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Posted: 9/30/2006 1:39:24 PM | I am a single father of 2 kids... shared custody and personally dont have any problem with a potential relationship that involves children. I belive that for those men that do not have children it is a responsibility thing that they feel that all of a sudden they have to be responsible and that their freedom has not just disappeared.... the person without children have problems understanding that "they" do not come first and might have to take a back seat to kids in reference to attention and time... this ultimately I believe is the decision maker for some men and women as well...
For all of us that have kids let me give an example: we have seen our kids grow up from infancy to the present... and as such we have been slowly growing with them, watching them and teaching them... there is a certain amount of pressure and understanding that has to go along with it... we all know that if someone dropped a child who is older by a few years than ours, we would have a problem dealing with them as we are not at that point in time or level of that child... now put yourself into someone elses shoes that doesnt have kids...all of a sudden they are starting fresh with lets say a 10 year old... kind of intimidating dont you think?
Just my 2cents | |
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Posted: 9/30/2006 1:49:43 PM | | I personally do not get "thrown off" when I find out that women have kids, but here is an interesting thing I was talking to a woman at work about being single and she told me that I should avoid single moms as they are carrying too much emotional baggage from their previous relationships... I was quite surprised to hear that coming from a woman, sounds like something a guy would have said... | |
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Posted: 10/1/2006 8:11:27 PM | Greywolf1 - I have to be honest with you. As a woman, they send me packing too! I'm 45 and I'm going to be a grandmother next spring; this I can deal with that a whole lot more than dealing with a potential mate's young ones... I figure that I paid my dues, I contributed to the continuation of human kind, now I'm at an age where I want to enjoy life and I'm lucky enough to have started my family young enough to do so. I was 22 when I had my first (the very next day after the wedding!) now she's 23 and pregnant. I'm so very happy that she choose to have her children at a young age as well. I pity people my age who still have to hire babysitters in order to go out. I'm so free! It's my time to enjoy what's left of my life and I'm young enough to do so. My 22 year old son lives with me, still studying (or else he'd be outta here!) but we live our own lives. I just can't see myself with a 10 year old running around my house. I made enough sacrifices, living with "practical' furniture so we don't freak when the kids use them to but now, I like to surround myself with luxury. I deserve it - I worked hard and etc... but 10 yr olds don't appreciate crystal, nor silk upholstery. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so materialistic that all this comes before family, we do live here but no one eats an ice cream cone and lets it drip on the furniture! What I'm trying to say is that, I lead a very different lifestyle than I did when I was the "Mom" and I don't want to go back there...
Now I'm speaking for a woman of 45 with a full grown family, I can't answer for all the selfish young men out there! 
Realboobstoo | |
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Posted: 10/1/2006 8:13:36 PM | | There is some truth to that unless she's widowed... | |
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Posted: 10/2/2006 10:56:13 AM | | You are awsome. Thanks for saying that. | |
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Posted: 10/2/2006 10:57:39 AM | | sorry, kast message was for TDFTLOW | |
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Posted: 10/14/2006 4:55:30 PM | | i think men just want to be alone with you having kids just puts a damper on things | |
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af895
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Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 33 | |
| Kids????????
Posted: 11/4/2006 7:02:28 AM | A lady friend of mine (Mysterya here on PoF, who coincidentally introduced me to the site) says she won't date a guy who has kids, citing that she's not interested in "insta-family." I have another professional lady friend who's dating a guy with kids and she's struggling with it but trying to make it work. The hesitation isn't a phenomenon limited to men.
I don't think I'd have a problem dating someone with kids. You fall for who you fall for - there's no statute of limitations on that.
But that's me and you asked why "some men" get thrown off. While I can only speak for myself, I'll take a guess at what motivates others.
- feeling they'd have to somehow "support the family" (which I don't get since mother and kids were doing fine before he showed up)
- selfish - wants all her free time to himself (once again, I don't get it)
- not feeling they have a say in how the kids are raised (not your kids!)
*shrugs* My sister is remarried and has two teenage boys. Their family gets along quite well. (usually) | |
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Posted: 11/10/2006 12:29:18 PM | Hi Realboobstoo, thanks i in away agree, i do have 1 son who's 16 i do what i want but my kid will always be first....i havemet men but as soon as they find out i have a kid, it bye bye charle. My son is 16 not 10 and i understand what your saying i sometimes think the same way when i met someone with kids under 10 but i will at least try if i care for that person..
