| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/25/2006 9:24:46 PM | well i totally understand what you are saying but at the same time it's confusing for others that aren't in the same situation perhaps that i am. my son's father doesnt' want anything to do with either one of us, which i don't mind but it terrible for my son b/c he doesn't know who is father is b/c my son's father doesn't want him to know. but whatever, right, somethings in life we just have to get over. however as far as not looking for a daddy for my child, i'm not, i'm looking for someone to help me complete me, be there for me, but with that comes the understanding that i have a child, he will always come first and if they aren't willing to deal with that, well then there is the door don't let it hit you in the a** on the way out. But i guess what i get from this is when women (men) say they aren't looking for a daddy (mommy) for their child (children) means that they don't want them to be replaced for the ones that are active in the child's life, but also they have to understand that if the relationship goes in that direction then there is a possibility that they will have to step up to the plate and fill the absent parents role. i have met several ppl in my short time of being a single mom. i don't introduce them all to my son. only the ones that have been really serious, and going in "that" direction. well being single now means that they didn't work out, for other reasons, but none of them were daddy, they were just friends of mommys and my son was never hurt. but when the time comes, and depending how the child is they can make the desicion themselves as to whether or not the new man or woman is a new mommy or daddy to them. hope this helps. find someone for you first, then everything else will fall into place
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 7/26/2006 7:17:31 PM | I think people who write that stuff ARE ACTUALLY looking ofr one, but they are so desperatley trying to divert ones attantion from it they actually start babbling about it.
I know many men and women will reply say " I dont do that " Not me " so I guess not EVERY Profile in question is correct. But I stand by what I said and believe that a good portion of them fall into this catagory. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/4/2006 5:55:53 AM | I read this ALL the time, Its just to lude!
Look at this site alone, it just filled with women, who have a 6-7-8 month old child. When you talk to the girl, she will tell you how her "MAN" (dissappeared) left her when she was 3 months prego. So this girl has been thru the last 6 months of her pregnancy ALONE and spent the first 6 months of her childs life ALONE. 12 months, with no one there for her, during a time when she needs the most nurturing and companionship!
They ALL say "not looking for a father for my baby, she/he already has one", but if she did have one, he would be there. Facts just dont add up!
You ladies CANT say your not exspecting/hoping/desiring/looking for this, its just not fair. Its misadvertising. But this is the only way you can hope to NOT SCARE a dude away.
I know, if I were to date woman who has kids, that they come with her, package deal. I DO look at them too. This is how I judge a woman, by how her kids are.
There is no way you can tell me, Im not going to assume the roll of FATHER, or I like to put it as "DAD", cause Im the one thats going to be THERE for them. Im the one who will help with their homework, help fix things they broke, clean their messes, give them hugs, scratch their back, cook them dinner, ect. Its going to be ME that does it, so, I infact, will be the DAD, cause this is the job I will be doing AND most of the women here have got to admit, that this is exactly what you hoping for! | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/4/2006 4:57:13 PM | I completely disagree, as I am one that would clearly state to a male that I am not looking for a father for my daughter. I am a single mom of a five year old. Her relationship is extremely limited with her father (his choice) and yet, I would NEVER ask a guy to come into my life and take over his role. He will always be her father - no matter how good or bad. We have no control over others actions and I simply view it as his loss.
I have taken full custody of my daughter since the divorce, have not asked for any help other than the child support he owes his daughter - not me. I don't expect some man to come in and take care of both myself and my daughter. As far as I'm concerned, if you can't take care of yourself, then you shouldn't be looking at getting involved with anyone nor having a child. Women and men need to be more self supporting, not counting on others to take care of them. That is what gets you into situations and relationships that aren't healthy. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/4/2006 5:27:04 PM | I would think that dating is an entirely different subject for stating "not looking for a daddyto my child", but if the relationship progresses far enough to the "I love You's" I would hope that he/she would encircle you and your child/ren.
I was a stepmother to my ex's son and we have a wonderful relationship to this day. I hope that anyone I bring into our family as a "significant other" would enhance my childs life equally. Without asking - it should be a natural process of role acceptance. Of course my childs father lives out of state and does not have an active role. My sons male role models come from his two loving uncles.
Am I dreaming here? LOL Maybe I'm too much of an optimist.
~Sandy | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/6/2006 6:09:22 PM | LabLuvr, I hear what your saying, Im not really arguing with you, you may not EXSPECT it, but deep down inside you want it, need it. Im sure you can do well with out it, but your better with it, assuming that he does the right things.
