| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/24/2006 7:56:27 AM |
It doesn't matter whether she was drunk or not...it was not consentual.....rape is rape.
You can not make that statement unless you saw it happen. You don't know if it was or was not consensul. (Lawyers next words are "Move to strike. Calls for a conslusion" and out it goes.) You could get by with "IF it was not consensual", but you do not have the facts to make that judgement.
Alcohol lowers resistance and stirs libido. Many studies have proven that. Drunk will make a difference. See my earlier post on how that angle would be attacked in a courtroom.
Every one of you women who have blindly banded together to make this something it might not have been need to take a breath and familiarize yourself with a concept called "rush to judgement". Put the gender-biased "we have to stick together" emotions aside and think about what the tools are that a jury has to work with. A jury will say "Of COURSE she will claim rape to save face." They will also think "Of COURSE the guys will deny it to avoid jail." Jury duty is tough when it's something this serious.
And I will add again, IF it was not consensual, report it. I still don't think we have the whole story. The OP is a man this girl was once involved with. She deems him to be someone she respects and seeks HIS respect in return. IF this was a consensual three way sex thing, she may have fears that he would lose respect for her. Consenting to sex and being embarassed about it later does not retroactively make it rape.
Again, I don't know what really happened. Nobody does but the three people involved. Typically a court will ask "Who has something to gain by lying?" and that carries a great deal of weight when they weigh relative merit of testimony.
However, nobody outside of the three people involve knows if a crime was committed or some liquored up people thought it would be fun to have a wild 3-way sexual encounter.
If the guys were friends of yours, would you believe THEM or HER?
The sad part here is the possibility that it will not be reported. It really needs to be reported if only to have the authorities have a chat with the guys involved. A long chat in an interrogation room seems to have a positive effect and remind people to think before they do.
NOBODY, me included, ESPECIALLY me, is saying that sexual assualt in any form is acceptable. However, people are still innocent until proven guilty. Get them into court, bring in the witnesses, and if they are guilty, lock them up. It is equally fair to say that if they are NOT guilty they will be proven so. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 7/24/2006 3:12:51 PM |
It doesn't matter whether she was drunk or not...it was not consentual.....rape is rape.
Literally true. However, being drunk does matter - because in most jurisdictions, being under the influence or intoxicated is a state of being where consent CANNOT be given. With the circumstances described, that condition may be easier to prove than to show that verbal consent was [otherwise] given or revoked.
If she were drunk, it's not that she consented or not; it's that she COULDN'T consent, even if she wanted to. The question of consent never has to be reached. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 11:48:05 AM | Actually Squirrly.. this man's friend can still report it, despite not having evidence. There is no time limitations on sexual assaults, no matter how they happened. And 2 friends of the hosts cannot claim drunkeness. No matter the situation, one has to be held accountable for their actions. There is no excuse for rape. No means no and just because one is incapacitated by alcohol, makes this horrible act even worse.
For the guy supporting his friend in all this.. as much as its hard to calm your anger, you will have to do it. Harness your angry feelings and just use them to support your friend. Help her find the courage to come forward to the police or to seek personal counselling. She will be going thru hell for some time and anger is no way to deal with something so traumatic in her life. She may look at your anger and decide that coming forward is not worth finding inner peace and your friend needs to start "healing"
When she does go to the police and these people are brought forward. Look at it this way, even if there is little chance of justice being served.. they will have to face up to the people they know and if still little is done.. keep this tid-bit of advice >>
"Revenge is a dish best served cold"
I'm not saying go out and do anything stupid.. but there are ways of getting even with the people who are guilty, without throwing your life away. If you do something, make sure you don't get caught. But remember something << are you doing it for the right reasons??
In the meantime.. support your friend. She is going to need all the support from anyone close to her or anyone she still trusts. She is in a fragile state of mind and you must be relentless in your support, especially in the time to come.
I truly hope your friend will find justice by any means... Good luck..
Forbidden | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 11:52:54 AM |
Originally posted by DrewBond:
"There are no victims, only volunteers!"
