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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 12:31:55 PM | | you both moved too fast,guard your heart longer next time around,after a week to go to the next level huh,kind of played out like a teenage relationship,crazy.I wouldn't date a pot smoker to begin with myself,thats indicative to certain behavioral types,if he'll destroy himself,he'll destroy you without a thought,pick someone clean next time,you know like the adds say 'no drug users' good luck next time around,and if anyone sais they love you within 6 months,there's something wrong,big time,it should be more like"i really enjoy being around you". chow | |
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clay71
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Joined: 7/11/2007
Msg: 77 | |
| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 12:48:33 PM | | Sometimes you don't get the satisfaction of closure.But, for the most part for a little while, you got to have that feeling were all on here looking for.Your lucky in that aspect but, now you know what kind of damage he can inflict.Be glad that you did'nt marry him after 2 weeks.Now you get to move on when you are ready,and do something new. And reevaluate what you are really looking for in a person.This guy should have told you what was up in his head but, he did'nt want to face the consequences of his actions.And he found a way around telling you face to face.Which I think we all deserve, for the time we put into a relationship,no matter how long or short it is.JMO. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 12:48:56 PM | not going to read it all ~ too long ~ but the girls will.
To answer your very short question .
The quickest way is ~ to fight fire with fire.
Get back in line and show the package off.
Make yourself avaliable. Let closure run to catch you. ~dar | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 12:49:27 PM | I have to agree with the poster who said your guy sounded sincere. It sounds like he hasn't lied to you at all. If he was going to blame it on you, he wouldn't have mentioned the other woman at all. If he was lying to cover her up, he wouldn't have told you. But he was up front, and honest and said he met someone while he was away.
It sounds to me like your drunk dialing really got to him. You said you are not a nice person when you drink. You also said HE is a very nice person. When you drunk dialed him it probably opened his eyes and made him rethink the whole thing. Can anyone blame him for that? Everyone says he was being a jerk, but in reality he had been acting like a great guy..until she showed him her mean side. ANYONE would want to step back and rethink a relationship. Any SMART person would.
Then, you were constantly threatening to leave him for smoking weed. I'm not one to judge on that, but if he didn't want to quit, then he wasn't going to. So in the back of his mind, he knew that you could pack up and leave at any time. You said he did NOT know that was an empty threat. If the shoe was on the other foot, and a man was constantly threatening to leave a woman over something, ALL the women on here would say 'leave him first'. So this guy is living every day with the thought that you might leave on a moments notice. How was he supposed to cope with that?
Then you say you were jealous of his vegas trip but you didn't show it. I bet you did. I bet you were saying things and acting in a way that YOU didnt think showed your jealousy but he picked up on it. That drags a person down quick. Then you guys get in a big fight on your little getaway.
I believe he truly did love you and wanted a future with you, but as time went by he was seeing more and more red flags. I feel bad for you, but I think you pushed him away. You say you only drank 3 times, but thats like saying a wife abuser only hit someone 3 times. To some people, once is all it takes to walk away. He gave you more chances than that. You drank, you threatened, you fought, you were jealous of a trip he invited you on in the first place.....if he did stick around, he sure wouldnt have been happy.
I think he handled it better than most women are used to. He let you know his feelings had changed and he wanted to take a break. How many women ever get that notice? Not many. Sure he ignored you for a couple weeks. Thats a break. A break is not continuing to hang out. Can't blame him. How is he supposed to have time to search his feelings and make a decision if you are on the phone trying to get him to talk? Guys dont soul search out loud. We do it quietly without distraction. When he made his decision, he opened the lines of communication again and answered all your questions. Told you everything you wanted to know. Thats something i bet most women have NEVER had the luxury of getting. And yet, people on here are calling him a jerk and saying they would never treat a women like that. Like what? Being honest and talking to her and letting her have closure? Thats the BEST way to handle it.....how would you naysayers have done it? Dont say 'talk to her' because thats what HE did and you guys are saying that was wrong.
