| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 11/25/2006 9:35:41 AM | Wow
I didn't even get through a lot of these posts. I do hope to come back and read more later tho.
Some of the opinions on here have absolutely FLOORED me!!!
I have two teenage boys. Their dad was killed in a car accident 10 years ago. I have never expected anyone to raise these kids besides me.
Now that they are teenagers. I am still raising them on my own and still do not expect anyone else to raise them besides me. I think my only real expectation if I were to be in a relationship is that the guy respect my authority as these kids mother. And to be a positive influence. Make no mistake... a guy in your life IS an influence.
I give attention where it is needed and where it is appreciated. One fellow here was commenting on being 4th or 5th on someone's list of priorities. Not so surprising coming from a person who has NO kids of their own. He may notice the attention is not on him only when it's on someone else (the kids) and may not realize the attention is on him the rest of the time.
What a jaded outlook.
It is seriously sad when mothers place their OWN children in second place when they get involved with a man. I can't believe anyone would EVER expect a mother to do this... Yes the kids DO grow up and lead their own lives eventually... but until then ... they NEED their mom's to make them a #1 Priority... any one who does not understand this has obviously never had kids.
I would NEVER expect a man to pay a mortgage on a house "in case the kids need it later" ridiculous!!!!! Nor would I expect him to buy them clothes, or pay for their baseball registration, or pay their way at dinner!!! I would never, ever expect a man to pay for "another man's teenagers". And by the way they are not "another man's teenagers" They are MY teenagers!!! And I love them!
I so hope not all men feel this way. I would hope if a man is going to be THIS resentful of a woman's children then he best run off and find himself a girl with NO kids. Be fair to people.
My partner was killed in an accident... do I need to pay with loneliness for the rest of my life?
I gotta say... Men... please do NOT expect a woman who is responsible for raising children to put those kids in second place even tho they will be a less important part of her life one day. It's her number one job to raise those kids!!!
I would NEVER expect to be considered a higher priority to a man who is responsible for raising his own kids!
Partners may come and go... but your kids are forever!
Remember that people. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 11/25/2006 11:00:27 AM | cndngirl a guy that would want to be placed first before a woman kids is a fool and shallow as hell. He first needs to grow up and second become a man. A man will be first in attention when the moments are right to do so. They are private moments between that man and woman. A womans child is and should always be first no matter what. This is not only as they are growning but even after they have grown. They are a part of that woman and will always be a major part of her being. Any man that wants to be before them should move on and look for someone like you said for someone that is single and no children.
I would also like to say something if I may. When I am dating a mother and I ask her out and we take the children (and I do ask that she do this) I have no quams in paying for the meals. I actually prefer it since I asked her and them to go eat with me. I have no problem in buying clothes for a child but I make it known it is not to make brownie points in any way and it is usually done in times like xmas or a birthday. Usually with reasoning behind it. I can say it is never a have to it is always if I want to and I think a lot of the mother and the child or children. and as far as another mans teenagers well they are another mans teenagers. However if I am dating thier mother and I respect her and them then I will help her if she needs it after I offer and she agrees with the understanding there is no underlieing reasons.
Moundpuppy | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 11/25/2006 2:59:04 PM | Cndngirl, you must remember something, too. Being a mother does not exempt you of working in a relationship. And if you don't have time to work on it, or don't make the effort to work on it, it will fail.
You ask if you need to pay with loneliness for the rest of your life. The answer is, of course, no. BUT, if you want a relationship, you will have to work on it. Too many times, we parents think that the work we do towards our children somehow counts as relationship work. Well, it doesn't.
Will you need to work a lot more than a childless woman? Well, yes. That's life. Remember, you are asking a guy to make a lot of sacrifices for you and your children. The least you can do is to give as much as you demand.
For example, you ask men not to expect that a woman who is responsible for raising children to put those kids in second place. Well, we don't.
But at the same time, you expect men will gladly put themselves in a relationship where they will always be in second place.
Do you really think it's fair to ask them that? To forget about their personal wishes and needs only because if they don't, a single mom out there will remain single? To demand sacrifices from them (sacrifices that, believe it or not, they don't have the duty to make) and, if they don't want to, to call them "resentful" or like other poster wrote, "fools and shallow as hell"?
Do you need to pay for the death of your partner for the rest of your life? OF COURSE NOT.
Do other guy needs to pay for the death of your partner for the rest of his life? What do you think?
Personally, I think that a person who expects to receive a lot while giving just a little will be dissapointed very soon. But that's just me.
