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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:10:45 AM | | There is no such thing as "no baggage". Everyone who has lived any kind of life has baggage of some kind. They make us who we are and define us a a person. The important thing is learning from the experiences and taking the lesson with us through life and NOT dwelling on them. Doing our best not to repeat the mistake and to make sure that we keep ourselves open to new experiences and challenges. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 10:01:11 AM | Spot on SunnyKatt -
Anyone, and I mean anyone, that professes to having no baggage is fooling themselves. You have not really lived if you are without 'baggage'. First of all its how we handle our baggage that matters most - have we learned how to deal with past experiences and become better people for it; or have we remained static, doomed to repeat the past?
Beside, who is going to admit readily that they have unhandled baggage?! Or upon reading that, will say to themselves 'whoops better not write this person, look right there, they dont want anyone with baggage' yeah right as if thats ever stopped anyone. For the most part it is just a filler word, like must; 'look good in jeans or a little black dress' or the most over used phase on Dating Sites...' long walks on the beach' - ick | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 10:19:48 AM |
First of all its how we handle our baggage that matters most - have we learned how to deal with past experiences and become better people for it; or have we remained static, doomed to repeat the past?
Nice reference to Jorge Santayana there, "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it, and therein lies the crux of the matter. Having baggage is not the problem, the problem is, as abitmore wrote, how have we handled our baggage. Is the contents strewn all over the room or did we wash, clean and iron it and place it neatly back into our luggage? Did we learn from our mistakes and are we better for having made them. Are we like Earl, trying to amass more karma? Or do we keep butting our heads against the wall and wonder why we still have headaches? It is not insane to have baggage but it is insane to have the same mistakes packed in each suitcase. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:40:33 AM | | baggage can be put down to rest, although often not w/o a struggle. choice is involved with letting go of baggage. burdens are inflicted or inherited or perhaps "indirectly" chosen along the way, but not easily released. sometimes i get caught into holding onto something and i need a jarring to get me to release the baggage and then make sure not to replace it with something similar. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:55:14 AM | Baggage is only baggage if you allow it. Different people see it as kids x's.. bad experiences..
As for me I'm divorced no kids no baggage...
And wont put up with anyone elses. baggage. ....rather be honest from the start | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 1:19:46 PM | What is a baggage?
In my opinion...it is something negative about us.
Very bad experiences(some kind of our dark side of life)...money...we have to give somebody...etc...
Our children are our blessings and joy!!! | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:11:36 PM | | only baggage. you should worry about is,,,childhood baggage,,,if they have had a bad childhood,,,run run run,,,that kind of baggage dont ever get healed,,,and their probs will,,,eventialy ,,becom you probs,,ya ever noticed,,drinkers go with drinkers..junkies with junkies,damaged folk go with damaged folk,,tacid addmission,,that no happy person would have them,,,i know i wouldnt | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:17:34 PM | | old psychciatrist said what you feel at 14,,is what you feel at 40,,,true,,,hapychild hood is the key to future happyness,,,be of no doubt about that,,so if ya get a sob story bout ther chilhood,run,,,,, | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:28:46 PM |
only baggage. you should worry about is,,,childhood baggage,,,if they have had a bad childhood,,,run run run,,,that kind of baggage dont ever get healed,,,and their probs will,,,eventialy ,,becom you probs,,ya ever noticed,,drinkers go with drinkers..junkies with junkies,damaged folk go with damaged folk,,tacid addmission,,that no happy person would have them,,,i know i wouldnt
That is a sad statement,, so what your saying then, any child with a dysfunctional childhood is doomed for life,, I would say then,, those who make such statements,, have more issues, than men and woman who had a tough child hood,, The ability to have a open mind, empathy would be at a loss, the concept of love is a void as death its self.. If I read your profile right,, you are divorced, I know nothing about that, but then again that tells me something...  | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:45:52 PM | | I man I used to date called my children baggage once. I set him straight really quickly since the word "baggage" has such negative connotations. My FAMILY is NOT baggage--they are my heart and soul. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:50:07 PM | | Are you still smiling?..despite! That's what counts for me. I think we all have baggage. Whether it's from our childhood, young adult life or our recent past. It's not something to be embarassed about or something we have to hide. It has probably helped to mold us into the great people we are now. You live through it, you deal with it and then you put your best foot forward and carry on. I really don't like the singling out of childhood baggage, just doesn't seem right. It's pretty hard not to come across baggage when you are getting to know someone if you and they are being honest. If you have any intention of starting something worthwhile with the person then it's only fair on both sides. It's your attitude that matters. Have you come out of whatever it was a better, smarter person? | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:53:29 PM |
That is a sad statement,, so what your saying then, any child with a dysfunctional childhood is doomed for life,, I would say then,, those who make such statements,, have more issues, than men and woman who had a tough child hood,, The ability to have a open mind, empathy would be at a loss, the concept of love is a void as death its self.. If I read your profile right,, you are divorced, I know nothing about that, but then again that tells me something..
