*KD*
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 26 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 11:31:35 AM | Imagine if the girl lied and was never raped. That she came to her ex because she actually cheated on her current BF and is making sure she has somewhere to go in case he finds out. Imagine if this was a game to get attention and get herself out of a sticky situation. In a sense that would be emotional rape.
I'm not sure about all the exact details, but it does seem odd she hasnt gone to her BF or even family. Only one person thinks she might be lying. I'm curious why you and her arent together, it seems your still friendly but then you even question the fact she came to you.
if I were in your shoes, I would tell her to go to her family and current BF with this. If they arent supportive, then be there but be cautious because it sounds like it might be more then you think. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 11:48:00 AM | To Me, there is nothing worse
My personal opinion and it would be guided that I still cared for the female in question
(Hell would hath no furry greater if it was my sister)
You trust this person not to lie to you about something terrible like this??
Is So:
You get a Bat, and you find them, and when its dark, you kneecap the SOB
I never go looking for any kind of trouble, but these acts when you know the party responsible deserv trouble, it a matter of Honor,
Thats what I think | |
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-P-
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 29 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 11:51:59 AM | Ok, let's get one thing straight here. I believe her rape story. I've known her a long time, and I know what she's like when she feels guilty about something (i.e., had she cheated). It wouldn't take her 20 mins to form a sentence through tears, panick attacks, and shortness of breath if it was just a guilty conscience. This isn't an "I got my p*nis stuck in a zipper" type of embarassment or shame. She is truly and utterly destroyed. So no more about her "faking" it. She isn't.
I realize that sometimes there's vindictive false accusations of rape, but this is not one of those times. That said, I've convinced her to tell her bf and family tonight, so we'll see how that goes, but she knows no matter what I'm there for her. Probably going to be there with her when she does. Her bf knows who I am, and will not be suprised that I knew before he did. He knows I've actually saved their relationship once through advice I'd given her, so he doesn't see me as a threat.
We're not together because there just wasn't that "spark" there, that added chemistry. We're one of those friends where "friendship" or "best friend" is too weak a term, yet "soulmates" or "bf/gf/SO" is too strong.. Kinda stuck in limbo, and so far it's worked out great for both of us. It STILL suprises me, however, that she came to me. This is a very big deal for her, and I'm suprised she's talking about it at all instead of just erecting a nuke-proof wall around herself. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 11:56:58 AM | OP, I commend you for being so supportive of your ex. That's a great thing to see. But be smart about it. Stay calm and reserved as much as you can and don't get into the lynch mob mentality or you run the risk of getting more of a punishment than the rapists would.
Rape victims often feel guilt and shame for what happened to them; they often relive and replay events over in their minds trying to see how they could've done something differently to avoid being the victim of a heinous, cowardly act like rape. And there are no answers because it was never their fault. It wasn't the way they dressed, it wasn't how much they had to drink, it wasn't anything they said: The rapist craved power over them. The rapist craved violence. And this is what victims need to know so they can make the progression from victim to survivor.
OP, keep doing what you're doing. Encourage her to report it; encourage her to tell her family and bf about it; remind her that she did nothing wrong. I hope she's able to heal from this. It's a horrible thing for someone to go through, but people supporting her and helping her will benefit her emmensely. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 12:10:15 PM |
I realize that technically it's not "my" problem.
if you care about this girl, it whatever sense, then it is your problem. speaking from personal experience, it can be really hard to get someone to go to the police. they may feel guilty or may think no one will believe them. it doesn't matter what the reason is, if she's not ready, pushing it too hard may turn her away from the idea completely. i'm not saying she shouldn't report it, because she definitely should, but it can be a harder situation than many people believe.
as for it being too late, there is a five year time limit on rapes in most states. you'd have to check with your local police force to see about physical evidence, but that shouldn't turn her away.
i guess the only thing you can do right now for her is to just be a good friend. show her support and tell her when she's ready you'll be there to help her in any way you can.
there are also anonymous support lines she could call. there will be brouchures about them in pretty much any doctor's office or even in your local courthouse.
good luck, and tell her my thoughts are with her. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 12:27:49 PM | OP "It still suprises me, however, that she came to me"
Who else?
