| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 4:51:18 PM | Oh, sweetie: I had the same thing happen to me. After a 31 year abusive marriage; got a divorce; then spent a whole year healing, etc., etc....first man (poh); I thought he was everythingI ever wanted in a man; he was even from the same part of the country I am (New England) and we are both living in the midwest now. He came on like gangbusters (only red flag I saw); we planned a trip back to New England; I bought a 300 negligee( didn't know when or IF I would use it); our 1st phone conversation was SIX hours long; and so it went. He was in "deep like" with me and falling in love. So was I.
All of a sudden: nothing; no phone calls, e-mails; nothing
I waited 3 excruciating weeks and confronted him at his apartment. His excuse? 'I a a coward; that might be par for the course for a 15 year old; but this man is 52!!
I believe in "restorative justice"---this is what you did; this is how it made me feel. I gave him a letter I had written.
Closure? There isn't any, unfortunately, all we can do, is process it, grive it and again, unfortunately, TIME is all that will help.
I am so sorry; I know (pretty much) how you feel.
"My" guy took something away that one human should never take away from another: HOPE......but it will come back.
Hugs and Love, Rossal
P.S. Perhaps you would want to write a letter to him (remember, it isn't about how HE feels, it is about how YOU feel at what was done to you. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 5:08:37 PM | Wow thank you all.. so very very much. For the encouragement, compliments (I sure don't feel pretty right now)... and letting me know I"m not alone. I just don't see how a human being can change so much in hours.. and go from talking several times a day.. HIS doing.. to NOTHING.
I have regreted my drunk dial.. as far as argument pending.. we had TWO arguments our whole relationship and both solved within an hour. What I meant was of course I'd be upset he'd tell me he wants to leave early AFTER I paid and AFTER I asked him several times if he was sure...
I couldn't leave on the spot and I wouldn't leave him.
I still don't have one bad thing to say about the man. I wish I did but he was wonderful to me. Everything i could have dreamed of.. until the very end. He will make some lucky lady VERY happy. I just wish it was me.
I did write him a letter.. I just never gave it to him. But to get things out in writing is very theraputic to me... even posting this has taken me a step in the right direction.
This just happened a week ago. It's still fresh and it still hurts and I still find myself hoping he'll come back....
Of course he won't. And I am trying to move on... it just isn't fair. And I'm so scared it will happen again. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 5:14:49 PM | CLOSURE that is easy, you just reach up to the door knob and squeeze firmly and push the door of your heart shut until you feel yourself again. Empty nest syndrome is a hard feeling.
It is not so much what you don't have but what everyone else has that you don't. Don't feel bad and go out and fill up your life with fun. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 5:26:55 PM | | True... right now for me it's more I never met anyone like him.. who posessed every single quality I ever looked for in a man.. and the fear I may never find that again. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 6:02:57 PM | | Cinrell, is that him in the picture on your profile ? If it is, he looks cool. Neat looking man that is for sure. Too bad you lost him, but just between you and me, you are seriously out of his league by a 1000, and gorgeous and can win the hearts of the world for sure. You look as good as a movie star. If I was 10 years younger I'd marry you. Can I replace him? Please? hehehe | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 6:16:30 PM | Hey,Sorry to hear about your break up.As I read your posting I noticed a few things that didn't add up#1:he had been sober for 3 yrs and smoked pot(thats not sober thats dry).
And for him to tell you that, drinking must have been a problem at one point for him.#2:maybe when you called him drunk it kind of set something off in him(maybe he had a partner in crime or a few when he was drinking) and he got riled.#3:maybe he rushed into things and then changed his mind,because thats all he's ever done and probably ever will.What ever the reason,yes it's not cool to leave you hanging but thats what he is doing and maybe you should be thankful for the time you enjoyed in that part of your life!Because some people will never get to be as happy for a moment,let alone for a while as you have!
Anyway,if you close yourself off it may never find it's way to you again(and not thru him).
And if you think it hurts now,wait 5 or 10 yrs before you realized it realy wasn't him who let you down.It was you who because of him let yourself down!
Oh,not all guys are like that and some people(including women) are just as self absorbed and cold hearted.
Best Wishes,J.
PS: what do you do when you fall off a bike? maybe get some training wheels and your own helmet! | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 6:33:48 PM | Geez, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Lately I've been trying to come to terms with something similar that happened to me, although in our case I don't believe either of us were at fault... outside influences... but in the end, I ended up being punished for it.
And like you, I'm worried about being able to open up again, although I don't believe her and I were to the level you two seemed to be.
