| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/5/2007 9:23:09 PM | And just how do you^^^^ know you will never end up a single parent? It happens for many more reasons than just a couple of kids that didn't use protection. There is divorce, death, etc.
I am glad you are 100% certain you know how your future is going to turn out. Things don't always go as planned.
Parents of all sorts are doing great things for their children and many single parents are not on the system. Just because you see it day in and day out does NOT mean thats reality for all of us. I wouldn't be so quick to paint all single parents with the same brush!
OT: I once said I'm not looking for a daddy to my kids. They do have one...and he has turned out to be a dead beat. But, I was doing fine and dandy raising them on my own. Then along came my fiancee when I wasn't looking or expecting it. he has chosen to step into the parental role all on his own and I am liking it more than I thought I would.
I think a previous poster nailed when it he said that most women say it as a way to not scare off potential partners. I could definately see that being one of my reasons for previously saying that. | |
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dicool
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Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 77 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/6/2007 4:26:13 AM | | See, I must also agree with footballpenguin.....I am just looking for that at this moment in time...my daughter may not have the prefect father but it is the only one she knows, and at this point in my life I really would just like to date and find someone to fill the void the other 1/2 of the time that I am not with her. She is also still too confused as to why Mommy and Daddy don't live together. Even though I may not be quite ready for a long term commitment at this moment I still look for a partner that doesnt mind eventually becomming a father figue for my daughter...because as we all know ...the kids are part of the package and she is attatched to my hip.....if he grows to love me he will grow to love her as well. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/6/2007 5:39:09 AM | | OK....here's my take on this. I've never been married and am 44. My's daughter's father and I were involved for 2 yrs when I became pregnant with her. He didn't want to accept this role and I wasn't about to have an abortion. Therefore, we parted ways. He has never been part of my daughter's life and apparently made that choice when he decided child support was not in his plan. Noone seems to be able to locate him (and trust me, I've been through the legal system and CSE with this for yrs). Mr dead beat is in hiding! SO......to answer the thread accurately, yes...I will always take my daughter into consideration when seeking a mate!! Yes, he would have to be "father" material for my daughter. It would be selfish of me to say "I want a partner for me, however, my daughter is not yours to raise."..WTF??. First of all....I don't consider her "a package"....she is the most important factor of my life! Whomever I decide to date (which is supposed to be the pre-marital ritual) would have to be able and willing to be my partner in raising my daughter. There are plenty of men who would love this opportunity and I would certainly hope they would value the relationship with her as much as they would ours. I don't need to make a comment like "NOT looking for a daddy for my child". Any intelligent male reading my profile will see that I have a child living with me and would know that he would have to take an active role as "co-parent" in her life. If he can't or won't accept that responsiblity, then move the hell on. I am very comfortable being a single parent, not to say my life wouldn't be complimented by having someone to share that with. Come on guys....if you have any consideration for your children's welfare, you would never try to put a division there when it comes to nurturing them into adulthood. Children who have loving parents KNOW who their parents are and love them...they are sooooo more intelligent then we give them credit for. It would be icing on the cake to have another person willing to help nurture them. Working together is the key...spending quality time as a "family" unit is vital and setting a good example is crutial. I look for all of this when seeking a partner. If you are interested in me and love me, you will have the capability to offer that to my child as well!! Otherwise..you are as big a deadbeat as her natural father! | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/6/2007 5:58:51 AM | I can see where you are coming from LMV...I too believe that if I am with an SO seriously and there is a possibility for us to get married. You'd bet I won't be playing the "adult friend" with them. If that is the case, don't ask me to watch after the kids when you are at work or have to go out. Have your ex do it. If you think I am going to let kids call me by my first name? Wrong. They can call me Mr. if you don't want them calling me another name of affection. And rules? You want me to make sure your kids are doing what? And not doing what? Oh yeah. Why should I not be able to chastise little Tammy for putting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside the light sockets or Jeff from throwing rocks at the neighbor's car? If you don't want a coparent, with or without your ex being there...Find another man I am outty.
I have no problem being a co-parent. That means the child has the blessing of more people to help him/her/them grow. A child can never get enough positive role models and parent figures. I personally have two moms (both of home I respect and admire and take each of their wisdoms into thought). Though I don't know my dad, my uncle was pretty father like in his own quiet way. I have tons and tons of women who consider me their son because of how I was raised. And it wasn't because my mom, aunty, and uncle restricted the other from being a parent to me, but they encouraged it.
