| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:34:35 PM | Your logic is flawed... She wants to know if the guy is like that so that she DOESN'T go to bed with him... it's too late after the fact....
No, your logic is the one that's completely flawed from the onset.
Being that sex is what clearly distinguishes a friendship from a sexual relationship, it makes no sense to attribute the early onset of sex as being a detriment to the "relationship".
A foundation built on strong "chemistry" is often much stronger that one built on "friendship"quality of the relationship.
Having sex on the first, third, or tenth date doesn't preclude one from a long term relationship, unless one of the two people has a " fixation" on counting days, and are employing circular reasoning to determine if their partner is nefarious or a "slut".
Correlating a sexual desire for a "person" one finds sexually desirable, vs a sexual desire purely for the sake of having it, is a construct of the mind of the one who makes that correlation.
No different that having a "dirty mind". | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:48:26 PM | | Does it kill a potential relationship...I don't think so, not in and of itself...I think you just have to go with your feelings at the time. If you hold back say for "I want him to respect me" I don't know - I guess I think people think to much about it. If the moment is right, well go for it, if it doesn't feel right, don't. But as for killing a potential relationship - should someone judge you for acting on an impulse - they'll probably judge you for much less later - so the potential relationship probably wouldn't work anyway. At least that's what I think. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:26:05 AM | There are three things that lead to a possible start of a relationship. Sex is not one of them.
For you, perhaps.
I know, for myself, that if sex is not one of them, there's zero possibility of a relationship ever getting much past the "friends" stage.
And if sex is "not one of them", would it be ok for the person you're interested in to have sex elsewhere till it became part of the equation with you? I doubt it.
And why is it that you neglected to list what the "three things" that lead to the possible start of a relationship.
I'd love to hear what you think they are.... | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:03:44 AM | I agree with Verity because chemistry to me is much more important but the friendship makes it solid. So what if you were courted online and over the phone for a much longer period then usual, you have established certain trust and a certain level of attraction. And when you both meet, wow, amazing. Do you sit there during the date and think, Im NOT gonna have sex with her, I'm not gonna touch her, shes a slut if she even thinks about coming near me. WTF. That is calculating and stupid. I love knowing I can drive a man wild before I even touch him, that once I do he will explode insanely. If I dont feel that type of chemistry, hes not gonna get much more then a kiss on the cheek. It just lets me know that he doesnt have the fire in him to keep me going during the relationship. That is his demise right off the bat. If you cant have a lil dirty mind or live outside societal norms, like waiting two days to call, and all that other bullchet, you aren't the one for me, NEXT.  | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:31:15 AM |
(Msg 349) That's because she's not trying to hold onto him, she's trying to see if he leaves... if he leaves and she hasn't had sex with him, she's ahead... If he stays and wants her for a relationship then she wins....and so does he...
I think you may have misunderstood my post. I was not suggesting the gal should go to bed with the guy believing that if she doesn't he will leave. My point is if she wants to go to bed with him and doesn't, believing he will think negatively towards her, why would she want to see him again? If he makes the move and she stops him, believing he will think badly of her, she will never know for sure if he is like that.
I want to repeat I'm not suggesting she go to bed with him if she isn't into it. What I am wondering is if she is into it but declines because she feels he is the type of guy who would think that way why would she continue to see him? Would she want to be with a man who would treat women that way?
Newguy1121, msg 350, sums it up perfectly with,
Waiting around and playing games with your own feelings is a dangerous thing.
All too often people repress their natural feelings and lose out because as they repress those feelings they act differently giving the impression they aren’t really interested. (More on this below.)
Verityone, msg 351, also makes a salient point.
A foundation built on strong "chemistry" is often much stronger that one built on "friendship"quality of the relationship.
Exactly. That’s why Percy Sledge sang,
“When a man loves a woman…..
(He would)Turn his back on his best friend
If he put her down.”
This idea of friendship, of liking mutual activities and holding similar views and other qualities associated with a friendship, results in so many relationships failing. If friendship is the foundation of the relationship then once the friendship qualities change the relationship ends.
As we go through life we befriend multiple people. As we age we change our interests and, thus, our friends. That’s why we hear about couples splitting and remaining friends. That’s all they were, friends. There was no emotional or chemistry connection.
If a conscious, “rational” decision is the criteria used to establish a relationship then the same will be necessary to maintain it. One or both will be constantly evaluating the relationship.
On the other hand chemistry can not be evaluated. The attraction is either there or it isn’t. It’s like trying to evaluate why a person likes a certain color.
Another thing that is seldom mentioned is the postponing of sex does not always mean one feels a strong attraction but wants to be sure the other person is a decent individual. In more than a few cases the person is searching for chemistry or attraction. So when a guy leaves after X amount of days/dates without sex having taken place he's not leaving because of no sex, per se. He's leaving because of what that represents which touches on what Newguy1121 wrote in msg 350.