You are not a stranger. According to you friends, b/f and g/f, friends after that...
Is you have a reason to believe she is not honest, she is a game head or is using you... is not
you the best person to go? What are friends for? Just for the good times?
Whom she can talk to? The b/f, mom, dad and brother, a coworker... the rapist.
She trust you because she knows you. Do you think she know you well enough to "assume"
wich one could be your reaction?
I have to trust in your judgment. I have no reason to believe you are naive or innocent. So...
I going to refrase the question: Would you see her if you have a problem? | |
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*KD*
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 36 | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 12:45:40 PM | the question is are you a social worker? if not, then why do you care? No offense, but you honestly do not have to do a thing for her since she is your ex. It sounds like you are getting taken advantage of.
Holy crap! This isn't about that! Did the OP go there? No. How uncool for you to.
While it's probably too late to compile forensic evidence that goes to "proof" that it happened, it's never too late to file a report.
Now, what I'm saying next is just my own opinion of how things should be in my lil idealistic world and yes, it's a gentle plea, but it will never be too late to seek justice. It won't undo what happened to your friend, but it may well prevent them from raping again. I doubt she can handle thinking along those lines right now, but hopefully as she moves through the stages of what happened and begins to process it, her anger will push her forward into what will probably be the fight of her life.
Right now, she's experiencing trauma, the basis of which will be a shame, guilt and a feeling that she's dirty and "nothing will ever be the same". It's all normal. She'll most likely withdraw, and she'll feel like everyone that looks at her will somehow "know". Please just realize that there's not a lot you can do other than simply be there, listen, and hold her---if you sense 100% that she is OK with being touched. She may not want to be touched by you or anyone, OK?
The sooner she finds professional assistance, the better. I can't stress that enough.
I'm so sorry. | |
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-P-
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 38 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 12:47:35 PM | I know, there isn't really a reason why I should be suprised... It's just a shock to the system, if anything.
She knows that I can smell BS from a mile away most of the time, and if anything my stance is always initially biased onto the skeptical side.. so it actually took a lot of guts for her to come to me about something like this. In fact I feel like a douchebag.. The first reaction when she told me was to say "That's not funny". She quickly convinced me she was serious though. If she'd slept with the two guys of her own free will, she would've said "P, I F'd up.." Takes her a while to open up usually, but when she does she's extremely candid.
As for going to her with problems - Yup, I do. Especially the major stuff where I know I'll get a fairly unbiased, honest opinion on the matter. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 1:01:33 PM | | I know that this is a public forum and all, where everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But I think that it is pretty sad when OP comes on here to vent and look for some advice, and there are posters on here playing private detective and counselor all rolled into one.....sometimes when involved in a situation like this, it is hard to "think outside the box" when the person involved is someone you really care about...but I dont think coming on here and questioning why she would go to him...instead of her current BF or family should even be a question..anyone who has experianced being raped can answer that....not someone behind a comp screen questioning that persons morals | |
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Derps
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Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 41 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 2:17:46 PM | | get the boys together and like previously provoke them to throw the first punch and then beat the living crap out of them, being an ex or not i would do that to people i dont know, rapist are the lowest scum of this earth and deserve to be beaten to death | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 2:26:16 PM | Many years ago a girl i went out with at the time was raped, i broke up with her, but only because i thought she'd need a friend better than a boyfriend, i was right, still best mates now. But in this case she already is an ex gf so i dont know how that will work, basically i think you should see how serious she is about keeping quiet and accept it if she decides not to go to police, afterall she trusts you so it's only fair you respect her choice.
Although if you do happen to come accross the people who did it then by all means kick their asses, if you go looking for them then it's doing something she dont want you to do, but if you bump into them then it's open season.
Mainly though, repeating myself but it's main point of my post so it's allowed, dont do anything she dont want, even if you think she is wrong, she trusts you so do the same and trust her decision. | |
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-P-
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 44 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 3:18:09 PM | Yeah, I'm having a hard time maintaining control of my anger towards them. On the one hand, I have a deep rooted urge to track them down, beat them to within an inch of their life, wait, and do it all over again.
On the other, I know that it's not the right thing to do, and would only hinder the process should she decide to go to the cops.
