|
|
|
|
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/21/2008 6:03:27 PM | Why did the chicken cross the road???.......
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-media processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, " Thou shalt cross the road. " And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes, Scully. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? "
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, " Why did the chicken cross the road? " Rather, it is, " Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing? "
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with the chicken.
PRESIDENT BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because there were weapons of mass destruction... Ummm, yeah... thats why, weapons of mass destruction... | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/22/2008 11:58:13 PM | A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk. | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/27/2008 1:57:35 PM | | irish evil knevel jumped 14 motor bikes in a double decker bus he would have made it but somebody rang the bell | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/27/2008 2:02:05 PM | | irish man on the roof of a burning house paddy jump onto the sheet no says paddy im irish you english hate the irish i jump you pull the sheet away put the sheet on the floor then il jump: | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/27/2008 2:04:59 PM | | irish working mans club hade a sweepstake to guess were they were going on the mystery tour the driver won 68 pounds | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/29/2008 12:47:36 PM | we have long hair either because we are mixed with something or just gfrew up with it ! dats all   | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 1/30/2008 1:30:39 AM | It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003 | |
|
| |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/20/2008 8:33:33 AM | 2008 Tax Code
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet
is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time
it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time
it is hard up 20% of the time it is pissed off
and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that,
it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007,
the penis will now be taxed according to size.
(Thanks to our new speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi)
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12' Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10' Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8' Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5' Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12' must file capital gains.
Anyone fewer than 4 inches is eligible for
a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/20/2008 10:40:42 AM | A man drowned in a tub of milk with a banana in his ear.
Authorities suspect a cereal killer.
  | |
|
| |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/20/2008 6:13:47 PM | A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
OH YEAH SHE HAS THE RIGHT ATTITUDE!!! 
 me.. LOL | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/20/2008 7:11:05 PM | A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says "hey jackass get me a beer". The guy drinks the beer and says again to the bartender " hey jackass get me a beer". A gentlemen across the bar hears this not liking the situation. The first guy finished his second beer and one more time says " hey jackass get me a beer", the guy drinks the beer pays his tab and leaves. The guy across the bar watching says to the bartender "why do you let him call youthat"? So the bartender says "hee-haw hee-always calls me that".
  | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/20/2008 7:36:28 PM | My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one
of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,
but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax, yeah...right!" I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids,
I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I
see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I
touch.
I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
SEALED SHUT!!!!
MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!
SEALED SHUT!!!!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to
do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
WRONG!!!!!!!******
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used
to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -
I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the
bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced
me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter......
"So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the
tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
hoo-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape
the wax off with a razor
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend
and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/21/2008 9:49:48 AM | The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had Faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.
'I would really like to see Ex President, Bill Clinton and his wife
Hillary Clinton, before I die,' whispered the priest.
'I'll see what I can do, Father,' replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the ex Presidents office and waited
for a response. Soon the word arrived, former prime-ministers would
be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Bill commented to Hillary, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get you elected someday.'
Hillary, agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Bill Clinton spoke. 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'
The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.'
'Amen,' said Bill.
'Amen,' said Hillary.
The old priest continued, 'Jesus died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.' | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/21/2008 8:04:09 PM | | The setting for this joke is a little stable in Bethlehem, the Lord had just been born and all the children from the neighboring villages gathered round to pay homage to this new king that had just been born. Three wise men saw this star in the east and they followed it because they new it had great significance. They arrived at the stable. The first wise man stepped forward with his gift of gold and stepped on a rake that was laying on the floor. The rake sprung up and smacked him right in the face. "Jesus Christ" he screamed. Mary said" Now that's a pretty name, we were going to call him Rudolph"... | |
|
| What kids say
Posted: 2/21/2008 11:51:11 PM | HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
* "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
(Tom, 7)
* "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
(Roger, 8)
* "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage."
(Randy, 8) | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/23/2008 6:11:54 AM | This young lady is finally getting married to her greek boyfriend. The night before the wedding her father takes her aside and says "Some of the greeks have some strange habits so I want you to promise me, if he ever asks you to try it the other way, tell him no". The daughter looks bewildered "But daddy, what do you mean"? she asks. "Never mind what do I mean, just promise me". So the daughter promises her father.
Several months later she's laying in bed when she remembers this conversation she had with her father. Her husband had been wonderful and and never mentioned this to her. Feeling adventurous she says to her husband "Have you ever thought about trying it the other way". Her husband looked at her with a shocked expression and replied
"What, and have babies". | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:39:28 AM | Hi everyone.. not sure if this joke has been on here or not, but here it goes.. Enjoy!
TOO SMART
A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what's your problem.?"
Harry answered. "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 X 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 X 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal. "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I dont have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question. Harry replied. "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry. "Pants."
Ms. Brooks. "What starts with a C ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?". The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, and a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "put Harry in the fifth grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."
All right now, I know what some of you were thinking!!! Get your minds of the gutter!!
  | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/25/2008 12:25:45 PM | SILK PAJAMAS
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but,
otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box.
 | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/27/2008 4:30:56 AM | Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef
A gang member was holding his 8-month-old baby while his wife was in the kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother." The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk replies, "Boobs."
A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!" "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "Nope." says the first IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop." "Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"
| |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:30:27 AM | Monica Lewinski's Ex Boyfriend's Wife for President!!
| |
|
| Got to love those "Emoticons"
Posted: 3/12/2008 8:24:37 PM | We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned! | |
|
| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 3/13/2008 12:51:35 PM | Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom and see's his
Dad giving his mum one,his Dad just laugh's and throws a
pillow at him and says "Get out"
A little while later Johnny's Dad hears a right commotion
coming from Johnny's room,he rushes in and is
horrified to see Johnny shagging his Gran - Johnny
just looks at him and says
"Not so ****ing funny when it's your mam is it". | |
|
| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 3/13/2008 12:53:11 PM | Teacher to class
"What does your dad do at weekends"?
Johnny says"He's a dancer in a gay bar
and sometimes if the money's right he
lets punters bang him in the arse and come
in his mouth"
Teacher pulling Johnny aside
"Is that true"?
"No miss,truth is he plays football for
England but i was to embarrassed to say" | |
|
|
| Page 25 of 29
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 |
|
Home
login 
