| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:45:26 AM | OKAY THEN!
after reading all the responses to this post, i must say that 99% of you people are addicted in some way shape or form and don't even realize it. Theres shopping, food, gambling, drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, sex, desparate need of a relationship, addicted to drama and chaos, gossip, work, exercise, self consumed with how one looks! Oh my god the list goes on and on.
As a recovering drug addict of 14 years, yes 14 I can tell you that if I had a choice of dating a recovering addict or a "normal" person (can someone explain what normal is?) I would date a recovering addict. Theres a big difference between a recovering addict and an active addict. If the person is relapsing every few days to weeks to months they are considered active addicts. Recovering addicts take "their program" (the twelve steps)seriously and have changed every aspect of there lives. Which in turns give them a healthier lifestyle, physically, financially, emotionally, mentally and most important spiritually. Most recovering addicts do have a higher level of intelligence because of insight and lifes experiences and are aware of themselves and there behaviour, such as when they get angry they work on NOT taking it out on the ones they love, they figure out whats going on inside themselves and deal with it, AND talk about it, unlike some of you "normal people" who would just say everythings "fine" which means "****ed up" "insecure" "neurotic" "emotional" or asked whats wrong the response is "nothing" or (i love this expression from women to there spouses) "you should know" (like people are mind readers or something sheesh!!!). There is such a higher level of communictation, love, respect, understanding, open mindedness, the willingness to be there for each other between two addicts, you can't find that amongst the "normal people" and its actually quite sad! Working the twelve steps in any program is NOT about the substance itself but about the "why" this has happened and when one does actually work the steps into every area of there life the changes are absolutely amazing! We become very aware of our behaviour and those around us and have the guts and ability to look at the negatives we need to change whether its ourselves or our surroundings and do something about it! Can't say that about too many of you "non addicts" or "normal people" who stay stuck in whatever situation your in mostly out of fear if you really want to face the truth of the matter. Most of you don't even realize how you behave and treat yourselves and others and think you aren't doing anything wrong! I've heard it said many times at the meetings I attend and they are countless, but it has been said that "EVERYONE should be in a twelve step program" if you have the guts to go that deep! Recovering addicts are the bravest people I know, so I suggest before there are anymore inane comments about people's addiction, check out a meeting, see if any of it makes sense to you. If it does than maybe, just maybe theres something YOU need to look at! | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 4:57:10 AM | First of all Id like to say I am an alcoholic and have been to rehab and am currently in recovery through AA and spritual growth and an absolute new way of thinking in order to save my own life and live a happy one for as long as I can. I had a succseful Military career and Im A good father and friend to those I consider friends and vice versa. I make this quite clear in my profile and for the record any addiction regardless of the type is the same. Its up to the person to realize he or she has a problem and do something about it to save their own lives. Its true a great percentage relapse and will never be able to recover for any number of reasons. but if someone REALLY wants to live a productive happy life then its up to them and them only first. It isnt easy in fact its just as tough as ANY experience Ive went thru. Im not looking for anyone to SAVE me, I do need support and to be honest that support that motivates me and inspires me most every single day comes from those that are still in recovery and active in their own cleanliness/sobriety. Believe me if you havent been there you dont get it. Addictions dont discriminate and they exists at all walks of life regardless of income or status. So If someday I find love then that will truley be a blessing but until then Ill take friends and try to be happy and live my life On lifes terms. Bless you all.
David | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 6:22:44 AM | Well...recently been going down the path with a person who is in AA...quite frankly, I was blown away when this man told me he was only in 4 months (by now it's 6 I guess)...some of you may have seen my other posts regarding him. He told me he was in recovery on the first date. Within a couple of days we were inseparable...and truly I believe opened up to each other in a way that is not the norm. His "overthinking" ended it, and the place he is in is his recovery...there was a little unpleasantness; and now we are in contact, not defined as together at all...but still in our hearts are, just unspoken and unnamed. For me - would I choose to take a path where I worry about someone's sobriety? Would I choose to have such a connection, and yet know that we can't take it to the limit? Of course not - but we meet who we meet, and connect with who we connect with. Will we end up together? I don't know. But the person who he is becoming, is so spectacular, and the opportunity to be someone he knows he can rely on, is so humbling to me...that it is worth it. I am sure of one thing - at whatever level it ends up being - he will always be in my life. That's enough.
