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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/22/2006 4:49:14 PM | Hi, She probably knows. A wife usually can sense, especially if we haven't had sex in a couple of years. I do what I'm supposed to but, never touch her in any way. I go out one night a week and work a few days a week away in Santa Cruz. So I guess that sort of answers your question. Most of these people answering or giving their two cents do not know the dynamics of a 40 year marriage, at least I'm trying not to hurt anyone. Listen to all of them passing judgement like they are perfect lol. I always take care of business even though it is unconventional. If you would like to talk more please contact me through PoF. Yes, I'm not an angel but, I'm honest and trying not to hurt anyone or calling other people names. I really could care less what they say. You'd think I was the only person in the world doing what I do, huh! Bull Dingy! Dave from the Bay Area  | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/22/2006 6:05:01 PM | ^^Robert....thankyou, *sigh* you Do have 'class'...  | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/23/2006 3:29:44 AM | Dave,
There's a big difference between presuming that she knows and is giving tacit approval vs. having the hard conversation with her. You have no idea the difference it will make to her if you show her, and yourself, that respect.
I'll bet you don't know why she cut you off. I'll bet you don't know why she never relented. It won't feel good for you to hear about it, but it would be _very_ useful for you to know. If I were in your shoes, I might start the conversation off that way. I wouldn't demand an answer, but I would let her know that I've been wondering exactly why it was that she cut me off. I'd let her know that I've accepted it and I have no intention of arguing with her about it and I'm not even mad any more. I'd just like to know why. And then, I'd listen very carefully to what she says. It's gone way past the point of being shocking, so just hear her out. After all, this is a friend you've known for 40 years who was once a sex partner you'd hoped to keep for life.
I would then be prepared to answer every question she might ask with complete honesty. That doesn't mean going into every detail. It means giving her all the information she needs to understand how her actions have affected you and what your current intentions are with respect to her. If she absolutely has to know whether or not I'd strayed, I'd take the conversation to a therapist who understands that his/her job is simply to ensure that no one gets punished for telling the truth. Then the therapist can talk her out of any rash ideas and you won't have to try to argue with her while she's still crazy from any shocking news.
She might have figured it all out for the most part already, but again, she shouldn't have to. Nor should you have to go on wondering what the f**k went so wrong for her that she'd do a thing like that to you. It's over and done. There's no going back. But having a respctful conversation (over the span of several months I'm sure) will set the both of you free. And then you can figure out how to honor and cherish each other once again even if you can't be sexual partners any more.
BTW, I wouldn't necessarily volunteer any information until after she's had her chance to tell you her side. I'm also assuming that she's not vindictive or violent. If your physical or financial safety is at risk, I'd talk to both a lawyer and a good therapist before approaching her directly with your question.
Good luck!
Robert | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/25/2006 11:33:10 AM | | Mr. Phoenix,Robert. Thank you for your thoughts. First of all , she did not cut me off from relations. I am just not attracted to her sexually any more. Like I said if you haven't been in a very long term relationship,you do not know the dynamics of this kind of relationship. I have respect for her just not in love anymore. I do the honorable thing and continue , am totally responsible and considerate. If I leave, it will change the whole dynamic of the rest of the family. I appreciate your imput,but I don't think you have enough experience and knowledge of long term relationships and everything it entails and the repercutions of such an action. Thank you anyway and good luck in your search. Dave | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/25/2006 6:16:36 PM | Wow, after reading all this, it seems blondago's right!
I am just not attracted to her sexually any more. And he doesn't want to hurt her by telling her.....sounds like cheating to me! Oh ,and I guess she's not hurt that he cut HER off! Suey, suey buddy! | |
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mrjb
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Joined: 12/13/2005
Msg: 83 | |
| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/25/2006 6:52:24 PM | | ok.... what exactly is BBW???? there are just too many ackronyms to keep track of | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/25/2006 7:18:57 PM | | I think a full-figured woman can be very sensual and desirable. I should know I am one. I think what most men gravitate toward are big breasts, big hips and a small waist-line. As long as they are in proportion, I don't think why size should matter. I think a few extra pounds is healthier than being underweight. | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/25/2006 9:52:39 PM | | Hi Tamara, I think they are wonderful and beautiful, like an incredible painting from the appreciative mind of Picasso. Dave | |
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Posted: 9/25/2006 9:57:26 PM | | Huh! , a quote from a single guy, great advice, try being responsible and being in a long time relationship, then maybe just maybe I might listen a little. You haven't the faintest idea what my relationship is, and you'll probably never know as I doubt you'll ever get married and stay for 40 years. | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/25/2006 9:57:43 PM | [quoteWow, after reading all this, it seems blondago's right!