The thing is, and what it comes down to really, is that people will be with who they want to be with. We can't make these people spend time with us... and really, why would we want to 'make them' anyway?
If he is involved elsewhere.. well, not much can be done about that. But if he really just needs time to sort himself out, he'll call you back. I would just suggest waiting for that call, but not stopping living either in the meantime. There are all kinds of people in the world, and although I understand what it feels like to have what seems like a great thing ripped out from underneath you... I think we'll both be okay with time. You at least seem to share how I feel about who I was involved with... no hateful feelings, I really wish her the best, but I wish things had gone differently. Is that wrong? I don't think so.. but dwelling on it might be. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 6:43:14 PM | haha killer thanks but no. That's one of my best friends in the world. I've known him about 15 years. He's like a brother.
My ex is gorgeous and likely out of MY league. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 9:45:19 PM |
I did write him a letter.. I just never gave it to him. But to get things out in writing is very theraputic to me... even posting this has taken me a step in the right direction.
writing has helped me out a ton. i put everything down for the public to see on my myspace account. the good times and the bad. of course most of the time my writing is all over the place because i cant think straight but it gets what i need out and off my chest. my life is a open book for all those to learn from or laugh at. either way it does help.
remember like me you might never get absolute closure on this and the healing will be a bit hard but having close friends will help. just dont let it get to you. dont dwell over not having closure.
good luck | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 9:48:45 PM |
My ex is gorgeous and likely out of MY league.
please theres no such thing as that. look at me and then look at my ex. she was a model but it never stopped me. your league is only what you make it. your a beautiful woman and should have no problem finding any guy you want. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 10:30:35 PM | | Hmmm, it would appear that the fast to fall in love are also fast to fall out of it. That's just my observation from recent events... | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 7/31/2006 10:56:12 PM | | Wow! Well I am glad I am not alone. Nor am I crazy. Not making light of the situation or anything but I too have just had this happen to me. All the while trying to make it seem it was my fault. I am determined to be strong, because you see it has been going on for a year now. Two months on two months off and stupid female that I am I am finally seeing the pattern. With him it's this damn internet. He wanted a monogamous relationship but somewhere along the way he forgot monogamous meant physical as well as mental. So women beware he is a troller of this site!! I won't name names but his game is very good. Just take my advice and remember if it appears too good to be true it usually is! Any women wanting to know who he is just email me. He hails from alabama. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/1/2006 6:04:39 AM | I wish we'd had "signs" it was going downhill but it was going nowhere but up. I'm leary of relationships and men so for me to say this.. believe me.
He text me last night that he will be dropping off my stuff tomorrow while I"m at work. I tried to text him back... and left him a voicemail this AM.. to remind him which stuff to bring. Ask him not to leave it out in the rain.. and ask why the sudden harshness? How do you go from loving someone to now not even talking to them? That I was nothing but good to him I deserve some type of explanation. That if he did meet someone else I am not mad but I wish I knew...
It's the last msg I"ll leave him. There is NO reason he can't pick up a phone.. no reason he has to text me about leaving my stuff for me. No reason he should be so rude as to flat out avoid me.
It makes no sense to me at all.
This stinks. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/1/2006 6:50:49 AM | (Again), sweetie: Don't know if you read what I wrote previously......but i went from (the "one") saying: "I am in deep like with you....falling in love with you." To disappearing from the planet.
I know it makes NO sense. I cannot imagine treating someone (ANY person) like that.
I believe in "restorative justice"---This is what you did; this is how it made me feel.....and perhaps because I lived a lifetime of abuse..from childhood on (except for 3 years in the army), it is vastly importnt to me to say: This is what you did.....etc.....because if I do not, it is disrespecting myself, and abusing myself; I have come too far, to allow anyone to do that to m e. It takes a lot of nerve and guts for me to confront someone like that....but I do self-talk, until I can do it, LOL, LOL
I know....I feel like you do; I felt ("my" guy) was unique in the universe, and the ONLY one for me. The similarities were amazing, and the chemistry on "kill."
That he couldn't even e-mail me (or phone me much less) and say ANYthing........pathetic.
He believes in karma, and so I wanted (but didn't) to tell him that he would come back as a****oach, so people could stomp on him, the way he did to others, etc.......slight attempt at humor.
I send you a big hug and love.....and know the pain of loss..........Love, Rossal | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/1/2006 7:17:08 AM | Rossal thanks so much... email me sometime.. we can compare horror stories... your words do mean a lot to me.
I said what he did to me in the phone msg this morning. I'll never get him to talk to me again which leads me to believe it MUST be another woman. I did so much to help him along where he was falling.. hope she doesn't mind picking up the rest of the pieces.
we'll find our princes out there one day... right???