If one is declining sex without giving a specific reason then it's logical to conclude the person just isn't interested. That means there's no chemistry/attraction. Therefore, the other party leaves. It does not mean sex was all they were interested in. It means they've concluded sex isn't what the other person is interested in.
That's why, as Newguy wrote,
Waiting around and playing games with your own feelings is a dangerous thing. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 7:42:18 AM |
What I am wondering is if she is into it but declines because she feels he is the type of guy who would think that way why would she continue to see him? Would she want to be with a man who would treat women that way?
While I understand what you mean a little better. I still see it this way....
How can she feel "he is the type of guy who would think that way"????
She doesn't know him... she can't "feel" one way or the other about him...? On a first date a man (or a woman) could represent themselves to be ANYBODY!
Example: In some restaurants, the have a small goldfish-type bowl for businessmen to drop a business card. And each month, they empty the bowl and draw one card and offer a free lunch.... I know people who have grabbed a handful of cards from the bowl. They deliberately choose cards with a "home" and "work" number on them and a good "job" to impress the ladies.... Then when they go to a bar, they offer the card to a lady they meet. She sees a home number a name and a decent job... She figures the guy is on the up and up... I've often wondered how many innocent men have been in the dog house when some woman phones after a one night stand and speaks to the wife....
This idea of friendship, of liking mutual activities and holding similar views and other qualities associated with a friendship, results in so many relationships failing. I disagree, at least in my own experience... I've met many 'friends' and I have very few FRIENDS. My girlfriend is my BEST FRIEND. She says I am her best friend... we've been through a lot together and we have a real friendship, a lot in common, and a great sex life....
I've been in many relationship with women who were not friends as much as lovers and the differences in common interests etc, eventually killed it... | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:03:12 PM | Good question
I think the first factor is age for the young couples that is something that could kill a relationship. Me being in my 40's have had sex on the first date and so far that relationship has not went any where but I do not think it was due to the sex. There were other reasons why it did not continue.
Now one other time I guess you can say sex on the first meeting we lived 3000 miles apart that time it lasted 14 yrs. So I would say you can have sex on the first meeting. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:04:46 PM | | Thats how I lost my virginity to a gal that offered me sex on the first date. She was very horny all the time we did it a lot but in the end the relationship didnt workout becuase I was too far she couldnt handle it. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:38:30 PM | What if you had been talking for a while and there was a 'connection' and things just progressed to this on a first date? What if you developed a sense of trust this early? It's possible, however rare.
Although, if one is seeking a relationship involving more than just sex, it's probably not the best route to take. The odds are against you. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:18:12 PM |
(Msg 360) While I understand what you mean a little better. I still see it this way....
How can she feel "he is the type of guy who would think that way"????
She doesn't know him... she can't "feel" one way or the other about him...? On a first date a man (or a woman) could represent themselves to be ANYBODY!
I was referring more to meeting people from dating sites. The emails. The phone calls. The initial meet-n-greet. Then the first date. Your following example is more like a pick-up.
Example: In some restaurants, the have a small goldfish-type bowl for businessmen to drop a business card. And each month, they empty the bowl and draw one card and offer a free lunch.... I know people who have grabbed a handful of cards from the bowl. They deliberately choose cards with a "home" and "work" number on them and a good "job" to impress the ladies.... Then when they go to a bar, they offer the card to a lady they meet. She sees a home number a name and a decent job... She figures the guy is on the up and up... I've often wondered how many innocent men have been in the dog house when some woman phones after a one night stand and speaks to the wife....
BTW, I could have used that tip 15 or so years ago.
I disagree, at least in my own experience... I've met many 'friends' and I have very few FRIENDS. My girlfriend is my BEST FRIEND. She says I am her best friend... we've been through a lot together and we have a real friendship, a lot in common, and a great sex life....
I've been in many relationship with women who were not friends as much as lovers and the differences in common interests etc, eventually killed it...
My experience has been the opposite. When I met my partner our differences included native language, religion, culture, education, income and a nine year age difference. Just the fact she was university educated with a high paying job and I was a nine year older, blue collar worker should have doomed the relationship before it started. However, the chemistry was so strong those differences didn't matter and they still don't 13 years later.
We've taken the best of her lifestyle and the best of mine and combined them. We're best friends because we like being in each other’s company. We do things together because we like being together. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:08:19 PM |
Sex on a first date isn't going to promote respect for yourself,
Says who?
If two adults wants to have sex on the first date so be it. They're acting on what feels natural to them. Not their fault most people hold back thinking its not the right thing to do. These days the "norm" behaviours is not serving anyone much luck why the majority are here on this site.
So if you are horny for ya date on the first date...if you two are goin' to bonk then go for it. His****will not fall off if you two do it. LOL
I suggest if things(anything)are not working adjust it to improve your chances | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:45:55 PM | I have been struggling with that issue for way too long...