You list some of the reasons guys here give to avoid dating single mothers. You may believe these reasons are untrue, jaded, whatever. However, the important thing is that those guys believe they are true. And they will act according to them. So instead of just dismissing those reasons, perhaps you should see if there is some truth behind them. To say "it's not true" or "I wouldn't do that" is simply not enough. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 11/30/2006 7:44:38 PM | | Myself, I see no problems with dating a women with 4 kids. I have done so in the past and it was very rewarding to me. It made my life fuller and richer in many ways. After countless hours, days, weeks and so forth, we became serious. I met her kids and we all got along for some time. Then things changed some when we moved in together. I treated the kids like my own and became very attached to them. Then things became very confused around the house. The oldest began to resent the mother and myself because she was getting ALL the attention and began to cause many problems in the house, fighting wit her mother and the other kids and eventually with myself. She played us all off of each other and even the inlaws got involved. I moved out once but continued to help her (gf) out with money and so on. Then after we thought about it, I came back home, and again, it got bad, and she (gf) asked me to leave again until she could deal with her oldest daughters frustration over everything. The other 3 kids were fine with it all and the youngest one was very close to me. After 2 months, sneaking around to see each other, still helping with money and stuff, I moved back home. Everything seemed fine, then money issues began to arise. But we worked it all out.... then smth came up and I had to go out of town for several months. We called each other and spoke on the phone for hours, wrote 2 to 3 letters a week telling each other how much we loved each other. We even talked about having a child together, getting married and planned a BIG reunion when I returned home. While away, I still was there, still gave money and done everyhting to make her feel special. Wrote her poems, silly love notes that made her smile and laugh, and YES, even a dirty story that she wanted me to write her. In fact, it was over 90 pages long and very steamy. But when I got home that weekend we had made all these plans to spend a nice weekend together. I was met at the door by her, where all my stuff was packed and ready for me to pick up! A HUGE SHOCKER when nothing had been said at any time before. All she said that now the kids are calmer and she doesn't want to go through the stress of problems at home because some people don't want us together. Now she won't say anything to me, I don't see the kids that I thought of as my own, she got the money, spent the money, didn't use some of the money I sent her to pay the one bill I asked her to pay, and ALL I GET now is a cold shoulder like ALL that time meant nothing, and ALL those feelings we expressed and shared meant nothing. HOW can a girl just shut off her heart like that? So you see.... you think its hard for you to find somebody to be with that wants the whole package, its even harder for US that say lets give it a chance... get close and then get stripped of it all! We have NO say because we aren't legal parent. The sad part of ALL this... I still love her to pieces and still care deeply for them all. So as parents of kids... how does an outsider calm waters like that and rebuild things if they can be rebuilt? I want to get them things for Christmas, but I'm worried to push her further away. How can I pull her closer? | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 11/30/2006 7:53:59 PM | | There are men out there who really want to be a dad and maybe they cannot be or want to hook up with a woman who already has a family. I have a personal insecurity myself of not finding someone even though my kids are with my ex and I faithfully am paying my child support. I have the same fear of not finding someone else. I really want to be a dad full time to some kid(s) after becoming a father. I do feel and sympathize with your fears. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 11/30/2006 7:56:25 PM | | She never thought of herself as a beautiful women because of stretch marks and so forth, BUT I thought she was the hottest person around.... AND I always done my best to show that at all times, especially intimately. I opened up to her and the kids and now my heart was broken and smashed to pieces... She closes off her heart to one... ME, In order to stop feeling all this pain, have to close off my heart to 5..... So some MEN could be scared to commit because to get close hurts too much when you are forced to leave or should you leave on your own. KIDS are NEVER a handicap, BUT a blessing... We as the adults have learn to balance our lives AND help ease the kids into the MUDDY waters that we created. So I hope I give you hope that there are guys willing to take the risk... but remember, they get close and feel things to, SO MAKE DAMN SURE it's what you want, cause its hardest on the kids as well. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 11/30/2006 10:36:02 PM | I went back and read this entire thread. I have to say some posters were down right rude. I will say I have never been married and most likely never will be. I faced that a long time ago. I just wanted to add something to the thread about guys with women and thier children. My mother had five kids and she met my step father. he was in the navy at the time. Now I am the oldest of seven. two came after him and my mother married. Now my brother and I did give him a hard time and I finally looked at the man and realized that he was special. he stood beside her during times that most would have left her high and dry. he didn't ask for anything from her except her love and he would do anything for one of us kids that were not of his loins. Him and my mother were married for twenty something years. Though they did wind up getting a divorce it was not until each and everyone of the kids were grown and out on thier own. When my mother passed away he did not show for the funeral but he did make it a point to call me personally as well as the other six and speak to eack of us. Not long before the man passed on himself he had remarried and he was soon to pass on I made a trip to see him. His wife introduced me as just Tony and he told her as well as everyone there Thats my oldest son. This point is made for one reason a guy can still find and feel the bond that a woman feels for her kids even though they are not his. I will say the one day in my life that was the best was that day and I remember all the times as a child I had put that man through living hell. I also remember all the times I tried to make it up to him for doing so. the day I heard the words was the day I felt I had made it up to him finally. Yes there are guys out there that will not pay attention to a womans looks or to how many kids they have. They will look at the woman and if in love with her know he has found what he has wanted and enjoy the time he has with her no matter what happens in the time between. I don't try to judge anyone and i am very opinionated on what i think and say. I try to respect others and thier opinions and I expect the same in return. If I ever insult someone I will publicly appologize to them I feel if I can insult I can face up to being an A** and be man enough to say i was wrong. My step father once told me that even tho there were seven of us kids it did cost a little more but it all worked out and the little extra was worth everything involved. Even tho the man was not my father by birthright and the same for the other four of us kids the man was Dad to each of us up until the day he passed away. this was even when our own father was around and he as well understood when explained to him. I am grateful to the fine almighty that all my parents were grown up enough that they could sit at the same table and stay under the same roof with out being resentful to the other in anyway. They were all friends to the end.
