| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 10:40:00 PM | oh but there is indeed an advantage!!!
you not only gain the love of a woman but the love of her children and perhaps one day add to that loving family with a new bundle of joy
it doesnt pay to be so negative | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/9/2006 11:04:41 PM | I wonder how someone can be stupid enough to think they can live with someone 24/7 and NOT expect them to be fully involved on their children´s live. I am not talking dating etc, but when two people commit to each other, hopefully for life. Will the party that is not the child´s biological parent never be able to make desicions? Never be able to fully be there for the child? "uhm, well, I DO love you child, but I can´t tell you what to do or answer your questions, because you don´t have my DNA".
Having responsibility for a child, being able to raise a child does NOT mean that you have to go against the biological parents wishes. It´s perfectly possible for two grown adults to sit down and discuss what they want for the children, to agree to how they are to be raised, even though only one is the biological parent. And for the non-biological parent to help raise the child within the biological parents wishes and guidelines.
A family is a package deal, leaving people out of certain aspects will, I belive, surely lead to a realtionship that does not function as well as it could.
Note on the side; My eldest kids dad has a new fiancee, the kids love her to death. I am very happy that they have a person in their lives who truly care about them, who is willing to help raise them and to be a positive role model in their lives. I would not have wanted their father to become involved with someone who didn´t want a part in their upbringing just because they have not given birth to the children. I do understand that she may not love them as she would her own, but she treats them with respect, she enjoys being with them and most importantly; they love here. I could not have asked for a better person in their lives. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/12/2006 6:05:38 PM | If I was on this site for the sake of a long term search, I would probably not say that but if you are just looking for dating then I can see slipping it in.
My only thing I would add to that statement is that they would need to be accepting of children if by chance we work out to be committed or long term. But during the dating period, I would never expect my significant other to pay for my son, or be responsible any of his well being. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/17/2006 6:13:30 PM | Having said something like that before, I think I can explain what it means, at least from my own perspective.
When I say I'm "not looking for a daddy to my child", I am in no way saying that I don't want to introduce him into my child's life and allow him to develop a bond and relationship with him. In fact I think that it is inevitable in any serious relationship. The fact is, I've seen a lot of guys avoid single moms because they have the mindset that "Oh no, if I get involved with her I'll have to help take care of the kids", which couldn't be further from the truth. I'm an independent woman who pays my own bills and I provide for all my child's needs myself. So I'm not looking for someone to fulfill that kind of role, at least not in the early dating stages. Though I always keep my son's best interest in mind, I certainly don't come on to the site thinking "okay, who on here is father material?". That is in fact only one of several things I'm looking at when looking for a potential mate. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/17/2006 6:48:18 PM |
Though I always keep my son's best interest in mind, I certainly don't come on to the site thinking "okay, who on here is father material?".
Don't you think that perhaps you should?
I mean, perhaps you won't get as many dates, but those few you get, have better potential? | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/21/2006 7:57:22 PM | OMG! After reading this thread I feel overwhelmed. I am a single mom that is new to dating with a child. It never even occured to me that a guy may think I am looking for "daddy". Naive but true.
I just want to find someone for me. Obviously they need to be someone that I will want having around my child but as for becoming a father to my child..... Who knows? I guess it would depend upon the person and it will be a long time before I have to have that conversation.
Any suggestions on how to let a new male in my life know that I didn't size him up as father material nor do I intend to have him replace my sons father? Should I just not bring it up unless he brings up this conversation? | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 57 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/21/2006 9:05:03 PM |
Any suggestions on how to let a new male in my life know that I didn't size him up as father material nor do I intend to have him replace my sons father? Should I just not bring it up unless he brings up this conversation?
Don't use word games to hide the fact that you have a child. It is understood that if you live with a guy that your child will live there too; therefore, whether you call him a step-father or whatever, there will be an adult/child relationship between you man and your child. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/21/2006 9:19:15 PM | Well I am not looking for a "friend" for my son. If I wanted a friend for him then I would go join some play groups. I am looking for a mate that will parent along with me and support me in decisions regarding my son while he is under my roof. I want a mate that will treat my son as his own son/nephew/friend's kids etc. I also am looking for a mate that wants to have 1-2 more children. So I am with you lil.miss.vixen.  | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/22/2006 7:21:26 AM | | I don't think I would use word games to hide the fact I have a child. I was very clear about my son, and everything that entailes. We are a million miles away from even thinking about living together as well. The relationship is so new the tag is still on. I just don't want him to feel pressure that I am looking for Daddy. I just figured if I bring it up it may have him start thinking that is what I am looking for. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/22/2006 8:56:59 AM | Message #7 Broken wings
"i don't need anyone to be a father to my kids. They have one already. I need to someone to be there for me, and that somone has to accept and hopefully come to love my kids. But I don't want them to feel like they have to be 'responsible' for them"
My senitmentents exactly; I tell guys I meet, especaially those who feel I '"EXPECT" them to play daddy to me children....