But your right about the unhealthy relationships. Alot of people get themselves STUCK in a situation thats not good, with options to getting out. Wind up getting abused cause of this. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/6/2006 6:15:19 PM | Some great points Sandy.
Enhance the childs life - I cant imagine falling in love with the WOMEN only, but not the kids. If I dont feel things for the child, I cant get into the relationship. Of coarse this isnt going to happen over night, but it should happen naturally. I look to see if the kids NATURALLy bond to me, with out any prompting from mom. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/6/2006 8:40:23 PM | Actually, I have that in my profile, and it's becuase I have been flat out asked. I have seriously been asked if I am looking for a new daddy for my kids. Blew me away.
It seems to me that some men think that I must be on a dating site because the father of my children is absent and I want someone to fill his shoes. Even if he was absent, I would NOT join a dating site for that reason. I think it's completely stupid that I have to put such a statement in my profile, but apparently I do. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/6/2006 10:55:51 PM | This is going to sound harsh....but I think some will understand what I'm saying......
I find that those women who post an ad that says "I'm not looking for a man to be a father of my child" are actually being counterproductive to themselves, their children, AND any prospective man who might be a great candidate as a mate. It SOUNDS very noble at first...."Hey, c'mon board.....you don't have to have to have ANY of the responsibility. The milk's free! I need a guy!! So I'll be willing to give up some of those NATURAL and HEALTHY man to woman, man to child, and parents (plural) to child dynamics in order to just have somebody around!"
The sad part is, by picking a mate who does not HAVE to share in the parental responsibilities in ONE household, (even if there is an active father living in a different house) you cheat your child out of learning how two people not only love each other in SHARED RESPONSIBILITIES in the rearing of the children.....but in teaching them how to be able to accept that an older person NOT of blood is worthy of respect when that person wishes to be a part of that child's life. Because NO person who is going to be with a woman with kids is going to remain, for very long, simply IDLE and innocuous. Sooner or later....there will be situations in which he IS going to play a role.
You make it simpler on EVERYBODY if you don't make up the rules as YOU go....to only suit YOUR needs as the mother.....How confusing will it be for EVERYBODY on any given day? "No you can't tell him to do that"....."WHY didn't you tell him to do that?" "He HAS a father?" "Why weren't you WATCHING THEM?"......do you NOT know the absolute CHAOS that will ensue? And as great as that milk sounded in the beginning....eventually....he's going to want to find a pasture where he can have the cow...AND be admired for the bull he is SUPPOSED to be.
Rather than try to invent some wheel with six sides to it.....why not just go back to the old fashioned wheel? The one that rolled?
The wheel that rolls is this one......
Grown ups first.......children second.....
Grown ups run the house TOGETHER.....Children are to LEARN from BOTH grown ups....
This includes STEP situations........whether your children have their temper tantrums about a new person coming into their lives at the beginning or not. (Here's a clue ladies....your children test YOU more than you know to see what they can get away with...and for how long.)
Now...I say some of these things clearly with the understanding that this applies to "reasonably prudent people"........a reasonably PRUDENT woman is smart enough to PICK a reasonably prudent man to come and share the load. A woman is NOT supposed to pick a man who is NOT suitable material to handle such responsibilities in the first place....if she does....then she is simply not a reasonably prudent woman to begin with...she was just a woman who had some eggs that got fertilized and needed some guy around.
How many men out there actually WANT to pass along their knowledge of life? Their love? Their gifts? How many WANT to be mentors? To be the one that a child looks at and says..."I need help with my homework." How many men would LOVE to have, some time in years, a child who grew up to become a better person...and then be told 'thank you for what you did'?? Do some of you women NOT know the beaming pride that a LOT of men would have about this? The accomplishment??? There are probably MORE than most women realize.
See, the problem is NOT that men don't WANT to be with a woman with kids....they just don't want to be put OUT of the natural pecking order......and even saying "I don't want a father for my kids" literally PUTS the man OUT of the pecking order....Once again...some new age philosophy...that SOUNDS REALLY POETIC, and that some of these new age 'independent' sorts use as a disguised mantra - only throws the natural order out of place...and THAT, I still contend is why there are so many single parents in the world.... | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/7/2006 7:27:28 AM | Piano -
I understand what you're saying. I can tell you that for me, I'm not in a place in my life where I am looking for a long term relationship. When that time comes, I have no issues with sharing the responsibility of my kids, and I should do that. I would in no way tell a future husband (or long term partner) that he has no say in what my kids do.
