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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:00:06 PM | This is kind of an interesting topic. Its got me thinking. I get people telling me I'm smart, creative, funny, nice and even attractive. But I can't say I have a whole lot of men banging down my door.
I would date someone who had a lower intelligence than me provided they pandered more to my feely side. However, a certain level of awareness/intelligence is required because I would like to actually have a conversation with the person.
Its odd being a female in the situation. There are all kinds of societal roles which tell us that we are to be protected and taken care of by our mate. Where I tend to be pretty logical, I do actually kind of like that person that can bring out my feely side. At the same time though, I still want that protector and sometimes guys who can pander to my feely side don't always appeal to me in that sense.
Other things matter too like tenacity, independence, and ability to actually use those gifts you were given.
If I were to offer any advice to an intelligent guy it would be to get in touch with those illogical feelings of yours. There is a certain feeling type of logic I used to dismiss and it hurt my relationships. I know I have to act a bit more feely sometimes too.
As to seeking out other gifted people. I'm only now learning this. I just thought I was supposed to feel this kind of isolation. Now I realize there are more people out there like me, I just have to find them because its important. Not only for the stimulation but it also helps you keep a more level-head. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:41:05 PM | Personally, I was classified as gifted at a young age, everything came pretty easy for me in school and after spending most of my teenage years trying to do everything in my power to not be seen as a 'brain' or nerd I simply accepted the fact that for some reason - I intuitively 'get' it - and 'it' could be almost anything. BUT....what I have realized only recently (and only be doing a great amount of personal work - mostly letting go of things I THOUGHT I KNEW) was this
Intellectualism can be used as a way to avoid feelings sometimes...the rationalization process is used to separate out the knower from the known causing a split in the psyche and providing distance from certain feelings/experiences. People who are smart are usually hyper sensitive, which gives them the ability to 'sense' things and understand things quicker. When things get to emotional, or their hypersensitivity gets triggered, many people intellectualize it as a nervous system response to the shock/trauma. The distance provided by removing yourself from the feelings involved allow for you to split yourself off from actually feeling the emotions and thus, you imagine that you have the 'space' to make an 'educated' decision and of course..can rationalize almost anything.
This can interfere with your relationship to yourself or in primary relationships with others because in order to do this you must SEPARATE yourself from not only yourself (your emotions) but from others as well.
It is this idea of separation, which breeds the ideas of "No one gets me", "I am too smart for my own good", and "Why the hell can't you understand me!" that creates and perpetuates the illusion of loneliness and 'being different'. The truth is that at the core...we are all the same and can all be as smart, brilliant etc as we choose to be - it is only our personal beliefs that limit our capacity for knowledge, wisdom and understanding.
True intelligence comes from the heart not the head - when the two can work in tandem knowing that they are always connected to everyone and everything, true wisdom abounds.
And really it is wisdom...that I consider to be the sexiest thing in a prospective partner. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 7:55:49 PM | To begin with, I don’t believe a true intellectual would have even posed these questions. They would have considered the responses inane. That being said, I have known the following:
1. Scholars that called an electrician because a light bulb blew and a computer tech because their computer wasn’t working. They never considered that the solutions were simple. Change the bulb and plug the computer back into the electrical outlet. They over-looked the obvious simple, common sense answers, as scholars and philosophers are apt to do.
2. Men and women that are brilliant with mechanical devices but can’t balance a cheque book to save their lives. (Canadian spelling).
3. Artists that can make you weep, laugh, love, muse and critique. They are creative geniuses that are at a loss discussing politics. It’s just not in them.
When it comes to intellect and relationships, people who align with someone that shares the same passions, hobbies, likes, dislikes and life philosophies are the winners in the relationship game. They at least have a fighting chance of life long stimulating conversations, challenging interactions, growth and lasting friendships with their mate. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:07:19 PM | I find this whole thread rather confusing.
You can tell all *sorts* of things from how a person talks, his wording, etc.
An artist will tend to talk differently from a techie. A writer will talk differently from a mechanic.
And guess what? "Smart" people talk differently from "not so smart" people.
If I decide to fill my profile with musings on string theory, or a dissertation on the tactical advantages enjoyed by the Germans over the Russians at the battle of Kursk, it doesn't make me arrogant or egotistical, or full of myself. It makes me socially inept - unless I happen to be trying to attract a theoretical physicist or a history major.
Why the bloody hell should somebody who's smart try to hide it out of fear of hurting somebody else's feelings? We don't hide that we're fat, skinny, tall short, blonde, redhead, male, female, or any of a bunch of other traits.
