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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 4/19/2006 8:08:52 AM | | Hey everyone....just checking in...my beautiful baby is now 6 mnths old. No one from my husbands family has ever even asked about him. My youngest daughter is in counseling and has told the counselor things that when raised in court will hopefully keep him from getting them again. My date for my divorce hearing is June 9 at 10:00. Hopefully things will work out and we can get on with our lives, and I will be able to keep my kids safe from him and his girlfriend. Some of the things my daughter has told the counselor, I had not heard before. The counselor says that my daughter feels safe now that she has not seen him in a year. That is why some of this is coming out now. So, please keep praying for us, and thanks for all the good wishes you have sent. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 4/19/2006 8:26:35 AM | | girl i know exactally what ur going though when i was 3 months preg my daughters dad hit me and no this wasnt the first time..... i was dumb enough to stick around till after my daughter was born and then he was still bringing other girls to his house when i was there ...( u know how much he wanted his "family and all)it wasnt till my daugther was 6 weeks old and the girls where still comming i relized he was a dirt he wasnt going to change and staying with him 4 your children or whatever is worse sometimes i mean what if u have a lil girl and she gets the idea its okay for daddy to be with other women and then she thinsk its okay and it could be her there i know what ur going though but trust me ur better off without his drama, right now he is showing pure disrespect for you and your unborn baby and niether of u deserve that aswell as you older children, theres a good man out there somewhere who will show u the respect u deserve and no not all marriges work theres alot of dogs out here lol. if he cant respect your vows niether shoudl u move on and dont bother stressin its not good 4 u or that baby!worry about yourself and the baby i know its hard but its not gona get better with him... my nana use to tell me u can kiss a frog 1000 times it aint going to become a prince | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 4/19/2006 8:42:21 AM | hey how are you feeling now? i was pregnant and alone with my both of my children! my sons dad left me before i even got a change to find out that i was pregnant and it was probably the hardest thing i ever had to do, but i did it and now i feel so strong that i have a 6 year old boy and i am only 23 and i did all by myself! | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 4/19/2006 8:47:30 AM | Sunshine...I am so glad that you came back and updated us!!! Sounds like things are heading in the right direction for you!!!! Best of luck to you and your family!!
JJ
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 4/19/2006 9:00:26 AM | | In GENERAL you just can't assume any relationship will last, not even if you are married. My view on my kids is that I am the one who made the ultimate decision to have them, as I was the one who would/would not have the abortion. No one could force me to go either way. My exhusband would have liked to, but I refused to kill my child. Already knew I wanted a divorce, but I only wanted to get rid of him, not the kid. SO, any woman that has a child should be prepared to do it on their own, just in case. If you truly don't believe you could handle worse case scenario (come on parents, don't we write Wills for the same reason? You just never know.) you may want to rethink being a parent. In a perfect world, or maybe even 50 years ago, I would never say this. Problem is, that is the way things are going these days. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 4/19/2006 9:08:07 AM | Have peace in knowing you did all there is to do, and that it was not you that failed, it was him. Some people are just that type, the cheating type. What HE did has no reflection on you. Let him take the full blame for what he has done.
I have been married for 10-years. 6-years ago he cheated, then lied about it. I told him we could work thru anything,,,if he would just be honest. It never happened. Our relationship died. I stayed for his kids, and my mom whom at the time was in her last years of her life (died recently)
Here we are today and he has come clean (in half truths) and we are talking, yet I still don't believe him and I still catch him in lies. For me, it's truly over, it's just a matter of getting my financial affairs in order and moving. He is an idiot for holding onto hope that is not there.
At first, I was devastated and crushed just like you. I felt like I had ice running thru my veins, just a weird feeling. It took some time, but I turned from that to numb, and then wondered "what does it say about me that my husband wandered..." - what I couldn't figure out was we were very active in the bedroom, I never said no, and he still wandered. One day a friend put it into perspective for me and said "it says nothing at all about you, some people are just that way".