I will probably write him a letter one day but the sad part is he likely won't even read it and if he does he won't care. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/1/2006 7:51:24 AM | | Hey Cinrell...your receiving lots of advice...and lots of different types of ways to help yourself but in my opinion is to sit back and enjoy the moments that you spent with him. Thing didn't work out the way you wanted them too, and that is for a reason...if he was able to leave from what you wrote a really nice woman and nice relationship like that so quickly he really isn't the man for you...be thankful that he left now and not 10 years from now when you and he were married with kids...You seem like a wonderful woman...continue on your search one day and one day soon someone will see you for who you truly are and give you the love you deserve...he wasn't the one...and again I say be thankful you didn't get the ring, the house, the commitment because if it was another woman, he could of and would have left you at anytime...just get back your stuff show him how strong you are and move on....if ever in Canada look me up...best of luck | |
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| How do you get closure? That is all the 'closure' you need
Posted: 8/1/2006 7:54:26 AM | | I had met a conn artist that stole $1200 from my debit card and CC. I didn't know this. I think we sorta have similar stories in the we DID get all the closure we NEED. These men, all men, have issues that we can't fix, or nor should fix! Just be happy you didn't marry this tool. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/1/2006 8:18:51 AM | | hey girl i was with my ex for almost 1 year he broke up with me 1 week before our year,yes everything was fine with us i thought we were happy didnt see anything coming at all,he also asked me to move in with him 1 month before he broke up with me i didnt thank god,but ya we were supposed to go to a bed and breakfast for our 1 year which wouldve been on july 2 2006,he was with me the night before gave me a kiss and we said i love you he got up the next morning kissed me on the lips and forhead again and said i love you,i was on my way to work and he text me saying im sorry couldnt understand why he said this so i text him back no answer and called him didnt answer got to work i work at a spa my boss hands me this note says on the front karen i read it and it says i dont no ither way to say it so here it goes we have been fighting none stop for 3 months and theres no trust in our relationship i dont see it lasting i think its best if we both just move on so we can be happy i hope you find a guy that makes you the happiest girl in the world forever sorry ,so i phoned his house in a panic like what is going on here i was so confused upset and all kinds of emotions running through my head his mom answered i said his ken there she said no hes out to the dumb dropping stuff off but meanwhile he told me he was going to go get another 10 day permit for his car,so she said whats wrong i said i just want to talk to ken so i told her what happend she said far as i know he was picking u up from work aqnd she saidthat i made him so happy all his family seen it and have always told me this and i thought i did too so i didnt talked to him.so he text me finally saying promise to call you tonight and that i do mean alot to him he never called so i called him the next day and asked him to meet me in person he wouldnt at all he even sounded like someone i didnt even know so cold hearted not the guy that loved me and cared for me so much just rude he made the excuss up that no im not meeting you it always end up in vilolence i said what u mean well he said it might be a trap that i would get someone after him i said i would not get anyone after you i love you why woulod i he said stranger things have happened so finally after 5 mins fo asking he said fine but one fight im out of there then his phone had no more mins so then i phoned my friend and she said dont look how hes treating you you dont deserve that so i dont him nevermind and he wrote me back the exact same text to me.so i left it didnt call him our message him for over 1 week and 1/2 looked on his profile on msn and he took all my pics down and the blogs he wrote about me and he wrote single still looking for that special someone so what am i nothing.so after that i was pissed so i called him up and told him to come get his shit then he started being all nice to me and saiod what do i have there and just trying to keep me on the phone i said whatever i have there bring it he said ok he was supposed to come on a wed made an excuse forgot my stuff at home then on friday amde up an excuse then he said sat made up another excuse then finally he said sun i said ok he said hell do it on his way to work so he showed up not in his work clothes didnt even park on my street parked on the main street told me to meet him there and his buddy was with him i handed him his stuff he was kinda shaking and he handed me mine he said thanks i said nothing and walked away.i havent talked to him at all its been about 1 month 1 week we broke up we talked about chilldren he even wrote hits booklet for me saying he wants me to be the mother of his children and his wife and that we can work through anything.about the fighting this we did not fight none stop for 3 months we went away to mexcio hes afraid of flying never been on a plane before he asked me to move out with him so he can see me alot more even though we were with each other for 7 days a week,he got me circus tickets about 1 month before we broke up i told him i wanted to go and he didnt want to go but surprised me with tickets so i dont know why hes just using this excuses pluse when i talked to him that one time he changed from 3 months of fighting to 3 to 6 months