I think I'm being very fair in having put that in my profile, and I won't be changing it. At this stage in my life, no one needs to think that they are coming into a ready made family, as they aren't. It's all about me right now, and not my kids. (When it comes to dating only, just to make that clear.) When I decided that I want it to become about 'us' and not just 'me' then I will reevaluate what I'm looking for in a partner, and I won't have to have such a disclaimer in my profile - or anywhere else for that matter. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/8/2006 8:44:57 PM | I think most people state this because they don't want a serious realationship , I know I don't and thats why I d have no prob sayin it to any guy infact I have I just want to have a freindship and sometimes that requires saying "your not looking for a daddy for your kids" | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 11:13:38 AM | im going to be honest and say yes i am looking for a daddy for my boys.. but
not in the sense that i expect him to take care of them the way i do and they do have a dad but i feel he isnt of exceptional influence on them therefore the "daddy" im looking for is to provide that role model. A man to teach them the most important things. By watching him, they will learn how to use proper manners, how to think proactively, basic morals and ethics, etc,etc....
but im not handpicking guys with daddy daddy daddy in my mind, that comes much later when my relationship with him solidfied.Thanks to my pickiness and other reasons, I've yet to that point. Yet, my main concern is surrounding myself with positive, good people. When they treat me good, then i know they will treat my kids good and it feels good to reciprocate. Makes life so much easier.
Perhaps there are many others like this?? | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 41 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 4:06:44 PM | | Single moms say they are a package deal. However, if I was considering marrying a single mom and I am denied the complete package, I'd pass. I'm not going to support a wife that denies me the benefits of having a wife and I'm not going to support children and be denied the benefit of being a father. | |
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dannol
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Joined: 9/29/2006
Msg: 42 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 5:24:42 PM | | I think that what scare some men is the fact they don't want to replace the father. I have 4 kids and I know that they will eventually have step fathers but I will always be dad. Some women are out there looking for men just to find a dad. I have no problems being a father figure but most children resnet a new man or woman in thier life. There is no art to dating or raising children. Don't worry the right man will want to be with you and that includes your child/ren because after all they are an extension of you. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 7:36:35 PM | That is great, what I find amusing is that , yes, many men, say they won't date
single moms, please guys don't flatter yourselves !
I have been in the mom/dad role to my children forever, and I have not
had help from a man!
We have done great, and we have a very close bond.
So, it depends on what your definitions, of "daddy" and "father" mean to you.
What are you really afraid of?
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 7:42:06 PM | please guys don't flatter yourselves
What do you mean with that?
I have been in the mom/dad role to my children forever, and I have not had help from a man!
Ok, I believe you. Now, since you are both mom and dad in your family, what would be the role for the guy? Don't you think that perhaps he would feel a bit awkward, you know, by being eager to accept the package deal but never receiving it?
What are you really afraid of?
Why don't you tell us? After all, whatever we answer, you won't believe it anyway. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 7:52:23 PM | You are a cutie.
What I am trying to say to some of the men who think that
single moms are solely looking for a father or someone to take
care of our kids, we are not. We are looking for more, companionship,
for one.
If the guy would like to be a father figure, then I am sure it would
be able to be worked out, with time. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 8:23:41 PM | What I am trying to say to some of the men who think that single moms are solely looking for a father or someone to take care of our kids, we are not. We are looking for more, companionship, for one.
What I am trying to say is that men who date single moms, if they are willing to go to the next level, to start a serious relationship, deserve the consideration of being more than "mom's friend".
Perhaps some of those guys who think "she's looking for a father for her children" are indeed willing to be that father, and it's something they would gladly embrace. But if she shuns him out of that part of the relationship -turning him practically into a visitor in his (assuming they got married) own home, how can she expect he will accept such status?
If the guy would like to be a father figure, then I am sure it would be able to be worked out, with time.
It's not "if", but "when". At least, with those guys who want more than just a roll in the hay. You know, the "good ones" single moms say are too hard to find. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 8:48:55 PM | quote] But if she shuns him out of that part of the relationship -turning him practically into a visitor in his (assuming they got married) own home, how can she expect he will accept such status?
how very true... i personally known many happy relationships, even marriages fail because of this very reason and it usually involves discipline of the children
respect and understanding for everyone involved goes a loooong way! | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 50 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 10:28:06 PM | But if she shuns him out of that part of the relationship -turning him practically into a visitor in his (assuming they got married) own home, how can she expect he will accept such status?
how very true... i personally known many happy relationships, even marriages fail because of this very reason and it usually involves discipline of the children
That makes marriage to a single mom even more risky. I have been reading the posts on this thread. There seem to be no advantages to marrying a single mom. Only disadvantages. That's sad. | |
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