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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/27/2006 4:07:51 AM | I totally agree with you! I've read many of books (Men are From Mars Women are from Venus, Men who are afraid to commit, How to Catch Him and Keep Him)...all written by men who went through the same thing and wind up being in a relationship.
I have a masters in psychology, and I've learned that we all have baggage and sometimes others trigger negativity from the past (family issues, relationship issues, etc.). Also, I have a lot of male friends that have said that they too at one time met someone special and ran away, but eventually went back. These were men that had serious relatioships or marriages that went sour so they didn't want to repeat that same experience again.
This happens to women too!
So everyone who is saying that it's bullshit is angry because it happen to them and now they have baggage. Believe me, when they meet someone who triggers their hurt, they will run too. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/27/2006 3:32:03 PM | | Maybe he just needs a vacation (or time away) form the relationship for a while, not a termination of it. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/27/2006 4:43:36 PM |
So everyone who is saying that it's bullshit is angry because it happen to them and now they have baggage. Believe me, when they meet someone who triggers their hurt, they will run too.
If they get their hurt triggered that easily they shouldn't be doing more than just developing friendships till they heal.
We all get hurt, and depending on our age some people have had more hurts. But that doesn't give us a right to lead someone on then run. If people would give themselves time to heal, and make sure they are healed, then we would hurt other people so easily. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/27/2006 4:46:09 PM | | I gotta agree with athleticfunny3 on this one. That is just a line a guy gives you to make him look like the one who can't handle it and not make you freak out. The fact is he's scared - scared of being in a relationship. Good riddance and move on to a guy that really wants what you want. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/27/2006 5:38:31 PM | Personally, I'm with all those who say it's a chickensh*t copout. Move on, don't dangle around waiting for him to get UNscared. Whether he really did get so badly hurt, or he just feels like he wants out and fear is a good excuse, you can do better than a walking-wounded wimp. Don't waste another minute of your life on him...
Cindy O | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/27/2006 5:55:07 PM | Been there, done that. Six months later and I'm still spinning around in circles wondering WHY? Why wouldn't you stick it out BECAUSE you feeel something powerful instead of using that as a reason to bail?
I'm just as perplexed. Hang in there baby. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/31/2006 1:15:34 PM | | Cindy you made me laugh. I love your attitude and of course you're absolutely right! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 7/31/2006 2:07:19 PM | so many men find it hard to show and explain their true feelings, so they hurt you first before you hurt them to make them selves an easier life, this has happened so many times to my elder sister, they just hurt you to try to make sure you don't forgive them and they don't have to deal with it again.
they think thats its easier to walk away and wipe the slate clean instead of working to fix it | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/3/2006 6:23:12 AM | What if he truly is scared to commit, not just using this as an excuse....is there anything I could do to help him with his fear?
Right now, we are friends. We really do relate quite well together. We feel comfortable with each other, and would like continue to hang out with each other...however, he wants no commitment. He has admitted to me that several people close to him, told him that he has issues he needs to resolve, and that he should get therapy, or something like that, to help him with his issues.
This situation real sucks, because I think we could be so great for each other, if he didn't have this overwhelming fear of commitment. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:14:25 AM | Everybody who has ever been through this should go read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". And then read it again. Actually, everyone should read this book.
He's jerking you around. Let him get himself sorted with therapy or whatever he needs. If he's into you, he'll be back when he's dealt with his issues. | |
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iris37
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Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 86 | |
| He got scared!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:23:41 AM | Spanish tulip....
Be his friend at least he still wants you in his life, take things slow and be supportive, give him the space he needs he may find that you are what he really does want or you may find that he really isn't what you thought at all.....its really the best way to go...
Sometimes good things come to those who wait.
Good Luck | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:34:34 AM | | people break up for all kinds of reasons , some people get scared simply because as you say the relationship is going so good , all you can do is hope that he comes to realise that you was something worth keeping until then dont put your own life on hault !!!!! good luck | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/3/2006 8:55:47 AM | Spanish tulip your story is so true to mine, everything was fine with my ex and I as well before he left town to go to work, this was on a tuesday...he kissed me that morning, and said for me to be good, and I said your coming back right?? He paused and said yes.....or so I thought........we were together for two days before he left, went to the movies, I made supper for him the day before he left, bought him a going away present along with a silly missing you card, put our picture in a frame for him from when we went to Niagara Falls in May, our intimacy was phenomenal and then he left and I noticed that he hardly called or answered my txt, by friday I started feeling insecure because he couldn't understand why I had such a problem with him going to visit an ex of his in another town.....he said they were just friends but yet he never wanted to introduce us and hid the fact when she would call or txt...never returned her call infront of me....he just said that I wouldn't like her nor would she like me...and gave other excuses as to what we would both say about each other??? I didn't have a problem meeting her....then I heard that he felt like I was using him as a crutch??? Still trying to figure that one out....and said that he didn't want to be responsible for my son when I never asked him to be in the first place......then I got an email saying.....I just didn't feel in place??? I did everything for him....I asked him to help me out with the little things I needed two people for like fixing something and holding it up so I could screw something in......my ex told me as well that he really likes me alot, we have a great time when we are together and that it was the hardest decision he had to make....he didn't think I could handle him being in another city for work, but I was managing....I never got that closure face to face.....I don't hate him for his decision but I don't understand if you truly like someone alot why would you just simply give them up...