You need to begin to put all of your focus on your children. They are a safe place to put all your love and affection. They need you right now more then ever. They lost a parent and this is hard for them that you are hurting too. Enroll them into a activity class and keep yourself busy, so that your not moping around at home depressed. Get busy is the key - you will feel much better and you will come thru this stronger.
I hope this helps - *hugs* | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 5/31/2006 7:25:40 PM | sunshine....good on you girl, despite all the obstacles and insulting posts, you have come
through it and i for one, am so glad for you...got de tears in de eyes, even...!
no matter your beliefs or religion, YOU and YOUR KIDS have come through this with
amazing fortitude....i wish you all the very best......way to go! | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 5/31/2006 8:00:01 PM | | Oh sweetheart I feel your pain. I've been there. You will get through. What you have to think about is the little joys that you already have. It's hard bringing a new life into the world when you feel alone, but you're not..there are a lot of us out here. My advice is go see someone you can talk to about the hurt you're feeling, a friend or a professional. Keep in mind that the little person inside of you feels everything that you do...so you need to work through things, not only for yourself but for your children. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 5/31/2006 10:22:04 PM | sunshine: I think you've already begun to realize the important thing here...that's your kids...it's not always a given...I have an aunt who used her kids against their dad and just when he was lowest, she talked her kids into letting her new husband adopt them. He was no picnic, himself, but he didn't deserve what she did to him.
Most people, however, particularly women as they are generally the nurturers, realize the importance of properly raising children even if they don't know how. You have the advantage of having a little practice so nothing is really new to you.
No matter what happens, you will always find the strength to do what is necessary for your children's sake if nothing else.
I left my daughter's father before I knew I was pregnant. We were not married, and I was using birth control (doctor neglected to mention that antibiotics can negate the effects, and I was prone to lung infections).
By the time I knew for sure I was pregnant, I called to tell him and his sister, who always hated me, threatened me....I told her to tell him if she chose, but it was good riddance as far as I was concerned....he was drug and alcohol addicted (something I wasn't aware of the extent of until just before I left) and I later found out he was involved in organized crime.
I don't have much of a supportive family to help...my family who are now supportive were small children at the time, so I was literally on my own...there were no internet communities like this one for support, and counselling was not covered under health care.
It wasn't easy, but by focusing on the raising of my child, I managed to muddle through. I even managed to get a great paying if terribly boring job which has comfortably paid for our keep for the last 11 years.
Sometimes it was lonely...it's difficult to meet someone when you have a singular focus as I did, but when I see the end result, it was more than worth it. I am proud mother to a beautiful 17 year old girl who has grown up with self confidence, a good ethical structure, and uncommon courtesy and consideration. She has an awesome work ethic, working 2 part time jobs and doing her school work...definitely NOT her father's daughter.
She has asked about her father periodically over the years...she knows I don't hate him but she also knows I never loved him. She knows about his drug and alcohol problems, and about the criminal element. He's a pathetic soul, actually...he wasn't a bad person, just one prone to peer pressure and addictive substances. She knows this now. She knows she has a sister, and quite honestly she's more interested in knowing her sister who would be 21 now, than her father.
Now, she's almost "done"...she will be embarking on a college education within the next 2 years, and will be off on her own soon enough. Knowing what i do now, I'd do it all over again. She and I are both stronger for our troubles and sacrifices.
For you sunshine, the journey is just beginning. It's not easy, and sometimes you want to give up, and sometimes you wonder if the decisions you make are the right ones...but trust your gut..it won't steer you wrong. In the long run, you can look at your kids with pride...you can feel sad for them for what they are missing, but in a lot of ways, you and your family can fill the missing gaps in their lives. It's those who abandoned them who will come to them one day wanting to be a part of their lives...and your kids will likely politely say thanks but no thanks.
If you're very lucky, you may find someone to share your life who will love you and your kids as you all should be loved. You can't count on this, but it would be wonderful to happen. Don't settle for anything less than what you want. Your kids will love whoever you love as long as you don't settle for less than the best.