I had someone tell me that we come as a package deal and accepts the fact that they come first.....and he has also told be that he does not intend to take their dad's place.....but will be there for them if needed......
My children's dad is still in their life and I want it to stay that way and do not want anyone interfereing with that...but if aomeone comes into my life permanently I would want there to be a good connection with my children.....and vice versa..... | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/22/2006 10:29:49 AM | Hmmm... I'm not looking for a daddy, in that not every guy I meet is weighed on some fatherhood potential scale. But... I am looking for a long term relationship, and any guy that's going to be with me for the long haul, is going to be spending more time with my children than their fathers do - especially in the case of my son.
So yeah, a guy who is going to be a long term part of my life? He's gonna have to be a good dad. And no, I don't think that takes away from the children's relationship with their fathers.
I grew up with an EOW dad and a full-time step dad. It was my step dad who coached our teams, hauled my horse around the countryside for competitions and lessons, taught me to ride w/out training wheels, taught me to fly a kite and fish, and find mushrooms in the woods. It was him who taught me to change the oil in a car, change a tire, tinker with engines, and plant a garden.
If my kids are going to have a step-father, then the emphasis is going to be on the 'father' part, not the 'step' part. I won't settle for less than that. | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 62 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/22/2006 11:27:51 AM | Fiesty Winechick, now I think I understand your perspective. It is not something I think you need to be concerned about because, as a practical matter, from a man's viewpoint, the reason you are attracted to him doesn't matter. Men know, and do not mind, that part of their attraction is their ability to provide.
Children can be a handicap to attracting a man inasmuch as many men prefer to marry a woman without children. However, that a woman may seek a man that would be a good father to her child(ren) does not enter into the equation. A man knows that, if you are seeking a long-term relationship, you will view him as a father figure to your child. If you didn't there would be something wrong with you because that would not be natural.
Both having a child and seeking a long-term, rather than a short-term, relationship can be handicaps to attracting certain men; however, if part of the reason you are seeking a long-term relationship is that you are looking for a father of your child, does not enter into a man's thinking and is not an additional handicap. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 10/25/2006 4:15:11 PM |
"i don't need anyone to be a father to my kids. They have one already. I need to someone to be there for me, and that somone has to accept and hopefully come to love my kids. But I don't want them to feel like they have to be 'responsible' for them"
My senitmentents exactly; I tell guys I meet, especaially those who feel I '"EXPECT" them to play daddy to me children....
I had someone tell me that we come as a package deal and accepts the fact that they come first.....and he has also told be that he does not intend to take their dad's place.....but will be there for them if needed......
My children's dad is still in their life and I want it to stay that way and do not want anyone interfereing with that...but if aomeone comes into my life permanently I would want there to be a good connection with my children.....and vice versa.....
Not all men or women can have kids.
A man who will accept and love you kids as his own are the best men.
SO you might be scaring away the best men because they WANT to be a father figure to your kids if it developed into a long term rationship.
My cousin married a lady with 3 kids and they are stilled married for over 25 years .
What is wrong with 2 men being dads. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 11/25/2006 11:23:27 PM | Hello Fiesty Winechick,
I can't resist chiming in with my opinion, so here it goes. It seems to me that it is his reponsibility to make sure that he has all of the information that he needs to make infomed judgements and decisions. Why should you be obligated to try and forsee what judgements he may be inclined to make? If he is prone to make judgements about you based on flimsy evidence then I question the value of the relationship.
Swellfella | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/3/2007 7:22:48 PM | Read my account name whats the first thing that come to your mind?
now you know why its stated in my profile :?)
Actually Its rather simple. I'm not looking for someone SPECIFICALLY to be a mother for my son! In other words i'm making it clear to anyone who looks at my profile that I am looking for a partner NOT my son needsa mother. My son has a mother who sadly is NOT active in his life ( although she's showing interest .. sortof) If i meet the right person whatever relation ship develops between her and my son is THIER business not mine. How can i as a parent say sucjh a thing? Simple. Obviously if it was in any way inappropriate/abuse etc she simply would never have been right for me in the first place :)
If i should happen to meet somone and we feel mutually "right" for each other.. if this person wants nothing at all to do with my son .. tough she will have to wait the 6-10 more years till he moves out :?) If i'm still looking for a partner at that time i would look her up.
i WILL not get rid of my son for ANY reason. Any real parent or any intelligent person would already know that. YES i have issues .. i was a CAS case 2x in my life .. before i was adopted and again when i was 13. But lets not go there ... *wipes foam away*
The very fact people are asking this question has actually shaken me. Needless to say the people who did were blocked imediately.