Yet again though, while it especially pisses me off that they did this to someone I care about, maybe a good thrashing will prevent them from doing it again. So while socially unacceptable, would I be doing someone else a favour, consequences be damned? Not looking to be a pariah through vigilantism, but is this something I can just let be in good conscience? I'm just not convinced letting them get away with it if she decides to do nothing is "right". It's technically none of my business at that point, but knowing what I know about these two.. I dunno. It's rotten to the core. From my past I know exactly how much I stand to lose.. but I'm not getting that self-preservation instinct to just let it be. I guess I'm just retarded like that.
Anyways, I gotta see what she decides to do Police wise.. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 3:44:15 PM | | Oh brother, you are the biggest fool on this planet. She's afraid her boyfriend will find out she had sex with others and came up with the rape story. It never fails when a hoe can't control herself, when she has a boyfriend, to yell rape. A rape that occurred in a party, in a bedroom with fellow guests. Funny thing, she does know who to turn to. A wussy with a Napoleon complex. 99 out of 100 hoes have the same story and an egotistic guy friend to depend on for vindication. Yet no police ever gets called. Go ahead, tough boy, get those two she spread for. You are afraid of them and know that she's cheap. After all, she was with you and others like you. Real nice girl there, the flower mommy wants for her son. | |
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-P-
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 46 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 3:55:28 PM | How much of the thread did you actually read? Where does this assumption that she's a hoe come from? Wussy with a Napoleon complex? lol.. if only you knew  I'd say "I'd take offence but".. but.. not even that.
I'd rip you a new one for what's gotta be by far the most rediculous, unsubstantiated post in this thread, and I'd have tons of fun doing it, but my energy is better spent elsewhere at this time.. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 4:00:53 PM | If she wants to tell someone about it, its her choice. and its never to late to tell someone in authorities. Granted, it's a little harder now if theres no dna and all that.
its not fair to say its to late to someone who just went through something horrid and aren't really sure of what to do.
that's really incredible of you to be there for your friend, and that you actually BELIEVE her. ive heard so many stories of girls getting raped and not even their best friends believing them. I am sure she is very grateful for your support and believing in her. It's not her fault, never will be. whether she was drunk or anything. someone violated her.
just continue what your doing. let her know what options are available if she's interested (find a rape crisis center in your area by searching the net).
again, she's lucky to have a friend like you. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 4:01:30 PM | OP "From my past I know how much I stand to lose.."
Then you know the answer...
I give two perpectives to consider and let the common sense, and not the rage, has the last word. Personally, I don't know what would do. I guess I have to live the moment. Maybe being
an outsider I can be rational. What I do know for sure is that a kick in the a$$ is going to be
a momentary satisfaction. They are others way to go around which more permanent damage.
You can find out were they live and spread out posters in the school, by the 7/11, front door,
supermarket. You can spread the word at their jobsite. You can sit down, do nothing and
wait for the right moment like... the wedding day and then tell the bride as wedding gift. You
can be as morbid or as sick as you want or you can get the beisbol bat to talk to them and
be you the one who end up in jail and getting mandatory anger managment counseling in the
name of the justice that works for them and, at the same time, piss on your friend.
The another one is about what is more important to you and to her at this moment?
She needs you and if you are a friend, you have to be there. And in order to be around, you
have suck it up, let it go (for now if you want) and do what you have to do. That, as today, is talk, support, comfort her and avoid a confrontation with the other side.
...and in your spare time, one of those moments you have nothing do let your imagination runs
wild...
BTW My g/f put crazy glue bet the legs of his abuser and cheater ex. It was the last thing she did before to leave when he was sleeping, drunk, passed out. She closed the door and
never looked back. It was her way to say good bye. | |
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-P-
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Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 50 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/21/2006 4:12:06 PM |
The another one is about what is more important to you and to her at this moment?
She needs you and if you are a friend, you have to be there.
You're right.. I'm being selfish wanting to deal with my own anger on the issue. I'm not thinking about what would be best for her. This isn't about me, it's about her, and me staying outside of the "big house" is definitely a better state of affairs, for both of us.
But that doesn't address my other concern that they may do this again. I'm definitely going to have to figure something out.. something that stays legal. Can't just let them think they got away with it. | |
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-p-, glad there's guys in the world like you.