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| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 3/13/2008 12:54:16 PM | Polish immigrant goes to spec-savers for
a eye test.
Optician shows him the card with the letters
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read that?"
The pole says..."Read it?i know the **stard!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/13/2008 7:02:02 PM | | no matter how many times i hear this joke... i laugh. love it! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/13/2008 8:35:07 PM | One day a man who had been ship-wrecked on a deserted island for more than 10 years saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought ''It's certainly not a ship.''
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black-clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde walked toward the stunned castaway and said to him ''How long has it been since you had a good cigar.''
''Ten years,'' replied our amazed man.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag.
''Wonderful!'' said the man, ''This is so good. I'd almost forgotten how great a cigar can be!''
"And how long has it been since you've had a good Single Malt?'' asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, ''Ten years.''
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket - removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
''Fantastic!'' he says. ''Truly a nectar of the gods!''
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked ''And how long has it been since you played around?''
With tears in his eyes, our castaway fell to his knees and sobbed.
'' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!'' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/14/2008 12:53:19 PM | A family are driving behind a dust cart when a
dildo flies out and hits their windscreen.
Embarassed and to protect her young sons
innocense the woman says that was a big
insect! One of her sons says i'm surprised
it can fly with a****that size!* | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/14/2008 12:54:17 PM | 3 Vampires walk into a bar.
First one orders a blood on the rocks
second one orders a double blood and
the third simply asks for a mug of
hot water.
"Why didnt you order blood like the
others?"asks the barman.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says
"I'm making tea!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 3/14/2008 12:56:06 PM | The new vicar was up early one sunday morning
walking around his new parish after leaving his wife
in bed with the papers a cup of tea and some
cigarettes.One of the old villagers came up to him
and said "Morning vicar,how be you and the wife?"
The vicar replied "Good morning my man,i'm fine
and so is my wife,i've left her in bed smoking"
The villager said "ARR,vicar,thats the way to **** um!" | |
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| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 3/14/2008 1:04:26 PM | I love those assicons and had never seen them before. Here is one that I have just made up, maybe u can use it!
( _* _) The sun shines out of his Ass
Have a great day!, the
Grasshopper | |
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| Q & A
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:18:29 PM | Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder. | |
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| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 3/16/2008 11:50:02 PM | You have a great day too Grasshopper ;-)
You did well to think of ( _*_ ) the sun shines out of his Ass... (and love the way you said 'his') ;-) | |
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| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:22:59 AM | THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he
and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
( you'll love this...)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas,
Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia and Washington DC. AND GEORGIA | |
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| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 6/25/2008 7:11:18 AM | JUST IN FROM CANADA
Dear US Citizens,
We in Canada cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an
election in the USA .
On one side, you have a b itch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer...
running against a lawyer who is married to a b itch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking
woman with big breasts who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?'
Sincerely,
Your Friends from Canada | |
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| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:54:36 PM | ^^^
A man came to visit his grandparents, and
he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in
the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing
on from
the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie
is out in
the wind for everyone to see!' he
exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance
without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out
here with
nothing on below the waist?' he asked
again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no
shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck.
This is your
grandma's idea. | |
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| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:45:41 PM | Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and
Gomer. The three men had done everything together.
Cooter looked at the body and said 'yep, he is pretty burnt up, roll him over'.
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'no, it ain't Bubba'. The mortician thought this was strange so he called Gomer over.
Gomer looked at the body and said 'yep, he's pretty well burnt up, roll him over',
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'nope, it ain't Bubba'. The mortician
asked, "how can you tell"?
Gomer said, "well, Bubba had two ***holes'. 'What?, asked the mortician.'
'Yep, we never seen 'em, but everybody always said 'there goes Bubba with those
two ***holes'.....  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/26/2008 6:53:43 PM | Confusius say:
Virginity like bubble, one prick and all gone
Man who run in from of car get tired
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Man with hand in pocket feel**** all day
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
Man with on chopstick, go hungry
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernail
Baseball is wrong; Man with four balls cannot walk
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left
Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cathouse
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it
Man who drive like hell bound to get there
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement
Man who fish in other man's well, often get crabs
Man who fart in church sit in own pew
Crowded elevator smelled different to midget | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/26/2008 8:38:50 PM | Bob and Bill are two life-long friends who often have philosophical discussions regarding the possibility of the existence of God and so forth. One day, they make a pact that if at all possible, whoever passes first will attempt to come back from the beyond and give the other a sign of life after death.
As fate would have it, a few years later, Bob dies from a heart attack.
One night, about a week after attending Bob's funeral, Bill is awoken from a deep sleep by a voice that sounds kind of familiar calling his name : BILLLLLL BILLLLL, WAKE UP BILLLL...
Bill jumps out of bed and as he wakes up better, begins to realize that the voice sounds an awful lot like his dear departed friend...."Bob is that you"? he says.
YES, It IS ME BILL is the reply
Remembering their pact, Bill is quick to ask the Bob the big question: "Bob...you've come back from the beyond to honor our deal. Please tell me - I have to know - what is life after death like?"
WELL IT'S GREAT BILL... I GET UP IN THE MORNING, AND SCREW. THEN I HAVE BREAKFAST. THEN I SCREW SOME MORE. THEN I HAVE LUNCH. THEN I SCREW YET SOME MORE. THEN I HAVE DINNER. THEN I SCREW UNTIL I AM SO TIRED I HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP!!!
Bill can hardly believe what he is hearing and says "Wow, that's incredible...now I can hardly wait to die and go to Heaven!".
HEAVEN??? WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HEAVEN? I'M RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW - I'M A RABBIT!!! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/27/2008 8:07:23 AM | Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra..
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f****' dishes!' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/27/2008 11:26:31 AM | 
Wife gets home early and catches hubby having a hamshank in the kitchen.
She rushes over and gives him a great blow job, after it he says...
Wow, we haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this! Why?
Wife replies, "I just washed the floor this morning, so I'd rather clean my teeth
than clean the fkn floor again". | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:34:41 AM | | To *dotty* on joke of the day.excellent had a good laff at that. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 1:50:28 AM | | Another cracker from chester lad...how do you remember all these jokes?? | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 2:51:39 AM | A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped an inch from a shopfront window. For a second or two everything went quite in the cab, then the driver said, "look mate, don't ever do that again, you scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger appologised and said, " i didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "sorry it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, for the last 25years i've been driving a Hearse."  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 6:21:38 AM | What do you call a dog with no legs ?
Nothing he wont come to you anyway 
How do you exercise a dog with no legs ?
Take him for a drag  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 6:34:00 AM | No Offence Fellas, just a joke.
Why are men like Crayfish ?
All arms, legs and a head full of shit.
Why are men like Mushrooms ?
Big heads, small stalks and thrive on bullshit.
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:03:31 AM | I hope people dont find this rasist as I AM NOT but i think its clever.
What do you call a black man crying ?
Emotional Black Male.
Mummy, Mummy I hate Daddy's guts.
Well push them aside and eat your veges. 
Mummy, Mummy why is Daddy running around in circles ?
Just hold him still so I can nail his other foot down. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:09:49 AM | *****************************BREAKING NEWS*******************************
ABC reports that petrol sations will soon be showin porn movies on the screens of pums so that we can see someone else getting screwed at the same time you do.
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