I quess it just hard ..... | |
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Posted: 11/10/2006 12:31:33 PM | Thank you AF895
I really liked what you wrote.....wow thanks again..... | |
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Posted: 11/12/2006 1:41:14 PM | Thought I might give a perspective from someone who loves kids, but unfortunately does not have any of his own.....
I agree with all the various comments made regarding this and here is how I look at it....
If I meet someone who has children, one of the biggest factors I look at is what the relationship is between the mother, the kids and the ex.....
Beginning a relationship is hard enough as it is and if the Ex is jealous, hasn't "let go", is possessive etc....then this will just add more stress and strain.
I fully understand that the child(ren) come first, no matter what.
I really don't mind being alone sometimes. We all need that.
I'm sure some will agree and some won't but jsut thought I'd add my 25 cents worth....
W | |
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Posted: 12/22/2006 3:42:45 PM | | I think the biggest reason guys shy away from women with kids and women from men with kids is that they don't want to get attached emotionally to the person and their kids just to be torn apart if or when things don't work out. I don't know about anyone else but to go all in and find out a relationship wasn't going the way it was predicted I would be more torn up inside at hurting or dissapointing children (mine or not) more than at the dissapointment and hurt of a breakup | |
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Posted: 12/24/2006 4:44:13 AM | | I just wanted to add my two cents and say that when women I am chatting with find out that I have two young children they often run for the hills. I have been told that this time is reserved for them at this stage of their lives and they don't want to be worried about young children. My girls are a handful but I am not looking for a babysitter and it would be great to find a woman with kids to compliment my life. | |
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Posted: 12/26/2006 11:11:01 AM | I split up with my long time girlfriend because she said she did not want to eventually have kids.
So I think it goes both ways on that issue.
Some people really like the idea of kids and a family and some think of them as a burden. | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 9:28:45 AM | | why are some women thrown off when they find out that men have kids......most likely because human nature is to be extremely selfish..... for everything and yes it a turn-off. | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 12:37:27 PM | Hi Grey Wolf :)
It's not so much the "kids" part - it's the complications of starting a new relationship with someone that has kids. I for one don't care at all - kids or no kids - it's how the relationship can evolve, but what's expected from "the new guy" in that kind of situation? Is the question. Dating someone with kids is an entirely different scene. There are pro's and cons with the situation - but they depend on the circumstances.
The Pro's - Most woman with children have a different take on life. They are more serious, responsible, and think less about just themselves - but of others as well. A serious relationship is usually what a woman with children is looking for, after all, does a mother want to bring home a different man every weekend to meet her kids - No.
The Con's - You can't just fall for the "Mom" without accepting the fact that, her priority will be her kids - not you - the kids, no matter what. I'm not saying that's a bad thing - it's to be expected from any good mother. Also, dating a woman with kids also sets up many more limits or boundaries. You can't just expect to see her when you'd like. You just can't show up for a night cap unexpected. Cuddle time and romance will have to be planned. There are just basically alot more rules.
Why They Run - There are many reasons. Lot's of guys and girls just wanna play and have fun with someone they met online. Some are afraid of the responsibilities that might include being a father figure or good example. Some might run just because they want you - but don't like kids. Some have had bad experiences with "Moms" before, including myself - where - The "Mom" would allow the children up at all hours of the night without any control, decipline, or respect. The "Mom" was great - but the kids were Monsters.
Diapers, the smell of baby poop, the crying, the crawling into bed, the extra expences, teen attitudes, arguing, fighting, disrespect, multitasking, ..... I can go on and on, what a man can expect from dating a single mom. It can scare many men that are not experienced in this field, away. It takes a good man and a good mom, to make a relationship like that work.
Finally - I know I haven't covered anywhere near all the possible situations involved with a woman/man with kids - but I think I gave enough insite, for now - as to what can be expected in the situation - and reasons why some run. I'll join in as this thread grows - I know it will - Amazing Topic!
