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| He got scared!
Posted: 12/18/2006 4:51:42 PM | This is much more common than many people realize, the guy who got soundly trounced in a divorce, now he is scared to death of serious involvement, because it "might" lead to another trouncing. However, they are more than willing to dabble around the edges of a relationship, in order to have companionship( when HE wants it) and sex.
I'm not saying this as a put down or a "male bashing" post. Actually I feel kinda sad for those men, and I suspect that eventually they do get over it...when they start realizing that being alone isn't very fun when you start having age related health issues.
I'm not bashing here, I can certainly understand how difficult it must be for a guy who's just barely survived the emotional and financial trauma of divorce. And it's kinda human nature to want the best of both worlds( or have your cake and eat it too, if you prefer that phrase)
All you can do is be aware that many of the previously existing motivations for committment are no longer valid issues, especially when you start getting to men who are already fathers. Don't be surprised if he suddenly starts backpedalling when YOU though things were going great... don't count on committment unless he requests it( and he STILL may lose his nerve!)
Cindy O | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 12/18/2006 7:02:51 PM | | I've heard this so many times when I get close to someone. They feel 'scared' suddenly and it's mainly due to getting burned by an ex from their past. It really spoils things for someone who is truly genuine who enters into their lives and I never understood why many let go of someone who is for 'real' This is a reason why I stay away from guys now who are still hung up on their ex. If I hear them speak of them constantly then there is a sign of doom. My advice for you is to move on. They won't be focussing on YOU and instead they will be focussing on their fears. They will continue being alone if they keep these fears and it seems most people just don't know how to let go of them. Spending time on your own for a length of time is a good way to get over your fears and grow as a person till you feel ready to let someone in your life again. When you meet and are with someone you truly care for that fear should not exist period and are capable of letting go of those fears. If someone cannot then they are not ready to date or be in a relationship with anyone. They need to concentrate on themselves first and foremost. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 12/18/2006 7:24:13 PM | | Is this "scared" guy the Friends with Benefits guy? | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 104 | |
| He got scared!
Posted: 12/18/2006 7:25:30 PM | Hey it's his life, he can live it any way he wants to. If he choses to avoid commitment, so what??? Everyone is different, there is nothing wrong with preferring to spend life alone...single people CAN do some things that attached people cannot do. As long as he is honest about it and doesn't decieve you and string you along, then what's the harm if everyone accepts the situation as it is?
If and when he is ready to open up and trust a partner, to let her into his heart and life....then he will do it. Like this summer I was READY to jump out of a plane and I did it.....twice. I wasn't even really very scared after all that TIME thinking about it and wanting it and getting the courage to do it. I had thought about doing it for decades and it terrified me. But my life experiences, and my thought-mind control and meditation and love of the thrill of CONQUERING my FEARS allowed me to get up in that plane and JUMP. Then go up right away and do it AGAIN!!! Lots of things in my life led me to the point of being able to actually go DO IT.
Loving, trusting, compromising, sharing, sacrificing, being vulnerable, wanting, needing, settling down in to a "routine" (rut??), giving another person the power to hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt, getting deeply tied and tangled up with another person can be complicated and scary....that's all understandable. If/when he wants to conquer his fears he will do it then. But you CANNOT make him!!! Just like a couple of years ago you could not MAKE me jump out of a perfectly good airplane!!
Life is a journey, we all have our own unique lessons to learn.
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| He got scared!
Posted: 12/18/2006 7:43:54 PM | I've dated a few years then I found someone to have a long lasting relationship with. This was my first serious, committed relationship. Yes I was scared, but I didn't break it or run away. I stayed. When you really want to be with someone, you don't run... stay forever.  | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 12/18/2006 8:33:26 PM | bike_man
Yes, this is the 'friends with benefits" guy.
Oh, I just received a Christmas card today from him telling me that I will always be someone special! .....And I'm thinking to myself "I just don't get him!!!!!!" | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 1/7/2007 9:56:28 PM | | This is so hard. We are really good friends. Deep down inside, I want more. But I know, I can't change the way he feels. We spend most of the weekend together. We went to see a movie, had lunch & dinner, took a long walk, and shared very nice conversations. We click in so many ways. But I know that he is scared too commit. It sucks!!!! | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 2/17/2007 12:43:21 AM | | If he had a bad relationship with his ex and got hurt than found himself feeling the same way about you than he's generalizing. Instead of allowing himself to feel those powerful feelings of fallen inlove again he prefer to place them in a negative place. You should count your blessings what would happen if this guy had more problems elsewhere is he going to run each time something goes wrong. He hasn't even let go of his ex neither to be lingering on how he felt about her. You deserve a guy who is going to see you and only you who is going to allow himself to feel for you and only you. | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 2/17/2007 1:49:18 AM | I am the boy translator today. When he says he got really into you, but he's not ready to commit so he got scared, what he means is this:
He's really in to you, but he is self-aware enough to realize that he's not ready for a monogamous relationship. He believes that this is what you want, and if he tells you otherwise he will be disappointing you, infuriating you, or hurting you. He decides that this means that even though he really digs you, it's not worth the emotional drama to explain that he can love you and still not want monogamy. So he ends the relationship.... | |
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| He got scared!
Posted: 11/14/2008 12:10:46 AM | I'm afraid you women are giving the men a little too much credit. I've been in this type of relationship before, only for a couple of months and when I got out, I was quite glad to be out, sorry for hurting her feelings, and I've vowed not to be such a wimp in the future.
I think the whole "I'm afraid of commitment" thing is a cop out. Friends with benefits for a man means sex without the hassle of emotions. The dinners, movies, talking and spending time together, that's what we put up with so that we can have NSA sex. And when men have to do too much of that stuff, men bolt. Its completely empty. There's no ulterior motives. There's no attached hurts from the past...we all have broken hearts from someone and we've all be screwed in the past. Its all a cop out. Men use stories like that to get your sympathy. Men are simple animals. SEX. Some simpler than others. I thought I could handle it, but it turns out that I'm the opposite of your man, I couldn't have the sex without the relationship, and when I realized that I only wanted this woman for sex, I ended it because it was so empty. But I realize that I'm probably different from most men. There is a general consensus out there that the friends with benefits is the perfect score, for men at least. If he had the balls to be in a relationship, then he wouldn't want the sex without the relationship.
If you ever hope that your "friend with benefits" could ever be more, don't ever use the term friend with benefits...because for men, that means NSA SEX...which to you women, it clearly isn't.
A reformed "friend". | |
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