| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 4/11/2007 8:33:37 AM | this guy works at a pickle factory ,one day he tells his wife after work
honey we been married a long time i need to tell you im wanting to put my penis in the pickle slicer . she says i understand pickles are a phalic symbol and your around them all day it'll pass.
a week later he comes home and says ,honey i did it i put my penis in the pickle slicer.she says oh my gawd what happened! he said i got fired.
she said no! i mean what happened with the pickle slicer!!!
he said ,oh she got fired too. | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 4/12/2007 9:22:03 AM | Guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a woman who is looking very unhappy. Buys her a drink and inquires as to the reason for her distress. She tells him her husband has left her because her sexual tastes are somewhat "different". Guy says "boy thats ironic, my wife just left me for the same reason". Several drinks later the woman suggests that since they seem to be in the same boat, maybe he would like to come back to her place.
When they arrive , the woman tells him to wait while she slips into something "more comfortable". Ten minutes later she arrives back in in the living room in spike heels a corset and leather mask....Only to find her guest putting on his coat and getting ready to leave.
"Hey" she says, " I thought we were gonna have some fun." "Look lady" he replies "I $hit in your purse, and Fu*cked your cat.... I'm outta here" | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 4/12/2007 9:39:33 PM | Dont know if you heard any of these
Why didnt Superman save JFK junior? He was in a wheelchair!
What was the last thing that went through John Denvers mind? The propeller.
Whats the hardest part about raping a 5 year old? Getting the blood off your clown outfit.
Whats green and yellow and eats nuts? Ghonnerea
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of Cadillacs?
Cadillacs dont give me wet-dreams.
How do you keep a baby from spinning in circles? Nail his other hand to the floor.
Whats the difference between a rectal thermometer and a mouth thermometer? The taste
Its so wrong.... | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 7/12/2007 5:10:24 AM | hmm i scoured both lists of jokes, didnt see this one. you got most of the classics already though hehe..
A rabbit and a bear are taking a crap in the woods, when they are done the bear asks the rabbit "do you have a problem with s**t on your fur?" and the rabbit says "nope", so the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes himself with it. | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:07:06 PM | | A guy sits down in a diner and orders a bowl of chili from the waitress. She tells him that they just ran out of chili and that the guy behind him got the last bowl. He turns around and sees this guy sitting in front of a full bowl of chili, face sweating, tears running down his face. Figuring that the spices in it might be too hot for him he asks, "Hey buddy, you gonna eat that chili?" The guy looks at him and says "no". So he asks him if he can have it and the guy shoves it over to him and says "Knock yourself out". The guy is real happy because he got the last bowl of chili and for free to boot, so he starts wolfing it down. When he gets almost to the bottom of the bowl he sees the hairy rear end of a rat complete with tail in amongst the beans. Immediatly he tries to cover his mouth, but too late....he power pukes everything he ate back up into the bowl in front of him. The other guy turns to him and says, "Yeah....thats as far as I got too!" | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 7/19/2007 4:12:00 PM | | A couple cowboys are sitting around a saloon drinking and playing poker when one of them runs short on money. Another cowboy says he'd give him 10 bucks if he drinks from the spitoon. So the guy picks it up and tips it back and slowely begings to drink the whole thing. By the time he's done everbodies gagging and the first cowboy tells him..."'Buddy, Just a sip would have been enough to get the money...why did you drink it all?" The green faced cowboy says, "I couldnt help it, once i started it was like a whole entity stuck to itself and it wouldnt stop"' | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 7/23/2007 7:44:28 AM | | At a Psychic Fair, a professor of Supernatural Occurances is giving a lecture in front of hundreds of listeners. First he asks the crowd "How many of you dream?". just about every hand went up. Then he asks "How many of you dream of sex?" This time about half the hands went in the air. His third question was, "How many of you have dreamed of having sex with a Ghost?". The crowd went silent and only a sole hand of a packy was waving in the back. The professor asks him again, "Are you saying that you have dreamed of having sex with a Ghost?" The packy quickly lowers his hand and apologizes, "No, I'm sorry....I thought you had said GOAT" | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 7/23/2007 7:50:31 AM | | An old scraggly woman with a glass eye used to sit on her porch all day watching the children walk by on their way to school. As she sat there rocking in her chair she noticed a young boy looking at her inquisitively. She winks at him (with her good eye) and he comes over and she asks him if he ever had sex. The boy replies "no". So she whacks the back of her head with her hand and her glass eye pops out and she tells him to place his unit in there. He does, and she then proceeds to rock back and forth till the inevitable happens. The boy then tells her he is late for school and has to run and she asks him if he would want to do it again tomorrow. The boy smiles and says "sure...that was fun". She smiles back at him and says "OK, I'll be here.....I'll keep an eye out for ya" | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 7/23/2007 7:56:08 AM | A class of children in school are asked by the teacher if they could use the word "definately"' in a sentence.
Little Suzey says 'The sky is definately blue"
Teacher says, "No Suzey, the sky can be gray or many other colors too"
Mary says " The ocean is definately blue"
Again the teacher says"no mary, the ocean can be brown or green also"
So little Rotten Johnny says "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
the teacher responds, "Well no, Johnny"
Johnny stands up and blurts out "Well then, I DEFINATELY shit my pants!" | |
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| Warning: Do Not Read Unless You Can Handle Some Pretty Twisted Jokes
Posted: 7/23/2007 12:37:38 PM | A queer comes home from work and his lover is waiting for him at the door. He claims to have an obstruction in his butt and wants him to find it. So his lover reaces in there with a finger and feels something hard. Diggin in deeper he manages to grab it and slowely pulls out what appears to be a gold watch.. He is amazed and says in disbelief.."what the hell?" His lover turns around and smiles , "Happy Birthday!"
An old drunk is caught red handed in a park roasting and eating a rare Spotted Owl on a home made spit over a fire. He is taken before the judge and in his defence the drunk says that he had no choice since he had no food for several days. The judge decides to be lenient given the circumstances and lets him off with a stern warning but as the drunk walks by him the judge asks him quietly, "By the way, just for the record, what did it taste like?"
The drunk says "Kind of like a cross between a California Condor and a Yellow Eared Columbian Parrot" | |
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loved it...even though spat my brew up my computer screen and its now dribbling down into my key pad 
xxx
Am i sick i'm now questioning my self..?
xxx
never gonna look at a tom' the same again