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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 8:04:30 AM | ^^^ Ditto.
Intelligence is a huge turn on, but only when coupled with emotional intelligence - for me. And a bit of street smarts - nothing worse than an intelligent person who has no feelings, and has never had to fight in life, has never really lived life.
I love being taught and introduced to new things, I do not like being lorded over... | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 8:08:30 AM | BTW... anyone notice that the original date of this thread is august of 2006? ?
THIS is a prime example of what's wrong with the "must search for old threads" philosophy of this site (ostensibly to "save drive space"?). How many people are really going to dig back through 20 pages of commentary from two years ago to see if they might be duplicating someone else's comments?
And for a dating site...? How many of these people are still even around, and/or single? Makes no (ahem) intelligent sense to me..... | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 8:12:56 AM | i think intelligence is a wonderful thing to have.. can give a wider scope to understanding, to working out problems, suggesting new ideas and possibilities.. however, i can see that it could be a problem in relationships if it's "lorded" over others or used to make other people feel inferior..
intelligence combined with empathy, now there's a combination
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 8:24:15 AM | | gee, and here I thought everyone on here was intelligent...at least from the profiles...personally,I think intuitive is interesting,can be intersting,coupled with intelligences...depends on what your needs are at the moment...opposites attract too,but also,everyone should have some pluses that are useable..like resourcefulness,practicality,good judgement,and yes,there has to be some smarts for these too,but not necessarily book learning or credentials.if you respect someone for their qualities,whatever they are,you become attracted to them,and,usually they are qualities that you lack in yourself...personally,I'm a dumb blonde...so what do I know..looking for a smart brunette,red head?... | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:01:39 AM | There's multiple intelligence theory...
Most kind of intelligence is a TURN_ON for me.. musical, bodily/kinesthetic, linguistic, naturalistic, logical/mathematical, intrapersonal, interpersonal...
Being manipulative and controlling in a relationship is not a sign of intelligence though... means poor interpersonal and/or intrapersonal intelligence. It's an attitude problem that needs attention to not cause relational problems. If people tells you you're like this, try to introspect and read personality development books (they are everywhere), or see a psych if you want. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:09:57 AM | As you suggest, IQ and EQ (emotional quotient) are very different. At times those with high IQ's can get stuck in the head and unable to feel or be fully present. There are individuals with both high IQ's and high emotional intelligence. As with many gifts a high IQ can be both a blessing and a curse.
Ironically, the capacity of the heart is as great as the brain; when exercised it can learn to connect, bond, feel, give and receive love. In our society, the brain and a high IQ is applauded and little done to develop the emotions and heart ... yes, indeed this can lead to isolation for all concerned. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:14:20 AM | | Lemme tell ya, a smart man is a turn-ON for me! I don't know where you're finding your women, but you must be looking in all the wrong places. Dis the dummies and seek out us intelligent women. Unless you're not wanting a smart woman...? | |
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| To thine own self be true.
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:23:04 AM | Shakespeare once quipped, "This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."
The question isn't about intelligence. The question is about admitting who you are.
The more sophisticated a person is then the more exacting the needs. The more particulars to match, the less number in the potential mate pool. The simple needs are easily paired.
If your needs are simple, say just to survive, then you'll find the pool of eligible mates the largest imaginable as the qualifications are few. The uneducated outnumber the educated and the uneducated marry young.
Given an intelligent person has better financial prospects than on average (college educated, etc.), then an intelligent person is very attractive to the survival pool.
So face it, you've already ruled out the survival pool for yourself. You want more than someone to take of you, the average person who watches 40 hours of TV per week, etc.
Given then one has already excluded a certain pool, you obviously have eliminated those who would have you for survival (provider) purpose alone, then the question really isn't about intelligence, but choice of requirements beyond survival.
It's about choice. Who are you choosing.
