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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/30/2006 8:13:56 AM | Red..
This is why i have written "in most case"; ..it DOES NOT apply to every case...you seem to prove just that...unfortunately..i have seen cases where the :" They love it ! " is used to cover the ;" They hate it...but have to live with it because of my actions/decisions....but don't quote me on it ! "
This is all i was refering to...this "ostrich syndrome" if i may call it...never meant to judge anyone though..i leave that to God... | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/30/2006 8:25:11 AM |
Well....my feeling of this post..is that we are giving ourselves the RIGHT to think for our children i.e. : they love the 2 homes..they want shared custody...if we really could talk for them...we would be saying how FRUSTRATING all of this is for them....They NEVER asked for this turn of event...yet they are the one who suffer from it the most...so i don't think we have the right to say that this is so great for them....eitheir way...
Well, as the parent to my kids, quite bluntly, I *DO* have the right to think for them. I also have the *OBLIGATION* to think for them. I do it on a daily basis. I do lots of things my kids don't like. I make them wait till after dinner to have a cookie. I make them tidy up after themselves. I make them brush their teeth. I make them go to bed at a decent hour. Do they suffer from it? They sure act like they do. Do I care if they suffer from it? Hell no, because I know that they will turn out better because of it.
Same goes for shared/joint custody. They may not like splitting time between two parents (but in all actuality, mine really act like they do. They get excited when they see either of us come to pick them up from daycare) but again, I really don't care if they suffer a little because of it. I know that their suffering will allow them to spend equal time with a mother and father who (though we don't love each other) still love them very much. Just like brushing their teeth, waiting till after dinner to have a cookie, etc, they will turn out to be better people for it. | |
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JennTX
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Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 53 | |
| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/30/2006 6:54:54 PM | Someone wrote...go with my gut. My gut tells me not to do the week on and off. It would be easier to keep the situation as is and then "try" it later on our own. If and when things settle down.
How can he be a good dad if he keeps telling the kids that we are getting back together, Mommy is stealing money from Daddy and now you can't go to college (child support), If you don't stop destroying the house Daddy will have to live under a bridge, You don't have to respect your mother????
How can I just hand them over and expect that all of that will just blow over and everything will be fine? When the kids came home from dinner with dad tonight, they were yelling at me wondering why I didn't love dad anymore...as dad was yelling he loved me as he drove away? I am keeping my cool and an even keel, it is tough. If they lived with him half the time, he could fill them with a whole weeks worth of garbage...and it would take a week to undo and so on and so forth. | |
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JennTX
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Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 54 | |
| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/30/2006 6:58:47 PM | Dad has already said he would never move on and would love me forever. I on the other hand will move on. I am too good and too strong to stay with someone who treated me poorly. Not the role model that I wanted my boys to model after. I never want them to treat their future girlfriends and wife like their father treated me. As for my daughter, I want her to see the way a REAL man should treat a woman, but most of all how a strong woman can stand up for herself without a man. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 4:20:28 AM |
How can he be a good dad if he keeps telling the kids that we are getting back together, Mommy is stealing money from Daddy and now you can't go to college (child support), If you don't stop destroying the house Daddy will have to live under a bridge, You don't have to respect your mother???? Unfortunately, these are not valid reasons to keep him from having fair access (i.e. 50% of the time) to the kids. Courts will look at this, and see *you* as the person doing wrong, sadly enough.
Perhaps, if you agree to give him 50/50 *on the condition* that he stop saying such things to the children... | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 4:56:20 AM | MY situation....to the Op's question Does it work?
My ex drives a truck....he has a route that takes him to S.Carolina.He is gone for 5 or 6 days at a time,and home usually for 4. He calls me when he is on his way home and picks up the kids as soon as he gets in town...keeps them with him until he goes back out on the road.
The kids are always excited to see him,and always happy to come home. It works out perfect for everyone.
In our court agreement it is written that we have shared custody with me as primary care giver.We usually agree on things that come to the kids,but I do have the final say in major decisions because his job takes him out of the country and is unavailable most of the time..
WE always said if he were to change jobs ,and be in town full time we would do the weekon week off.....I know it would work out fine. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 6:53:04 AM |
Unfortunately, these are not valid reasons to keep him from having fair access (i.e. 50% of the time) to the kids. Courts will look at this, and see *you* as the person doing wrong, sadly enough.