I agree!
If everyone from a dysfunctional family stayed single, the world would be under-populated!!
Even those who think they didn't have a dysfunctional family probably did if you look at the skeletons in their closets! JMO | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 7:56:03 PM |
That is a sad statement,, so what your saying then, any child with a dysfunctional childhood is doomed for life,, I would say then,, those who make such statements,, have more issues, than men and woman who had a tough child hood,,
It was my experience, when I was a child protective services specialist, that virtually all parents who abuse children were themselves abused. That doesn't mean that some children break the chains that cause others to follow in their parents' footsteps, but it is very difficult and requires much therapy. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:00:20 PM | ^^^ There are all forms of abuse, and not all get to child protective services. By dysfunctional, it could be verbal abuse, or not even nuturing a child the way a parent is suppose to.
I agree that it does take a lot of therapy to break the cycle, but it can be done. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:27:02 PM | word1948
It was my experience, when I was a child protective services specialist, that virtually all parents who abuse children were themselves abused. That doesn't mean that some children break the chains that cause others to follow in their parents' footsteps, but it is very difficult and requires much therapy.
The statement above may be true, However,, we all need therapy in one way or another, I have heard it said, that therapist [Some] entered their field because they themselves were abused in one from or another,, Now that said,, our schools are better than they ever were in the past, there are more opportunities for both boy and girls, men and woman to get help,, collage is now achievable. This really is the wrong place for this topic, I think,, yet, it is about baggage, Now I don't mean to single out any culture or race,, But look at the Jews who have been abused, that is a whole culture, Look where they have come,, and over came,, those atrocities,,
Then look at black African Americans,, it's wonderful what they have achieved over the years with such discrimination,
My point, abuse at a early age is not just caused by the family environment, it social as well..
With, guidance, education determination and a will everyone has a chance in this life,, and should not be judged by their background, nor by their parents or social mistakes.
It's unfortunate, that one person on this forum, suggested, a child with childhood issues were not worth having a relationship with..
I have seen success time and time again,, just through my life experiences with others,, | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:40:18 PM | I relate to someone as they are now today at 50, at 55, at 60, not by abuse they may have experienced 30 to 50 years ago......... As children, they had no choices of what they experienced. As adults, decades later, their choice of how they live their life today is what matters to me.
As for baggage, I could meet a guy, fall in love, and a year from now he or I could have a stroke or find out that one of us had cancer.................. Part of the strength of love and a good relationship is the ability to weather situations like that. That doesn't mean that people should go around like Don Quixote (I'm not sure if I spelled that right) and try to "fix" people or situations.......
My first love was a guy who thrived on chaos. He was addicted to adrenalin rushes from years of playing sports and two tours in Viet Nam. Adrenalin rushes were his motivations.......... it worked for him but not for me.
My second love was a calm, responsible, happy person who thrived on peace and order and, although it felt weird at first to me, I quickly learned to love and enjoy it.
What's baggage to some might be wonderful to someone else. It all comes down to knowing yourself and what's right or wrong for you. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:17:10 PM | as a fost/adopt mom i have to say that very few social workers i came across had any "clue" about what happened to their caseloads afterwards and why. most of the times, the system just perpetuates what could have been turned around. as to the good ones, they walked their talk and adopted kids themselves or they got so overwhelmed with insufficient resources that they either became braindead or they got OUT. some went to "easier" departments. the entire child abuse industry is just that --an industry perpetuated for numerous middle class jobs that follow the kids from the welfare industry bureacracy to the incarceration industry bureacracy!
ok , now that i've got that off my chest: most of the adult population nowadays has had some degree of abuse. sexual abuse stats are way way high--for men and for women. for some, therapy helps but moreso for others it's the daily people in their daily post trauma lives, who "consistently" picked up the ball and gave light to their dark histories as they continued to bounce.
there is new brain research to dispell many of the myths that the child's persona is formed in the first two years of life. in fact, the most serious cases are the neglected ones who just sat there in their diapers w/o any attention whatsoever--even negative attention would have been better to stimulate those neurons! kids undergoing active post trauma shut down their brains for fight or flight and prepare for war. the dissociative state was originally for the hunted animal to turn off their pain centers as they were about to be eaten by the larger "dinasaurs". but the brain can reactivate later. kids are very resilient. much spec scan and mri research is being conducted and you would be amazed at what can be done to turn an abused child around.