For example, on my profile you'll find that a "first date" for me will be virtual. I'm looking forward to reading a book and having an on-line discussion about it before meeting with said women in the real world. Now, ask yourself, how many women are willing to go this route? Men? The answer is few, very few, maybe none. But there is a reason for my suggesting this. As an intellectual I want someone who is completely capable of going toe-to-toe with me in written communication. Confidence of the highest order. Emotional introspection that can go beyond physical chemistry. My last girlfriend and I wrote to each other for six-months before meeting in the real world, and we did so over long distances. How many people here have emotional capacity to carry on a long distance relationship? Have the emotional capacity, want the emotional capacity, to do such a thing? Was she turned-off or intimidated by my intelligence? Hardly. Was she put off by my ability to wage the written word? No? Why? Because I choose to approach of coming together commensurate with who I am. Trust me, if you don't "know yourself" very well a conversation with me can be very unnerving unless one is of a similar frame of mind.
The answer then to your question is this. You've obviously figured out how to filter out those who are grossly misaligned with your mate expectations due to a lack of qualities like intelligence. Now you need to figure out how to attract with the written word the birds of a feather. You need to garner better writing skills in order to attract those to whom would appreciate who you really are, both in intelligence, emotion and physical.
Remember, the more sophisticated your situation, then the smaller pool of possible mates and the more work required to find a mate. Ask yourself, how much effort does POF really represent on your part? And sophisticated doesn't just correlate to intelligence. One could also have special circumstances like physical or family needs that require admitting exceptional effort is required for finding a mate. To be true to yourself then one needs to ask how specific really are my mate needs relative to the norm? If they are very specific then realize you will need to work harder and put more effort into it then those who's needs are fairly banal.
Good luck! | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:24:13 AM | I have often wondered how intelligence is defined. Especially when people try and tell me that I'm intelligent, which only makes me laugh and then makes me think that they must be a bit daft, (as I'm not intelligent in the traditional sense of the word, for sure!), and therefore I sense that they rank me somewhere above them on a sliding scale of perceived intelligence?
I have always said that intelligence is the key of life, but how do we define intelligence and how do we go about achieving it? (Or are we born with it?).
I don't like doctor spock examples of logic, reasoning, and storing away of facts to be re-used at a later time..
I prefer someone to have lived a little, and can see the world for how it really is, has a mind of their own, probes, and asks simple questions that actually provoke deep answers.
Emotional intelligence is also more important to me than an IQ test score, but the most important thing of all for me, I guess.. is that they need to be streetwise. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:32:07 AM | As it happens, if we are talking about relationships, then EQ should really be 90% of the kind of intelligence we are concerned about.
I've had someone tell me that the expectations in my profile are dauntingly high (as if it was complicated). I especially went out of my way to say that there were no rules (I know, not the same). I even start out by taking the piss out of profiles that do - just to make my point.
The frustrating thing is, you can talk to people who have the potential to easily grasp the ideals you are talking about, but then they limit themselves - arrggggh! They say "oh, that's above my head".
For me, it's simple. If you want happiness, JUST TAKE IT! Stop making it more complicated than it needs to be.
awareness/choices/effort => all driven by ideals
measure your progress by comparing where you are to where you used to be and see how far you've come. Don't compare where you are to your ideal (horizon) or you will be an unhappy camper. Then learn, make better choices, apply more effort and refine your ideals.
It isn't rocket science and has nothing to do with your IQ.
I believe intelligent people can simply choose to provide a safe environment for this maturity cycle to iterate. Acute manipulation (deprivation of your partner's freedom) doesn't automatically have to become part of the inteligent person's modus operandi. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:56:56 AM | Intelligence, as with any natural gift, can be used as a source for joy or pain.
Someone once quipped, and you'll have to pardon if I forgot the source, "Together we are alike in happiness, individually unique in our pain."
Point being that kisses, wine, dancing and music are shared happinesses that bring us together and thus it is rather obvious that is the thing to publish on dating sites like POF. Our pain, our misfortunes, define us uniquely and oft times in ways not of our own choosing. Our sufferings then can be the most challenging to identify with and that which is most unattractive. So we choose not to put them on POF.