I also appreciate the honesty of her post. She could have stayed quiet about her mistakes and made him out to be the bad guy, just to get 3 pages of support. I believe 99% of the time on here thats what happens. For once, we get an honest person who truly does post BOTH sides of the story. It does make it easier to diagnose, doesnt it? lol.
I kept my ex's pictures around for months and that didnt help at all. I didnt throw them away, they are arranged neatly in a box in my closet. Its just another chapter in my life now. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:03:26 PM | Sometimes you don't get closure. But, you have to pick up the pieces and move on anyways.
Most people don't want to give you closure...it is uncomfortable. It is the worst thing to tell someone you just don't do it for them...they would rather make up something or just avoid the unpleasentness.
You have to think of yourself and do things that make you feel better. Do everything possible to get over this as quickly as you can. Just be glad it happened now instead of years down the road when you are married and had children. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:03:35 PM | | Happend to me too. We im all day long every and called e mailed he sent me a card in the mail and a e card too we saw each other a few times too it was awesome.out of the blue I got a e mail wanting to call it quits I was devastated. Its hard to move on I just wanted to know what changed his mind about me so quick. He responded to a few e mails but was very Vague promised to explain but never did. Then he total quit responding at all. I had to stop e mailing ect i felt like I was stalking him. he is back on here now I hope he doesn’t do that again to someone else I felt like he lead me on I had no idea he dint feel the same as I did. It hurt very bad and dint deserve to be treated that badley. | |
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-ruth-
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Joined: 7/13/2007
Msg: 82 | |
| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:12:26 PM | | reading your post just reminds me why i just dont give a shit anymore...that way nobody will ever hurt you... | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:28:45 PM | | LOL you have said it all in a nutshell Davey!!! especially in your previous comment!!! i'm responding to you in particular, cause we seem to have alot in common!!! i recently have just split from a 6&1/2yr. live-in relationship!!! i will spare all the details of the split, but will say i was totally sucker-punched, as i NEVER seen what transpired to cause our demise coming!!! closure is something i wanted desperately, but now realize i may NEVER get it!!! for sanity's sake we must MOVE forward>learn to RESPECT ourselves, FORGIVE the past and place it in the PAST!!! life is too short and as previously said, definitely not PROMISED!!! it has only been 5 months since absolute no CONTACT!!! i have my good days as well as bad!!! have been out on a few dates, but i know that i have alot of healing to do as i just can't seem to get intimate with anyone!!! comes down to the TRUST factor for me i guess!!! i do know that we are ALL not wired to be jack-----, and i do hold out FAITH that one day i will have learned a lesson, be stronger and prepared to welcome the "RIGHT" one into my life with loving arms!!! BEST of luck to all suffering from a shattered heart,unable to find "closure".>may you all find the LOVE & HAPPINESS you DESERVE!!! take care, Jari | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:28:47 PM | Sometimes there is no acceptable /understandable explanation of why a relationship ends....but it needs to end.
When you've exhausted every imaginable way to explain yourself honestly, without hurting the other person more than breaking up will - an explanation followed by a total lack of contact is the only answer.
I'd hope I'm not the only person who's ended a relationship and tried to do everything to protect their ex's feelings, and ended up feeling like a jerk.
Sometimes (go ahead and beat me for over-using that word) there is no easy answer. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:49:19 PM | ^^^ I agree...ending a relationship is hard on everyone...including the one doing the breaking up. No one likes to hurt people intentionally. Sometimes it just doesn't work and it doesn't necessarly have to do with anything you said or did. Love is a complex emotion. You can't make yourself love someone and you can't make yourself fall out of love with someone either. Sometimes it just is what it is ...and that hurts, I know.
But, as for closure...it is over rated. No one really tells the truth anyways...they most likely will make something up to spare your feelings. Not unless they are sadistic...then you are better off without them anyways. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 1:50:56 PM | I met one of the nicest, classiest, wonderful fella here on POF last January. As of yesterday I had to leave him...but I know he will replace me within a week...two tops! How do I know that?...Because I found out that at the same time we were together...had been dating exclusively...and he wanted me to live with him (and I practically have been for the most part for the last 2 months)...that the WHOLE time we were together...and he was telling me he loved me like he never loved anyone, felt like the luckiest man in the world, and never wanted to lose me...he had actually been lying and cheating on me every chance the opportunity came up. He said he didn't have MSN...until the day...BINGO! and the screen on his computer pops on to MSN...and he has some woman calling by his real first name...wanting to chat with him and for him to call her 'about the other night', and I just sat there stunned...