All I can say tulip is this, you never know what the future holds, maybe time apart will make him realize how important you are to him and what he is missing.....give him his space...let him come to you....I have talked to my ex a few times since the break up and I hold in my heart the thought of him changing his mind in the near future....but you both have to want that to happen, not just one partner....keep posting ur feelings, I have found it helps me to get some insight on my situation.......
If you ever need to talk email me...I will gladly listen
Michelle | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/3/2006 10:34:44 AM | | I am not going to put my life on hold, but I am going to be his friend. I'll be supportive, be a good listener, and just be myself!!!! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/3/2006 6:02:55 PM | That's right Tulip, just be yourself.....and time will tell, who knows maybe by then, some great guy will come along and when your ex realizes what he is missing out on, it will be him that will be rejected this time around.......weight the outcome......and remember if he hurt you once he might possibly do it again....because he knows you'll be there for him no matter how much he has hurt you in the past
Be true to yourself girl.......best of luck!! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/4/2006 3:30:39 PM | tulip, There is an excellent book, called, "Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitment-Phobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart," written by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol (written in 1983 - old, but still true). I highly recommend you peruse it, if possible. You might be amazed to see so much of yourself and this crummy "relationship" described in it. You write about how you "get along great," yet he broke up with you OVER THE PHONE, AFTER snatching your heart! (Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!)
Basically, there is NOTHING you can/cannot do, I'm sorry to say. Quote from the book: "... it is what he is feeling, not what you are doing, that is filling him with terror and confusion; it is what he is thinking, not what you are saying, that is driving a wedge into the relationship. And it is his tortured, convoluted outlook on life, love and relationships that is making him flee." It goes on to say about how his outlook and behavior are "destructive" and how "... women bend themselves into pretzels," attempting to please HIM, be patient (pp. 44-45), blah, blah, blah. YUCK! SOB! MORE YUCK! MORE SOBBING! YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!
I tend to agree with athletic_funny's posts, although I know that the truth might hurt. Even if he is being honest and sincere, overcoming commitment phobia is a HUGE issue, NOT a small one. I state that because, in your posts, it sounds like if it just weren't for this "itty bitty." No, No, No -- It's not an "itty bitty" problem, or it wouldn't be bothering you so much, enough to post a thread about it.
I sincerely hope you keep to your word, when you state that you are NOT going to put your "life on hold for him." Save yourself from further heartache and grief by cutting your losses, while you can. Based on your side of the story, it seems that "The lights are on, but nobody is home" with him. You deserve someone who is "available" (emotionally and physically). You deserve being with someone who wants the same thing that you want (a healthy relationship). You deserve to feel secure and be clear, not feeling confused/frustrated, attempting to make logic out of illogic.
Best wishes to you.  | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/4/2006 3:51:39 PM | | Does he live in the same neighbour hood as you? in the same town even? I just went through a similar experience about half a year ago..completely out of the blue...he 'got scared' and gave me the whole song and dance...turned out that he had another gf on the side that I obviously did not know about! Not trying to make you paranoid or anything...just sounded awfully familiar!!! If he doesn't live in the same town as you it would make me even more suspicious....all the best to you though, I'm sure there is someone out there that will make you happy! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/4/2006 3:58:45 PM | Spanish Tulip....I had a VERY similar experience about 3.5 months ago. I was dating a wonderful man, and things were going great! He was the most romantic, caring and sensitive man I have ever dated. I felt so connected and comfortable with him, that I could definitely envision myself spending the rest of my life with this man! Five months into our relationship, things got weird. It started when he went away for a week to Florida with his son. I did not hear a word from him for the entire week...now, I thought at first hey, he must be having lots of fun, etc...However, he and I had a relationship where we literally talked EVERY day, sometimes more than once! I just had a strange feeling in my gut...I thought, well..he may be busy on his trip, but given how close we were, I figured he would at least call or email me once to tell me what a great time he was having! But no phone call, no email..not a WORD!
