| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/4/2007 1:57:34 AM | Angel, thanks for the words of advice and I agree that they do have merit. I have thought about breaking off all contact altogether with her but I just can't bring myself to do it. Her smile, her laugh, her insights , still lift my spirits and she always has good advice for me when I need it. I don't have a lot of friends so I would really miss that. I have trained myself to realize that it will never be like the old days and even if it gets to the point where I never see her again ( and it does seem to be going in that direction), I will never forget her and my love will continue without conditions, just a concern for her happiness, health, and well being.
As for me, I will move on with optimism and hope that one day I will find that love again with someone new.  | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:58:24 AM | Always!! It always seems that the guys I like don't like me that way, and the ones I don't like in that way want me. I wasted 10 years in relationships like that. I also finally learned love cannot be one sided. Hopefully some day (I doubt it) that love will be equal. Seems to only happen in fairytales. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/4/2007 6:00:27 AM | Wow, ishtar, I could have written that myself.
I keep hoping I'll find the guy to make me forget the one I want. Hasn't happened, don't think it will, either.
All I can say is........... | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:41:29 PM | I'm reminded of the movie "Closer" near the end where Natalie Portman turns to her lover and says "I don't love you anymore". He asks "When did this happen?" She replies "Just this very moment".
It is a reminder that we are always making a decision to have conditional love (for one person) or not. A better question to ask is "Why do you choose to emotionally invest in a relationship where no returns are possible?" Seems quite insane to me.
And one more thing...one can never "have" another and all things are impermanent. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/4/2007 4:47:59 PM | | Yes..still am. Sometimes, there are some things in life to let things go of and just hope for the better as much as your heart lies with them. sighs. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/4/2007 10:17:11 PM |
"Why do you choose to emotionally invest in a relationship where no returns are possible?" Seems quite insane to me.
And one more thing...one can never "have" another and all things are impermanent."
I For one would agree and yes it is insane to invest a large portion of your heart and soul to one that is an emotionless void;However, it is something that still happens because of Attraction. We can not control who we fall for or attracted too. We either are or we aren't.Also who is to say that someone you love may have loved you one moment and then had a change of heart. Insanity in and of itself is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a differnt result. However, love in and of it self is not a sane way of thinking. It is purley feeling on impulse, but oh how I love it so. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 4:19:34 AM | oh yes, nortatum....don't we all love it so!!
it's the most addicting, alluring, non logical and potentially the best and worst feelings we experience in life.
insane? well, yes, i think love is totally insane and yet, sometimes, that one moment of mutual unconditional love - before the conditions set in - that glimpse of something very special and dear to everyone's heart and soul - hopefully, through all the journeys we all take with love - if we can even just get a glimpse of it, then we will know what love really is.
one more thing perhaps that might apply to this thread - i really do feel that if one has truly loved another (meaning the love from within has so clearly been mutually reflected in each other), even if the relationship ends, or one pulls out their emotional connection to the other, the love within each of us never ends.....we carry it with us always, helping us to remember and be the loving souls we are - it is our gift to each other and to ourselves.
emotional attachment and often the pain of detachment seems to be the area that brings on so much pain for most - it does not mean one lets go of one's love - it means one lets go of the pain that has attached to the love.
Love is pure. Neediness, dependency, conditional love is not.
We are all on the journey, i think, of really finding the truth of that and each relationship teaches us more, for, perhaps, learning to love and be loved without pain could be number one purpose of all our lives.....hence the insanity!!
and buddhanature.....yes, all things are impermanent, which is why we tend to hold on to those people we feel love for so much, even if they are not holding on to us (until we realize it's that holding on that is causing us our greatest pain). | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 4:31:48 AM | In Love?...no.
Like the person?....yes.
See it as someone I "can't" have?......not seeing it that way....but the distance is a bit of a challenge.
Loosing sleep?.....not really.
The way I figure....These things work themselves out in time anyway... so why worry?
It does cross my mind from time to time though...
**sighs, and smiles a little smile** | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 4:45:35 AM | | yes and yes, I lose sleep over him---wish I could just forget him and after the things he's said to me it should be easy to move on, but it's not. Odd, he doesn't seem to have any problems sleeping or moving on and on and on. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 5:28:38 AM |
I have dated quite a bit since then but it has never quite been the same with anyone else. One girl did come a close second to what I want so at least I know that it is possible that I will someday meet someone as wonderful and exciting, other times I feel discouraged and sad thinking that there will never be anyone quite like her. I hope I am wrong but only time will tell.
Meanwhile, the pain remains.