One poster alluded to the age of the person per say.
In my late teens and early twenties, it was important to wait and to make sure that in a respectful relashionship that the first lover would be a good partner. Maybe, this partner would not become your husband but the tenderness of the moment and the, how can I say, two inexperienced young people get to know each other and do what is really a natural process without turning the sexual intercourse experience into a three ring circus...
I got married and my sexual experience was limited but geez... Living in an almost constant state of horniness because of the fear of being branded a slut was a huge issue in my value system. (I know... I have evolved... At least, I hope I did.)
After my divorce, all hell broke loose... I had done all the right things to try to assure a good marriage. It tanked and all this effort in trying to to the right things went out the window...
For a period of about 3 years, I simply did not try to deny my natural sexual urges and if I was harshly judged, I just went with the attitude that the issue with this man belonged to him. I KNEW who I was and I OWNED all my decisions and accepted to consequences of my actions. What a delivery and I learned so much about the male psyche.
Little by little, a whole system of layers unfolded. I never met soooo many married men trying to get laid because they actually thought I was sexually starved because I was married and now divorced... I lost respect for many of those men. Many of them were our couple friends with my ex and I... 
Then, the dust settled and I just went with the flow. I go with what feels right and I simple let the universe unfold as it should. I have no secret recipe but at my age, 48 years old, I'll be damned if I'll pull the stupid virgin act.
Yes, I want to be selfish when it comes to my sexual health and if a man cannot accept that then, the problem belongs to him.
I would like to think that people in our age group, have life experience and can cut through the bullcrap fast enough and sex is just part of the equation along with all the other components, like, affection, friendship, etc... I now see relashionships sort of like a dance. I want to be swayed and wooed and I want to make the man I am with smile and get all fuzzy inside.
Let's face it, we are all still to a degree that innocent young person inside, still looking and hoping not be judged because some of us, refuse to deny our natural sexual urges in order to fit in this rigid patriarchal society that still has the virgin/whore mentality.
Ok... hoping off my soap box...
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:11:25 PM | | No sex on the first date can also be a possible relationship killer. I met this woman one night and we hit it off immediately and we really were into each other. We ended up talking until the sun came up. She asked me to take her home and during the drive we both agreed that we didn't want sex but she did want me to stay at her place since I lived about an hour away. We ended up talking some more and started kissing. Things got very passionate and she then practically begged me to have sex with her. I stuck to my guns and told her that I really liked her, wanted to see her again, but didn't want to sleep with her out of respect. She hadn't been with someone since her last boyfriend and she said that I was the first guy to really make her feel special so turning her down obviously hurt her feelings. I appreciated the sentiments but I still wanted to get to know her better before we went that route. We ended up falling asleep together and when i woke up she was still sound asleep so I woke her up and told her I was leaving and she basically shrugged me off. I tried calling her the next day and she didn't answer my calls. I haven't heard from her since. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:48:09 PM |
For a period of about 3 years, I simply did not try to deny my natural sexual urges and if I was harshly judged, I just went with the attitude that the issue with this man belonged to him. I KNEW who I was and I OWNED all my decisions and accepted to consequences of my actions. .. Then, the dust settled and I just went with the flow. I go with what feels right and I simple let the universe unfold as it should. I have no secret recipe but at my age, 48 years old, I'll be damned if I'll pull the stupid virgin act.
Great post. When we begin to OWN our own sexuality we live with ourselves much easier. I've had sex on the first date and gone on to a relationship, I've had sex on the 10th date.
I would like to think that people in our age group, have life experience and can cut through the bullcrap fast enough and sex is just part of the equation along with all the other components, like, affection, friendship, etc... I now see relashionships sort of like a dance. I want to be swayed and wooed and I want to make the man I am with smile and get all fuzzy inside.
The bullcrap happens when 3rd-parties become involved like churches and self-appointed moral guardians. Life-experience is a great teacher. I'd even throw those great oracles of the middle-class, Oprah and Dr Phil, into that basket. So many, women in particular, tune in each day to be told what their moral compass should be. | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:20:25 PM | Usually when there's sex on the first date, neither person is seeking a potential relationship with the other person, since each of them are likely thinking that the other makes a habit of playing the field. It's hard to attain mutual respect with a one night stand. If they're both seeking intimate encounters only, that's different. But as far as a potential relationship, first date is pushing things, they should wait until at least the 3rd or 4th date, if not longer.  | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:31:11 PM | | My husband and i had sex on our first date. We were a blind date. Meet in April moved in together in May. He was married to his first wife at that time. We were married a year and half later. And was married for 21 years until he past away | |
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| Sex on a First Date - Does it Kill a Potential Relationship?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:36:58 PM | Him: We had sex in the first date. I thought she's a nympho. I figured we should be compatible sexually. Good thing I'm right. She's still a nympho and we're still together.
Her: And exclusive. I'm a one-man nympho! | |
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