The day he got back from his trip, he called me to say he had arrived safely. By then, I figured I had just overreacted to his not having contacted me during his trip, and happily looked forward to being able to see him. Unfortunately, he had a week's worth of work-related training that he had to attend out of town starting the very next day, so by the time he returned from that, a whole 2 weeks had gone by since I had last seen him. I called him to see if he what he wanted to do when we got together, and he asked me to come to his place. Excited, I drove over to his house. Then....things got stranger!!!
When I arrived at his place, he was not acting the same as he had before he went to Florida. He was...distant. The other really odd thing was, for a man who had always been very verbally expressive about his strong feelings for me, he said NOTHING about missing me during the whole two weeks he had not seen me. Previously, he used to say he missed me after not seeing me for two or three days! Something was definitely up..the worst part was that while I was at his house that night, he hardly looked at me, didn't cuddle with me while we watched TV like he usually did, to the point where I felt like he could care less if I was there or not!!
I finally confronted him about how weird he was acting the next morning. He said he hadn't realized he was acting differently, or distantly, and his surprise seemed genuine. When I asked him WHY he thought he might be acting that way, he told me that he thought it might have something to do with the fact that we had now been dating for over three months, and he had noticed with past relationships that around the "three month mark", he felt "anxiety" creeping in on him. He didn't really know what the anxiety was about.
Well, things got worse from there. His emotional distancing continued, to the point where I told him we needed to talk more about what was happening and do something about it. He was literally so anxious about "us" at that point, that he could barely discuss the issue with me! He said every time I brought it up, he felt like his heart was "pounding a 150 beats a minute"! Finally I realized he seemed to be afraid of how serious our relationship was becoming. He had been married in the past, very young, to a woman who ended up being insecure, controlling, and who constantly accused him of cheating (he never had) and made him get rid of ALL his female friends by writing them letters telling them never to contact him again! They were only married about 5 years, but ended up having a son together, who is now 7. He told me being married to her was like "jail", and that he had never envisioned that he would be separated (he was separated from her 5 years by the time I met him) with a kid he only saw two weekends a month. According to him, his life had always been perfect, and he never thought anything like this would happen to him. Long story short, he was "afraid of being divorced again".
The end result of "us"? He RAN from our relationship!! Even though I made it clear that I loved him and was willing to help him work through his issues, he literally did not want to! What hurt the most was that he couldn't even say to me, "yes, I have this fear, but I care about you, and am willing to deal with this". Even though I now recognize this was his just due to his extreme fear and panic, I couldn't help but feel, well...somehow not worth the effort. Even sadder, I was angry and disappointed that for a man who could face and deal with all sorts of challenges (he is a police officer) both at work and in his personal life, he was simply unwilling to deal with this. He wanted to end things and run. As you said, SpanishTulip, he seemed more preoccupied by the possibility that things between us wouldn't work out. It was like he had no optimism whatsoever. In my opinion, I feel that he was so traumatized by his horrible marriage that he literally had a phobic reaction to the idea of another relationship, even though he KNEW (and said so) that I was nothing like her!
So...I feel your pain. I had never felt so deep a loss, as I was very connected with this man. The only good part of my story is, this man I was seeing was at least able to say that he had not seen this coming, and was sorry. I felt like I'd been blindsided...cuz the IRONY was that HE had been the one who originally actively pursued me for a relationship ( I had initially wanted to be just freinds). So..it hurts...but it happens. And I can't force him to deal with his issues. He can only do that when and if he is ever ready. So...here I am...back out in the "pond"...lol....
Have any guys out there had this experience of panic about commitment due to a past bad relationship? If so, I'd love to hear how you handled it!!
Cheers! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/4/2006 7:34:24 PM | Hi ChattyMe72
I loved him and was willing to help him work through his issues, he literally did not want to!
Let's take a look at this line that you had previously wrote.....I have noticed that not all guys want this quality in their life partner.....you then become a nurturer......My question is why are MOST guys afraid of this....letting their partners into their heart...usually its because they have been scorned by and ex.................and if their new female partners want to stand by their man, what is so wrong with that....I will tell you why that is....It needs to be a two way street....and if your male partner can't do it for himself, how can he be there for you??? Women have that natural nurturing instinct....we carry our babies for nearly nine months......I am a nurturer and at first I had a problem excepting that because I think that is one quality my ex didn't like in me because he felt I wasn't independent enough for him.....because I would miss him after not seeing him for two days.....he works out of town so he would have been gone for a month possibly more....if your ex didn't appreciate your good qualities, someone else deffinetly will, you can't put your new partner in the same boat as your ex....show him what you can offer him.....but if you have a gutt feeling something is wrong, question it and talk about it and if it can't be resolved, then act on it.