i tell my kids you have two major ways to go: you can become what was done to you or you can make sure it's not done to anyone else. i got my little one soon enough at age 10. my eldest has been through hell,but for years now everyone calls to see how she is doing because despite it all, she is such a bright spirit. my boy is "finally" working on it--the most neglected of the siblings, but yet while less than 5 feet tall at age 13 due to delayed puberty and almost dead when found, he rescued animals and helped handicapped children. he is now 6'1"! his ad/hd and post trauma and sudden delayed hormonal surges got him into a "heap a trouble"--but we all see that he is turning around. of course with a lot of "tough love" now that he's grown. interestingly, he's very aware of it. he keeps coming back for more.
baggage, you betcha! burdens you betcha! but two are carrying on long term evolving relationships with members of the opposite sex, with one doing way better than i am at the moment! i doubt we will see her on pof in the very near future! i think the real issue is how much shame and denial you get to carry around.
find someone who is willing to work these issues or has worked these issues and they actually could become very good partners. but alas, many will not work these issues and perhaps these are the ones you are referring to as "hopeless". fear, maybe . all i can say is that my major goal in parental rearing, through the remaining teen years of my three munchkin's short little lives,was to introduce them to the many successful people who in their childhoods were also abused: doctors, attorneys, teachers, macho construction workers, homemakers, et al. many were sexually abused and all shared their stories with my kids. that is why they have hope. because they know that none of it was "their fault". they also know that sh--happens.
so, i guess i'd rather be with those who have dealt with their lives openly, than those who are in denial, riddled with shame and sitting on their pitty pot or lashing out at others. that to me, is the key. not the childhood, but the willingness to do the work involved to deal with it. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/18/2008 11:43:18 PM | Pretty much you all have topped this topic off with many many great views.
I agree with mostly all of them (as baggage)
People who are concerned with baggage for me would throw up a red flag, a
major stopper. That would tell me what kind of attitude they lived by on a
daily basis.
I see each person as a new person... I see each day as a new day.
Bringing the past into the future is an attitude for some people that they just
cannot get over things, or deal with things. People I would not care to be
around, not even as friends. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/19/2008 3:08:32 AM | | perhaps it is only baggage if you have an issue that is onresolved. There are different ways of dealing with the issues we cross during our lives. If we carry the problem about each weeek, talking about the isue it is baggae. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/19/2008 4:18:12 AM | Baggage can mean different things to different people. People who are jaded and have negative attitudes have emotional baggage. They always think someone is out to get them.
People who fear commitment. People with addictions. People who are fanatics about things.
People with a lot of debt. People who can't keep a job.
Kids are considered baggage by some because they take up resources of time, emotion, and money.
People with psycho exs or relatives.
So lots of types of baggage. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/19/2008 5:35:43 AM | 'baggage' its such a negative word isn't it. I prefer to think that we all have a previous life and even the negative aspects of that previous life are a learning curve not something you should use to beat every subsequent partner with.
Its easy really if you cant leave the bitterness of your past behind you, or at least learn from it and move on, then don't go headlong into another relationship to make that person miserable with your 'issues' its not fair.
Get over yourself before you go looking for love again. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/19/2008 6:17:19 AM | My definition of baggage in regards to relationships - Unhealed emotional wounds any produced by unresolved negative events and occurrences that adversely affect ones' ability to participate in a healthy normal interpersonal relationship, especially with members of the opposite sex.
That said, then healed emotional wounds caused by the same events and occurrences, that have been properly mentally processed and caused us to grow and not wallow in the past, that made us a better person, that we didn't allow to occur or affect us more than once are not baggage.
Here are some things that I believe constitute baggage: Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, sexual abuse and rape, other types of abuse on children (medical, neglect, physical), unresolved and untreated domestic violence, substance abuse and other addictions, criminal activity that has not been brought to justice. There are a lot more but these are some that come immediately to mind.
I'd be interested to hear what others think of my definition. | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/20/2008 4:29:05 PM | "What it boils down to, in my case, is I don't want to be punished for someone else's sins. I'm tired of reading rants about who dun 'em wrong, who cleaned em out, yada yada yada. I've been on dates where all I heard was rant, rant, rant. Even when I posted in one of my profiles that I didn't want to hear any of that, one fellow even said to me "I have to rant for a couple of minutes". I get to hear the whole sordid story at the FIRST meeting. Many people are constantly looking over their shoulders waiting for the axe to fall on their necks. Those of us who have come to terms with our past and moved on are bored to death by this constant ranting and pi$$-poor attitude."
Amen sister...cry me a Bleepin river | |
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| No baggage, is there any such thing?
Posted: 3/20/2008 7:33:40 PM | Given the fact that your on a site like this, and you are over 30, and ( GOD forbid) divorced, the odds are in favor of you having SOME sort of baggage! I can't imagine, nor have I met, anyone that doesn't have something lurking in the shadows. The real question is, are you willing to deal with the crap the other person brings to the table, and are they willing to deal with yours? Everyone has issues to some degree. Mine may seem major league to one person, and yours insignificant. To someone else, things could be reversed. Take it with a grain of salt, and realize it only means " NO WHINNERS " | |
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