely no doubt about it, even the blinds can see. Because the other day I just tried to fit in his shoes, it hurt, seriously  | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 1:48:56 PM | Hello All,
Now what if we change it up a little bit, say... both people coming out of long marriages and both going through a divorce. Noone ever mentions "being scared" but both feel the connection and also the fear, especially since neither of them are even really over the emotions of their divorces yet (both were cheated on by their spouse).
They became lovers and comfort, but the more heated it got the further they both pulled, I guess that makes sense then doesn't it? Eventhough they are a perfect match, both still too wounded.
Then what would the opinion be in this scenario? | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:00:23 PM | You do look a little scary on this bed, with these beautiful brown eyes and perfect pair of legs....i would run too but in the other direction  hehe
On the serious note, seems like this guy wants to get out without any bad feelings.
Left you.. loving you..very clean cut. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:18:50 PM | | He needs counseling..see if his insurance covers mental health counseling..fear of commitments can be a part of a mental disorder...I suggest he gets some therapy .. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:42:14 PM | I tend to agree a little with atheletic_funny3.
But in many cases women use it as an excuse to make themselves feel better about being dumped. They place the blame on the man rather than face the reasons he is not interested. Something similar happened to one of my best friends. After almost a year together, he pulled the disppaearing act out of the blue. Then he wouldn't talk to her for almost another year. Then, he finally spoke to her and told her some bullroar about being scared, blah blah blah.... and shortly thereafter we found out he had just gotten married to someone he hadn't even been together with that long.
I also disagree a little with atheletic_funny3
But in many cases women use it as an excuse to make themselves feel better about being dumped. They place the blame on the man rather than face the reasons he is not interested. - it doesn't mean that she did anything wrong - nor should she take the blame - sometimes people get into a relationship too fast, too intense and then they start seeing the reality and it doesn't sit well with them and they need to get out - but it doesn't necessarily mean that one or the other did anything wrong or that they should blame themselves.
Look at it this way though - at least he had the decency to end it and TELL you that he was ending it and didn't do the disappearing into thing air act.
You know - people spend far too much time on the "why" and "but he said this and he said that - what does he mean, what does she mean..." blah blah blah...
I'm a very bottom of the line person - afterall, it's the bottom line that ultimately affects us and IMO - when it's over - it's OVER. PERIOD. You move on and don't look back. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 2:43:47 PM | Fear is the number one killer of relationships. Fear of commitment, fear of getting hurt again. It sounds like he has issues he has not resolved. Perhaps he was hurt many times in the past and you don't know his full history.
There is nothing you can do. He has to help himself. You are lucky he was honest to tell you the reason why he broke up with you. Wouldn't you rather be alone than get tangled up in a relationship with issues? | |
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canali
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Joined: 4/11/2006
Msg: 36 | |
| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 3:20:25 PM | Ladies: open up about your own fears, too.
For example, my date last night and I had some amazing conversation (hey we closed the place down at 1:30am!)...near the end we're getting more comfortable with one another and I opened up about some of my issues/fears (hey, blame it on the copious amts of wine ...like LOTS of wine or 'truth serum' as I referred to it last night with her, but such was our interaction: just pretty amazing!)....
and you know what she did right after such? She disclosed some of her own stuff and that immediately made me feel more comfortable, because we all 'know' that everyone has baggage....
So that fear of 'running away' when the intimacy gets too close or fearing your heart is going to get broken again (or whatever tapes of defeat will run through our heads and hearts) can be alleviated through an honest sharing back and forth...
--try it with your guys, next time ladies....not too much...just enough to match the issue at hand.
So my babe earned big brownie points for that approach last night...Kudos, babe, Kudos!
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 6:15:22 PM | Sometimes its not the fear of success in a relationship but the fear of failure again can scare someone off.
Take it as a compliment that he feels this way for you but you must go slow and use kid gloves if you really care about this man and want him in your life.
Good Luck....
(Scared off in Hamilton!!!) | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 6:42:26 PM | I'm gonna say it again, because it is really the truth. Scared is BS. Scared = I'm just not that into you. That's not your fault. You are probably fabulous. Someone else will be into you. And believe me, it's way better to be with somebody who is into you than to wait for a so called scared guy to change his mind, or try to make somebody be into you. Well actually, what am I saying, I haven't met somebody who is really into me yet, but I'm sure it would be better.
