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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/29/2006 7:29:42 AM | Beautifully said alivenwell,
(but you've reminded me how badly I was hurt and it's ruined...j/k!)
Seriously, that made total sense. Acquired wisdom...sweet. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/29/2006 8:09:18 AM | In fact, we are our baggage. We are what our pasts have made us, both good and bad.
It is a sometimes a sad thing that new people in our lives are viewed, judged, and treated in accordance with our pasts, and its sometimes a wonderful experience to be viewed, judged and treated in accordance with our pasts.
Our baggage always affects our next relationships - be it good or bad. That's human nature.
Many of us - all of us - profess not to be like the hated ex, and demand that we not be suspect because of how the ex behaved. And then, many of us - maybe even all of us - go on to do something unacceptable....something the 'ex' was famous for - and we might even have been warned/told/shoulder-cried-on about this very thing. But we do it anyway.
And then we are taken aback, shocked, hurt, insulted, when the baggage comes flying out of the closet. And we cry foul.
The old saying comings to mind....fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Your past DOES define your future. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/29/2006 8:26:12 AM | Darn - It is a no win situation. When I read the widowed threads, we aren't dated because we did have a good marriage. Then I read thread like this one, and baggage from a bad marriage is the reason people are undateable. Help
Could it be all this is just another reason not to get out their and try. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/29/2006 8:43:29 AM | Many of us - all of us - profess not to be like the hated ex, and demand that we not be suspect because of how the ex behaved. And then, many of us - maybe even all of us - go on to do something unacceptable....something the 'ex' was famous for - and we might even have been warned/told/shoulder-cried-on about this very thing. But we do it anyway.
Unacceptable by WHOSE and WHAT standards????....
Is it a harmless little thing like the way he/she might say something,the way he/she laughs etc that bothers you because the ex talked and/or laughed that way??...if so that's YOUR problem to reconcile....
If,on the other hand,the problem might be lousy handling of money,can't keep a job,still playing on the net,etc...that's unacceptable by ANY standard,not just because the ex did it...the fact that it reminds you of the ex is,once again,YOUR problem to reconcile...
I think there comes a point in all our lives that we fundamentally are who and what we are and two people will either mesh at that level or they won't....to blame it on someone/something from the past if it doesn't fly only keeps one focused on the past...as
my dad used to always tell me: it's pretty hard to see where you're going when you're always looking back...
I'll believe this till the day I die...there is NO acceptable reason to hold anyone responsible in any way for the sins of another...
(but you've reminded me how badly I was hurt and it's ruined...j/k!)
OPPPPS....Sorry Choirbebe...unintentional...you're a sweetheart...
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/29/2006 12:13:24 PM | @Alivenwell...if something is unacceptable to someone - and I'm not talking about trivial nitpicking unacceptabilities - I mean truly unacceptable - lying, uncontrolled anger, disrespect, etc. - then there is no "by whose and what standards". I find that comment quite interesting though. More and more today, people don't take responsibility for their own actions, but rather blame the other person, by saying something like its the other person's issue, and they should deal with it.
That translates to....I can say or do whatever I want, if you don't like it, that too bad. And that's quite true. And when I don't like it, because of my own personal history, and I take the action I deem necessary to stop it, then I'm begin limited by my baggage. um....
Turn it around. Let's pick lying, for the sake of arguement. If I chose to disregard my own experience and knowledge (my baggage) of this type of behaviour, then I would allow myself to be lied to. I wouldn't hold the person accountable, or walk away from them, because that would be 'judging them' by someone else's behaviour of the past?
No, no. Our experience, our memories, our baggage as it were, is what guides us. It is was shows us those red flags. It is what tells us to run.....or to stay.
In my previous post, I could just have easily ended it on a positive note (I chose not to)....instead of referring to an unacceptable behaviour. Suddenly, someone does something wonderful....and all that baggage comes out of the closet - the joy, the memories, the warm feelings.....
There's a lot of rhetoric in these kinds of posts. Folks in general feel 'baggage' is a bad thing, that it limits our future opportunities, limits our growth. But in the very next breath, those same people tell how they've grown, changed, learned to love themselves, learned what they want or don't want, because of their pasts. They use their pasts as a marker of what they seek, or run from. As they should.
It is our baggage, the good and the bad - that makes us who we are, how we function, how we dream, and how we interact with others.
If we remove the word 'baggage', and replace with a less derogatory and misundertood term -memory, experience, knowledge - these posts wouldn't have the power to ruffle feathers the way they do. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/30/2006 8:49:48 AM | ^^The Lady makes a lof of sense.