With regards to intelligence or any natural blessing then, the question is do you personally view this only as a source of joy? or perhaps equally as a source of pain?
Gary Larson drew a cartoon about intelligence which to this day I find very fitting. The panel depicted three scientists in lab coats, glasses and balding heads. One of the scientists was writing an equation on the chalkboard. Another was yelling "great hands" and the third was yelling "good job."
The humor of course is that anyone who has spent time in the dog-eat-dog, competitiveness of academia knows that intellectuals are typically mean, vicious and ugly when competing. They do not typically "cheer" each other on. Thus, Larson's ability to draw said cartoon and get a chuckle out of us all.
The question you need to ask yourself then is this. Is intelligence a source of pain in your relationship with anyone else? If so, why do you think your behavior of intellectually will invoke a different response in a any other relationship?
For my own self, when I do spend time with academics I can easily hold my own competitively. In terms of "dog-eat-dog", my talents are not wanting. I understand that and try as a I might to mute it, that this behavior carries over into other areas of my life. I understand this. But academia, like business and politics, requires it. If you can't fight-the-fight, don't step into the arena.
So the kind of person, mate, I'm looking for is just as capable as I am in competing in business, academia and politics. I understand who she will be, who I am and our behavior regarding our intelligence would not bode well most people. Most people don't want to in business, politics or academia, let alone all three, precisely because competing is a tough racket. Few people have the character of a George Washington to be competitive and remain congenial. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:29:50 AM | From my perspective intelligence is only a curse in a relationship if a person deliberately hides the fact they have any because they learned somewhere along the line that playing dumb makes them seemingly more popular.
I didn't go to either junior or senior kindergarten, although originally I started out in a house full of much older adults with much to offer in the way of culture, art, building, world affairs...even science fiction. Some of it sank in through environmental osmosis.
When I started grade one they put me in the 'D' class because they assumed I'd be in trouble without a kindergarten background. Was soon moved up to the 'A' but settled in for the rest of the year in 'B'. That's just how it was done back then.
Won a 'best general improvement award' and stayed in 'A' or 'B' until I moved out of the province. When I arrived here at a new school I soon learned that "nobody likes a browner" and I pretty much manipulated the system enough to stay likeable until I went back to school as an adult. Then it was f^ck 'em and Dean's List all the way!
I don't want a relationship with an expert however. Some have no more to their personalities than their field of study. They hide behind it. But I can understand a wide variety of things if a person is willing to take the time to tell me about what these may be.
In fact the award I won as a kid was a book prize called 'Tell Me Some More'...not toss me a line of bull sh!t mind you, just tell me some more. Who says you can't be in a relationship where the mentoring is a two-way street anyway? | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:42:15 AM | How are you rating intelligence? Book smarts, life smarts, POF smarts? Or lack of them 
"What about manipulative and controlling? I think intellectuals have a great capability of manipulating and engineering a relationship, often in extremely subtle ways."
From what I read, your characteristics of intillectuals sounds more like insecure gamey people with agendas. Even stupid people have those and the ability to wield the I'm a smartypants stick. Usually smart people don't need those tools to peak someones curiosity or interest.
Myself I find smart men very attractive, intoxicating even, just don't like it when they find themselves superior to others because of it. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 11:12:33 AM | RE: First post.
True intelligence should go hand in hand with objectivity, comprehension and instinct. Having those three things makes any kind of romantic interraction difficult... for your mate that is. No one likes to hear the truth. No one likes it when you know what they're really thinking. No one likes it when you guess their motives with amazing accuracy. I found the solution years and years ago. Just shut up. Yep! ^_^ Its that easy. I dont use big words around my dates. I dont spout off about articles etc. I dont wax philosophic. If they do it first, then I take that as my cue and go with it. Oh and by the gods, do NOT correct them when they make an erroneus statement, about anything. That pisses them off like nothing else. Wish I could meet a woman approaching my level of intelligence. It would be quite refreshing.