Tigger, I truly empathise with this feeling. Once you've truly loved someone it's so much harder to settle for a compromise, because you will always want to feel deep down the way the one you loved made you feel  I guess you just have to keep looking, and never give up hope of finding another person who can excite you. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 5:37:03 AM | Hi,
There isn't too many worse things in life than to be in love with someone that has no feelings for you. You live in constant pain. Your heart aches for this person and they either do not have a clue to how you feel or they know and do not care. You try to get past them..try to move on with your life but you just cannot do it. Worse yet ,you go out on many dates ,trying to meet some new love...someone who will fill that huge void in your life but you never find anyone you have any chemistry with. Eventually after dating a ton of men and never connecting with any , you realize that the problem lies within you , it is not these men...you are just not open to starting anything new with another man because your heart is still broken and you just are not capable of putting it together and giving it to a new person.
I have lived with this heartache and pain a little over a year now and I wonder if and when it will ever change. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. It is an aweful way to live but you just cannot stop it...You don't know how to end it , make it go away
Does anyone have any suggestions? There should be some open chat room where all of us in this situation can exchange our stories and grieve together. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 6:17:53 AM |
Eventually after dating a ton of men and never connecting with any , you realize that the problem lies within you , it is not these men...you are just not open to starting anything new with another man because your heart is still broken and you just are not capable of putting it together and giving it to a new person.
I have lived with this heartache and pain a little over a year now and I wonder if and when it will ever change. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. It is an aweful way to live but you just cannot stop it...You don't know how to end it , make it go away
I have to agree with you, in that for a long time, once I lost the person I loved, I closed myself off to the idea of loving anyone else unless they lived up to him, and I didn't honestly see anyone being able to, but I have since pulled my head out of my a***e, and learned to look for the quailities that I found attractive in him in other people. There are people who have similar qualities to others, and I think so long as you can find someone you can respect for their qualities and values, the rest can be progressive. Some people do just seem to have that extra bit of spark to others, and that makes them harder to get over, but like you say, if the basics are there with character, coupled with attraction, you can build on the rest to bring out that spark in a person. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 6:20:18 AM | | yes been in love with this person for 20 years. I was married for 45 yrs and got divorce 2 yrs ago and so hard to find someone else as this man is a friend but see no interest in me as anything else. He is 9 yrs younger and not really attached to anyone else. I think I judge everyone by him and it is frustrating. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 6:34:24 AM | good point.
I think the growth out of loving someone, "who you cant have" is that you are exercising the ability to love unattached, and with out conditions of this love. I think once we understand the concept of loving unattached, we are able to move on in our life. You need the growth of seperation so that you can live apart and together.
to become an individual, amongst the duality. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 7:36:03 AM | I ***use*** to be in love with someone that I could not have. That went on for three years.
That is I could not have her the way - I “thought” I had had her for the previous 17 years.
I had to make a choice between two choices.
- stay on as her friend and talking to her often - having her come over every once in awhile - being intimate - once in awhile - then she would leave and go home. She would leave this house that was her home for 17 years and go to her ............... new life.
- kill ALL contact with her.
I stopped picking up the phone (when she called) about 16 months ago.
Both choices were painful. After these 16 months - I can actually say - I don’t love her anymore.
The very last words I said to her was “I bless you with love and release you from my life” - and hung up the phone. I did not want a reply - no reply would have meant anything to me. I meant it and did that. I turned her loss - out of my life.
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Buddha Nature - I just watched a movie two nights ago “The Holiday”. A gal had loved a guy for years. She was the guy’s back up (just as I was my ex wife’s back up for three years) - when that scene - where the gal told the guy to leave and reveled in the joy of finally realizing the freedom of letting him go ................ I got a great deal out of that since I had done it myself. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 8:01:15 AM |
"you cant help who you love..you can only hope they love you back!"
If they dont love you back..then you have to wish them all the happiness you can.
If you cant do that..then you dont love them as much as you think you do.
I totally agree....
I think there comes a point when you just have to let go and give them your best wishes. And if you truely loved them you'd want them to be happy, even if it's NOT with you. Easier said than done I know but over time it can happen. And you'll be surprised at the peace you feel inside.
Good Luck | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 8:02:48 AM | When I was first single, I was briefly in a situation like this. The man had a spark that ignited all of my senses. We had a passionate interlude and then he went quiet. I was totally mystified. For a month I was consumed with thoughts about him and had a hard time keeping control on my emotions. I thought I would just let him think it out, so I left him in peace. Tried to go out on other dates....but that just didn't do anything. After a month he surfaced. He was friendly towards me, like I was a buddy of some sort. I took the time to contemplate this. Then I knew that I had to blow this out of my system and take him over the edge, too. I did it in grand style. He has never forgotten it. I got completely over him in those 2 days and to this day, he still phones me and wants to see me. You see....I turned the tables on him . He is the one who cannot forget me. If you want to know my method...it's wicked ...and I will get such a stream of angry men and women if I tell it on here.