And THAT was NOT the only contact he had on MSN...nor the other women he was keeping on a string...
It was weird, because we had such a wonderful relationship...and he seemed like the most wonderful man...ALL the time...except in hindsight...you would NEVER suspect him of ever lying or cheating...he played such a good game! My head is swimming...and my heart is broken, I could not reconcile all this with the man I thought I knew, the guy he pretended to be...even his whole family loved me and I spent alot of time with them...and to find how much he cheated, and lied, OMG, I felt in some sort of complete SHOCK, and suddenly numb....but that is NOT all...
A few weeks ago he was fired abruptly after workimng for a corporation for nearly 7 years...and I was trying to be encouraging of him and supportive...but I suspect now it was because he was on all those singles sites during the day...and he would hook up with these women and leave early or come in late...take advantage or his felxible working hours and the trust his company had in him that he was doing company business...(this is just one of the ways he was able to cheat...and I didn't know...he did it during working hours)...He had also displayed a bit of sudden temper tantrums on a few occasions...never directed at me...and I stupidly shrugged them off as him having a bad day...didn't know or see it as a 'pattern' until now...and boy! It is VERY clear ...NOW....
He got a message from a police officer two days ago. It was supposed to be about an incident that happened a couple of months ago...when I asked him about it...he said he does not remember what it could possibly be about, that he had 'racked his brain' and that there was absolutely NOTHING...finally the police officer got him on the phone and told him sternly, in no uncertain terms that he was is BIG trouble...evidently,...he had chased down someone he thought had 'cut him off on the road', so he wrecklessly sped and ran this guy down, screeched his car in front of the guy so he could get away...jumped out of his car...and he yelled and raged and he assaulted the guy...reached into the guy's car...grabbed his cell phone and threw it...shattering it in numerous irreparable pieces on the road...coz he was ticked off...he also...a week ago he got a deserved parking ticket...and so he yelled at, and threatened/assualted the 2 parking-ticket officers that gave it to him...kicked their car...drove his car into theirs and damaged the gov. car they were in...they had called the police, and now he also is up for 'hit and run', assualt on an officer...among alot of other very serious charges...Can you believe he actually feels like these other people were at fault and he had a 'right' to be angry?!!!!!! OMG!!!!!
AND...not only THAT...I found this all out yesterday...AND MORE...he was arrested for domestic violence several years ago...and THAT was what happened in his marriage...NOT the story he told me...that his wife had cheated on him...and he had two other domestic violence records with his most recent live in girlfriend who was with him for the last 2 years before me...he had hit her and beat her...and the police had to come for that too...
YOU would never know he was like this or had this type of record...He is amazingly good at being utterly classy and "well grounded"...he is handsome and charming and affectionate and treated me like a lady...and thew whole time he had this other side to him that is soooo unstable and out of control...
He left me no choice. But my heart is still broken about it...he calls and calls all last night and all day today...and I won't answer...not because I am mean...or don't have feelings...but for my own good and for my future wellfare...
I am so sorry OP for what you went through. That was a very hurtful experience, to be sure...and it must be hard searching for some sort of closure,...I am wondering today myself....how do I have closure? I guess it mught help, after I allow myself to cry and grieve for the relationship and man I thought he was, and come to terms with the man he REALLY is......., I am trying to just be grateful to have found all this out now. | |
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| How do you get closure?
Posted: 10/6/2007 7:23:34 PM | | You can think the guy is the most wonderful guy in the world....but, no one ever really knows anyone. I know things that you would never suspect about some of the "nicest" guys in the world. People have all sorts of different sides to them. Also, sometimes feelings change....just the way it goes. | |
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