Also maybe women arent particularily interested in intelligence, but a healthy intellect leads to a great sense of humor, fantastic thoughtfulness and understanding. Three traits that women appear to appreciate. ^_^ So its cool. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 11:13:49 AM | Has anyone ever noticed, how many smart cookies are on this site? Men and Women. I for one don't think it's just a proportionate number. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, they just naturally gravitate to the forums.
If you're stupid, why would you bother reading this stuff? Why not just keep looking for dates?
But I have read articles, that suggest, apparently many women are not particularly turned-on by intelligent men.
In Brunel's time, women sought out intelligent men, because intelligence meant success. In today's world, we have become almost completely dependent on technology, which was developed by intelligent people, and thus requires such people to properly maintain it. So we now fear the great dependence that we have on intelligent people. So there has been a mass publicity drive, by the majority of non-intelligent people, to discourage intelligent people from becoming too successful.
Are intellectual types too wrapped up in themselves, too full of themselves, in other words, too Egocentric?
Quite the reverse. We live in a culture that teaches that power exists independently of responsibility, and as I have have said above, we are only now heavily dependent on intelligent people, something that hasn't occurred for the last 4000 years. That gives intellectuals incredible power, and our culture encourages power without responsibility. That is enough to make anyone corrupted by power. Because of this, we have stymied the ability of intellectuals to make a real difference in society, and thus, we have tried to play games with the people who will help us most, and that has confused intellectuals a lot.
What about manipulative and controlling? I think intellectuals have a great capability of manipulating and engineering a relationship, often in extremely subtle ways. And usually, I might add, resulting in failure!
This is quite true. But no-one can make you do anything you don't want to do. Also, the fact is that many, many players are not that intelligent. So such an attitude fosters fear. As we all know, if you fear something enough, you will end up pushing yourself into it. So this manipulation results from fear of the consequences of manipulation, which comes from a false belief in our ability to control our environment, and a false belief in the lack of our ability to control ourselves. The control does not exist. It is our desire to lack control that creates such abuse and manipulation in relationships.
Do they have unrealistic projections and expectations?
Society has unrealistic projections and expectations of intellectuals. It expects them to act as great wizards to solve their problems, and absent-minded scholars when it comes to getting paid and getting credit for their inventions. As a result, intellectuals are told they are brilliant, but then told they are useless in business and relationships. Such a system of indoctrination dooms them to believe that they are only the "friend who never gets a date", and the "scientist whose inventions are only ever used for war". So they are never listened to when by men who want a relationship but don't know how to attract the woman they want, and by women who want a relationship but don't know how to encourage their man to stay. So no-one in society gets a happy relationship, because the only people with the smarts to know what to do are never listened to.
Are many intellectuals doomed to be forever frustrated, isolated and alone?
No. To belong is to be needed by others, if only to keep others amused with one's conversation, but often, for much, much more. To belong is therefor to acknowledge one's rightful place in society. For intellectuals, that is at the top, in a class of their own, at the right hand of every leader, but being so important to such leaders, that the leader may be replaced easily, but the intellectual cannot be replaced. So, in many respects, the intellectual is more important than the President, for the President knows only what he wants to achieve. The intellectual is the person who tells the President how to achieve it. There is always someone who wants to achieve something. But there are very few people who can tell you how to do it, and that is the real power.
As long as intellectuals believe that they don't have the real power in society, they will buy the BS indoctrination of society, and never demand what is rightfully theirs. In that case, they will be regarded as unnecessary for society, and because they require time, effort and money as do all people, they are viewed as a drain on society. Added to that, others know they hold the real power, so they are feared. So they are isolated because others fear them. They are alone, because no-one wants to be drained by them. They are frustrated, because people don't want to give them what they want, in case they get drunk with power.