Perhaps, if you agree to give him 50/50 *on the condition* that he stop saying such things to the children...
I actually agree with witty here.....what the...who said that..
Although, I would definetly keep track of what your kids say he is saying and mention it to your lawyer, but it is hear say. Anyways, unfortunetly you will just have to do some damage control when they get home. Eventually it will probably stop. Like I said earlier, he is just hurting the kids by doing that and they will end up recenting him not you. But I am thinking if you did the 50/50 split that may stop, he would see YOU less (or arrange it to be not at all) and would have more time with the kids and hopefully turn his focus onto them. If you are fighting him on what "he"wants then he is going to feel at constant war with you, hence saying stuff to the kids about you. Not that you should just give in because he wants you to, just saying it could verywell stop when you have a steady visitation and less time in eachothers faces.
I was thinking about your post yesturday when I was visiting with my friend who has that week on week off with her ex, and I asked her how she liked it and she said "It's great" and then I asked her son if he was happy the way it was and he said "He really likes it" If my ex ever stops living with his girlfriends family (ugh!!) and gets his own place so he can see his child I am thinking of this myself sence my daughter is now 6, it would be a good time to start. It will be an adjustment for sure, but I've been hearing great things about it.
Good Luck on whatever you decide!!
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 6:59:17 AM |
I actually agree with witty here Hell hath frozen over 
If my ex ever stops living with his girlfriends family (ugh!!) and gets his own place so he can see his child I am thinking of this myself sence my daughter is now 6, it would be a good time to start. Good to hear! I am sure he will appreciate it as well. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 11:06:12 AM | I do a 4 days on 4 days off with my kids. That is the work schedule that I have. My ex and I for the most part get along. There are always differences but as long as we stay mature it works for us. I will tell you this though. As the kids are now getting older and in school full time this year we are rethinking it. Only because it gives them more of a chance to mantain friendships. It is hard for them to not be able to see a friend for 4 days. The kids are 7 and 6.
Even if you hate eachother. Its the kids that matter most. I wish parents could understand this better. Some people just get so bitter with each other thety lose touch with reality. And the reality is the kids are the only nes to suffer. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 5:45:36 PM | | Then You Do your very best to be civil! Because it's your child that is most important and your child needs and deserves both of you just as much! | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 11:22:54 PM | Please keep in mind as people try to predict what a judge will say, that your matter will be decided by a superior court judge in the state of Texas. My lawyer was VERY cautious trying to predict what our judge would decide in our own state. I think you should not put too much weight to what people in other countries are predicting your judge will say.
One thing I might suggest if you do end up in court is asking the judge to recommend or even order counseling of some sort. It sounds like your ex needs some better coping skills.
As for bills, my guess is that the child support calculation takes into account who is paying which bills. I know mine does. Suggest that you continue paying all of the bills on behalf of the children (or at least specify the larger ones) and then keep the child support reflecting the expense.
But truly, you should have a lawyer in Texas advising you on this.
Jeff | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 8/31/2006 11:30:31 PM | | has anyone done the fifty /fifty thing when ur childeren had a diffrent dad . my girls and my son have diffrent dads, and my sons dad wants to do fifty / fifty . the girls are older 4,and 6 , my son is 2 in feb.i thought this mabey to hash on the kids any thoughts ? i would like to come to a mutual agreement but the girls are mine and i think he can forget about them in the equasion. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/1/2006 8:04:23 AM | Ally:
To say it would be harsh on your children... To me the jealousy it mmight cause your children is far outweighed by the amount of good it would do your son. To hold one child back on the account of the other 2 is unfair.
He didn't choose to who is father would be. You did. And I'm sorry if the girls father isn't as involved, but when you decided to have children with multiple fathers, these are some of the things you have to deal with.
If he is seeking 50/50 with his son, and you deny him, he may take it court. And I doubt the courts will take the feelings of your other 2 children into account. So either you can make it work easier.. or you can make it harder.
