|
|
|
|
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/12/2007 2:31:44 AM | The next time you see a little old lady with
Shaky hands, you'll remember this story:
A little old lady, well into her eighties,
Slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet,
She wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she
Asks the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do
Have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
Ccaarrryy AAA pppinkk onnee,tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo
Inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
She asks: " Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe
Sson oooffab**** offffff?" | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/12/2007 7:47:26 PM | Little Johnny.. marches in to the kitchen where is mom is cooking..
Mom, I want a new bike, get me a new bike right now, he demands.
His mother looks up at him with amazement and asks “Excuse me young man, what did you just say to me?” Johnny looks up and says again “I want a new bike, get me a new bike right now!”
Johnny’s mom, now a little hot under the collar, looks at her son and say.. Johnny, you get in your room right now and I want you to sit down and write a letter to Jesus asking for forgiveness because that is no way to talk to me or anyone else.
Johnny turns, stomps into his room and sits down to write.
Dear Jesus, I’ll be good for 1 week if you get me a new bike… Johnny
Knowing darm well he could not be good for a whole week and knowing better than to lie to Jesus, cruppled up the letter and started over.
Dear Jesus, I’ll be good for 1 day if you get me a new bike.. Johnny
NOPE. That wouldn’t work either, he knew he couldn’t make it a whole day. So he crupples up the letter and starts looking around the room.
He walks over to a little statue of The Mother Mary. Johnny grabs the statue and tucks her safely deep into his sock drawer. He then sits down and writes….
Jesus, if you ever want to see you mother again.. Get me a new bike right now. Johnny | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/13/2007 11:18:07 AM | A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you'r e going to shit when I tell you the price."
 | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/13/2007 12:53:54 PM | | thank you for making me laugh with the jokes. (well needed!) | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/13/2007 2:04:38 PM | | A blonde woman is driving down a country road when she spots a field filled with sheep and a sheep herder with a staff in his hand standing on the edge of the field. The blonde thinks she will play a trick on this common man. Blondes are the subject of so many jokes, she reasons, it is time for a change. The blonde stops her car and gets out approaching the sheep herder. The sheep herder, intent in concentration, doe not notice the blonde woman until she is standing next to him. The sheep herder nods a hello to the blonde woman and the blonde woman flashes a friendly smile at the sheep herder. The two stand gazing out into the field for a few minutes when the blonde woman asks the sheep herder if she can guess how many sheep are in the field can she keep one of the sheep. The sheep herder smirks at the blonde woman and agrees. The blonde woman guesses 122. The sheep herder looks at her amazed at her correct guess. He nods yes that she is correct and tells her to go out into the field and select her prize. The blonde woman triumphantly feels vindicated for all the pains of harassment she endured as a blonde as she selects one of the animals in the field. She leads the animal back to her car and before she can open the car door the sheep herder yells, “Miss, can I have my dog back?” | |
|
| Two Newfies
Posted: 12/13/2007 4:24:47 PM | Two Newfies were talking over a beer, when one asks the other, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The other Newfie scratched his head, thinking hard, then says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even." | |
|
smuroF
|
Joined: 12/21/2005
Msg: 557 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/13/2007 4:33:21 PM | What are some Signs You're caught up in the holiday Shopping Frenzy?
* Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheeto's bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Babe Ruth Hummel Figures.
* Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.
* You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.
* At 95% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not -- your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!
* Sure, the sign says "1 Furby per customer", but they're probably not doing body searches.
And last, but not least....
* On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.
 | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/13/2007 8:15:15 PM | | A man tells his neighbor he thinks his wife is selling drugs. The other morning while he was running late for work the phone rang. Before he could as anything on the phone a voice said, "Hi honey, is the dope gone yet?" | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/14/2007 3:05:17 AM | Hunting and Talking
Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."  | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/14/2007 8:04:41 AM | A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you." | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/14/2007 3:20:49 PM | A man is standing on the curb, getting ready to cross the street. As soon as he steps down onto the pavement, a car comes screaming straight at him.
The man picks up speed, but so does the car. So the man turns around and heads back, but the car changes lanes and keeps coming. Now the vehicle is so close, and the pedestrian is so scared that he freezes in the middle of the intersection. The car closes in on him-then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt.