Once any intellectual realises that he/she holds the reins, he/she can wield it at will. He/she can give information at will, can withhold it when it is most needed, and bargain with it for a fair price. He asserts his value to society, and this his rightful place. He shows that he is needed, far more than others. So others value him. He is no longer isolated, because he reminds others that they need him, but he doesn't need them, so they must keep near him for when he chooses to give the merest bit of his knowledge and intellect, for which others will gladly pay a heavy price. He is no longer alone, because others want him around, for what they might gain by his sparks of wisdom. He is no longer frustrated, for he now shows others what happens when he is denied his rightful due, that they struggle and fail, as a result of him not sharing his information. So people no longer fear HIM. They fear what happens if he is not around or not willing to share his information. So they make sure he gets what he needs out of life.
What can they do to change? A frontal lobotomy, is probably not an acceptable option!
Remember the words of Paul Muad 'Dib Atriedes:
The power to destroy a thing is the absolute control over it. The power of the intellect is to destroy a thing, by simply withholding the knowledge that may save it.
Acknowledge that others need the intellectual to survive. But the intellectual does not need them. Others will not learn, but seek his answers. He will learn what they do for himself. So he will grow, from an acorn to a mighty Oak tree, and they will always bask in his splendour. But like the reed, he will survive all disasters. When his tree is felled by the hurricane, he will plant his acorn in another field, and grow again. The others will be felled, and will wait for him to plant their seeds in another field.
The intellectual needs but a little, and his intellect will make the rest. Everyone else relies on him to show them how to do everything.
So the intellectual is both admired and feared. He is the true leader of society. He must acknowledge his responsibility and his debt, not to society, but to life, for giving him the gift to grow beyond his means. He must realise that every time he is denigrated, he is not attacked. His knowledge and intellect is denigrated instead. As a result, society devalues the thing it needs the most, and therefore turns inward and decays. It is his awesome debt to life to remind others of the value of his knowledge and true intellect, and to ensure that they pay him what his knowledge is truly worth to them, not to him, and to deny them such knowledge, until they learn to respect him, nor for himself, but for the knowledge they must respect, in order to survive.
He is not the pauper.
He is not the prince.
He is the king in truth.
The "king" is merely his mouthpiece.
He is the one who makes the awesome judgements that make society rise and fall.
He must realise how important he is, and act with all of that importance.
Only then, will society truly gain the value of civilisation that is built upon his awesome knowledge and intellect, and once society values him, society will happily give him what he needs and wants to be happy, which in the case of most true intellectuals, is far less than most people gain by what he has to give.
One example: POF would simply not exist without intellectuals to develop the computers, the operating systems, the website programs, the internet, and even the power systems that give them the electricity to run it.
If the intellectual wishes for a lobotomy, all he needs to do is just act like everyone else: like a man without a brain. If he wishes to act with intellect, then he must accept that he is the true leader of society. If he does not, the he wields power without responsibility, and that power will ultimately consume him. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 11:38:09 AM | | Ive found alot of folks generally manipulatative as you have suggested, they are educated, intelligent and dont know a thing about common sense or living in the real world. All the book learning they have accumulated is stuck somewhere in the emptyness between the brain and the mind. Finding someone with common sense and a sense of humor, who at least can apply the knowledge they have learned is something we should all look for. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 11:49:00 AM | see for most men I've found that smart women are a turn off. or maybe it's just me - ha! being destined for academe I don't find most intellectuals manipulative nor do I find them lacking in common sense. but I DO know that the more intelligent you are the smaller the circle of people you can interact with becomes. for me - smart guys = amazing. hard to find them in my age bracket though - ha! there also is a difference between a person being intelligent and being that arrogant nerdy kid who was picked on a lot in high school and is now seeking revenge. you know..like those sarcastic profiles and the going on and on and on about books and what not. there is a way to be intelligent without being overbearing and overly intimidating (says the girl with the literary theorist user name). just saying is all.
p.s talking in forums scares the living daylights out of me - and I've presented papers at southwest mla as an undergrad. not NEARLY as scary. believe me. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 1/11/2008 12:54:30 PM | Personally, Ive been holding out for an intelligent man...the fact that I havent found him yet confirms that they do not exist lol
simply a myth, figment of my imagination...like the unicorn or the dancing green banana | |
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