I can NOT believe you just said that. I can't. I mean, you did, there it is, but I can't believe that such absolute utter a$$holes exist in this world.
I'm stunned.
To the OP, I think you're being a great friend to this woman... don't let jerks like that turn your head. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 12:37:48 PM | Women take something away from rape... either it's fear or guilt, shame or growth through understanding and ultimately acceptance and forgiveness.
Understanding? Yes, I can say that from experience. You learn from each experience you have in life. You can cry about it, but that doesn't change the deed.
You can attempt to keep yourself out of situations where these things can happen - but yet, the world is constantly presenting you with new situations.
We don't learn about the sexual pressures put on us from books. We only learn from observation of other's experiences or from our own experiences.
Yes, most times a woman is raped it is via alcohol and most always aquaintances or husbands.
The first time, there is fear of pregnancy... the woman's first time is under the age of 21.
Again... I say that simply from experience and talking to other women.
The second time you are ashamed - because you think you should have know better than to be in that position. This partains to all women of all ages. We are a trusting lot. And naive.
Finally, you start to learn a few things about life and men. And what you are strong enough to survive. Most of all - what you can rise above.
We need a few good movies to help educate our younger women before they become statistics. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 1:09:59 PM | ok, i reallly feel for the op!
i was raped once when i was 13 by my then sisters current bf, then again at 18, everyone deals with rape diffenetly the only thing u cant ever do op is be there for her, its a wicked thing to go through, its really eats you up inside, lots of girls dont report it as we just get branded a slag that had a one nighter and then regreated it, the people that cry rape too are also sick, god, ehy does no one belive us girls arnt all that sick in the head
op...... listen to her and be there for her, she really does need help to get through this, its inpossiable to do it alone | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 1:22:57 PM | OP--you should be proud of being a loving and supportive friend. You are doing a great thing for her.
To the rest of you that think "she may have asked for it" or is lying: if you had ever been through the process of reporting a rape, you would know that it is a further violation. Why would she lie? How does she benefit from making this up? This kind of suspicious, superficial, and critical attitude is precisely the reason that more sexual assaults do not get reported. Shame!
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 1:44:11 PM | i can kinda see where your ex is coming from tho, cuz i've recently been in that situation, not to the point of getting raped but well pretty darn close, and it's a very scary thing, you have no control what so ever! and after you keep playing it over in your head, thinking how you could have done something differently. and you don't like telling ppl cuz it's embarassing and you don't want ppl to think differently of you, or weak or w/e. it's really hard to let ppl know whats going on, i think for now keep doing what your doing and keep being there for her and keep giving her options like telling the cops or w/e and just reasure her that it's not her fault and they were at a wrong not her!  | |
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ya472
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Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 112 | |
| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 2:06:58 PM | __
I wouldn't know what to do, but as previously mentioned, I would be skeptical.
1) She doesn't want to report it.
2) These were friends of the host, like has he been informed?
3) Where were all the other people when she was being raped?
4) Reporting a rape, puts people on alert, in case there are OTHER victims!
5) What was her motive, to tell this ex, but not want to tell anyone else?
Why do men get into a protect the 'poor innocent lady, by beating someone up" mode. They weren't there, they don't know the facts, just 'one side of the story', and you don't have the right to be judge and jury.
6) People lie.
Is she telling this ex because he is 'special' ? If any of my 'friends' burdened me with such important knowledge, first they would know I would need to tell police, and second, if this wasn't going to happen, you aren't much of a friend in the first place. (expecially an ex)
Just an observation, because I don't know what I would do.
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 8/20/2006 2:35:57 PM | ... it's taking all of my self-restraint and willpower to not start hunting these scumbags down.. I'm LIVID over here, feeling a level of anger and hatred I haven't felt in over a decade, and I don't like it one bit.
So you want to be the executioner of the men without giving them a trial or even hearing their side. You are a violent person and you need therapy to help control your anger.