Good luck with things, and congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 5/31/2006 11:25:18 PM | | Put back your faith in yourself and in God to help you. If you decide to keep that baby, it will be the greatest joy in your life in your later years. Because you suffered to keep him or her, the baby. My mom suffered on her 5th child, My dad was a player and she told him to get out, she couldn't stand it anymore. My brother is a cop. She decided to keep it, the baby. And he almost died in his delivery. He was a miracle baby to my mom. I suffered too with my 2nd child, my son. And now my son is a MTS officer, does all the things a cop does too. I decided to keep him too. He also had a dificult delivery. Both of my kids are miracles too me. They were worth all the pain and suffering I went through with their dad. I thank God for my kids who gave me a reason to fight for a good life for us. You can too. | |
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maenad
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Joined: 6/8/2006
Msg: 186 | |
| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 6/16/2006 3:00:38 PM | | I was in a similar situation when my son was a year old, its a pretty scary place to be. You wonder about parenting, finances, the baby, etc. How your going to make it. I wrapped my life around my kids and just thought that somehow things would work out. Every day you make it through, is another day that you have made it. One day you'll look up and think you know, I feel fine, things are set financially, Im independent, my kids are fine, I should not have worried so much. I know its an overdone expression, but really, things will work out, its just a matter of getting there, taking one day at a time. I didnt think i could make it either, I was terrified. I relied on my family alot as well. And when my daughter was born I made it a point to be the one to cut the cord, I am mother and father, and took pride in the fact that I will be the one who are ALWAYS there for these kids. I dont know what else to tell you, except hang in there. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 6/18/2006 3:25:20 PM | | Thanks to all for the words of support. Latest news, went to court June 9. Got nowhere. Court agreed to his lawyers plea to resign as his attorney, so J said he wanted to hire another lawyer. So, they continued until Sept 9. He didn't even mention the kids, nothing was done about child support, or anything else. He is in the next room talking about how he does not need someone to tell him who he can be with.....gag me. Any way, now to hang on till Sept. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 6/18/2006 6:22:03 PM | ....sunshine, you bring light to the worlds of those around you living in the darkness.....thanks, and good luck with this latest insanity....as you say...it's not about the kids.... it's all about HIM!
good on you sweetie!
kiwi xx | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 6/19/2006 9:47:50 AM | If it doesn't kill ya it makes you stronger.
I'm sure you're going through hell right now and you're at your ropes end but tie a knot at the end of that rope and hold on.
Can You depend of loved ones ? You know that can be a great help to you.
If you don't what to burden them . Would you wish to help them if they were in the same boat?
And if it's a pride thing ,to hell with pride,it will get you nowhere.
You are stronger then even you realize. Just right now you are over whemed
Do this simple exercise . Get a small pebble, take this pebble and bring it close to your eye now that little pebble is a gaint boulder as you pull it away from your eye it is in better perspective and not so huge. It's this way with you now , your looking at your problem and it's all consuming but as time goes by you see it as not all consuming but what it is a life change
Above everything else DON'T give up it's hard but you are going to be alright | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/1/2006 6:04:35 PM | | As strange as this sounds, I am not close to giving up. I have heard from tons of people who have been in my shoes and came through this same type of thing all right. I admit to feeling overwhelmed on occaision. But, over all, I believe that what is meant to happen comes to pass for a reason. I may not know all of the reason at this moment, but there is a reason. Right now it is enough to know that he is essentially out of my life and that I have my children and they are safe. I thank God every day for my kids and the laughter and tears that they inspire. Above all I have to live up to being the kind of mommy that they need as an example. I do have moments where I feel so incredibly alone still, but they are few and far between. So, to anyone starting out where I was 9 mnths ago....all I can say is hold on. It does get better. No matter when you think that you are at the end of your rope, you find out it is a little longer than what you thought. You can get through anything as long as you keep your eyes on what is important in life. So, I guess that is what I have learned from this whole episode. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/6/2006 2:27:25 AM | 
hey there sunshine.... you have shown me the light of hope, and from all the way over here in
Auckland, NZ, i salute you....as this thread has encouraged and inspired you in your times of despair and
confusion, so do you inspire and comfort others with your resilience and ability to see the positive side of a heavy situation.....wo0 ho0t!!!....xx kiwi girl!!