Miss Vixen, the man you choose will be blessed because you understand the need for that person in that household to play an important part in that child's life. And it is true, that man or woman that parent lets in, IS going to have to be spoiler and chastiser and to think that is not co-parenting is to be brain dead. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/6/2007 6:23:06 AM | | Women that say they don't want a daddy for their child are wanting the male figure around as support.They can't deal with the child or children alone and with a male around they may think it will help the issue.Why is it women won't date a man that has Sole custody of his own child ? | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/6/2007 6:29:30 AM | | I have often wondered about this myself. While having the understanding that your kids do have a "father/dad" I also would want the man in my life to accept and love my kids as they were his own. Just as I would if he had children. It only makes sense. It just doesn't make sense that one isn't looking for a father for their children. The man in my life would have to be willing to accept this part of my family. We are a package deal. | |
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Beth84
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Joined: 10/13/2006
Msg: 82 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/6/2007 7:26:15 AM | | I think, being a single parent, its scary enough to try to find someone who won't mind the fact that you've got a child and (in my mind) I don't want them to think that I'm only out to find someone to be a father. Sure, if we are compatible and we want a relationship, it'll kind of happen, but you don't want to scare off any potential dates lol | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/6/2007 8:15:20 AM | | Oh I agree with you here. Personally I think that you have to see if you are compatible (sp) as a couple/friends before introducing the children. I feel that the children should not be in the picture unless the relationship takes on a serious note. It's not wise to confuse kids this way. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/7/2007 9:24:12 AM | Off topic :
It seems that sooner or later every thread i look at these days needs this reminder/tip
When you see derogatory posts PLEASE remember people with closed minds always have open mouths and responding to them only encourages them to keep yapping! These people ENJOY pissing others off or they would not deliberatly antagonize others like this. Its hard at times but just ignore thier posts for what they are and move on ... eventually they find another thread where they get a reaction. No reaction = no more posts. Remember when some dic! flames you its because they want you to react. If you react they win (in thier minds). People who are trying to help/get a point across do not attack others for thier posts. Disagree yes outright hostility no.
Ok i'm adding that to my profile lol too many times typing it
Dancing queen your right. There ARE a lot of PEOPLE like that. However you are incorrect in your apparent assumption that most single parents are like that.
Sad that it has been your experience but tough shit! Life goes on. Education is the biggest source of hilarity to me. more then 90% of the "educated" people i have met in my life have little or NO comprehension of what they have learned to parrot back to get the good grades.
As for selfless/selfish .. how selfless is it to give up your entire life to cqare for and raise a child? how selfish is it to assume that people who have recieved state/federal help in the providing of thier childs necessities such as a secure enviroment did not/do not pay taxes? I agree that a young person under the age of 25 generally has not paid thier financial "due" to thier society yet.
I find it rather amusing that a 20 y/o is flaming a 19 y/o over taxes...
Whats even worse is that people who work in the social services industry never see the ones that do NOT fit into thier little stereotypes simply because those ones are not always bugging/haranguing/pestering etc to get "more" from the system. The ones you see that are not like that you don't remember simply because they leave you with no impact. Generally they are embarrased to even need the help and very rarely is it any "fault" of thier own.
Birth control fails. why else have a disclaimer on it? be it a pill/injection/rubber
One of my best friends for yearrs had this happen to her. Some womens bodies syply adjust to the chemical****ails you put in to prevent pregnancy and work around them. She is happily a single mother now as he left and divorced her on the grounds that they "contracted " to have no children when they were married.
So please lets continue the topic and not side trip into personal prejudices
Thanks! | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/7/2007 2:28:41 PM | Any intelligent male reading my profile will see that I have a child living with me and would know that he would have to take an active role as "co-parent" in her life. If he can't or won't accept that responsiblity, then move the hell on.
Just b/c that's what you are seeking doesn't mean that's what everyone else is seeking. Not every single person in the world is in search of their next spouse or live-in bf/gf when they start dating someone. Dating is just that, DATING. Any intelligent male knows when to "move the hell on", they don't need you to tell them.
Any woman dating me knows I'm not looking for them to be in my children's lives. If it happens, it happens naturally, not because it's some sort of prerequisite. I've had a couple women who have to tried to imposed themselves on my "family time". They just couldn't respect the fact that I wasn't ready or just plain didn't want to involve them in my interactions with my children. They eventually got the hint and "moved the hell on". | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/7/2007 4:32:38 PM | First off, dating is tough for anyone. It is only that much harder when you are a single parent. I believe that it is safe to assume that the vast majority of single parents do have a reasonably amicable relationship with the childs other parent and are not looking for a "dad/mom". I hardly think that it is necessary to state that you are not looking to replace the parent that the child already has, no one could or would want to.