No woman deserves to be raped even when she deliberately puts herself at risk. You can never be 100 percent certain, but in 98 percent of the cases it is easy to tell the difference in a man that is risky and prone to lose self-control—the type that might rape a women—and the men that are not. Your ex is clearly attracted to the violent type—first you and now the two alleged rapists. Except when women are abducted and raped by strangers, most rapes are the results of women putting themselves in risky situations by getting drunk and giving their attentions to the exciting violent types rather than the safe and non-exciting men.
That doesn’t give the men the right to rape her and in doing so they are criminals; however, when women choose risky behavior, they are likely to be harmed. It is true that women have the right to put themselves at risk; however, having the right to do so, does not mean there is no danger.
If an ex-girl friend or any friend gets raped, and it is not immediately afterwards when I find out about it, I'm going to be sympathetic. If she ask my opinion I will offer suggestions. However, most likely she already has considered her choices and just need comfort and an sympathetic ear. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 9/28/2007 2:22:42 PM | Hi....this is a topic...I can help you with. First....call a rape crisis center. Talk to them and they will guide her on what to do. They are in every major city. They will provide her with group or individual counciling and it is for free. She needs to tell the police because whoever these men are....they will do it to someone else. Do not go after these men...you do not want to make things worse and that will make your friend feel real bad. You don't want her to worry about you as well. You are being a great friend but she really needs to talk to women that have been in the same situation. She needs to understand what happened to her was NOT her fault and that NO means NO even if you have been drinking. Also....it would be a good thing for you to talk with someone who is specialized at this also because rape hurts other people outside the survivor. This is also taking it's toll on you. Just continue what you're doing but really...really...get her to go to crisis center....it will help her more than she knows.
Good luck and God bless. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 9/29/2007 10:02:31 AM | Unfortunately I have seen this time and time again. I work in law enforcement and have been for the last 20 years. This is becoming more and more common in this day and age. girl gets drunk and has sex with a guy. Then afterwards she gets worried about how her family, other boyfriend or others will think and *gasp* the possibility she might get pregnant and files a false police report.
This is unfortunate if she's actually a victim of an actual rape but it seems like the more false reports that get filed the harder it is for true victims to be believed. Sad but true.. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 9/29/2007 11:28:46 AM | Ok...let me tell ya from a rapee's point of view....
The very BEST thing you can do for her, is be there for her to vent to, and help her see that she did nothing to deserve this. Just because she was drinking or drunk, didn't give those guys the right to do what they did to her. I couldnt go to anyone about what happened to me for years...ended up trying to kill myself...and even when family found out, it was assumed I had to have done something to have caused it. Feelings of shame and guilt ate at me for literally years and bled into my first marriage, until a man who became my best friend got close enough to me that I trusted him. I began to open up and he helped me so much by just being able to listen to me and give me his honest opinion about what I could do to help myself overcome all that. I applaude you for being there for her. It shows what a man of integrity and trust you are. I wish her well. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 9/29/2007 10:50:22 PM | well bro i can simpathize with you situation. i was envolved in somthing similar. it wasnt my ex. but the girlfriend of one of my closest bros. mt best friend to be honest. she went emidiatly to the authorities and did what she could. if your friend doesnt do something fast then the chances of her seeing justice are slim. that is a sad fact in most of these cases. the longer it goes, evidence gets lost, questions are raised and scrutiny is then placed on the validity of what she says. even though she is an ex there is one big reason you are still as close as friends as you are. you must be or she wouldnt just trust you with this matter. and that is simply she cares more for you then her current b/f.
the best thing you can do is suport her as much as you can. you are her rock. it is ultimatly her decision. in my own situation the justice system being as weak as it is didnt do anything because of the peticulars it came down to he said/she said. well my buddy and i found him. i wont go into the details but its said he lives in another state. if your mind wonders to that side of the fence all i can suggest is you ask yourself one question. how many acuaintances do most people have that they wouldnt risk to much for, versus how many true friends does one have that thell risk it all for? ive been locked down and for the right reasone when it comes to family and true friends am not affraid of going back. all i can say is make wise choices as to what you do. best of luck to you and her. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 9/30/2007 4:00:34 AM | lets see
party + drunk
lots of people there
all "friends"
raped by two guys not one
so both guys said and planned to rape her at the same time
she wont go to the police only will tell her EX
oh well too me it sounds like she agreed to get gang banged and regrets it the next day - so to blot it out of her mind she is trying to convince herself she was raped
her story doesn't hold water in my books
can you say "Duke Lacrosse Team " ?
