| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/1/2006 4:22:41 AM | We all grieve in different ways and the of time varies from individual to individual.
They say there are five steps to grieving and I believe that.
In one year three family members died. It does impact on you it changes your life forever permanently.
I think I live more day to day and I find myself not wanting to get attached. Just beginning to realize I have to let go, not the memories but the "what-if's".
I moved so I can relate.
I didn't want to because my old house was the last place I saw my mom and it was bittersweet because a month later she was gone and it was the ONLY time she visited.
I lived there almost thirteen years before I moved.
It had a connection with the past both to her and my ex-husband.
When I did this I let go because I know she isn't there but I carry her in my heart always and I am never really and truly ALONE.
All of us carry our loved ones in our hearts.
Carry on.
Someday I believe all our sorrow will turn into JOY and we will feel WHOLE again.
Until then. | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 8:30:00 AM | | My sister and best friend died September 20, 2002. It was the day after her 39th birthday. The first year was so hard I didn't think I'd ever get over it, but it does get better. I have to take the 19th and 20th off from work, because my emotions are still problematic, but I'm feeling better about it this year, and next year I may not have to take the time away. I still get the urge to call her almost every day, and there is still a big hole in my heart that nobody else will ever fill. | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 29 | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 12:20:54 PM | | My uncle passed away nearly 3 years ago, he worked on the motorways (I live in England by the way) and a bloke was speeding to get to a football match and ploughed into my uncle and killed him outright. At the time I was living away from home and it made me feel so guilty because my uncle was like a second father to me. Although it's only been almost 3 years since he died I still cry on my birthday, his birthday, his and my aunties wedding aniversery and whenever Man Utd and Liverpool play (that was the match played after his death - he died the Saturday and Man Utd - Liverpool played Sunday) and of course Christmas. The only way I cope is to cry, I know it's not manly but believe me it works! | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 12:49:08 PM | I have no idea how to deal with ten years. I haven't made it to one yet with my mother. Will later on this week, on Sept 7. And it isn't good. I've already had to take a LOA from work. Had two panic attacks, one explainable, the other one not. I can't sleep, I can't eat. A lot of people, even so called friends, don't seem to care or even remember. I have one friend who has yet to even come on MSN and hasn't since probably Tuesday. He totally ignored me at work, while I was bawling my eyes out. Actually, only one person even took notice that I was upset. Everyone else was just laughing. (Not at me, just laughing.) And when I do finally get to sleep, it's only for a couple of hours. Then I'm woken up again. It's 4:30 pm and I've been awake since 3 am. I've tried to go back to sleep on several occasions, but can't do it. And when I do, it's a dream about my mother. Her death was not a happy one and she was sick before she died. She had a lot of pain and she'd cry a lot. To this day, I'm woken up all of the time by her crying.
What I did for my mom's six month was set up a page for her and my dad. We lost my dad Jan 16/04. That seemed to help a lot because most of the people that I know now know more about her sickness and death than they do life. Just the sickness affected me more. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after she died. But let's not go there. But she had pain for more than ten years and it almost killed me in the end. It surely did have an effect on my father.
But even worse was my mom used to take Ativan. Now I should back up and explain that I'm a very sensitive person who takes things to heart and I was only seventeen when she first became ill, merely a child. So watching my mom go through so much pain and suffering drove me to find ways to soothe myself. I was smart enough not to touch alcohol or illegal drugs, but knew nothing about Gravol and the problems that could arise. Also messed with OTC sleeping pills as well. Almost killed me in the end and that surely assisted my father in his death. So at some point, Nov 2003, I couldn't sleep. Or was it 2002? Not important, I guess. And I wandered my way into my mother's medicine cabinet and helped myself to some Ativan. Took the next two days out of my life completely and in short left me with an addiction--to her pills. No doctor would prescribe them to me, leaving me only one avenue--my mother's purse. And I swear, they'd call to me. She'd hide them everywhere, and I'd always find them. She even had a locked box and would wear the key around her neck. I eventually figured out that if I waited until she was asleep, I could slip the key from around her neck. Or hold the box up to her neck and use the key.
Wow, why am I even admitting any of this? Like it really matters. I doubt there's anyone out there who could have a worse opinion of myself than me. And don't bother mentioning therapy--I can't even look at myself in the mirror and admit it. So hopefully I'll gain enough courage to be able to get past this. It's killing me and it being September isn't helping.
And at least once a week I'm woken up by me rooting through my mother's purse in a dream. They always wake me up. It's like, why? I knew she was going to die. And I knew exactly what would happen.