The only thing I see in this thread is that people who are smart should dumb down how they speak or appear to please others. That's nothing more than reverse elitism. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:13:46 PM | I was right, there are a lot of very smart people around here. Much smarter then me anyway! I like a woman, that can pull me up intellectually!
The hypersensitivity issue is certainly something I didn't expect anyone to bring up, but very true, in my case anyway.
Most of the discussion still centred around compatibility.
I still maintain that intellect can be at least partially responsible for creating a relationship that is doomed to failure, because it was kind of created artificially. The better one can process information, the more likely that one can attract and not repel a mate. It's an intellectual skill, of sorts, I would say.
As far as genuine goes. Buying a drink for a lady, is usually done with a motive in mind
as well. It's not about satisfying her thirst! Same thing with intellectual strategies! | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:16:34 PM | Well OP, Im intelligent enough to manipulate, but also enough to know manipulation, could get you past sex, and even if it did, whats the piont its not genuine, and a relationship would never last if it was started through manipulation!
There are so many other qualitys to be seen in a person, intelligence is a good 1 , but if feelings are there, but lack of intelligence, is an easy thing to overlook, not intentionally, but no1s perfect! But in the case of my ex, it became redundant to constantly spell out words for her , and read something she had wrote, it was painful. But again the love was there for other reasons.
Given the option, I'd like to date an intelligent woman, but its not a priority, its about a feeling and how we make each other feel.
Finally, personally im not egocentric, I do realise im intelligent, and love to hold up a political or religious debate (arguement lol),but I'll never look down upon a person with lack thereof, b/c who am I to judge? | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:20:39 PM | 'Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?'
HAHAHA I am sorry this title is just cracking me up. Oh the drama. I can Imagine someone with their hand on their forehead saying this with a pained expression on their face. "Ohhh I am cursed....whatever will I do...I am too intelligent".....hehehe.
OP. Just kidding with ya...it just struck me as funny. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:29:48 PM | Intelligence is often subjective. One person might feel that another is intelligent if they can complete the TV Guide Cross Word Puzzle while another might not settle for less than a Nobel or Pulizter prize contender. Then of course there are "book smart" people and "street wise" people. Truly, I don't think anyone you'd ask would ever say they want to date or be in a relationship with someone that's stupid, do you?
I've known many people that I wouldn't exactly classify as intelligent that are obnoxiously self centered & very wrapped up in themselves. Being ego centric doesn't involve intelligence. It just involves being insensitive to others.
Just because one is intelligent also doesn't mean they are manipulative or can engineer a relationship any better or worse than someone that uses their looks or money or other personal assets to do the same. And....We ALL have some unrealistic projections and expectations at times.
As for woman not liking intelligent men...it's no truer than men not liking intelligent women.
If you lack self esteem, you'll never date someone you think is smarter or more intelligent.
I've had mixed feelings from guys that I've dated. Most loved the fact that I'm "no dope". They could converse with me on many topics, and were never embarrassed by me when out with friends. Others, like my ex-husband, had such low self esteem that my intelligence was a turn off. I recall an argument with my ex in which I asked "Do you want me to take a 'stupid pill' every morning so you feel better about yourself"? He answered "yes"....well, there you have it!
As for actually taking a "stupid pill" if they ever invented one, or that lobotomy - no way. Why would I ever want to do that? | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:35:32 PM | I'd have to say that intelligence would only be a problem if there is an incompatibility there between two people. There are all different kinds of smart; book smart, street smart, mechanically smart etc. As long as both parties have something to bring to the table and present a challenge to the other, they have a shot. For me, I'd be much more interested in an average looking woman who was intelligent, than a beauty who was dumber than a box of doorknobs.
I do have to say OP, seems like you are stuck on this whole manipulation thing in the relationship...and yes, I can see that while that word has negative connotations, that wasn't necessarily what you meant. But being able to manipulate someopne in a relationship presupposes that the one party is easily manipulated. It makes intelligent people sound like evil calculating geniuses, like a Bond villian or something...lol | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:47:53 PM | Now lest I appear like the worlds most EVIL VILLIAN for even suggesting such theories.
I see considerable manipulation in many relationships using money, sex,
or the withholding of it, silent treatments and a host of other manipulation tactics. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 8:57:40 PM | Well intelligence is relative because I do believe there are different types of intelligence. I guess the type of intelligence I tend to gravitate towards is that intuitive kind. I'm starting to figure out how to pick them out too. This may seem simple to those who have spent time around other intuitive types but not all have. I'm just now learning about these common similarities.
So far, here are some of the similar characteristics I've noticed with other intuitives.