Most single parents ARE looking for a partner, I know I am. A partnership that would include all aspects of ones life, including raising a child or children.
How could you not apreciate a persons decision not to date a person who already has a child/children, especially if they do not have any of their own. It is a huge responsibility to take on. You are taking on a family unit, not just one person and you can't do that without taking on the step parent role. It is a package deal. Any man/woman who contacts a single parent does so with the knowledge that in the long term if things go well it is a package deal.
Have a little faith in the opposite sex. | |
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Smjle
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Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 87 | |
| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/9/2007 11:24:39 AM | | TheDancingQueen, Know what? You are kind of smart and logical. I read all three of your posts on this thread and I agree. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/9/2007 1:00:31 PM | | LMAO, first off, nobody really truly wants to be a mother/father to children from previous relationships. it will always be a problem, always. one or the other always gets back with baby mom or baby dad. being in a relationship and not being the childs biological parent will always hold a burden/curse over whom you choose to be with or live with. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/24/2007 8:34:26 PM | | I can honestly say that yes I did post on my profile I'm not looking for a father to my children. They do have a father that is regularly in their life, and I do not want to anyone to assume in the begining stages of dating, that they are responsible to raise my children, or assume the parenting role. Yes, I agree if things were to become serious then that would be their choice to move in and help with parenting, there is no denying that I am a single mother and the children do also come with me. But I am at the same time indepenent and wanted to make it clear that I am not looking for financial support. And I do think it's wrong to say that all single parents are "in the system' that is wrong, I work very hard to raise my children to stay out of "the system". And I really didn't want to sound like I'm looking for a replacement father or financial support, because I'm not. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/24/2007 9:39:10 PM | I hear ya....My kids too are saying they dont want a "new dad" yet....but um, I am not looking for a "new dad", They have one. I am looking for me! NOt them, not my friends, not my mom...but for ME! | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/24/2007 10:16:53 PM | ITA. Before I met the man I am now with, my profile had an entire paragraph dedicated to what you are saying. It stated something along the lines of "People who say they aren't looking for a mama/daddy for their kid(s) kill me. Anyone who is with me, will be with my children and while they do have a daddy the man I am with will need to fill a fatherly ROLE"
I think that a lot of people say in an attempt to not scare potential dates off. As if to say, hey, I know some people have issues dating parents, but look...I don't want you to have anything to do with MY kid! Its b.s.
My man loves my kids as much as he loves me. The love for me just came first. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
LMAO, first off, nobody really truly wants to be a mother/father to children from previous relationships. it will always be a problem, always. one or the other always gets back with baby mom or baby dad. being in a relationship and not being the childs biological parent will always hold a burden/curse over whom you choose to be with or live with.
Gemini...you sound...well, lets just say that your post was borderline offensive.
If thats how YOU think, then so sorry. There are plenty of step parents in the world that would rip ya a new one just for THINKING that their kids are "a curse" or a "burden". Thats just insane. Just because you obviously can't imagine loving a child thats not tied to you by blood, doesn't mean the world agrees. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/25/2007 8:18:35 AM | I've used this phrase before and it was meant to say that I am financially independent and would not be looking for a “sugar daddy”. If you are in a serious relationship there will always be parenting type issues. I have close friends with children, they are friends and I stick my nose into their parenting, that’s what friends do, they give each other advice and help, why would you expect any less from someone you were in a serious relationship with.
So once again I think the not looking for a daddy to my child is just stating that the person is financially stable and want a real relationship, not a leg up. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/25/2007 8:41:24 AM | Good post, quadmom, I think that's what most people want, the love for the adult (mom/dad) to come first. That's how it should be. Also, to my way of thinking, it would be a given that if the new "friend" didn't fit in with the kids, the deal would be off. My preference as a full time single dad, (fulltime = 24/7) is to state my position, but after that keep my kid out of the picture until I see where things are going. There's time enough to sort that out if we get that far, which might or mightnot happen...
as for gemini's sweeping generalization about stepchildren being a curse/burden, omg, that is so off base. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 2/25/2007 10:29:21 AM | You can't separate your family life from a relationship, however.
There are people out there that don't want kids at all - they shouldn't mix it up with someone with kids.
No matter what you say, if you have kids, the new guy (gal) will be part of their lives. They will be an adult in their lives that the children will be expected to listen to, respect, and basically treat as an authority figure. When you're in a relationship, your kid(s) will be looking at the new person as someone that they'll model their behavior off of.
Like it or not, even if you're not looking for a daddy or mommy to your kids, even when the other parent is deeply involved in your kids lives, the new person in your life will have to assume some of that role themselves.