The driver rolls down the window. Behind the wheel is a squirrel. "See," sneers the squirrel, "it's not so easy, is it?"
I thought this was so cute. Hehee.... Thanks Readers Digest! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/16/2007 1:46:28 AM | a cow gets on the buss, walks to the back seat where it sees a chicken sprawled out reading the news paper, the cow syas "MOOooooove ovr"!!! the chicken rplied FUccccccccKKkkkKKKKKKKOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA]
| |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/20/2007 4:47:40 PM | Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse is that everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked or a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS's with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and says I am a cold fish.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
---------------------------
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of The United States.
Act like one! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/22/2007 8:03:45 AM | A little boy was sitting on the curb, with a bag of m&m's in one hand and a kitten on his other hand. He takes a few m&m's and scoots down the curb-few minutes latter he takes a bite off the kitten and scoots farther down the curb- shortly after he eats a few more m&m's and scoots farther down the road----then takes another bite off the little kitten!
A neighbor across the street is shocked seeing this, and comes out and ask the little boy
Hey, what do you think you are doing!! The little boy replied and said I'm playing trucker! The neighbor says what do you mean, you are playing trucker??
Little boy says -- YOU KNOW, POPPING PILLS -EATING **** AND MOVIN ON DOWN THE ROAD!! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/22/2007 8:05:54 AM | OK- HERE IS ONE FOR THE GUYS======Do you know how to make your ole lady scream twice in one night?
bang her in the rear- and when you are all done with her= wipe your****off with the curtains! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/22/2007 8:08:18 AM | here is one for the ladies==========little red riding hood is walking through the woods to her grandma's house=a big bad wolfe jumps out from the bushes and says
Little red riding hood, i'm going to F--- you!! She looks at him and says Oh NO
you arent= you're going to EAT ME- just like the story says !!
whoooooooooooooo hooooooooooo | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/22/2007 5:17:31 PM | husband comes back from an impromptu weekend away with the lads, much to his wifes dissaproval.
after much marital arguing the husband says "well i could survive without seeing you for a few days"
monday passes no sign of wife,
tues comes still no sign of wife,
wed and thurs come and go,
not until friday morn does he see his wife.......just a little from his right eye
the left was still quite swollen | |
|
| |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/23/2007 3:07:59 PM | Message from www.adultdating.com......
Your dating ad has been on our web site now for 19 years now without any reply! Do you want us to try 1 week without a picture?
Oh how we laughed! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/23/2007 7:45:03 PM | | mickey mouse divorced minnie donald duck asked why and he said shes f**cking goofy | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/23/2007 7:46:42 PM | | doctor sometimes i think im a wigwam and sometimes i think im a teepee,dont worry your just too tense | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/23/2007 7:48:41 PM | | doctor sometimes i think im donald duck and sometimes i think im micky mouse,dont worry your just having disney spells | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/24/2007 8:23:16 AM | in the hen house is the old rooster. he aint quite doing his duties so well anymore so the farmer introduces a new rooster.
"im the big man around here now" says the virile young rooster,
"thats fine" says the old 'un "im just gonna take a dozen or so of these couple of hundred hens and live out my retirment in the old coup in the corner."
"hell no," says the the strapping young rooster, "these are all mine and you aint getting any!!"
"ok, tell you what," says oldie, "i challenge you to a running race around the yard. 5 laps, but you need to give me a bit of a head start. say about 40 yards...?"
"no problem, you may as well have a hundred, im gonna win easy!!"
"sure. if you win, you get all the roosters. if i win, i get my dozen" says the aging rooster.
"agreed. im going to win so easily!!" boasts the youngster.
so the race is on. they start, with the old boy having a hundred yard head start.
at the end of the first lap, the youngster is only 80 yards behind. at the end of the second lap, hes only 50 yards behind. on the third, hes only a few yards behind, when theres an almighty BANG!!!!
the young rooster has disappeared in a cloud of feathers, and the farmers stood there with a smoking twelve bore.
"DAMNIT!!" says the farmer, "thats the third gay rooster ive bought this week!!!!"
   | |
|
| |
| |
|
| Page 23 of 28
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 |
|
Home
login 
...