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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 10/5/2006 8:49:32 PM | My father was an alcoholic who died when I was 14 yrs old. I left home at 13 to live with my coldhearted, loveless mother because that was better than seeing him going downhill so fast with my alcoholic stepmother. You see, the hardest part for me was leaving, I loved him with all my heart, I still cry for him and what we lost 28 yrs ago. My father routinely totalled vehicles due to his drinking, he never hurt anyone and rarely got hurt himself ... until the night I left. He ran a stop sign in the middle of nowhere and got t-boned. He was seriously injured, no one ever told me what happened to the other driver and I've only recently begun to wonder.
Anyway, to get to the point of this post, although I loved him dearly, I never told him, it was just not something our family ever said to one another, and we still don't. Six months after I moved out, I went home to visit for his birthday, I told him that day I loved him, he died a week later. You see, not long after I moved out he quit drinking, a couple of months after that he kicked my stepmother out. Unfortunately, his drinking had taken a terrible toll on his body already and it just gave out. I am so thankful to this day that I was able to tell him that and forgive him. I will never regret that.
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 10/5/2006 8:57:37 PM | I think that having the chance to be with your father after all these years ...the one and only father you will ever have ...and trying to have just a few happy, precious moments with him before he passes away is the only thing to do. There is no question about it. To kill that chance off because of your sense of righteousness is something you would always regret. My guess is that you really have some kind of emotional crutch about this and what you would do is hold onto it ...if it were resolved, you'd have to let it go, wouldnt you ...
You father might have felt so guilty that he couldnt face you any longer and put you into someone's care to give you persmission for a better life than he could have offered ....and maybe he made the right decision ...maybe not, I dont know ....
You have a chance to find a resolution and make closure ....no one loses ...turn your back on it, everyone loses ....
Are you such an emotional coward that you cant give this to your own father and cant find the forgiveness in yourself so you can move on?
Sorry, but there is no debating this one.
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 10/5/2006 10:09:37 PM | Ach aye, friends have I that faced this dilemma. Foster parented, adopted, abandoned and raised by a a lone parent, always wondering about that missing mother or father (or both).
Some went looking for parents or siblings, also adopted. To mind, comes five I have known a little. One found a sister, a depressed drug user, who became her responsibility and never could be the family she longed for. One went searching for his mother, who abandoned him early in life. He suffered much for that loss. He found her when he was in his early 20s; she, too, had many problems and he realized he could never form the relationship with her he so desparately wanted. It was that realization that brought him closed to his step-mother. Here, the outcome was no so grim.
One young man, whom I counseled on the fly (I was on a trip, and met his and his adoptive father, as they shared a table with me at a Japanese hibachi style restaurant), could not reach back to his parents - they were dead, killed in a car accident with his brother. This young man of 19, with his wealthy adoptive father who also doted on his natural son, was bitter and very unhappy. We had a chance to talk quietly; exchanged our stories. I think it may have been the first time that he understood that there are many flavors of aloneness.
The fourth acquaintance went looking for biological parents, a condition allowed and supported by the foster family. Found a father who wished nothing to do with her and a mother who was distraught, unable to cope emotionally with face-to-face reality of an angry adult demands for answers. Maybe it was that harshm loaded question. Why? What answer suffices, in place of twenty years of a thousand times a thousand moments of wondering?
The last, the only one with a happy outcome, was contacted through a private agency who specializes in finding people. She and her mother were reunited when she was in her thirties and her mother nearly 60 - a shock, she had a mental image of a young woman waiting for her. These two were alike in many ways, able to mend fences and find forgiveness, and that elusive sense of nuclear family trust that is hard forged and won in surrogate circumstances.