Just enjoy life and the kids and soon when they are out and on thier own whether you are with someone or not the time will be worth it. Kids are what this world is about and anyone that doesn't see this should take a sceond look at things around them. For it is the kids that will keep this ole world going when we are all gone. have a great day people.
moundpuppy -- Tony | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/1/2006 4:53:54 AM | | Go read the thread on Paying Support for someone Else's Kids. This will probably answer your question right there. It is pathetic, but people are taking more time to protect themselves and their livelyhood. Imagine meeting and marrying someone whom you loved and then have them screw off down the road and then get hit with a child support bill for kids you didn't produce? No wonder people are gun shy and you really can't blame them. You can even tell them oh but I am not like that, but how are they to know? This is why you can't get a date. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/2/2006 8:54:11 AM | I'm not sure I buy it. I mean, I think it just depends on the man/woman. I don't see any real evidence of it being impossible for a single parent to find a meaningful relationship.
I think that your kids are doing you a favor. They weed out the idiots that can't handle even the mere idea of responsibility. I'm newly single, so I have been "out there" long. But I have quadruplets..YES, thats four at once. And it hasn't stopped very many men from talking to me thus far. Yes, I'm sure there have been a bunch that found out and lost interest, but I've yet to notice so I must not have been into them either.
I've had one date so far...I'm picky BECAUSE of my kids. Its only been a few months since I became single, so one date in that short amount of time is about my speed. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/2/2006 10:51:49 AM | Any woman who calls men "idiots" because they don't want to handle HER responsibility...
Let's say that these guys are smarter than she thinks. And pickier, too. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/2/2006 11:57:21 AM | No, they are idiots for acting like a woman is gonna heap HER responsibility on them just because they are dating.
So get it right.
A true mother holds her child above all else. Do you really think that she is gonna say "oh good. A man is finally around...you take over." | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/2/2006 12:28:33 PM |
No, they are idiots for acting like a woman is gonna heap HER responsibility on them just because they are dating.
Hot news for you: SOME women do that. Blame them for making men wary of those who don't.
And no man has the duty to stay and see if she belongs to one group or another. He can seek elsewhere, and nobody has the right to insult him because he's not acting as some single mom think he should. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/2/2006 4:06:50 PM | I know of several women that do pass on the responsibility during dating time now in that I say they are wrong. I also have to agree with quadmom, kids can help to weed out some that are in my opinion weirdos or idiots as some say. I helped raise my niece and while she was young i noticed that if she shunned away from a guy then there was something to be wary of the guy in some way or reason. i would warn my sister and she would back off. Not to say i and my brother would also watch closely.
simbad i must say that a guy does have the right to back out of a relationship and if he feels he can't handle it then i say do so. better for not only the woman and the kids but for himself as well. now as far as just because he backs out then there is no reason to insult a guy for he may know his own mind and way his reactions would be in conditions where kids are concerned. But with kids that are small they tend to use thier feelings more so than adults. A child over eight usually has been set to be the way they will be for the remainder of thier lives. Or I should say set in the path that they will be following. Now before jumping I did say usually and there is those that don't follow the guidelines that so called experts have set as a pattern that they follow.
moundpuppy | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/2/2006 6:36:09 PM | Hot new for you, SOME is not ALL.
Don't generalize. Say SOME if you mean SOME.
As in SOME men are idiots.