he cannot keep his storey straight i felt the same way as you that there is hope hell come back he loved me so much but i gave up and realized hes wasnt the guy for me i deserve to be treated really good and that even on the phone when he wasa cold hearted i said dont you love me he said yes i love you i dont get why people love you so much then one day just snap and changed and it was like he hated me too and we went aways for our 6 months we went away for our 1 month eh bought me a promise white gold pink saffire ring for our 6 months and always told me what a great girlfriend i am i did everything for him i even changed for him by not going to the bars and i helped him get appt to look at cars and get insurance and he wasnt motivated i cooked him dinner his whole famile loved me and told me how happy i have made himthat he hasnt been happy for years and that they all hated his ex she treated him like shit the were together for 3 years and she did not work didnt even clean or cook and always just said wheres my pocket money and they fought like cats and ogs but manwhile im so the opposite of her and did make him happy and always told me this is what real love feels like and im the one i just dont get it either but i do feel much happier cause he was trying to change me into someon im not and very controlling couldnt go to the bar or talk or hang out with my best guys friends or if i was late from being with my friend even though i didnt know what time he would be at my place at he would be pissed and at my bday he was pissed at me cause i had a shot and was grumpy the whole night and at my moms surprise bday party he was really grumpy too was not social at all made me upset and at my bosses xmas work party was the same way too everything that had to do with me he would control and make me upset i dont know what to think of why he did this to me i dont know if i ever will | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/1/2006 9:40:03 AM | similar experience girl,
But hey Ive got over it, took some soul searchin, some crappy lonely nights of tears and too many beers but you will eventually meet the one that does deserve you!!!
Keep the faith x | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/1/2006 1:11:12 PM | my words exactly arcadia..wow, very well put! Sorry to hear cin about your ordeal..it's been 9 months for me and my seperation..??'s that i've asked and just ignored...so, made up my mind a few weeks ago..i'm goin on with my life..through sorrow, tears..stress, anxiety that he added to my life..I will make it through this..and will find "true love" again. I believe in myself and in the great maker of love...You be strong girl! You will make it!! | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/2/2006 11:02:48 AM | Ex just called to tell me he lft my stuff by my car...
So he said that it wasn't that he met someone else. That he DID meet someone in vegas but didn't hold hands, kiss, ANYTHING. Didn't even talk to her until he and I were done. Ok he can say it wasn't that all he wants but bullshit. He swears it.. whatever
He thinks they're more compatible.
But we had other problems he tried to work out because he tried to make something be there that wasn't... apparently tried to force something. That hurts.
It was a big issue that i had a big issue with him smoking pot and threatened to leave if he didn't stop. It was an empty threat but he didn't know that..
Anyway that friday of the drunk dial apparently I said things that will always stick with him... then the girl he met..
Then he wanted to go to the falls to see if the feelings were still there.. well we fought. I had no idea it was a "test trip"... and he said the feelings WEREN'T there... I had no idea it was a test trip or we wouldn't have FOUGHT.
My drinking was apparently a problem too. I have NO PROBLEM stopping. But he said t was the things I said.. on 2 occssions i got drunk and we got in a fight. I'm not nice during that. Obviously that's something i hve to work on
But I"ll never forgive myself that it ruined what i had with him. I seriously don't drink often I think I got drunk 3 times in the 5 mos we were together and I can EASILY stop.
Now he's seeing the new girl. He thinks of me but dosn't see himself ever wanting to be with me again.
Im numb. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/2/2006 12:36:15 PM | | I hope you can make it through this tough time. Have to shake and dust yourself off and get back on your feet as they say. I honestly can never ever see myself hurting a girlfriend like that. Your ex will realize what he lost and eventually i am a guy I know he will end up phoning you someday. dont want toget your hopes up but is mystery to me how a man can stop loving just like that. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 8/2/2006 12:52:39 PM | Closure? What exactly is "closure" somebody tell me. Is it a place where you know, and understand and accept all the reason they gave you for ending it? Is it letting go of it and forgetting about it? is it the date? Some marker for your life events?
Seeking closure is just as silly as expecting anyone other than you to be able to fully understand you.
We love people in our lives. That's a given. and part of whomever we love becomes a part of us. What would closure do then? Extricate the memory of that person. REMOVE the good feelings we had ?
C'mon folks. Relationships end and that's the way it is. That ending is no more than a change. If you learn to cope with profound change- allow yourself to feel all of your emotions brought about by that change, accept your whole self through the change, then you'll heal. but Closure? Hmmm, maybe closure is like stitches.... a way to speed healing... Man now I 've heard it all.... Emotional Stitches...blah | |
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