Don't waste the pretty. Be sad about the fact that a guy you really liked isn't into you and then move on and have some fun.
And read the book He's Just Not That Into You. It's great for a laugh. And I'm pretty sure it's all true. | |
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iris37
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Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 39 | |
| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 6:53:16 PM | Athletic Funny3
Wow is that what you read in my statement....thats not what I meant at all.... all I said was sometimes people think they are ready for more than what they really are.....they put it out there that they are ready for comittment but actually aren't a all be it the super model or average girl..... | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 6:56:36 PM | | Sorry to say it but, its true. This is aline your friend has used. More than likely he has to many women to handle and is narrowling the list and you lost out. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:10:03 PM | ok my turn. everyone take a deep breath. everyone relax. there are no guarantees in life, and no sure answers. many of you have answered Tulip with definitive answers, you have judged HIS character without even knowing him, and in turn have judged Tulip. I for one have run from a woman myself because i thought she was too good to be true, and NOT because i wasn't "into" her, i genuinely felt insecure and afraid. guess what, we are the best of friends now, im serious, not making this up. i have seen couples make it who one would have guessed never belong together, while others that seemed ideal in our eyes, ended up breaking up.
guess what i'm saying, not very effectually i realize, is we DON'T KNOW why this individual broke up with Tulip, he may be genuine in his fear, he may be full of BS. i can only offer this to you Tulip and it may sound lame, but truly think it applies: if you two are meant for each other, it will be, his excuses withstanding; if you two are NOT meant for each other then it won't be.
i personally would not have given you up, but i'm ugly as dirt, so unlike HIM, i would have considered myself lucky. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:28:44 PM | athletic_funny I totally agree with you. when you really like someone you don't get scared, you have the opposit reaction, you actually WANT to be with them. "I got scared" is code for "I don't want to be with you."
If the guy doesn't even have the sack to tell the truth there is no reason you should even want him. He sounds like a twat. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:31:56 PM | the scared comment is often a way of getting out without sharing the real reason.
If it was about fear of committment , fear of being hurt etc why wouldn't he just slow things down rather then breaking up with you (on the phone no less , tsk tsk bad bad!)?
Maybe he isn't over his ex, maybe he doesn't want a real relationship right now, consider it a good thing he told you this and don't hang on waiting for him to change or come around.
yes you can still talk ,be friendly (if you're able) but keep your mind and heart open okay?
this sucks and I'm sorry. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:36:47 PM | | If the guy is scared of commiting and afraid of getting hurt, he should not have gotten involved with you at all. It is not fair on his part to get you to like him and share nice memories only to be hurt in the end. People should not get into relationships until they are ready to commit. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 7:42:41 PM | | ^^^I do think you're right......^^^^ | |
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iris37
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Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 47 | |
| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:14:45 PM | Warm Cuddles...
Finally a man that is honest....thankyou cuddles.....I have had this happen to me( i say humbly) :) | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 8:22:59 PM | A lot has been said - but really there's only two opinions here - either he's telling the truth and he's scared or he's lying to you. I'm not sure if you can tell the difference in this case. You're the one who's closest to him, so only you can make that evaluation.
However, I've gone through this same thing - only we're quite a bit older than you. The trouble I ran into is he gets 'negative gut reactions' to things I say and do and it scares and confuses him. This is old baggage he's carrying around because these things I say and do remind him of his ex and what happened there. Not much I can do about that - unless I never say anything! Can't do that - I'm a chatterbox at times. :) (I should say he is in counselling for these issues) But then there's another issue he has - he fell in love with me very quickly and turned the relationship into a long term one - only to back away after three months. He says this has happened before and ended up married to the girl and didn't listen to the "little inner voice" telling him that these negative gut reactions were things he should be paying attention to that caused major problems in the marriages (2 of them) later on. So, yes, he's scared of making another mistake. I believe he's trying to be honest with me.
Now, since then, I've been reading and studying why men won't commit and what I've found is that if there was a way to scare a man off - I managed to do it! I did ALL of them with this man...to my regret. We connected on so many levels and seemed perfect for each other.
A couple of the major things that went wrong were - I pushed for more attention when he was too stressed at work (career military) to give more - he was giving all he had at the time...I didn't understand that even though he sat me down and tried to explain this. That caused a big "negative gut reaction" as you can imagine.
Then I always wanted to talk about our "relationship". Guys never want to talk about "THE RELATIONSHIP"...bad idea...more negative gut reactions...pulled back even more.