It's various reasons why we get ourselves into this. Most of the time it's wanting what you cannot have. Unavailable men have this method in the bag. How many women love unavailable men? | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 9:37:10 AM | This subject hits hard for me;
Ive had a friend come back into my life from the past, we been talking alot of nights about everything from my kids to her kids, We have bought stuff for each others kid - Now Christmas is coming and will do same, have even dabbled in talks about Sex.
However; She Is Married, Its not a good Marriage, but is Married...
I know if she was single, She would be my Fairy Tale come true...
Been Seperated 7 years now ( whats another year - Cross Fingers - for a best friend for life )  | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 9:52:43 AM | | I have to be honest, maybe it's easier for me since the love I had has passed away, so therefore, after a long time grieving, I knew I had no choice but to move forward. To let go of real love is the hardest thing we will ever have to face in life, but the hardest things are always the most strengthening. If we can evaluate each situation as some kind of s****y test in our endurance, we will come out a stronger and better person. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 10:14:25 AM | I think we all have been there at one point or another. My experience lasted about 2 years, I kept deleting him from my msn and stopped taking calls this would last a few months then right back at it. He and his friend would bet on how long it would last, they had many a laugh over it. I knew about so many things he had no idea that I knew anything about and would freak if he did, he has some pretty loose lipped friends who like nothing more than to reiterate tales of his manwhoring conquests. Anyway, he knew how I felt but played on it and used it to his advantage. My friends that saw us together would ask me if I was dating him or sleeping with him because they would see that HE kept pissing on my leg almost marking territory. He didn't want me but no one else could have me either, figure he thought that would take the power he had over me away. Sure he wanted the sex for a few months but apparently I was good enough to screw just not good enough to have a relationship with. My friends all told me he was a manwhore and unworthy of me, I so should have listened to them, instead I defended him. Again I cut off communication and then again was stupid enough to resume communicating hoping he had changed, I knew he was a good guy deep down just lacked maturity I didn't want to change who he was, just how he treated me. He then went back to talking about wanting to have sex with me which we hadn't discussed in over a year at this point, I figured he had been rejected by a chick however I guess he figured that was the only way to keep me around this time. Anyway he continued to give body language cues and sexual comments, so I told him again how I felt, then he started treating me like crap again, so having enough with his lies and being treated like disposable garbage I finally said that's it. I really tried to be friends but sadly he couldn't be honest with me nor show me any basic respect which is a fundamental friendship requirement in my book. The way I look at it it's his loss, he lost a potential partner and an incredibly loyal friend, I however won by regaining my self respect which I clearly lost while interacting with him.... However, I know that he'll always be in my head, just like you can't make someone love you.. you can't turn those feelings off either. But I know I am better off with him out of my life so I am keeping it that way.
Best advise to you sister is to move on, there is someone out there that will love you as much as you love them you just haven't found em yet. Best of luck to you! | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 1:58:54 PM | Ishtar
Please don't ever give up on the hope of finding true love. I know what you're going through and you have to try and believe that he's out there somewhere! Don't let go of your dream. I thought I'd found the love of my life but I was wrong!(it hurts)I'll get there & so will you, big hug.
To everyone : "Hold on to your dream, there's someone for everyone, they may not appear when we want them to but most of all believe in yourself!!!!" | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 2:18:40 PM | | Yes, I am and have been in love with a man I can not or will ever have. Have you ever felt like you finally meet the one of your dreams, your perfect match, soulmate, only to find out he is unreachable? Thats where I have been for the last few months. We talk alot, but he is married and even though he is unhappily married, I know he will never leave. It is a feeling of complete hopelessness. To want someone so badly and not be able to have them, feel them next to you, spend every minute with them, is like the wind being sucked out of you. So what to do?? Move on and just be thankful that you have been given the opportunity to of had them in your life for whatever time you were given with them. Everything happens for a reason, and somehow trust in that fact and the fact that you will meet new people. You can always hold a special place in your heart for that person. Who knows, someday fate might just take place. Good luck to everyone who has ever experienced a love lost. | |
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| are you in love with someone you can't have?
Posted: 11/6/2007 3:44:59 PM | | fungalforfunguy, your story could have been written by me. I have been in exactly the same situation, but it's been 3 years. Yes, I met him when I was still married, but he was not the reason for the divorce. Since my divorce we have been on again, off again, but more FWB, than anything else. It hurts and it makes it very difficult to find someone else. I had a 4 month relationship with a guy who had many of the qualities of the man I love, and I thought that I had finally found someone who could surpass him! Boy, was I wrong. We broke up due to him wanting to become a her!! Now if that doesn't make you not want to trust anyone else, I don't know what will. So the last 2 guys I went out on dates with were NOTHING like the man I love, but I thought I would give them a chance. One date and nothing more, they were the ones who didn't contact me again. So... I'm still single, still pining for HIM, but still out there fishing, hoping to reel in a keeper! | |
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