You can say that you're not looking for a daddy/mommy for your kids, but you can't make that a reality. The kids are part of the package.
Given that, you have to look at the people that you date with the eye towards the question "would I let this person raise my children" - if the answer is no, you need to look elsewhere till your children are living on their own.
I have children of my own. Though I'm not looking for someone to raise them for me, I am definitely looking for someone who (if things work out) will be just as much a part of their lives as a part of mine. I can raise my children on my own, I just can't shut them out of my relationships, so I need to be seeking with that in mind. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 3/22/2007 7:19:33 PM |
you have to look at the people that you date with the eye towards the question "would I let this person raise my children" - if the answer is no, you need to look elsewhere till your children are living on their own.
exactly.....i have just read thru all the posts...yes, ALL of them. and i think everyone has a valid point - due to thier situations. now im thinking i should've geared it more towards those truly "single" parents...the ones who don't have thier ex's in thier childs life at all.
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 3/22/2007 7:26:58 PM | | As others have said how would the person you are dating interact with your child if you get married..would they not be a father figure? | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:40:10 PM | "A father figure" Does not necessarily equate to "the father."
If the other parent for the child is in the picture and has an active role or even partial custody in that child's life that parent is the Parental Figure (be it Mom or Dad) As a step parent you are secondary to the Natural parent of your gender who is raising the child, ask any child of step parents who their daddy/mommy is and most of the time they will answer with the natural parent, not the step. Sorry, but that is how it is. Now, if the other parent has a limited role, or no role at all, THEN and only then do you become the "Father" (or mother, whichever the case may be) Yes, step parents are entitled to disciplinary roles and the rewarding roles of child rearing. If the natural co-parent is still around (actively I will add) YOU do not automatically replace them because you are with the primary caregiver to the child.
But yes, as step parent you do deserve SOME decision power. Heck, my partner is equal with me in regards to raising my son. I recognize everyday the value of life he adds to. He is becoming the stay at home parent while I win the bread for our family. Just easier that way as I have the larger earning potential. (Blows some of them stereotypes of looking for financial support out of the water, eh?)
Hum. If you haven't been in the shoes, you have no idea how they pinch your toes. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 3/23/2007 1:30:27 AM |
LMAO, first off, nobody really truly wants to be a mother/father to children from previous relationships. it will always be a problem, always. one or the other always gets back with baby mom or baby dad. being in a relationship and not being the childs biological parent will always hold a burden/curse over whom you choose to be with or live with.
Are you freakin' serious.. is this what you believe??? Take you head out of your a***... many people have quality relationships with others after a separation.... In today's day and age with the rate of divorce I can not name one family that has separated and got back together. So that shoots your "always" to hell. Adoptive parents have a burden???? have you told them yet?
Single parents are a package custody or not you get involved you are involved.... just cause no one wants your kids ( kidding don't jump down my neck).
I think it goes more so to back to the original question.. what are you looking for... IE don't ever ever meet the kids! Short term..same deal... but if you have long term down and not looking for a "daddy" that's fine you won't be very long term... involvement is just that involvement in everyday daddy type duties... So they don't call them dad... ok great.... My stepdad's been around for over 25 years... never called him dad to his face but he is in every sense of the word....
You may not go out looking for something and that's fine... but if it happens drawing a firm line in the sand say" that's not your role" asinine to me and headed for another split....
just my four cents for what it's worth | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 3/23/2007 11:26:05 AM | | It's a tough question for sure.I know I don't want anyone else parenting my children.My ex and I are good friends and are both actively involved with the kids,I see no point of anyone else stepping in.I'm looking for someone for ME.If I were to end up in an LT relationship then of course the guy would becaome friends with my boys,but I wouldn't push him to become an instant parent.You also have to factor in how the kids would feel about having a new,third parental figure. | |
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| not looking for a daddy to my child
Posted: 3/23/2007 11:55:26 PM | THANK YOU meli100, so much!! I've encountered this attitude quite often whether it was from teachers at school (ohhh, the kid comes from a s.p. family..) to people automatically assuming I'm married because I have kids, and it pisses me off! I do the best I can to raise my kids and have made many sacrifices while their deadbeat father is off living carefree yet still get crapped on by society.
When I tell people I'm not looking for a father for my kids, what I am implying is that I want to get to know the person first - basically screen him to see if he's suitable to even be around my kids - and see if it's going anywhere before I even bother introducing my kids to him. If he passed the "screening", then yes, I would expect him to care about my children - we are a packaged deal, accepting and loving them is a part of accepting/loving me. | |
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