There is no one pattern of experience and outcome. There is no one right answer that will fit all comers who seek redress, comprehension, understanding of long-ago circumstance. Past lives cannot be remade; lost time that cannot be relived. Broken links are only reformed where rare conditions are met. | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:50:38 PM | | I had a very troubled childhood also..My step-father molested my little sister for many years it really tore up her life just about ruinned it..I wasn't around I was in a boys home while I was in that boys home I got spinal mennigitis and was in a deep coma and experienced death twice the first death was like being in hell I saw horrible things the second very spiritual, very serene my step-father was there and heard some of the things I talked about when I came out of the coma..I didn't know for many years what happened between my step-dad and little sister..When I found out I lived in California I was over 2,000 miles away but I was going home to kill my step-dad and anyone else that got in my way, I didn't care who it was...My little sister begged me not to kill him not to f**k my life up anymore than it had been..Part of the reason why I was in that boys home is because I took the life of a child molester..This gives you an idea of how I felt towards him..One day out of the blue I got a call from him and having been a member of AA at the time softened my heart a bit but I just about died when he asked me about Jesus I am nor ever have been a preacher I do on occasion talk about the Lord..This man was a horrible person he was a killer not just of little girls souls but people too if the price was right..He also defrauded the government in my name along with my mother and ripped off thousands of dollars and when I questioned what was going on he threatened to kill me..I don't think I will ever forgive him but I listened to him and I witnessed to him 2,000 miles away over the phone and I believed him when he got on his knees and repeated the prayer I recited to him and he cried like alittle child that had been hurt like I had been like my little sister had been..And a week later to the day he had a heart attack and died. I felt like I did a good thing leading him to the lord and that's enough. | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 7/10/2008 7:12:39 PM | Well, as far as I know my father didn't kill anyone, but he did disappear for 32 years of my life.
I came home from a camping weekend (I was 41 yrs old) and I saw his name and a phone number laying on the counter. My 17 yr old came out and said....your "Dad" called. LOL! I said.....yeah....I recognize the name...but are you SURE?" LOL! Soooo, I called him. He still lives pretty far away, but I do try to visit him at least twice a year. No, we don't exactly have a "parent/child" relationship...but we have a "friendship".
You NEED to forgive him...if not for his sake....for your own. I know it's a hard concept to get hold of....but the seriousness of the offense isn't the issue. The fact probably is, that you're still hurting every day because of something that he did 34 years ago as a selfish and irresponsible act.
Forgiveness doesn't mean denying that you've been hurt. Forgiveness is NOT saying...."ohhhh, don't worry about it...it was nothing!" NO!!!!! If his repentence (sorrow) is sincere then as painful as it may be for him to hear just how much and in what ways his action hurt you, he should be willing to bear the weight of your pain (that he caused). Think of it as a "debt" that he wants to pay. Well, there is NO WAY he can do that. He can't jump into a time machine and go back and restore your family or your childhood. So, you have 2 choices......you can forgive (cancel) the debt, or you can carry the upaid invoice around with you, despising him for what he took from you and can't every pay back. Hating someone....especially a close member of your family can make YOU sick. (I know a thing or 3 about this.....my father only abandoned me....other family members did things FAR worse than that) Hate won't destroy the object it's directed toward...it only destroys the one who feels it.
There's nothing wrong with tellling him exactly and specifically what things it is that you lost because of him. How else will he KNOW what he's asking to be forgiven for? ( and how else will YOU know the the debt that you're cancelling)
People get really confused between "forgiveness" and "restoration". Many times, people who aren't terribly sorry about what the DID...but are mostly sorry that they have to pay for their deeds will say.....well....if you don't let me back in your life to mess with you some more...then you didn't really forgive me (making you the bad guy).
This simply isn't true. You can forgive without being "restored"......restoration is not always possible. You can't jump into the time machine either and go back 34 years and be a kid playing ball in the backyard again.
Like I said...my father was absent for 32 years, and the restoration is only such as was possible. We can't go back and live those years and develope the relationship we would have had if he had not been absent. What we DO have is a partially "restored" relationship...where I think of my father and his wife as....older friends.