I understand your concerned about the feeling of your other 2 children. But most of the time children only become affected by something if we let them. They play off our emotion in things. If they see you being upset with the arrangment, they will start to think this wrong. If you simlpy just expose them to this a natural thing, you'll probably find overall they won't be overly affected. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/1/2006 10:02:44 AM | | spiper ham the 50/50 thing i think is the best thing for kids once they understand whats goin on . but with him being so young this is not goin to make him feel insucure that hes form one place to the next every week ? pluss i think he might miss his sisters because he so use to them . my oldest dauter understands and gets happy about big girl time but , the middle one asks when my son is coming home form the time he leaves . his father is great and very respoable . so we have already started to try this i geuss well see how it goes. but i was thinkin mabey 50/50 would work better once he was a little older . | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/1/2006 10:26:30 AM | Hi, You probably won't like my answer but I think you should know. Most judges now a days will give joint custody whether you want to or not. I had custody of my daughter for the first 5 years of her life. When I told my ex that I may be moving, he freaked and asked for joint custody, not because he wanted my daughter but because he didn't want me to leave the area. Even though he never really took care of her or even though he was hardly ever there, the judge gave him joint custody. It broke my heart in a million pieces and it still does. I would suggest that you just give him joint custody because if you don't it will cost you a fortune in Lawyer fees and you will most likely still lose. I'm really sorry to tell you this but I know how you feel and thought you should know what will probably happen. Save your money and sooner or later your child will be old enough to make up his or her own mind as to where they want to live.
Good Luck:))
Whitedove38 | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/1/2006 11:59:24 AM | Hey WhiteDove
I have a 2 sided view of this situation.
I have shared custody of my 12 yr old daughter for almost 2 yrs now, and she is wanting to be with me full time as soon as she can. This is very gratifying,but i wish that she had a better relationship with her mom,because i don't want her to have the same issues as her mom has. My ex's parents divorced when she was 4, and dad always lived at least 1 1/2 away, making itimpossible to see him regularly.At this timein her life,she has a major issue with him,always seeking his approval, as does her sister. However it was their mom who left the city they were in at the time of separation. No,she didn't move for work,or to be close to family,but just to get away,making the current state a reality.
There are downsides to 7 on 7 off as others have said, maybe 2 weeks on then the shuffle. One major thing you need to workout with the ex is communication on kid issues,so that you are not played against each other unwittingly. We have both learned that sometimes she will say anything to get her way. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/1/2006 8:25:58 PM | Been there done that.....Personal experience tells me that as the child grows older it
does not work.
My son is now 12. We divorced @ 2 years old. When he was little he just wanted both
of us and was confused. Two different homes. Rules different in both homes. I know you
say we will do things the same however it does not stay like this for ever. One of you
re-marries or you both do. How confusing to go back and forth. As the child grows older
and is done hurting and comes to some kind of understanding it will be obvious and hopefully
not painful to decide what roof the child live under mon - fri. Children need routine, structure, guidence and lots of love. Unfortunately the seem to allways get caught in the middle. They didn't ask to be in this situation. Try and do what is best for them.
How can we expect our child to grow up understanding how to be when the rules change every week. Do not be selfish. Do what is best for your children. Hopefully it's your home and he can be the visiter. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/1/2006 8:36:44 PM | | Well Jenn, I am goin through the same darn thing at the moment.....only difference is i KNOW that he is NOT goin to get the kids....he just wants to make my life as much of a hell as he possibly can....I have government officials and the police backing me this time though and it has been a whole lot easier. I wish you all the luck in the world and it will get better for both of us I hope!!!! | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/2/2006 6:28:35 AM | I've been noticing a lot of people saying that it's hard on the kids to live with two houses and two different rules...etc...
Co-parenting includes comming to a plan that BOTH parents agree on. I can't imagine raising kids any other way, how confusing and dissruptive could that be. My ex doesn't have my daughter 50/50 but even when he has her on his days he still parents her the same way I do, as far as discipline, what foods she's allowed to eat (NO POP etc), bed time, manners, etc... If he were to have her 50/50 it would be the same. I know I can't control what goes on at his place, but I sure can hear about it. You have to come to an agreement on the method to take raising these kids, you can't have it two different ways, that's what our responsibility as co-parents IS!! Kids need structure, consistancy, routine, and if they have to switch house to house, for the love of god they shouldn't have to switch the way they live too!! So this would not be a suitable situation if you can't get on the same page as the ex if you ask me. No matter what age!!!