Lastly, because of all the 'sadness' on my part in not getting the attention I wanted, when I wanted it (I sound like a spoiled brat, I know, but it really wasn't like that), it took the fun and laughter out of our relationship. It became too burdensome and heavy and he just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Unfortunately, I only understood everything after the relationship had ended. I wasn't given the chance to go back and make things right between us.
So, that's my take on it. You want to make it work....listen carefully to your guy and try to at least understand what he's telling you - if he's tired - then he's tired - don't push to do something that's going to make him more tired (just an example). Don't whine and complain that he doesn't email enough, doesn't phone enough, doesn't visit enough...perhaps there's a good reason for the slowing down...there was an excellent reason in my case. Never, ever talk about your relationship...let him lead the way and he'll eventually want to talk seriously.
Remember the 3 C's - chase/catch/commitment. Guys love the chase - don't be too available all the time, let him chase you - you're worth his effort; guys like the catch, too, but don't get intimate until both of you are really ready for that; commitment is the biggy - did you know that those 3 little words of "I love you" are a big sign of commitment?
Lastly, never let the fun and laughter go out of your relationship. He wants to look forward to being with you. I don't mean you're never serious, far from that, because there's always serious times and serious conversation - but remember - we all gravitate towards happy, upbeat people. A love relationship that's good - is happy and upbeat. Tease him, tickle him, joke around a bit...be silly...not childish or stupid but just fun to be with. You'll surprise both him and yourself how much more you look forward to being together.
If this relationship can't be salvaged, grieve and then move forward..yes, it hurts like hell for a time...but life goes on. You will get through this, too. If you get into another relationship just remember those items I spoke about. Good luck. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 10:54:56 PM | athletic_funny: you're right, it COULD be a lie that guys use. it is an easy way out. it's a common term to push the woman away, but some guys are afraid to commit. my guy bestfriend is going through that. no, not telling me that, since i already have a bf. but he always confides in me that he's scared of pursuing anything "good" because he is scared of commitments/being able to keep a relationship/unknowinly hurt the lady... everytime he talked about a chick and they're going good, he'd go back to the fear factor. it makes sense coming from his family background.
just because you have perhaps used such a line, don't insist that its the only use for it.  | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/20/2006 11:19:05 PM | Look, I know that most guys can be jerkoffs when it comes to relationships. But to those saying that "scared = bs" I'd have to say you're wrong.
I've been in a few relationships in which a girl has told *me* that I was too good for them, they didn't deserve me, and all sorts of things. Sometimes it was bullcrap, sometimes though I believed they were telling the truth. I couldn't understand it really, but I believed that's what they really believed. As if somehow by being with me they would be holding *me* back from true happiness with someone 'better'. Kind of screwed up.
But from my own perspective, I have been the "Scared" one once. It came mostly from things moving too fast for me with this particular girl.
I knew her as a friend years before and we lost touch.. we'd both been in and out of relationships since then, and even when we knew each other before we toyed with the idea of dating.
Well when we got back into contact I was really happy... she gave me cool gifts that no one else would even think of (Okay, she gave me a He-Man story book record and a lapel pin of the Autobot logo and one that said "Dork") and its like, she really understood me. We went to a little town to get away for the weekend and it was a surreal experience in this bizzaro little world. And all the sudden while we were there in the hotel there were all these expectations and I didn't think we'd really progessed to that point yet.
I made the mistake, the one and only time in my life that I've EVER made this mistake, and said "I love you" as a means to comfort and reassure rather than because it was how I actually felt. I think I did adore her and I liked how things were going.. but after that I never felt right and ultimately after the trip rather than lead her on I told her honestly that I didn't think things were working out between us and we should take a step back because we worked so well as friends... welllll that sort of killed the relationship and the friendship. She was hurt, I was hurt (all be it for different reasons) and it was because I really did get scared that things were moving so fast out of control and I needed to seriously evaluate things here because I'm not sure about my own feelings yet and I certainly don't want to be the one responsible for messing someone else's up.
Looking back I think I regret it, but on the other hand I realize that as great as we were together, perhaps it wasn't meant to be as a couple and things turned out for the best. You can't really know, but even if it only happens once, it can happen and you can't just call a guy (or a girl) out as being full of shit just because they get overwhelmed. And realizing that one of you is indeed overwhelmed will more often than not break the relationship. | |
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