as for hunting these scum bags down and hurting them
if you want to go to gaol and be ass raped yourself and made into "bubbas bitch" because you feel you have to do this --- you seriously need to take a good long hard look at yourself --- is this EX - really worth you screwing up your life ?
shakes head -- don't be naive and ruin your own life for an EX
EX's are the past - leave them there
WOULD SHE DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR YOU ?
will she come visit you in gaol twice a week and polish your armour for you to keep it shiny while your playing mommies and daddies with bubba in your cell ?
I DONT THINK SO
she has "pussy power" over you -- be your own man - by all means take her to the police to support her when she makes her statement etc -- but you are not the law | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 10/1/2007 11:22:22 PM | first of all, the girl is a moron. since this happend a little while ago it is most likely that the physical evidence is gone. she would have had to have gone to the hospital immediately after this happened to get a rape kit done on her. they would have taken semen samples, performed a full pelvic exam complete with a pap smear and the whole bit... and taken any other smaples from her body and or clothing. also, if a woman has showered after the rape, well... good luck honey! unless there is some sort of coroborating physical evidence e.g. a torn piece of clothing, a bruised arm, or signs of a struggle... well... it becomes her word against his.
date rape can be difficult to prove. and going through a trial can be quite brutal as well. so few women know what they are supposed to do if they are raped, and so few know that they need to unequivicably tell the perpetrator NO, STOP, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU... etc. and that they need to get a rape kit done pronto IF they have been raped...
i am sorry that you are dealing with this but it just sounds like a bunch of drama to me. the girl isn't willing to do anything about it. she did not go to the police, and most likely the evidence is now washed away or destroyed... there is most likely NO case and it is her doing.
she just wants someone to whine to about it and feel sorry for her. somehow it is hard for me to feel sorry for a woman who won't stand up and do the right thing. how many other women will now be raped by these two scumbags simply because she didn't want to report it. does she not have any ethics? does she not have any concept of the fact that this didn't just happen to HER... that it happened to her AS A WOMAN... and that now all other women that meet these two chumps are potential victims? the next woman who gets raped by these two pieces of human debris? guess what... it'll be her fault as well...
yeah... she's a real winner alright... maybe that is why she's your ex?
lar | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 10/2/2007 1:28:12 PM | | She is using you. Ex is ex. Write her off, and never contact her again. She is probably lieing to you to keep you hanging on as a reserve backup. Even if it were true, the rape is something she does not want others to know about, so she is not going to the cops...because then everyone will know. For the record: you are a fool if you even talk to her again. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 10/2/2007 1:33:31 PM | | The skank was not raped. Either no sex happened, and she is lieing to make you stay around to be protective, and give her money, attention, etc...or she went to the party to have sex-most people do-and she concocted the phony rape claim to assuage her guilt, and shame. A week from now, she will be back at the same place, with the same people, getting 'raped' again....and loving it; until she sobers up and feels guilty, and has to concoct another rape fantasy story. | |
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| When an ex-girl friend gets raped... what would you do?
Posted: 10/2/2007 6:24:27 PM | Firstly rape is really hard to prove.
However she has to report it, it is an illegal act , can happen to others and i think she will only regret it in the end.
Someone in this post said it isnt your problem, they just wernt very tactful in way they put it but he has a point.
You are not a social worker.
You are not the police and you are not her partner.
She may need councillin and profesional help and with the greatest of respect you cant truely understand how she is right now.
Also she needs checkin for stds and all that stuff , pregnancy test and all that sort of thing.
She needs help gettin through all this and you are takin on an awful lot and you do have to think of your self too.
Id encourage her to tell her partner , if she cant then she has even more of an issue. | |
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