Some people take such a hard view of some of the things in their baggage, they will not open the gags to show anything. All you get to see is the stickers that they put on the outside.
The stickers show us where you've been but don't show what you've collected allong the way. | |
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| Baggage, such an authentic thing?
Posted: 7/30/2006 1:13:36 PM | As I recall, one famous therapist said marriage is for mutual healing. One of my benchmarks as to a relationship is, "Do I feel safe being authentic?" If I can generate the space and safety for my partner and I to honestly relate, I can feel possibility. I perform on my job; I want acceptance and togetherness in relationship – warts and all.
Perhaps I am misguided to desire walking down the path of life holding hands and dealing with the challenges and opportunities that generate the space and freedom to cherish each other.
It is the relationship (marriage) that I want; I want to 'come home' to someone and to be there for her to come home to me. Baggage is a good thing – if dealt with. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/30/2006 4:40:29 PM | I thinks it's laughable for someone to say that they have "no baggage." What a crock.
When I see that comment I think the person is:
1. Experiencing serious self-delusion.
2. Without sin (hah!).
3. In serious denial.
4. About to die (in which case it doesn't matter).
The very act of living creates baggage. No one can avoid being hurt or saying/doing things that may hurt someone else. There's nothing good or bad about this; it's just the way things are.
MN | |
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dar50
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Joined: 5/26/2006
Msg: 61 | |
| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/30/2006 8:31:01 PM | I don't like the 'term' baggage...I like to refer to it as 'learning curve'...and boy...does my life's roadway ever have a lot of bends.... | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/31/2006 4:19:24 AM | Baggage!!....you know, you can try to define and sub define it, debate whether something is or isn't "baggage" or whether "baggage" is good, bad, inevitable or whatever...
In the end it still comes down to this: if something from one's past is negatively affecting his/her life today, it's at least an issue, it's often a problem, and it's never something an innocent bystander should ever have to bear the brunt of, no matter what you want to call it...and all the whys and wherefores in the universe don't change that! | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 7/31/2006 4:49:02 AM | | Nice to see you again alivenwell and you are right, no one should ever have to pay for the mistakes of anyone else, but then again they certainly may benefit from the life experiences of their partner. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:54:23 PM | YES. THERE IS SUCH THING AS BAGGAGE IF ONE WISHES TO CARRY IT AROUND ,BUT TO LEAVE IT BEHIND TAKES EXPERIENCE. ACCEPTANCE AND WISDOM .... (FORGIVE THOSE AND YOURSELF AND MOVE ON ) | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:15:43 PM | Baggage - Friends First - Shallow .............
All three of those make me wanna barf.
Baggage smaggage - the two people come first - everything else needs to be forgotten when it comes to “hurt” - abuse - what ever. That was THEN - this is NOW. Everything that has to do with kids are handled properly/with proper consideration - everything to do with - houses - bank accounts - location - are just part of the person and can be taken care of/decided.
Anyone that places baggage/location/money before the person can ........................ keep fishing (I first put bite me).
Friends First - NO WAY LADY - gf/bf first then friend (nope I am not talking about sex). If there is a REAL two way match - I don’t want to be your friend first - I want to be your guy (your man) first then your friend - your best friend. Just why in hell would I want to be tossed in your friends stack - just like 50 other guys ?????? - you want a friend - call your girl friend. I am different than your girl friend - you want me to prove it to you?
Shallow ................... STFU - or at least stop using the word wrong. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 7:15:54 AM | I agree that we are a culmination of life experiences. I had fear of desertion issues since I was a child and taken from my family. 2and a half yrs. ago, my husband fell over dead of a heart attack. Those desertion issues will be with me for the rest of my life. That's a fact. To what degree I want them to control me is up to me, tho. Even if I do find someone and fall in love and remarry, there is a 50% chance of being widowed again, one of us is going to be left behind.....
ron9, I've heard many people express this opinion of NOT being friends first. This is the one area I find strange about 'dating'. How you can be a bf or gf when you don't even KNOW each other? I don't quite understand how you can hold hands, kiss, or have any of the physical affections without feeling them in their heart. By starting off in 'romance' it's as tho you've missed a major part of beginning together. How can you feel such levels of affection when you don't even KNOW each other? | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 9:13:43 AM | "Baggage" is a term thought up by people who don't give a d---about other peoples life experiences. They try to make it sound as derogatory as they can so they just don't have to be bothered. They'd prefer it if people who had rough lives or bad experiences just sat in a corner somewhere with no one to give a hoot.
I don't think there's anyone who's led a perfect, fairy tale life, and has never had a rough experience that has affected their life or how they are. If they claim that, they are in denial, and THAT is twice as bad.