I totally agree with what you said moundpuppy. If a man can't handle it, 'fess up and be up front about it. Not everyone has the capacity to parent OR to love a child thats not his genetically. Do all the mom's AND single dad's a favor and don't bother to go for it if you know you can't handle it. Thats not downing folks that don't want or like kids. Its just saying.....well, don't waste your time or ours. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/3/2006 8:15:37 AM | I have already helped raise a child that was not mine and it was an awesome experience. I loved the girl so I did whatever it took to make sure her son turned out o.k....recently, I met one with four kids from 2 previous daddys. I might roll the dice on this one.....moneywise, i`m good...and to have time for them i`m good as well...i have 4 day weekends | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/3/2006 4:01:05 PM | I can say I have been doing the same since my adult life roxysdaddy even tho I have never been married I have helped all my brothers and sisters at sometime or the other. Never will I complain on it or never will I regret it either. It did take and make the kids and I closer in some ways. Then after one that I have been extremely close to was almost grown he took and said something during the time my mother had been going thru her open heart surgery. He looked at my aunt and told her even tho Uncle Bush yells a lot you knew he didn't mean it but when his voice dropped to a soft voice you didn't get another chance to stop. Thing was I wasn't yelling I just have a loud voice but to a kid I guess it was yelling but the comment made my day.
moundpuppy | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/3/2006 4:19:37 PM | | Don't mean to stereotype,but an older guy would be best..the younger ones will just hurt you and cause you grief...unless I am completely wrong,then take whoever is good to you and your kids. Adding my two would be definitely the Brady Brunch. I truly believe that if God can feed the birds in the air,he can feed you,your mate and all the kids. | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/3/2006 4:34:20 PM | My daughter just turned 14 and I have always instilled in her the need to be independant.Her father was killed in 95 I have had too many chances to give her a dad and Inever ring a man into my home.As for thinking did I mahke the right choice and Im seeing that yes I did.This has been toughest thing you ever do being single parent.But its the stepping up and doing it,that will matter in the long run.  | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/3/2006 4:36:30 PM | I see you have two more mouths to feed now,Kathy... That special person will come when you least expect them to. | |
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~*B*~
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Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 147 | |
| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/6/2006 12:43:48 PM | | I have to say Im NO BODY"S left overs. I have a kid Im 22, I have a ton to offer and Im a terrific lover and an even better g/f times are changinging and this internet thing is just another change, don't assume because we are on here it is because we are 'left overs' or lonley. I miss physical intamacy with a nice safe funny friendly easy going person, Im not lonely for a partner because as far as im concerned you have no one but your self in life and a partner should be a joyful addition to it, not a mandatory necessity. As for the weight thing you know what it hurts to hear but I agree Ive dropped 60 + pounds so far on diet alone and joined the gym to get that last 20 and tone up, besides you cant BE sexy if you dont FEEL sexy, if your hiding your body eventually your partner will stop thinking its a cute insecurity and start seeing it as a road block and eventually move on to some one less inhibited. Children are NOT a hinderence to your dating life, keep them seperate until you find the "one" anf if he The "one" then he;ll be dying to meet the loves of your life. Chin up stay healthy and take dating with a pinch of salt we can look back on the silly men we dated when we are retired , cause then we'll have alot of time to fill. Lifes for living not worrying | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/8/2006 7:47:51 AM |
I have to say Im NO BODY"S left overs.
If you read the original post, you will see that the word "leftovers" is used for MEN who do not fulfill the demanding standards of the single mom of four children. | |
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~*B*~
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Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 149 | |
| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/8/2006 1:57:49 PM | Thanks for pointing that out simbad.... Im a very passionate typical aries...I ram into things sometimes and am not always correct, but it always comes from a good place | |
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| Single lonely mom 4 kids
Posted: 12/8/2006 6:53:40 PM | OMG! I think Goddard is
Dr. Phil!!!!!!!!! wow when did he join in with the ladies.. and yes the women are we are the only ones who can have children , we win!!! we are superhero's and will continue to be the superior ones. who do you think is running the country! God bless the woman who is raising kids much less 4 kids. you don't need a man it's when you would like to have one, you choose. who can run faster a man with his pants down or a woman with her skirt up/ hmmmm seems to me like WE win again. Don't settle for anything less that you deserve. I raise my glass up to you and salute for all the sisters out there in this world taking on all the responsibility of children,life, passion ,and raising our children to be the next generation. God bless everyone who has an opinion on here, it went from a woman asking what the hell? to everyone bashing each other.. LOL ~ you will find what you need when you stop looking.
ciao
single, happy and not looking but checking the water.
 snowball fight anyone?  | |
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