I am just not attracted to her sexually any more.
And he doesn't want to hurt her by telling her.....sounds like cheating to me! Oh ,and I guess she's not hurt that he cut HER off! Suey, suey buddy!
Hmmm ... I think she's gonna clean his clock when she finds out what he's doing.
Once again I stand by my remarks.
The argument from terminal uniqueness just doesn't wash with me. Of course I can undertand. And I can even empathize even though I think you're handling it badly and are setting the stage for some very tragic consequences.
So things will change when you get honest. So what!? As things are they suck so they might as well change. Whether they change for the better after the sh*t hits the fan--whether some healing results after you lance the boil--that depends a lot on how you approach it. But hey, it's your deal and your risk. If I were a potential "other" woman I'm not sure I'd want to get caught up in it. Who'd want to wake up to find herself the proximal cause for the implosion of your family and the world you've known for 40 years?
If you're "not attracted" to her then there's a reason for it. After 40 years of practice learing how to read and touch your body, I would imagine a woman would get pretty damn good at coaxing out and prolonging every bit of pleasure that your body is capable of experiencing--as much as you could possibly stand without shattering into a million pieces.
If that's not happening for you then what the heck have you been doing with each other all these years? Taking each other for granted?
Lying to oneself to get sex is even worse than lying to someone else. At this point to pursue this any further sounds like TMI.
Blondago, I beg your pardon!
All the best,
Robert | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/25/2006 10:34:20 PM | Speaking from personal experience... I've known several, and had a LTR with one, bbw and would say that when they wanted to be... they could be much more attractive and enticing than their skinnier counterparts. No, this isn't a competition... skinny women can attract and entice very well, I've seen that too... but just wanted to put my $0.02 in for the voluptuous women... your weight is irrelevant to your sexiness, as long as it doesn't effect your self-esteem... because confidence in yourself and your body is what can really make your sexiness shine. :)
Peter
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/26/2006 7:27:17 PM | Hey Catalanguy,
I just have one more thing to say to you about your choices and my hope that you'll do right by yourself. I've done it both ways and it is much easier to deal with the trouble that comes from being honest than it is to deal with the trouble that comes from sneaking around.
For one thing, when a wife has to face the truth that the marriage isn't viable as a romantic relationship and never again will be, if I've been playing it as straight with her as I could then I can stand up for myself when she comes unglued. I can also still be her friend because I know that what she's mad at is the circumstance and not me. It still isn't easy, but the other way is really quite impossible.
For another, I can go to my grave knowing that I did right by my wife even though it was hard. Since I didn't do right by my first, and did do right by my second, I can tell you firsthand that the difference is like night and day.
Sometimes conventional morality is just oppressive bullshit. However, sometimes there is a good, self-interest reason for it. What I found was that being honorable about how I handled the bad news was helpful _to_me._ When I compromised myself to get sexual gratification it prevented me from standing up for myself when I most needed to. You can't really negotiate all that well when you're wracked with guilt and the other person, whom at some level you still care about, utterly hates you and wants to see you fry for wasting so much of her life.
Of course you're free to handle your situation as it seems best to you. But, from one guy to another, I think you'll do yourself a favor by betting on the truth. For one thing, there won't be this bitter cloud of potential doom hanging over you whenever you want to enjoy yourself as a sexual being with a partner who rings your bell.
Good luck whatever you do!
Robert | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/26/2006 9:08:00 PM | " utterly hates you and wants to see you fry for wasting so much of her life."
Yes, if she has any respect for herself at all, and believes she deserves a good life, she will want to get the heck out of that relationship altogether, and stop wasting her life. Of course she'll hate him for keeping the truth from her and keeping her from making decisions she would have made long ago (e.g. leave) if she'd known the truth.
Well, that's how i'd see it. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where i couldn't have it all!
:) Cali | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/26/2006 9:18:59 PM | LIKETHEWIND: When you're right you're right. But people need to get as far as a conversation. There's a lot to be said for actually taking the time to get to know someone. Chemistry is something you can't bottle and can only be discovered or debunked from actually meeting and hanging out.
Oh, and by the way: what is all this hullaballoo over the acceptability this thread's author being married? It's a pretty black-and-white issue: play fair or play something else. If you can't behave like a married person, then at least have the manhood to confront your mate rather than betray your "best friend" behind her back and then try to justify this form of selling out with cheap rationalization that even a drunk could see through.
It doesn't matter if anyone else is any more perfect than anyone else. There's no safety in numbers. Either you're doing the right thing or you're not. And what if the woman has been loyal this whole time -- exactly what did SHE do to deserve being back-stabbed?