I agree that no one should pay for someone elses mistakes.
But it's not always like that with all people who have bad experiences in life.
Some people who have been badly hurt in the past have a right to feel a little shakey and leery.
But it doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't good people or don't have a lot of love to give. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 4:45:18 PM | Baggage.. What an intrigueing term for Life experiences. I prefer to use it in the context that most on this planet see it as.. LUGGAGE for a trip. lol
In my 42 years, I've seen some pretty rough times. I"ve had many wonderful times also.. Do either experiences unbalance me to where I would consider myself having " Baggage" NAWW, WE live, we love, we learn, we grow, we move on people..Lifes to short to live in the past, when there's so much to look forward to in the future. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 5:20:42 PM | Is there no baggage? Possible, depends on how much time one has spent in a therapist's office. That is a great place to unload those bags. Might be , if one has spent an adaquet amount of time there, one can dance out baggage free!
One of the things I have learned is to not judge another by my experiences. Every experience is unique to everyone. They will experience it in their own individual way and draw their own understanding from it. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 5:44:00 PM | | Thanks for bringing this up. This is my first post as I was just cleared a few minutes ago. First I want to acknowledge the accumulated baggage/wisdom I have read. My take on this- is that some/mabe many, try to get back into realationship far too soon. It takes TIME TO HEAL. Friends /family/therapists are far more willing to hear the "STORY", at least for awhile. It took me 3 years, truth is more like 5, to feel ready to try again. I got pretty attached to my many woes, and I'm a slow learner. Now, a person's baggage is interesting, and I know far more about them when they feel safe enough to tell, " THEIR STORY", and I'm far more willing to hear it. When checking out profiles if I see the words "separated/ baggage / must/ should", I move on, as I feel (don't know) they have not taken the time to heal and feel better about their situation. So as far as baggage is concerned, once the healing has taken place, it is part of their past, and I'm more than willing to hear the " GOOD, BAD AND UGLY" as I have a belief that our memories is what life is all about. AND nothing is written in stone,.......... thanks for this. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 5:46:08 PM | Louise52 - I am pretty much the only person that ......... runs around trying to totally ignore the “friends first” yadda yadda that I see ALL OVER singles sites - gag - puke.
Rather than bore all the regulars again - the short verison is - to parts.
1. A respectful adult male don’t need to be told “keep your stinking hand off of me - until I SAY otherwise” - we already know that. It is an insult to shove that in his face. The pusher of the friends first (in this use) wants the guy to respect her - but is saying she don’t respect him.
2. The two people know right off the bat if there is a boy/girl relationship potential - no one has to “get to know” much of anything - that happens later.
I have a pretty darn good track record on relationships - they have all been known to both parties within about 5 to 60 minutes. And in all cases the friendship was there from the start and just got stronger. My last “relationship” has been going 20 years - the first 17 was being married - the last three not married anymore - are well still friends? - yes (sure I could ring her neck once in awhile). We knew within 5 minutes of the first time we met in person.
She had ***baggage*** - one just turned 5 and the other one was 7 - now they are 25 and 27 yo old ........... baggage.
That is my point - if the two people want to be together - the so called baggage is part of the deal. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 5:56:59 PM | | Oldsock - I think a lot like you do. I talk from my experience - some try to imply it is my baggage showing. I just bet - I am as fixed (healed) as they are. To try to totally close the curtain on our past - is almost like running around it denial. It borderlines trying to convince one's self. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 6:06:20 PM | Of course every person has baggage. Its called life experiences, we have all had some sort of relationships from our parents, friends, teachers coworkers, children and finally those S/O most of us have had. Heavens if there is someone without some form of baggage I would say in all likely hood that their social skills are non exist ant.
So baggage exists its how people handle the baggage that is important. Do they store it in the closet keep it around to judges all others by.
Some people have what I call the grudge gene ( LOL one of my Bags had someone very much into the grudge gene and living as a victim.)
The grudge gene people will always and forever dwell on a single bad incident in their life, never, ever, to forgive, never, ever to forget. I would say these people have baggage that is wide open and left on the dinner table.
I would suggest the line "no baggage please" could be stated in a more politically correct form.
JUDGE ME FOR WHO I AM, NOT WHO YOU'VE KNOWN.
Practice that line and whole idea of "baggage" will disappear.
Remember> "We never choose to be victimized , but we do chose to live as a victim."
"Oregonbear"
I could use that quote in nearly every post I make.
O bear | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 8/9/2006 9:24:32 PM | If people want to continue celebrating baggage, have at it.
Myself, I celebrate being baggage free.
Now, why isn't there a happy dance icon? | |
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