So - I guess what I mean is - to me I started a relationship with a person, not with their past or their addiction. Sometimes, who someone is calls to you...and of course, I follow my heart, not my head. | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 6:37:31 AM | | i was a meth addict for ten years...I KNOW!!.....rehab in1991...been clean since...of course i know i'm an exceptional few who have been blessed with the an extreme desire to be clean....it's taken many years of counseling to overcome the bad thought patterns and feelins that come with addiction.....you can be a 'dry addict' which is someone who doesnt use but hasn't dealt with these issues..that is another thing narc annonymous does for you...is she active in any support groups?...if not she could be hard to deal with | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 9:02:45 AM | | wow, alot of you guys are really harsh. Don't you think that people can recover from past mistakes? I grew up in a very drug filled environment i've seen alot of people get addicted to certain drugs as teenagers (including crack) but since then I know at least 2 of them who have cleaned up completely, they made mistakes when they were kids but as adults they've delt with the withdrawl, they've changed their lives over and are now completely clean, they don't touch any drugs, they don't drink, they haven't replaced crack with another additction, they have good jobs, healthy relationships... I think some people are stronger than others and if they really want to get clean, if they are motivated and have a strong will, the can do it and make it stick. I was talking to one of those two ex-crackhead girls and she was telling me her life on the streets, her drugs use, all that made her just that much better at her job, made her a better mother and a more understanding wife. She is a social worker, an understanding wife and a mother who knows the pitfalls of being a teenager... I believe everyone should have a second chance if they really want it. | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 5:24:01 PM | Well, Mell, see.......there is hope for everybody.
But drugs or alcohol do not belong to my culture or to my upbringing and I want nothing to do with them. I even have a problem with smoke, never mind drugs. It is not the addiction in itself, but more the kind of environment and upbringing related to the previous use of drugs that would concern me. If you go with the blind, you learn to fall too; this is a principle that I apply in my everyday life. Now, if I meet an adult that had a brief encounter with drugs as a teenager, that is a different story. But one that had an addiction? No, thanks. | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 6:58:01 PM | | very true........a serious program is 2 years without any contact from the outside world......then ..roughly 2 years supervised, back into society. they need to be broken down to a NOTHING...even less than what they were......and thats little.......then to be brainwashed and built back into being worthwhile people.........absolutely harsh.......but it works...... | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 7:12:10 PM | | much of what u said is true.......and very honest. FOR THOSE THAT HAVE DONE THE 12 STEPS and stay on the 12th ...and progress on the 13th.communication and honesty .the drug addict is very good at....Im like this and i m sorry i cant help it .but this and that made it that way.....very good communication skills..lay the cards on the table........ also true we should mostly all be on the programe.....one way or another.depending on whats the norm........what u mentioned, drinking, gambling , useless sex, etc isnt the norm. so yes they to should be on the program. i think the importance should be in how long has the person been on the program and are they still on the program......ie......3 months is not enough to change ur life around.neither is 2 years,,,,,,when the person reaches the 4 year or so, then they can start realistically say im a changed person and aware of where i might fail............now THAT person .is prob more stronger than a person who has never failed at anything yet. | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 7:19:57 PM | | I think it depends also on how old the person is. if the person is an addict in their upper 30's and higher, then there is a problem. the younger ones under 30, i think, were probably playing too much and finally grew up. I dated a coke head....late 30's bigest mistake of my life....but i learned a lot. btw, didn't know he was an addict until very late in the relationship. | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/28/2008 7:46:41 PM | | i also didnt realise until 10 months into a relationship that man was alcoholic.....and of all people i should have known i had always thought addiction as gambling, sex drugs etc..didnt occure to me alcohol..... the hardest thing was for me to walk away.....it was hard to stay in the first place......but even harder for me to walk away. i felt a failure......but he was pulling me down with him...and i knew i had to walk away to help him ..................i think younger people are easier to change than people in their 50s........the sad thing for me was knowing that he would find a woman who would accept him for what he was......so he didnt really need me that much. i was replaceable | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 8/31/2008 8:41:54 PM | again, the ignorance of the general public really concerns me here, especially from justdoitviv.
there is NO 13TH STEP! HELLO? Those of us in a twelve step program joke around about "step 13" One: it doesn't exist and Two: 13 stepping is when a long time recovering addict whether male or female hits on a newcomer! To simplify it, ITS NOT GOOD!!!
And there is not "length of time" to determine who gets better etc..............this is a life long process, and always will be!