Oh, just wake me up when September ends. | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 2:39:03 PM |
My wife passed away on Jan 22/95, and my very best friend on Jan 22/96..Incidently, I was married on Sept.22, so the date (every 22nd) is very emotional to me..I wrote a story about one of these deaths..
It made me feel better after the tale was on paper, and shared..
Sir I am very sorry to hear that. It just struck me regarding the dates you mentioned because with my father also, we was born on March the 9th and passed away October 9th, so that is wierd coicidense.
Sir I feel for you too and my regards ok. | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 2:43:59 PM |
Wow, why am I even admitting any of this? Like it really matters. I doubt there's anyone out there who could have a worse opinion of myself than me. And don't bother mentioning therapy--I can't even look at myself in the mirror and admit it. So hopefully I'll gain enough courage to be able to get past this. It's killing me and it being September isn't helping.
And at least once a week I'm woken up by me rooting through my mother's purse in a dream. They always wake me up. It's like, why? I knew she was going to die. And I knew exactly what would happen.
Oh, just wake me up when September ends.
I know this feeling and I feel for you so much. It is hard reading some of these posts because it hits home to where all of us are weak. You know it feels like it is destroying me too and just hope my mother and I and the rest of my family can get through this because we need to get over this.
We are both single and it's not easy for us to go through this time. Thats why family forver for eternity is the most important human aspect, experiance, relationship one can ever have, EVER!! God Bless you | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 3:45:52 PM | ^^^^^Yep, I have to agree. I'm much closer to both brothers than before. One especially. And I know who my true friends are. They're the ones who are there for me. But again, I think you really have to be in these shoes to truly understand.
I do have to question whether it's something we'll ever get over.
My grandmother was 52 when her parents got into a car accident. They were, I dunno, 75 and 82. They both ended up passing away some time later, within weeks of one another. That was 29 years ago. You talk to my grandmother and you'd think they were still alive. Not only that, but she'll talk about "what if" with her parents. What if they weren't in the car accident?
I often feel cheated that at 27 I lost both parents. My mother died at 56 with her mother still living, damnit. Yet, after talking with my grandmother one day, I realized that I will probably never get over it. And while that thought scares me, at the same time it comforts me. She'll ALWAYS be a part of me. I won't forget her. She may be gone, but she'll NEVER be forgotten. And that is why this time of the year has mixed feelings for me.
Feel free to email me if you wish. Lord knows I can go on for hours about this topic.
I do suggest that you come up with SOMETHING for your dad. But I think that the sadness is also a reminder of the love and admiration you had for him. He is still your dad. I'm sure you still talk to him all of the time. I know I talk to my mom all of the time. Heck, I even yell at my dad sometimes. (That was the kind of relationship we had.)
You and your mom will get through this. I do suggest that you do something positive and make some positive plans for the day. I don't think I'm going to bother with anything for the year for my mom.
'Nuff ramblings from me. Should get some sleep.
Edit--At 27 I had lost both parents. Was 25 when my father died. | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 8:12:58 PM | I lost my dad a little over two years ago. I find myself missing him all the time. My everyday life finds me remembering alot of things he said as I grew up that helped mold me into the person I am today. Just the thought of him, brings tears. Not being able to pick up the phone to just say hey, I love you.... Then, I think about my children, my family and how lucky I have been to not have lost a brother or a sister, or a child. I think it makes you learn to appreciate relationships you do have a little bit more.
I don't think I will ever think of my dad without having the tears in my eyes,
I think a parent, is just someone that you have always had, and they are a part of who you
are, and there is no getting over that loss. It makes you realize just how special being able to pick up the phone, and say hey dad I love you, and him to reply I love you to really was. | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 8:21:50 PM | Hey Ratero,
Sorry for your loss bro, I lost my Dad in 1983 and you are right,it is difficult. I usually get together with my Mom and my younger brother and remember the kind of man my father was. Would he want me to still be grieving after all this time? Or would he want me to take the lessons that he taught me and move on with my life. The best way to honor your Fathers memory is to live up to his example. I wish I had an easier answer and again I am truly sorry for your loss. | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/2/2006 11:43:22 PM | | this october will be the 7th anaversary since my friend passed away. (He was like my big brother there for me whenever i needed some one) I was 16 when he passed away and to this day i greave for him. but what helps me threw is remembering the good times we had together. I got to know him and love him and be there for him as he was there for me. I keep him close to my heart and my memory and I celibrate life on the day he died every year with the rest of his friends. we will sit for hours talking about what we have done in the past year and then go on to remember him and the funny things he would do just to make some one laugh. it is always better to remember some one that is gone from this world for the things they did to make you happy. it keeps them alive forever. I also got the group to bring in old photos and wright a letter one year we put a scrap book together with some of the pics and all the letters and good thoughts and memories......so when you feel blue you can look at the book and remember that no matter what they will always live on in you and the things you have gained from just knowing them..... | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/3/2006 11:47:23 PM | First off - I never say I'm sorry when someone passes. I know that sounds so wrong, but I did not cause it - so why be sorry. I do show compassion, mind you, and state that the situation certainly does bite the big one. It does, however, get easier with time. (not that I believed that at first.)