If a person makes a public proclamation before their friends, relatives, and perhaps even their Maker of their love and devotion for another; and swears to maintain this arrangement for the remainder of his life, then this is a contract made of free will. There is NEVER an excuse for taking the low road. Either stay in such an arrangement or find an arrangement you can honor. But don't behave dishonorably and then try to equivicate it as a natural behavior that no one can understand or appreciate unless they've walked in your shoes personally.
I don't need to walk in Pontius Pilate's shoes to know he was a back-stabber or to find it unaccepatable. I don't need to walk in your shoes, either, to know whether or not you are a hypocrite: you made a deal and you broke it. You didn't have the manhood or the courage to approach your mate and tell her you weren't satisfied with your promised arrangement and allow her to know that you were choosing a different path. You behaved in a manner denoting an old cliche: "It's easier to ask foregiveness than to ask permission." Dude, you're a liar, a coward, and phony. And if you're so insensitive, immature, and selfish to be bloodlessly self-righteous about it, then don't bother dodging your accountiblity for your own actions by finger-pointing elsewhere or boasting about how you're emotionally impermiable. Just enjoy living with the notion that you screwed over your life partner without telling her first, big shot.
I'm sure there's a few BBWs and voluptuous women here who would have you for a moment, but don't expect someone who wants a real human being to come anywhere near you: whatever you've done to your wife you can do to them -- and what woman would want a loser like you? Your being honest about it doesn't mean crap. Just because some a-hole goes on "Oprah" and admits he killed someone doesn't make him a better person for admitting it. He's still a lowly murderer -- period. And you're still a lowly loser backstabber. I mean, really, how low have our standards dropped these days? Cold-blooded S.O.B. | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/26/2006 10:41:39 PM | Hey Cali, I guess that's why you don't have anyone. Get real! Get your own life and quit trying to put your nose in peoples business. Bye sweetheart!    | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/26/2006 10:53:13 PM | Ya know what? I myself am between what ppl would call a BBW and having some extra pounds...and sex for me HAS NEVER BEEN A PROBLEM!!! Being a confident woman is what really should count, not what she looks like on the outside... Now u men that only GOES for the skinny woman, from what I've noticed, alot of them turn out 2 be real ****es!!! Yet us BBW'S are the 1's being picked on... That kinda sucks!!! And BTW...SINCE WHEN DO ANY OF US HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ANYONE???? NONE OF US ARE PERFECT, AND WHATEVER THIS EDITOR THINKS OR DOES SHOULD HAVE ANY BEARING ON THE ACTUAL SUBJECT THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DISCUSSING HERE...  oMG...I'm NOT TAKING SIDES HERE...just trying 2 figure what all this ****ing and debating is about... What I see is a bunch of pissed off ppl when ALL OF US PROBABLY A SKELETON HIDING IN OUR OWN CLOSETS...so let's just get along here????  | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/27/2006 10:32:29 AM | I think that Catalan is just trying to avoid a messy divorce and the ruination of his finances while still getting the goodies the way he wants them. Nothing unusual here. A lot of men do it in the name of "a sense of responsibility."
I have always tried to put myself in the position of the other person in any situation I am in, before I make an action either way. If I were his wife, I would be devastated to find he is out trolling for other women.
I think he owes her truth and the choice to make her own decision after living with her for 40 years. | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/27/2006 1:51:08 PM | MOMINATRIX: Amen. What I can't figure out is where a desire for convenience and greed for advantage can in any way justify bypassing common sense, honor, or considering the debt owed to another who has been loyal for so long? Messy divorce? Financial ruin? Tough luck: if you don't want to suffer the bookie collecting his debt, then don't take gambles you can't back up. Don't write checks you can't pay for. Suffice it to say that this guy has no class and deserves whatever happens to him when she finds out.
Ever since the Clinton administration people have learned that you can reliably use the white trash technique of avoiding responsibility by insisting that you didn't commit the crime unless someone can actually prove it in court. This lack of conscience makes life cheap and the value of a commitment worthless. It's people like him that makes life for people like me all the tougher, because he proves that all men are dogs, which means the ones that aren't will have to end up paying for the crime HE committed by never really being able to prove to his wife's satisfaction (once she finds out and bounces his sorry ass) that there actually are trustworthy people out here.
Face it, if it took 40 years for this to happen -- but it happened anyway -- she's never going to live long enough to be with anyone else long enough to finally feel secure that the other shoe isn't going to drop eventually -- so this heartless bast**d ruins her life and the life of the guy who would find her to be the perfect catch.