after reading about your experiences i am feeling SO much stronger and ready to deal with the bollocks i have on my plate at present.....thank you so much.... you are a role model and an inspiration to me, thank you...xx  | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/6/2006 2:53:11 AM | | Congratulations - where there is a will there is a way. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/6/2006 2:59:10 AM | | again! and with at least as much feeling as beore... | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/6/2006 3:10:37 AM | | Hi I know this wont help, but you are probably better off having it happen now. Mine ran off in 92, left me with a 1 year old, 5 year old and 7 year old. I took her back as well, just to have it happen all over again when she started partying again when she hit her 40`s. The people who leave their families for some one else, they are self centred and will never be able to put their family first above them selves. In the long run they will not be a good example for their children and will cause you much anxiety in life. It takes 2 to make a marriage, 1 to break it. As for the guy who wont accept biracial chidren? Sheesh, hate to be in his shoes on judgement day, tell the creator that he didnt like the color of his prize creation, children. There is so much pain in this old world, it takes a lot of courage to make your way through it. I am sure you will find that courage, especially when you look into the eyes of your beautiful children. Best of luck, will pray for you. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/6/2006 9:58:10 AM | hey,
just realize that you came into this world alone with no possession of your own. you didnt even realize your existance till you were five years old. now you are living your life among relatives, friends, enemies and lots of other people you are related to in any way. but do also realize that a day will come when your time will be up. you will have to die even if you dont want to. no one in this whole universe will be able to reverse your death that will be bestowed upon you from god almighty. at that time you will be alone and no one will be able to help you. this will be the same as when you were born. both times you wont have any control over the happenings.
so my suggestion to you is to stop relying and stop depending on relations that arent real and turn to god almighty for help. this will not only put you in peace with yourself, your situation and your problems, but also will help you overcome your worries and beign true to god almighty will also make your problems either go away or you will be given the courage to face them with bravery.
take care.
coldluv. | |
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start
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Joined: 7/6/2006
Msg: 196 | |
| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/6/2006 11:43:00 AM | First of all... make sure you have supports... friends family...professional counsellor's..
do not sell yourself short... you have to stay focused on yourself.. your physical mental and social health as well as being a mom to your other children...
it is his loss... let's hope that he is responsible enough to be a man and support you and the children not just financially but for your kids, emotionally and mentally, and physically if need be..
don't be afraid to talk to your support's about waht is bothering you get it off your chest.
find sometime for yourself as well to exercise your body and mind...
take care..
stay positive | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/6/2006 7:08:22 PM | Hi u sound like a really good mother and I am sorry to hear about your situation. Just bare in mind throughout your pregnancy that in time you will be holding your precious child hope that helps. I got pregnant with my second son when my first was just over a year, and i was alone so i can empathesize with what your experiencing, yet i only had one child. It was hard for me holding my 20 month old and being 6 m pregnant yet I would not reverse time for anything.
I'm not sure where your located yet there may be single parent support groups, or pregnany classes meant for single moms where you can interact with others in your situation, or one similar to it. In addition, you may want to speak to your OB/Midwife about your health she/he may be able to offer nutritional advice or relaxation technqiues that may help you.
By your admitting that you feel like things are out of control, it shows that you do have control w/i your situation to know this or else you would be clueless.
So if I were you/ things I did when pregnant and alone were
1) Attend single-parent workshops
2) Attend single-mom pregnany classes
3) Explain to child and prepare them for sibling(s)
4) Recognize and acknowledge my strengths/limitations as mother and as pregnant women so that I can control what was happening
5) MULTI-VITAMINS ARE A MUST
6) Spoke to OB about my situation and he suggested a few things to do in terms of relaxation and things to eat which helped me | |
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