With regards to the original poster who was looking for some insight... hugs to you - and don't worry you'll be fine! The sun will rise and set that day and you will take it by the hour, minute, or second if you have to. Listen to your heart & mind and do what you need to do to keep going. The first one is always the hardest as that is when all your supporters tend to slowly ween you off their shoulders of strength. Trust yourself and allow yourself to truly feel what you need to feel - be it tears, anger, sadness, or whatever. Good luck!
It's coming up on five years since my dad passed. His passing was really confusing. I had resented him most of my life as I had spent a large chunk of it being one of his main caregivers. So in a sense it was a huge relief, but devistating as I never realized just how much I loved him. We had a very strong hate-love relationship.  But it worked and I'm lucky to have had him around as long as I did.
The crying subsides after the first year, but fits and starts of it do reappear without apparent warning off and on as time goes on. I've found the anger at him & his situation has finally started to taper off. Letting go is the hardest, but it does bring more of that 'inner peace' that so many speak of. Counselling does help, but it does bring up other issues that can be dealt with at a later time. Plus, each person deals with death in their own way. (This may sound horrible to some, but the night my dad passed we had a party that ended a week later - the day after the funeral. We celebrated his life to the heights! He would have been so happy to see so many people unite - laughing, smiling, & partaking in his specialty home made wine.) Some people also feel that society says they have to be all weepy & ragged on the anniversary of any death. Not so - make it a day that you do something else on. See family members, have a bbq - be happy!
I have kept up some traditions to keep his memory alive and celebrate his life. Drives to the escarpment, day trips to the lake, trying to build stuff (much easier with someone telling you how though), and just being the straight up/no nonsense person that I learned from his example.
Family & friends often bring him up in passing conversation, we have a chuckle at whatever memory has cropped up. My nieces & nephews ask a lot of questions about him and we have very open & frank conversations about him, life, death, etc. Sometimes just a mention of how he used to sneak them candy makes my heart swell - not because of his passing, but because in his short time in the role of grandfather, he managed to make that much of an impression on some absolutely wonderful kids. I wish all his grandchildren had gotten to meet him.
yeah yeah.. so now I rambled on... I'll leave you a toonie at the door. 
Take the reins and decide what you want to feel and if it doesn't work that way, ride it out. Life is all about being flexible and fluid. If we knew all the details that were to come we'd be pretty bored and bitter, no? | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/4/2006 12:09:02 AM | I know what you are saying. My Dad passed away 3 years ago on Aug. 21, 2003He was on vacation in Leavenworth, Wah. (one of his favorite places to be). My dad had a stroke 5 years previous, so we were already on borrowed time. He recovered about 80%, but he was never quite the same dad I knew. Every now and then we would catch a glimpse of him. Mom mom and dad had walked the town of leavenworth that day, had lunch at my dads favorite restuarant and he had his icicle ale......lol......He went for a swim and then it was 4:00 time for his 1st bourbon and seven, he was allowed to have 2 a day. at 4:30 he had his second one, and then he had a heart attack.
They took him to winacthee, and all of us kids went to him. On thursday we took him off of life support and he passed away shortly after that. I cry just in the telling of this. I miss my dad each and every day. and most times I still cry for him. But then I remember, I remember how much he loved me, how much family meant to him, all the things we did, and most importantly I remember that "I" am my fathers daughter and he lives inside of me each and every day. And inside of my kids. Our family honors and remembers him with love, dignity, respect, humor, tears, laughter, but mainly we talk, and rememer together.
When the family gets together we all talk and think of him. Sometimes we cry. But he is in a better place. Look up the poem on the internet and read,"When tomorrow starts without me". You'll feel much better. Remember your day and let his memory live on forever.Tina | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/4/2006 3:15:52 AM | What really hits hard about this is if you know that you and your family are having it alittle rough and it is stressful and hard on us, sometimes we feel like we have limited people to turn too and to communicate with.
