|
|
|
|
|
| |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/29/2006 12:53:21 PM | A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the
>block?"
>
>Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
>
>What's that mean?" asked the child.
>
>Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
>
>The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle
for a
>walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog is in heat,
and to
>come to you."
>
>Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline,
>and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said
>"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round
>the block."
>
>
>The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the
>leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
>
>
>
>
>
>YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so
>another dog is pushing her home | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/29/2006 3:13:02 PM | BRILLIANT WILL PASS THAT ON TO MY MATES HAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/29/2006 3:56:48 PM | | Bill clinton goes to to hell, and the Satan says, "Well, we have numerous rooms for you to spend eternity in. Since you were a leader in life, you get to choose your destiny." He takes him to the first room, its full of homosexuals, taking turns on each other, Clinton says, "NAH, I dont think so. Devil takes him to the second room, there is a swimming pool, full of bull dung, where people are diving in, head first, over, and over, again. Clinton says, "No, I don't think so." They come upon another room, filled with playboy bunnies, all of which are going down, on Jesse Jackson. Clinton says, " Hell yeah, I'll take it." So, Satan says, " OK girls your free to go." | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 8:22:34 AM | Anagrams
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 8:25:19 AM | Current top country hits
17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song ---
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 8:27:43 AM | Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119." | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 8:28:43 AM | Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.” | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 8:29:45 AM | Some things to ponder
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 9:57:19 AM | Liked those anagrams, very good.
Man: Would u sleep with me for £100..?
Woman: Nope
Man: £1000?
Woman: Nope
Man: £10,000?
Woman: nope
Man: £1,000,000
Woman: mmmm...yes
Man: Okay, now we've established what you are,
lets just haggle the price
 | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 2:44:01 PM | for those of us who like petitie women:::
Q: What could possibly be better than a tall girl wrapping her legs around you?
A: A short girl trying!! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:10:39 PM |
One for the girls....
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
ok, one for the guys.......
An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume, theres a good reason for you waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is", he replied, "breakfast".
 | |
|
bobby7
|
Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 38 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 5:43:22 PM | "hahaha!!! 2 halves make a hole etc.......... Stilll dont get it, come to think of it, its not as funny now."
I got it, and, it is funny as hell!! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 11/30/2006 10:28:09 PM | You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. * | |
|
_Arch_
|
Joined: 11/14/2006
Msg: 40 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 1:38:49 AM | A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar...
FREE BEER!
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON
WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 2:16:27 AM | | obviously you dont know us aussies too well lol | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 2:53:18 AM | some of the worst jokes but they still make ya smile.....
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal. | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 9:14:59 AM | hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!they are great jokes.
Yeah! bobby7 got the joke. can u tell keanoo, he still doesnt!
Found these quotes for the wonderful Tommy Cooper.........
"So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me",
"Can you give me a lift"?
"I said, sure, you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it."
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today,
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said, "Parking Fine".
Now you have to say, that was nice of them. | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 9:16:54 AM | | Forgot to say, Artechian, you should start a new thread with the anagrams, they're cool! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 11:35:35 AM | | i went to see paul daniels magic show last week,, it got to the half time interval and paul daniels said to the audience during the interval is there anyone from the audience who would like to come on stage and perform an illusion to pass some time away? this old boy stuck his hand up and went up on the stage,,paul daniels said to him is there anything you need to perform this illusion? the old boy said all i need is a chair, ur good assistant debbie mc ghee to help with the act.. and for you to stand at the back of the audience..so paul daniels got him a chair ,,left him with debbie mcghee and went and stood at the back of the auditorium,,the old boy said to debbie mcghee all i need you to do debbie is bend over this chair,,she does this ,,the old boy lifted her skirt up ..pulled her knickers down and started to bonk her! paul daniels came charging back onto the stage yelling what do you think ur doing thats not an illusion!! the old boy looked at him,,grinned and said no paul this is f u c k i ng magic | |
|
| |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 11:41:49 AM | im glad i started this forum up ..anyone who has had a crap day can now cheer themselves up almost immediately.. and a lot of these jokes are great and ones i havent heard..keep em coming... lifes too short and they will never stop the english public from laughing,,mind you they came bloody close with the poll tax | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 11:54:20 AM | Yeah its a great forum.
Q. How can you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it!
Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up!
| |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 11:59:06 AM | | lol dotty...... i will however make 1 rule for this forum now the festive season is approaching us thick and fast... no xmas cracker jokes .. they are banned from this forum | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/1/2006 12:37:53 PM | A bear was chasing a squirrel through the woods. They came upon a genie in his bottle. After they released the genie from the bottle and he told them he would give them each 3 wishes.
The squirrel being the gentleman he was told the bear he could be first.
So the bear says "For my first wish I want all the bears in this forest to be female". POOF! The genie makes all the bears in this forest female.
The genie turns to the squirrel... "For my first wish" says the squirrel "I want a motorcycle helmet". POOF! The genie gives the squirrel a motorcycle helmet.
Turns back to the bear... "For my second wish" says the bear, "I want all the bears in the next forest to be female". POOF! All the bears in the next forest are female.
Turns back to the squirrel... "For my second wish" says the squirrel, "I want a really fast motorcycle". POOF! The squirrel gets a really fast motorcycle... he climbs on and revs the engine.
Genie turns back to the bear... "What would you like for your third and final wish". The bear says "For my final wish..... I wish that all the other bears in the WHOLE world were female". POOF! All the other bears in the whole world are female.
Genie turns back to the squirrel, "What would you like for your third and final wish". The squirrel says (as he revs up the motorcycle to take off) "For my third and final wish... I wish for this bear to be gay". | |
|
|
| Page 2 of 35
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 |
|
Home
login 