There are many people in the "pond" who will use thier child to get a mate in order to help take care of thier child. If this is what you need to do to make sure your child has a roof/food etc DO IT! all the power to you. If i had to steal to feed my child i would do it in a second. Peope who are not real parents simply cannot comprehend the lengths a parent will goto to feed/cloth/protect thier child.
On the flip side somone who IS looking for a surrrogate parent for thier child will usually say they are not anyways so saying it is technically pointless. It just makes me feel better. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/3/2007 10:57:13 PM | I think it's a silly thing to say to someone.
It's like saying, "I don't need you, you don't get to have a place in my life"
Anyone with half a shred of dignity would never accept those terms.
I dated a single father before and it was a horrible experience. I will never do it again. Personally I think single parents have to be more realistic about how picky they can be about what they want.
Saying things like that is about some kind of mindless power struggle and trying to get back some control in your life that you think that you've lost.
It's a receipe for being alone. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/4/2007 6:25:35 AM | I'm not looking to be somebody's daddy. If I see too many signs of the "package deal" traits popping up then I'm going to head the other direction. I have 2 kids of my own to raise and that takes enough emotional strain right now. When I see someone is putting a lot of emphasis on being able to interact with her kids then that's not a situation I need to be in.
When dating a single mother, I much prefer dating a woman who "baby's daddy" is very much in the picture. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/4/2007 5:05:32 PM |
I dated a single father before and it was a horrible experience. I will never do it again. Personally I think single parents have to be more realistic about how picky they can be about what they want.
when /if you ever become a parent you will quickly realise that if you have kids YOU HAVE TO BE a lot more picky.
1: Watching a parent go through a succesion of partners is NONcondusive to them getting a stable relationship when they get older.
2: With the number of sicko's out there (not all of them are men either) you have to carefully screen every person you consider for things like irritation levels, ability to control thier temper, how they interact with other people, racism and other forms of unreasonable predjuice.
3: If the person your considering a lifetime with cannot abide your child(ren) then it WILL cause unreasonable strain on your relationship.
4: Any real parent will ALWAYS put thier children first. I have seen out of work parents damn near starve to death (and in one case an uncle who did starve himself to death) to make sure thier kids had enough to eat and a roof over thier heads.
Look at the woman who died in the hold your wee for a wii contest. Granted i doubt she would have participated if she knew the dangers but thats a diff story | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/4/2007 6:45:08 PM |
YOU HAVE TO BE a lot more picky.
Anyone can be picky, but it takes common sense to realize there's a degree to how picky you can be and still be practical.
A CEO of a major corporation isn't going to suddenly swoon over a truck stop waitress with a beer gut and three kids living in a trailer. She can be picky all day long, but how realistic is it for her to say "I want this, I want that" when she can neither get "this" or get "that"
A supermodel isn't going to drop what she's doing to date a gas station attendant who refuses to bathe or trim his nosehairs and has four kids at home after his wife left them all. He can be picky all day long, but it doesn't mean anything if he can't actually get any of the things that he wants.
There's what people want, and then there's what people can probably get. The two are never the same thing. And for some people, what they can realistically get is so far down the ladder that it's probably better for them to stay single.
I see this all the time through my work. Single parents are some of the most selfish people on the planet. They have to give and give and give and give to their children's needs that they wonder "Well what about me?" And many take that attitude and direct it at other people in the world. "Well what about me?" as if someone out there owes them something in life.
You can't ask for something and not have something to give back. That's what many single parents are doing. They are asking for "this" and "that" but they offer nothing in return except more and more unreasonable expectations about how the world "should" be treating them. Single parents are "overly picky" because they feel powerless by their situation and they need a way to cope with the idea that many people just don't want to deal with their situation. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/5/2007 3:33:37 PM | if u become serious at some point u will take some part in the childs dev and play somewhat of a parent role; even if the dad is regularly in the childs life, if they don't live in the same area u will see their kid more than they will..so u have to have some interaction. Otherwise u become a liability.
i think they are just trying to diffuse the idea that most men have that single moms are only looking for a dad and not considering who they like or want.
but facts are facts u will have to play some sort of role as a father one way or another... | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/5/2007 6:44:40 PM | part of this a post on another thread:
I dated a woman a few months back with 3 kids, she was getting child support from 2 men(the bio dad and her ex boyfriend) she went on and on about how hard it is how bad the ex's arew and how they say she just wants money. She said that she was finding ways to prevent the father from seeing his kids and the ex b/f had no right to them. She even gave me her current hasrdship of Christmas coming up and no cash. This was on the 3rd date. She then asks me if I would be willing to support her kids if we got serious and asked how much money I make.