My mom is single (infact I tried to get her to come on this site) and we are both looking for a mate but in different areas. But when one goes through soemthing like this , I think one of the last things you should do, is keep it in yourself. It can really put you in some emotional /psychological trouble. i use to be like that, where I always kept my feelings inside and to my self no matter how much it hurt, now I am not so much like that. But the point is that having friends, company, a companion is so important in times like these.
Whats worse is when that past event has such a grip on you that you sometimes feel as if you can't be the person you want to be today (it's hard to admit that) I am determined to overcome this, because this is ridiculous , and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired off being held back by the past.
It is good to put your foot down and take authority and just say "the future IS bright and I know my family , mother and myself ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS"!!!!
I know we will , it is getting better. But we have ways to keep on. | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/4/2006 3:20:50 AM | well my dad passed on on sept 1 2006 at 9 pm. it hurts and is hard to get over . i trying to take it one day at a time and tring to find the the good time that we had . he is in a better place no pain . he was in pain in the hosp and it made me sick seeing him like that but i want to see him too let him know i was there for him.
richard | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/4/2006 3:46:08 AM |
well my dad passed on on sept 1 2006 at 9 pm. it hurts and is hard to get over . i trying to take it one day at a time and tring to find the the good time that we had . he is in a better place no pain . he was in pain in the hosp and it made me sick seeing him like that but i want to see him too let him know i was there for him.
Richard I am so sorry to hear that. My condolences to you and your family. That is horrible. I hope that you all will get better and understand that this is a process and it takes along time to overcome.
I don't know what to say, it is a shock now and I realize how you may be feeling, it feels like a part of you dies (atleast it did and and even still does with me) , I am really sorry to hear that. I pray that the Lord will comfort you and your loved ones.
God Bless you !!!! | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/4/2006 8:32:23 AM | My heart goes out to all of you as losing a loved one is such a hard thing to deal with~
As one poster stated...it gets easier as time passes and I truly believe that.
I am approaching the second anniversary of my brothers death and right now am experiencing so many different emotions. I have also lost my mom and dad a few years back but feel these experiences have only made me a stronger person inside.
For myself I have decided to add a memorial tattoo to an existing one in memory of my family so that I feel they are with me all the time.
Everyone grieves differently but I think it is important to have someone there who will just listen and be there for you. Being alone in these situations is never a good idea as I've come to find out myself~
All the best to you:) | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/4/2006 10:18:03 AM | Zoey, the tattoo is a wonderful idea! I am too chicken (you know what) to get one.
There's a cross country/trans canada trail dealy that pops through Manitoba, and one of my brothers put up a memorial on the trail. It sits at the forks here in Winnipeg (name only) and also out at West Hawk Lake (bigger plaque). I thought that was a beautiful and healing thing for him to do as well.
For those that feel alone, or are feeling a bit of a burden to their one big shouldered friend. There are places to chat online with other people about losing a loved one specifically. It's open 24 hours a day and people are there if you want to reminisce, cry, vent, or just have a sounding board. Sometimes it is easier to see ourselves and that key point which is stopping the healing process from going one step further, if we speak to a complete (non judgemental) stranger.
The website I used to go to was "GROWW Grief Recovery Online for all Bereaved". Not sure if it will let me post the url, so do a google search for the site. There's chat, forums, and support group meetings (each for specific situations). I sure hope this tidbit of information helps.
To the OP who had made the comment that his mother is also on the site - so is mine! I felt really awkward about it at first and the thought of her dating really upset me. But then I realized 1)it's her life & choice so I'd better butt out AND 2)she deserves to be loved and be happy too! What a wonderful gift if she could find someone who put her on cloud nine. We should all be so lucky. 
TTFN  | |
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| Approaching an anniversary or remembering day that someone close to you passed away....
Posted: 9/5/2006 2:44:09 AM |
To the OP who had made the comment that his mother is also on the site - so is mine! I felt really awkward about it at first and the thought of her dating really upset me. But then I realized 1)it's her life & choice so I'd better butt out AND 2)she deserves to be loved and be happy too! What a wonderful gift if she could find someone who put her on cloud nine. We should all be so lucky.
No I said I told my mother about this site and I suggested this site and invited her on here , but she hasn't come yet, I don't know if she wants to or not. But I just saw that it's hard for her to be single especially approaching the 10th anniversary of my fathers passing and I just thought that it would help and maybe you never know she could meet someone from here. | |
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