I don't agree with spider on this, I have heard him say that everyone parents their kids a different way,(can't remember if it was this thread or not, sorry if not) I am assuming he ment mom vs dad. This is WRONG!!! Just like you have to be civil, and put your feelings aside you also have to be responsible and do what is right for your kids and that means SAME RULES, same living structure, wherever they go. Even my kids grandparents have to learn my discipline methods and follow them or the kids don't stay with them. It's simple really, wherever they go they are treated the same and given the same rules and conditions. | |
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iris37
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Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 71 | |
| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/2/2006 7:40:20 AM | | down2earthchick...I completely agree thats why I think the courts should have mandatory parenting classes for both parents when there is a divorce ( actually I think it should be mandatory when you decide to pro-create thats a whole other topic)......it certainly can't hurt it could only benefit. I'm not just talking a one time deal but an ongoing where they have to go back every couple of years as the children age. Maybe counselling didn't work for the adult perhaps they will think differently when it comes to the kids on just how their behaviour/parenting effects the children. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/2/2006 7:52:27 AM | | It would be ok by me.What about a baby,what kind of custody do you get for that,if im the dad-a couple times a week and every other weekend or just every other weeknd or what. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/2/2006 8:44:32 AM | Down2Earth:
I am assuming he ment mom vs dad. This is WRONG!!! Just like you have to be civil, and put your feelings aside you also have to be responsible and do what is right for your kids and that means SAME RULES, same living structure, wherever they go. Even my kids grandparents have to learn my discipline methods and follow them or the kids don't stay with them. It's simple really, wherever they go they are treated the same and given the same rules and conditions.
Okay I agree with you an agreement of how things are to proceed need to be agreed on. However one thing I seem to get an overwhelming whiff of when reading some of these posts is that every must be done Mom's way. And that way of thinking needs to stop.
I agree certain guidline should be followed. Like Bed Times... ext... Even as far as curbing certain behavours... but it has to be agreed on. For instance you may not want your child jumping on the bed... but the NCP doesn't care.. and will even go as far to join in. Do you as a CP demmand the NCP force the child not to jump on bed in order to keep order at ytour home... Or does the NCP have the right to say, To Bad... So Sad... I'm having fun with my child... May be a crude example, but it can be extrapolated to other arguments.
An agreement needs to be agreed to... Not ordered by one, for the other follow.
I didn't mean Mom vs Dad. I never intend to pit the parents against each other. However people parent differently. Heck even in homes where Parents live together. Each parent takes on a slightly different role in doing things. Why, because they are different people... And think differently.
One of the virtues of being a Grand Parent, and this is something I learned from my dad after he became one, was that you get to have all the fun, without the worry. He specifically buys the noisest toys he can find for my son. Why? For no other reason then he knows it drives me nuts, and my son loves them.
I agree certain rules need to be upheld. But if you allow your children to be alone with anyone, part of the thing you are doing is allowing them have a part in raising your child. And as such, they are not simply going to act like you. Everyone has their own unique way of doing things. | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/2/2006 8:57:08 AM | | My ex boyfriend wanted to do the same thing.. One week on, One week off.. I didnt go for it.. my kids are 4 and 3.. we have been seperated for 9 months and hes maken it so hard for me because i left him.. ITs not fair | |
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| Custody, one week on, one week off???
Posted: 9/2/2006 10:19:48 AM |
I think the courts should have mandatory parenting classes for both parents
They did when I was establishing custody with my first daughter. Her father and I had to go to this parenting class, it's focus was to teach/guide us on how to "CO-PARENT" and do what is right for the children and talked about what that is exactly as far as the law was concerened. It went over the types of custody agreements, and when each is considered appropriate and at what age they recommend. There was a judge, and a child worker and court mediator present, and you were to take the class on a seperate day from your ex. It was very informative, I believe 4 nites (one nite a week). It talked about what I have said, having a "parenting plan" the judges prefer to see to responible adults come to a concensus on how the child will be raised (yes, spider both deciding together) and bring their plan to court for him to see, then two people fighting over their kids and what "they" want.
Anyways, I know when I was going to court the judge wouldn't even look at our case if we didn't attend these classes, I think EVERYONE should have to and why they don't enforce it is stupid. I know they still "refer" them, but they are not mandatory like they were for me, but it sure looks better on you going into court if you have taken it.
And no spider, I don't mean simple things like that obviuosly the jumping on the bed would be one of those "but daddy lets me do it" and then the response would be "That's great, so you can jump on his bed, but not mine"...simple, but I'm strickly speaking of the foundation of how this child is to be raised, and most importantly disciplined. | |
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