Good Luck!! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/4/2006 9:04:31 PM | Chattyme:
Oh mine !!!! When I read your story, it really does reassemble what I'm going through.
He told me that he had a very awful experience with his ex, and that unless you been through something like what he did, that I could not possibly understand the fear and anxiety that he was experiencing just before he decided that it was best to break up with me.
He told me that he really did like me, and that I was the first girl that he developed real strong feelings for since his ex, and that scared him, and it brought memories of his ex...the restrictions!
When we were dating, a couple of his female friends did mention to me that if I was looking for "commitment" that he was not the type. I was surprised to hear they say that, because he really seem to truly like me by his words and actions. To me, it seemed like we were on the same page as far as how this relationship was going. He was the one pursuing me, calling me, text messaging me, wanting to spend a lot of time with me, and he told me that I was "always welcome" at his place....to drop by anytime. He constantly told me how much he liked me, and that he was so comfortable with me.
Now I know that he is scared about being in a commited relationship. His views about a happy relationship lasting forever is very negative. He rather be on his own...without commitment. He told me that it's simple that way. And he would not have to ever go through what he did with his ex ever again.
I know that he feels very bitter towards his ex, by the way he talks about her. The only reason he still sees his ex, is because they have a two-year daughter together. Otherwise, he has no desire to see her.
Like I said previously, we are still speaking to each other, but just as friends. And yes, it does hurt, because I know that I can't change his mind....only he can. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/4/2006 10:06:05 PM | Yes...about the guy preferring to be alone??? I hear ya!! The guy i was talking about in my prior post actually told me, a month after our breakup, that he "would rather be alone". Very very sad...However, restricting one's life and existence for the sake of supposed "safety" is the essence of extreme fears.
Come on folks..let's think of a single word for "fear of relationships"...maybe "Togetherforeverphobia"??? LMAO | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 8/5/2006 3:37:05 AM | I agree.....some people who have had bad past relationships.....can't handle a good one sometimes, I had an ex say maybe I do like misery??? Life is too short to live like that....they could have the world with the right person, but yet they still have their own fears of committment.....people who put other's in a negative situation during a past relationship should not be even thought of in a new relationship.....what those guys don't understand is that by dwelling on the past and dwelling on what THEY think could happen to them in their future.......if they opened up their hearts to their new partners...are the ones that are losing out........but in the end, they are letting their ex's have that control again....by letting go of a good thing with their new partners.
Everyone has issues, why not work on them together...if both partners are willing to be there for each other.....more often then not, their ex's have already moved on, maybe not in a positive lite but they have still moved on.....Why can't they be happy at the same time and not let a good thing go???? A question I keep asking myself day to day..... | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 11/6/2006 10:46:23 AM | Well...it has been over 4 months since my boyfriend broke things off with me because he was scared of committment. Since then, we have become really good friends. We have spend the last few weekends together. It almost seems like we're a couple again, though no words have been spoken to make "our relationship" official.
I am finding myself getting more & more attached to this guy even though I know I shouldn't for fear of getting hurt again. I want to ask him straight out the "status" of our relationship but I'm afraid to do so because the last time I did that, he got scared and ended things.
So here am wondering "Am I wasting my time with him"? "Is it possible that he will want a relationship with me, and NOT be afraid to make a committment with me???" | |
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Ahhh!
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Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 99 | |
| He got scared!
Posted: 11/6/2006 3:07:12 PM | OP: You're not alone on this one. I"m sure many of us women have heard that before, just as often as guys hear "let's just be friends'. I got told that by a 45 year old guy I met a few weeks ago...(you'd think by that age, he'd be a little more original)...he told me "I can't see you anymore because I'm afraid I'll start liking you too much". HUH?!?!? In my opinion, that is really a lame excuse. But, I guess if he hadn't 'let me go' I wouldn't have met the guy I"m currently seeing. I say, let him go and find someone who WILL want a relationship with you and be all for commitment!! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 12/18/2006 3:22:17 PM | Update:
Less than a week ago, this guy told me that we are getting a bit too serious again, and that it is time to end this NOW since he cannot and does not want to start having feelings/emotions for me. It is not something that he does. So, it's better to end this before any feelings/emotions happen.
He told me that he would never commit to me or anyone. He did it once, and he got screwed big time (child support & spousal support). He is the most happiest alone. He does not have to answer to anyone! And this is what he wants.
He admits that he has issues, but he doesn't want to resolve them.
So that's that! | |
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