I saw too many red flags and told her that she sounded like a gold digger, she said it was in "the best interests of her children." That she was that way. I have not seen her since. Now let's say a single parent is not so obvious or upfront with this attitude they could lerad someone down a path of paying support for children that are not their's....anyway to get politicians/legal system to look at this issue again? I have no problems paying support for a bio child (I do not have children yet and will wait until I find the right lady) I just think it is wrong when someone can "double dip" and get suport from more than one man for one child. I understand the issue if it is the only mother/father a child has ever known but this allows too many gold-diggers to get teir way and makes it tough on good single parents who want a relationship.
Do you want me to just stand on the sidelines and be a wallet or do you want me to be part of your family? Being part of your family means being a role model to your kids right? | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/5/2007 7:12:48 PM | | I am not looking for another Daddy to my children I am looking for someone that would be a good role model for them. I understand if it came down to the point where they would be introduced it would be a serious relationship I would expect my children to respect him and listen to him but they do have a father that cannot be replaced. Im not looking for a daddy I am looking for positive influence. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:08:34 PM | | im not looking for a guy to be a dad to my daughter. im looking for someone who will be there for me. i can take care of my own child i dont need a guy around for her. my daughter will have a relationship with her father. and no one else is going to be able to fill that rold. so when it comes to finding someone to be with .. im pretty much just looking for an extension of myself. someone to be there for me when im stressed out. i wouldnt want another man parenting my child. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/5/2007 8:13:58 PM | | and just to let the dancing queen know. single parents are not selfish. no PARENT is selfish.. having a child and taking care of it is the most selfless thing you can do. and you get nothing in return from your children as a thank you..and all parents are fine with that. and i dont expect ne thing from any one else. i need special treatment because i take care of my daughter by myself.. but hey you know what. single parents get that treatment any ways from people like your. the rude comments.. and stares of disgust. were only worried about our children.. you guys are the ones worried about us. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:10:38 PM |
im not looking for a guy to be a dad to my daughter. im looking for someone who will be there for me. i can take care of my own child i dont need a guy around for her. my daughter will have a relationship with her father. and no one else is going to be able to fill that rold. so when it comes to finding someone to be with .. im pretty much just looking for an extension of myself. someone to be there for me when im stressed out. i wouldnt want another man parenting my child.
So you want a new guy in your life to date you, but only on your terms, especially when you are "stressed out" And this new guy in your life cannot in any way "parent" your child, this despite the fact that if you ever got serious with a new guy, that at some point, he would clearly have to have some day to day interaction with your daughter, including issues that probably classify as "parenting"
You want someone to do what you want and deal with your issues, but only on your terms? And you want him to do this despite the fact that he has NO ROLE in the lives of your "family" unless it's when he's helping you from being "stressed out"
Sounds selfless all right. Sounds like a plan for sure success.
and just to let the dancing queen know. single parents are not selfish. no PARENT is selfish.. having a child and taking care of it is the most selfless thing you can do. and you get nothing in return from your children as a thank you..and all parents are fine with that. and i dont expect ne thing from any one else. i need special treatment because i take care of my daughter by myself.. but hey you know what. single parents get that treatment any ways from people like your. the rude comments.. and stares of disgust. were only worried about our children.. you guys are the ones worried about us.
How selfless is it to be a 19 year old single mother when your daughters quality of life is directly and completely affected by the fact that you have not secured your education and career yet?
How selfless is it that if you can pay for all your child's expenses, that you will be working so much that you will never see your child often?
How selfless is it if you can't pay for all your child's expenses, that the burden falls onto the average taxpayer or your family or the father's family?
How selfless is it for your daughter to more likely to go to a substandard school because the quality of schools in an area is directly related to socioeconomic status of said areas which most 19 year old single mothers cannot afford?
How selfless is it that your daughter is now statistically more likely to A) become a future single teenage mother herself B) be under or unemployed later in life C) suffer from depression D) not receive a college education and E) be incarcerated later in life?
Yes, selfless.
You know who gets nothing in return? All of the people on this site who are taxpayers and have to subsidize the cost of raising your child because you and the girl's father couldn't find a condom or take a pill.
Of course, "we worry about you" Because having to help pay for your child means fewer police officers on the street, less money for libraries and public works, less money for issues like health care.
Yes, very selfless indeed. | |
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