1. varied interests. We tend to like to conquer new things either through tenacious mastery or natural ease
2. you'll find these certain types usually are comfortable with "Big Pictures" and theory
3. usually have at least an above average technical ability
4. usually have some creative talents on the side such as music/art or even things like database development
5. they felt "different" as children. Most I know felt ashamed of it as child but grew to admire it in themselves as adults. Maybe this is where the arrogance comes from.
6. being extreme. Like overly meticulous or disconnected from their environment (day dreamer)
7. sometimes may suffer from a social or anxiety disorders (or both). They tend to be hyper if not in body then in mind. To others it appears very intense.
8. the word "connections" has an almost religious signficance
9. we tend to excel at anything that interests us....we are interested in a lot of things.
10. a dislike for the unnecessary
P.S. They knew I was gifted but had no idea how to control or focus me. Basically I was older before I taught myself to focus.
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 10:54:59 PM | I think Nishima and sexysouleyes made some interesting comments.
maybe a curse if you can not give your all to someone because you need to keep some things to yourself to understand them, and the perks of having intelligent conversation with someone "on your level" should be that you are more curious about them as a result.
The whole process, would anyone be willing to change, should make it fair and equal regardless of reasonable difference in intelligence. Nerdy brain power is like tennis, conversation goes back and forth, and most people can learn to play if they work at it. Most intellectuals are practiced, not gifted. Lame analogy, but it's true I think. The dynamic of relationships and compatability is too complex to ask that straight question.
Are egg shells a curse in omlettes? I think so. That's an easier one | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 11:15:11 PM | Of course it is... just ask anyone on here and they'll mention having been 'stupid' in the past to have been with so-and-so... When we're stupid - we overlook the obvious...
Show me an intelligent person and i'll show you a single person! | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 11:33:21 PM |
Why do I get the feeling because I'm smart AND tall I'm kind of doomed?
Well, I like you! I love intelligent women and tall women. Too big pluses.
I am getting used to being the dummy in the room. Cause I am very attracted to intelligence, and most of the people I hang with are genius level. I drive them nuts. I am bright, but no genius.
My saving grace is that I have spawned three geniuses. God knows how. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/8/2006 11:39:10 PM |
Well intelligence is relative because I do believe there are different types of intelligence. I guess the type of intelligence I tend to gravitate towards is that intuitive kind. I'm starting to figure out how to pick them out too. This may seem simple to those who have spent time around other intuitive types but not all have. I'm just now learning about these common similarities.
So far, here are some of the similar characteristics I've noticed with other intuitives.
1. varied interests. We tend to like to conquer new things either through tenacious mastery or natural ease
2. you'll find these certain types usually are comfortable with "Big Pictures" and theory
3. usually have at least an above average technical ability
4. usually have some creative talents on the side such as music/art or even things like database development
5. they felt "different" as children. Most I know felt ashamed of it as child but grew to admire it in themselves as adults. Maybe this is where the arrogance comes from.
6. being extreme. Like overly meticulous or disconnected from their environment (day dreamer)
7. sometimes may suffer from a social or anxiety disorders (or both). They tend to be hyper if not in body then in mind. To others it appears very intense.
8. the word "connections" has an almost religious signficance
9. we tend to excel at anything that interests us....we are interested in a lot of things.
10. a dislike for the unnecessary
P.S. They knew I was gifted but had no idea how to control or focus me. Basically I was older before I taught myself to focus.
Well, Polly, you just gave my self-esteem a boost! You described me to a tee.
Thanks for making my day! | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/9/2006 12:42:49 AM | I gave this thread topic a bit more consideration as I was perusing the forums. I think practically any given attribute can be seen as a "curse" in a relationship/life if a person is insecure or has a negative attitude about how another might perceive them. Some people complain all of the time that they are too beautiful,intelligent,wealthy ,ect to get a date or have a serious relationship,when in reality,its glaringly obvious that its their own negative attitude twards a particular trait they possess thats causing the real issues.Negativity is highly unattractive as is excessive insecurity.If a person is highly intelligent,and attractive but they expect others to shun them because of it,its sort of a self fulfilling prophesy in the end.Whether a person is freaking brilliant and hot as all heck,or average looking and not quite Einstein...I say just be happy with yourself,embrace who you are, and life will be much spiffier:)  | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/9/2006 2:06:01 AM | "But you actually can't call anyone in real life or on the POF forums an idiot unless you are fat or ugly or a single parent or over 40 or a minority or a homosexual or a woman. The weak of our society, the people who should have been wiped out by natural selection long ago have whined, cried and sued their way into dominance. The meek don't have the common sense to inherit the Earth, they'll just wipe the rest of us out slowly with political correctness and lawyers. "
Oh boy, I don't know what to do here. I feel as though I shouldn't respond because as it stands I am a fat, single parent, woman, in college, and therefore should have been wiped out by natural selection long time ago (because hey, I couldn't possibly have a brain too  ).
but oh well here goes anyways. I spent eight and a half years of my life with a man who I had two children with but was dumb as a post. I have to say that I don't think I can go there again, however, I am not so sure I can handle someone of deep intelligence either. I say this because of a couple of things....