:P | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 7:25:40 AM | Many of the above posters, both male and female, have pointed out valid reasons for not wanting to date or establish a long-term relationship with someone who has kids under the age of 18.
Personally, my reason is the following: Both of my children are now adults and only 1, a son of 22, still lives with me. As a result of my children's age, I have now reacquired my freedom and do not wish to be home bound by dating a man that has young children. Now that my children are adults, I have the time and more possibilities to be thinking of me, of my needs, my desires, my dreams and my personal goals. I can now come and go as I wish and do not want that freedom taken away by my man having parental responsibilities.
Unfortunately, this limits my dating pool considerably but that is a choice I am willing to live with. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 3:42:36 PM | I hesitate to date guys with kids for one reason - the ex. Not saying they're all nasty and bitter, but it is something I'd like to avoid. Of course this isn't written in stone.
Personally decided not to have kids a long time ago, preference, doesn't mean I don't like them, just that I don't want any of my own. I love those that belong to my sister, my friends, and I make a great aunt or "pseudo-aunt". However...at this point in my life....I'm not really too keen on them. Limits the men, but oh well... | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 5:59:29 PM | I agree with TatooedTech's pro's and con's about the situation. I have seen my friends "grow up" and become much less selfish once the family was more than the couple. Kids force people to become more responsible.
The bottom line is that it's much more complicated to start a long-term relationship with someone who has kids. I can't speak for why a guy would run away (TatooedTech gave a lot of good reasons, IMO). But I can tell you why someone like me never comes near in the first place. Relationships are already tough enough. If there are plenty of fish, then why not search for ones that give you the least amount of complication by not already having kids?
Someone said that men are selfish, but I think everyone is selfish, or at least they should not seek extra problems if they want to make a relationship last. Granted, kids would not mean it's impossible, but it surely has to be easier without becoming a step-parent. Surely single women would shy away from men with children for the same reasons I mentioned. | |
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Posted: 4/2/2008 9:33:46 AM | | Speaking from a parent and grandparent point of view...I raised my children and stayed with the father until they were of legal age, so I wouldn't have the drama and headaches of dating with young children. Well that backfired. The adult children are not any better. I believe they feel a sense of betrayal, neglect, even feeling they are second fiddle to a strange man (men). I have learned from past mistakes and do not mix my family life with my social life, therefore, the children/grandchildren do not get upset and try to figure out who's mom is going out with this week/month. If something were to happen that was heading in a very serious direction, in time, the children would be introduced. My question to alot of single parents, is why introduce your child to someone, when in short period of time, that person is gone and a new one appears. It only confuses them and sets the scene for insecurities. I would have no problem dating someone with children, I am dating that person, not his 10 year old daughter or 8 year old son, they might be part of the package, but on the lighter side of dating, it's only between the two parties that one should be concentrating on and not the whole "family" picture. Just my 3 cents worth (inflation you know) | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 8:05:38 AM | | Hi( it's really me,) i just want to say i agree with you i would advise my date that i have a child but would never introduce them to he/she until i knew where it could be going. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 2:23:36 PM | Hi all
Very interesting topic you have going here. Most of all I see both men and women have there reasons for why not to date someone with kids.
Personaly I have been there and done it and let me tell you its no party espeicaly when the kids are just turning into teens.
Having said that, if I met someone and we were getting along well and had kids I would not run from a relationship. Noone should keep it a secret it should be right out in front that there are kids. As for the meeting of the kids that should only be later on when you know its working well between both of you and then maybe start by going out to a restaurant for a nice easy meal. This way there is no presure on anyone and then later you can talk about it and find out what there fealings are.
Dont forget if your child feels unconfortable around this other person something must be wrong.
WOW Dr Joe here LOL
PS : Im still looking for Ms right with or with out kids.  | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 7:29:57 AM | | Wondering why the hypocrite is on here posting and pretending he doesn't have any children. Does he really think people don't know? | |
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Posted: 6/21/2008 2:23:39 PM | From the perspective of a single guy with no children of my own, I can say that, for myself, if I am going to take a backseat in my lover's life for her children (as it should be), it better be OUR child that I am bumped down the priority list for.
That may be insensitive, but I don't think I am alone in this belief. | |
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since there are several of us men who posted here and say we don't have kids 
and we are not all fibbing.