Another comment got me as well, something about 2 years out of the general public etc........... you got to be kidding me? Its not a jail sentence for crying out loud. I personally got clean and attended meetings without missing work and still being a part of society. Not all of us come from poor backgrounds are crawling out of sewers thank you very much! Many many addicts come from middle class to well to do backgrounds. Addiction is not gender based, lifestyle based, culture based etc.............and like i said before, many people are addicted to something and don't even want to consider it as an addiction and think its normal.
Lets define addiction shall we?
Any mind or mood altering substance done in excess. Anything that takes you out of yourself, especially when you can't handle life on life's terms. Anything done in excess to make yourself feel better for the moment, such as shopping, overeating, sex, gambling etc.................
But enough of my 2 cents............I am not here trying to make anyone understand, but other recovering addicts that have posted on here know exactly what i am talking about, the rest of you, I understand the ignorance and hope you all at some point can learn something and quit throwing us all into a category of thinking we will never suceed. On that note i will share a quick story. In my younger years i met a woman directly off the streets, heavily addicted and into prostitution. Today she is the Executive Director of a major treatment facility in Detroit.
and makes quite the nice income, what have you achieved? | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 9/1/2008 12:32:35 AM |
Yes, I think you were wrong in doing so, but I can't be sure I'm right. It would have to be on a case by case basis. People change. From here, it seems a cruel and heartless thing to do, to end the relationship because she was honest with you. Your coldness may well have pushed her back into that chemical hell. Sad, if nothing else.
See neck, this is what some people are most concerned with...the relapse. The recovery is all good and nice, but the chance of a relapse is what will see a good lot of people elect not to get involved from the get-go. I don't think it was cruel or heartless, it was a consequence, as I had mentioned before. People make mistakes, and there will always be consequences. We can all admire that she was honest, but she had to understand that there may be consequences. In your context, you almost made it appear that it would've been better had she kept it a secret and lied about it essentially. Not trying to put words in your mouth, but this is how you made it appear to me. So people should be allowed to lie about something so major because it may cost them their relationship? What good is a lie gonna be?
You made a mistake. There will be consequences. Always.
Some people would be able to possibly see past it and accept it at face value. Good on them. In this case, it was something that was unacceptable to him and he acted on it. It's part of our ability to choose what we feel is best and right for us. A way to keep us outta harm's way. Let's say for the sake of argument that he elected to stay. Then what? That somehow guarantees that she won't relapse after some other event in her life that didn't agree with her? And now he has to sit there and pick up the pieces and watch his SO deteriorate before his eyes and shoulder the burden? If not for anything else, the constant "what if" would always loom over his head had he chose to stay, and no one should have to live like that.
If nothing else, his "coldness" as you put it, is gonna be a huge test for her to see if she really has the strength of will and character to truly be "recovered" and able to reject the desire to relapse. By ending it, he may actually have done her a huge favor that even he didn't contemplate.
Ever think of that?
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:15:04 PM | oh PULEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!
how many have you ever run to the nearest bar after a breakup? but thats ok right?
who's to say she would even relapse after this breakup anyway? People are people not matter what and rejection is rejection no matter what, she probably handled it better than most of you, by going to her supports and dealing with it instead of heading to the nearest meat market for a rebound!!!!!! | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 9/5/2008 2:09:55 PM | I'm a recovering addict and Nov. 12 I will have 18 yrs clean. It can be accomplished with work and effort for the person who wants it! Wrap YOUR mind around the fact that addiction is a disease that can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible!
But narrow mindedness is forever! | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 9/5/2008 4:13:25 PM |
I'm a recovering addict and Nov. 12 I will have 18 yrs clean. It can be accomplished with work and effort for the person who wants it! Wrap YOUR mind around the fact that addiction is a disease that can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible!
But narrow mindedness is forever!
Having an opinion and a preference, and the RIGHT to do what you think is best for you does not equal narrow mindedness.
Congrats on your 18 years.
Maybe you should work on your people skills next?
Just a thought...
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:16:02 PM | I find your out look on this very harsh.... but its your opinion!!
I have a very close friend who was a meth head... and is now clean! I would trust this person with my life. I have also dated persons who were ex-meth heads/ coke heads and had no issues with that! There is such a thing as recovery!! | |
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| Anyone else think Dating someone with a previous Drug Addiction is a BAD idea?!
Posted: 9/5/2008 9:11:00 PM | | I have never done drugs in my life nor thought about it. But it's cruel to presume that once a cracker always a cracker. I have seen some of my friends kick the habit for good and turn their lives around forever. But if you think it is something you can not deal with, then you should not. Simple. | |
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