#1-I do not always act like the smartest person in the world because I don't think I need to use my intelligence as a weapon or to show it off like it is something that makes me superior. I know I am smart enough and that is all that matters. Because of this, I find some people treat me like I am an idiot and are surprised when I bring out the brains and show them they are there. I really don't like that feeling. It makes me feel like I have to prove something.
#2-I tend to keep me (the real me I mean) to myself and will show others that person when I am ready to (an unfortunate aspect of my baggage that I am working on but is still hanging in there), not that the person that others see isn't me, just that it is the me without the emotional parts. I find that an intelligent man sees into that part of me and makes me face things before I am ready and it unnerves me. It doesn't ruin the relationship because they are smart, it gets ruined because I get scared. I am very unnerved by a person who knows me and how I think and will tell me when I am bullshitting him with how I feel. (not that I lie in a relationship, I am talking feelings wise only)
I would love to change that part of me as I truly do value a man with a set of brains on him too. I like the comfort felt with someone who is smart and enjoy the ease of the conversations when you can talk about many different things as opposed to only one or two subjects. I find that it makes the time together higher in quality and keeps each of you on your toes. It opens doors for the interests and opens doors for other things as well. I hope in this next year of schooling I can grow more within myself to be able to let go of that last bit of baggage as I feel it would open these opportunities up for me | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/9/2006 2:14:54 AM | | I think that most intelligent men don't get women because we over think. We try to hard to get the woman to like us that it makes women think we are weird. It is hard for us to go with the flow because we always think of what could go wrong. | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/9/2006 3:37:58 AM |
(Msg 125) I would love to change that part of me as I truly do value a man with a set of brains on him too.
A "set" of brains? I've never heard it put quite like that before.  | |
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| Is Intelligence A Curse In Relationships?
Posted: 8/9/2006 4:05:29 AM | Yes, it is. Intelligence is truly a double-edged sword... it's both a curse and a blessing.
I am rather intelligent. I say this not to brag, but because I have been told so by a number of other people. A child psychologist estimated me to be in the "Genius" range (140+ IQ) when I was a small child. I am also an INFJ, if you're into Jung. It's the rarest personality type- INFJs only comprise about 1% of the population.
When you're intelligent, it's difficult to relate to other people. You're on a completely different wavelength. I'll admit that I've had some women really like me because I'm intelligent, but I've also had many more of them ignore or reject me. One woman actually told me that I was "too intellectual" for her! I kid you not. It wasn't because I was overwhelming her with pretentious diction either- I try to be conscientious about being down-to-earth and friendly- it was mainly because I typed complete sentences with coherent thoughts on AIM. Seriously, I'm not trying to be insulting here- she truly was not accustomed to that! She expressed frustration with me because I did not type instantaneous two or three word replies.
Additionally, it's particularly trying for intelligent men to relate to women, because women are often absorbed with their social lives. Women usually like chitchatting about daily life and other people, which is quite tedious for intelligent men, if not even men in GENERAL. Intelligent men would rather discuss an interest, hobby, favorite author, or practically ANYTHING besides small talk!
Personally, the majority of my social behavior has been learned through years of practice, and it still takes constant effort to maintain and improve it. I don't think social people realize how draining it is for non-social people to interact with others. For those who being social does not come naturally, it requires mentally equipping yourself with your best a***nal of studied behaviors, analyzing logical directions for the discussion to proceed, and planning verbal moves a step or two ahead so you can keep the conversation going. It's as taxing as taking an exam, complete with the threat of passing or failing.
It seems like it would be easier for intelligent women, provided they are reasonably nice-looking and not excessively overweight (I'm not talking about a few pounds, I mean 25+ pounds over relative ideal weight). Men generally always like an attractive woman, whereas women are not as concerned with looks (or intelligence, for the most part) as they are finding a charming and confident conversationalist. Then again, I haven't been a woman, so that's speculation on my part, I suppose. If a woman has to "dumb herself down" for a guy though, they have issues anyway, unless the woman is being a GRRL POWER STRONGLY STRONG INDEPENDENT FEMINIST. That's intimidating regardless of intelligence!
Anyway... I guess I've rambled on quite enough. Back to your regularly scheduled programming! | |
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