As someone who's gone through this repeatedly, I've earned chevrons that should have been suffered by someone else on more than one occasion. His selfish and childish thoughtlessness has more far-reaching ramifications than he realizes -- not that HE cares, given that it's all about looking out for #1. So thanks for nothing to this survivalist schmuck and the millions like him who continue to pollute the gene pool and make my life and the lives of other decent men needlessly screwed. | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/27/2006 10:54:41 PM |
As someone who's gone through this repeatedly, I've earned chevrons that should have been suffered by someone else on more than one occasion.
Hey BeatlesFan,
There's a lot more to this than Clinton's capers and cheaters. I feel bad for Catalanguy's wife, but I also feel bad for him and other men in his position. Yes, I've been there. When you're in that mindset it does look different. It looks like you're the victim.
And when you're the _wife_ in a marriage like that, you aren't innocent either. Just because he was the one to cut her off doesn't mean that it wasn't _bad._ It would have had to be bad for him to want to do that. How did it reach that point? What went on on her side to allow his respect and trust for her to deteriorate to such an extent? What the hell has she been doing all those years?
We aren't just dealing with one irresponsible unconscious and selfish idiot here. My guess is that wife is no angel, but since he's the one who acted out, the one who chose to reach out for some life, she'll be able to use that to blame him and justify whatever excuses and justifications she wants to remain self-righteously self-centered and unconscious.
If you can't talk to a woman about what isn't working for you sexually, she's not a safe person to be having sex with--let alone marry. Who knows why people married each other 40 years ago, but the mores were certainly different then. People got married for all sorts of reasons and thought that spouses were there to "do for" them--and also that they were entitled to have them!
No. Catalanguy is screwing up, but I'm not ready to cast him as the pig and her as the tragically decieved angel. If he can't talk to after 40 years--if she doesn't know enough about his body and soul to keep him so satisfied that he couldn't imagine settling for anyone else with lesser skills and worse attunement, she has to bear a measure of responsiblity for what is happening in their marriage.
To presume anything else is to perpetuate the sexist stereotypes that keep both women and men miserable. And yes, it sucks to be the one lied to, but it also sucks to be the one who feels that lying is the least-bad choice with a partner who can't be trusted to deal reasonably with the truth.
So, can we get back on topic? Gotta love those hourglass figures! 
All the best,
Robert | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/27/2006 11:20:28 PM | Oh, I got side-tracked, sort of. Those chevrons you spoke of, BeatlesFan, aren't fair and aren't right, but to the extent that they've landed on you in the service of women's entitlement--their privilege in a sexist society to be considered morally superior whenever things go bad--they aren't really yours to bear and I hope that you won't tolerate any more of that sort of abuse. Also, they aren't really the fault of the other men, though I admit that screwed-up males do play their part.
I can have all the compassion in the world for a woman who's been done wrong, but that doesn't mean I'm going to date her. I have to refer back to that icon of female morality, Dr. Laura. She is one tough customer, and way too mean for my taste, but she makes a really good point: when women pick men who act like bums, they get the treatment that only men who act like bums can give. Why do women pick such men? So that they can feel self-righteous! And why do they need to feel like that? Because they're not capable of relating to men as equals.
When a woman complains to me about how she's been mistreated, I start looking for my running shoes. Why? Because that's a woman who will not take responsiblity for her life. If a woman starts to tell me about how bad men are in general, I'm gone. Why? Because not only will she not take responsiblity, she's warming up to take out her rage on me and checking to see how much abuse I'll put up with for the privlege of hanging out with her. I've already paid for my sins and turned my behavior around. When that other shoe drops it's going to be bullshit--and the better the sex is the worse the accompanying abuse will feel by contrast.
Totally not worth it. Not for a second.
When a woman tells me with all sincerity that she used to pick losers until she found some respect for herself, I know I've found a potential friend. When she tells me what she used to do to the men in her life that she now regrets, I know that I'm dealing with someone who is taking responsibility. And when she tells me why she stopped doing those things, I know that there's potential for genuine trustworthiness. To me, these days at any rate, that's starting to look like a _very_ sexy quality--much sexier than any particular configuration of body parts.
All the best,
Robert | |
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/28/2006 12:23:48 AM | exotic818 has my vote!! BBW stand for Big Beautiful Woman correct? Ok, so I guess those ppl that are turned on by anorexic women would be lookin for SAW (Small Anorexic Woman)?
Sorry, just got a bad visual on the SAW, but this forum is really interesting, sort of puts those beautiful, CURVY, voluptous, proportionatly correct women on a pedestal where they belong. AWEOME!!
You all have a nice night, just with I had someone fitting exotic818's description here with me now...
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| Full figured to BBW
Posted: 9/28/2006 12:25:52 AM | TYPO'S!!!! AWESOME was the correct word in the second paragraph... my apologies to those that spell correctly all the time...
now it's night time... nite... | |
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