Forgiveness is also something that can't always happen overnight....particularly when it's a great deal to be forgiven. You have to renew it daily...."Today....I forgive, today, I won't hate you, today....I cancel your debt to me". After a while....you'll find yourself being quite surprised that....you actually MEAN it. | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:19:33 PM | | Nothing can atone for such a thing. What the old man wants is forgiveness. The grown child can forgive, or not, as he/she chooses. If The Bible is true, those who freely forgive others will more freely be forgiven by God. Those who are less forgiving will find it harder to be forgiven. Only the grown child can decide what to do in his/her own case. | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 8/24/2011 11:00:59 AM | | I'm with Mae Flowers. He's done his time,lived with this horrible memory of taking other's lives...........it no doubt haunts him ALL the time,to this day. No,MOST of us (hopefully!!) don't make THAT kind of a mistake......but NONE of us are perfect. We ALL goof up;make faus pas,fall on our faces.....we make mistaks? ,.....misticks??.......MISTAKES!!The One and only Perfect One died on the cross,so we could be aquitted of our sins. The dying old man,even if he doesn't actually say the words "I'm sorry," no doubt feels them. He may even think he's unworthy of such an act. as forgiveness. The adult child needs to step up,put on his/herBig-People panties,and be the bigger person.He /She's allowed to feel however way they want to,but forgivness NEEDs to happen. Go on...toss the old fella an olive branch........guarenteed EVERYBODY will feel better for it! | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 8/27/2011 5:39:29 AM | You don't owe him a thing, you were cheated out of a family growing up, and he waits til he's sick, probably scared and dying to contact you. Live your life as best you can and be the best parent you can be when and if you become one or are already one. I lost my step-dad of 25 years to a drunk driver on Oct.1,2008. the drunk killed two innocent men that night by making the choice to drink and drive. Over double the legal limit. Plus had only been out of jail for 1 month and 4 days after serving only 1 yr and 4 months of a 5 year sentence for yup, drunk driving, and that one was his 4th or 5th drunk driving offense. If I lived in the same state as it happened in, Part of me would want to go to him face to face and tell him exactly what he did, and how it's effected our families. My 80 yr old mom is now alone, in poor heath, and heart broken. Yeah, drunk ended up getting 2 25 yr 2nd degree murder charges, which will put him around 70ish when he is eligible for parole, and they say he will die in prison because of his health and is in constant pain, I say good, I hope he lives with what he's done for the rest of his wreched life, cause I know my family sure is going to have to. Sorry this is so long, and I know it's not the same as what you went thru in the fact that I'm grown, and got to be raised by my own parents, but people need to quit saying drunk drivers just made a little mistake and deserve forgiving. They didn't make a little mistake, the delibertly got drunk, then drove, then murdered...
Sorry, just knowticed that this was a 2006 post and the op is no longer a member, I just read it some of the responces made me so mad as I said above, I'm so tried of people thinking that a drunk who delibertly drank and drove and murdered just made a mistake and it was just an accident..There is nothing accidental about a drunk driving...period..It was a choice they made. Make arrangements before you get drunk to have someone sober drive you where ever you need to go ...Even tho op won't be reading this, and it's to late to help him decide, if even one person reads this, and then makes the decision to NOT drink and drive it was worth writing..I hope this isn't deleted for maybe straying a little from op's question. but feel what I said is still connected to subject and worth leaving on if it makes people think before they drink and drive. | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 8/27/2011 4:50:03 PM | Ashley1961, when he got into that car drunk, he knew he could kill his family or others. So yes, he meant to do that. However, he has unsolved issues he needs to address and no doubt she has a curiosity about him and most likely needs to find peace. She can forgive but doesn't mean allowing him back into her life.
He chose to drive that car drunk. He chose losing his family and any future grand kids. Because he has health issues does not give him entitlement or erase what has happened.
A one time meeting with perimeters if she is willing would benefit both.
He may be remorseful but why did it take so long?
She can send him a note and ask one question, "what do you expect of me if I meet with you?" | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 8/27/2011 10:24:59 PM |
A drunk is driving, killing his family except for one child...he disappears and the child is raised in foster care...this child is grown up now and a dying old man wants to atone...what is this grown up child supposed to do? AFTER decades of no contact until now??? A moral dilema. In those cases, I believe each person has to find within themselves what is the right thing to do, and we shouldn't be judged by others on our choice. No one else can walk in your shoes and say what you should do in this situation. I think I would be curious enough to talk to this man. I would want to know how he plans to 'atone.' This is a very tough situation. When he killed his family due to an accident caused by drunk driving, he had to deal with the guilt and shame, also probably had to deal with alcoholism. How has he lived during the intervening years? What is his excuse for not contacting the one surviving child? I think, first talk to the man, then decide what you want to say to him. You don't need to forgive him. It's entirely up to you. How old were you when he abandoned you? Did you have to live in foster homes? How was you life w/o a father? You too lost your family, not just him. How can you forgive someone who seems so completely selfish? No one can tell you what to do. I can't tell you what'd I'd do because I would have to have ansers for all these questions before I could make a decision. | |
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| Imagine 34 years later a ghost of a parent appears...
Posted: 8/28/2011 9:07:14 AM |
such an old thread with a OP who has vanished .... Oh, these things are so tricky! I keep responding to threads that are really old. Why would someone bring back a thread like this? The problem is so specific and not typical.
It's annoying as he££......... | |
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