|
|
|
|
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 7:17:21 AM | ***************************Garfield on the Oil Crisis****************************
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an OIL shortage in our country.
Well, there's actually a simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the OIL.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely GEOGRAPHICAL.
Our OIL is located in, Bass Straight, East Queensland Shale Fields, Canning Basin and the North-West Continental Shelf.
Unfortuneately our DIPSTICKS are located in CANBERRA ! ! !
  | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/28/2008 10:17:14 AM | Before marrage........
He: Yes.... At last! It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! why are you even asking!
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marrage..........................
just read it backwards   | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/29/2008 2:16:02 PM | Why on earth do people put a smilley at the end of their jokes,ruins them IMO .
anyway
Osama Bin Laden and his mate went to Wales the other day and the farmer caught Osama shagging one of his sheep .You cant do that shouts the farmer .Osamas mate replies "their islambs ,he can do what he wants with them " . | |
|
| |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/30/2008 2:23:37 PM | A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it.'
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course,' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think liberals come from.' | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/30/2008 4:55:51 PM | I didn't read all the jokes so I apologize if this one has been posted already
An 70 year old woman walks into an Adult Store. She asks the clerk, "Excuuussssee mmmeeeee buuuttt doooo youuuuuu seeeellllll diiillldoos heeerrreee."
The clerk replied, "Yes maam we do. Would you like to see what we have in stock."
The woman replied, "Noooooo, Iiiiii waaaannttt ttttoooo knnnoowww hooow toooo turrrrnnn thhhheeee daaaammmnn thhinnnggg ooooffffff." | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:01:22 AM | This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener .... | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/1/2008 11:16:25 AM | How many Scottish managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to notice that it needs changing, one to prepare a budget, one to sign it off, one to order it from supplies and one to tell their secretary it needs replacing.
A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at
attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!
 | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:19:14 PM | omg that was funny right ther, LOL. good one, keep em coming .  | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/1/2008 9:18:31 PM | A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
"The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One" " Then he adds, "Have you driven
a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....'Like a Rock!' "
And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer"
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!!!!! | |
|
| Got to love those Emoticons
Posted: 7/29/2008 1:05:37 AM | I'm more of a boob man, myself
Perfect breasts: (o)(o)
Silicone breasts: ( + )( + )
Perky breasts: (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts: (@)(@)
A cups: o o
D cups: { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts: (oYo)
Cold breasts: ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts: (o)(O)
Pierced breasts: (Q)(O)
Hanging tassels breasts: (p)(p)
Grandma's breasts: \ o /\ o /
Against the shower door breasts: ( )( )
Android breasts: | o | | o |
Mamogram breasts: (_)(_)
Martha Stewart's breasts: ($)($) | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/30/2008 10:29:33 AM | "A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count
on the support of Paul."
Of course, Paul's support is obvious, but it is equally
obvious that to rob from Peter to pay Paul will make Peter
very, very angry.
My question is this: "How can you run a good government
with a sore Peter?" | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2008 3:50:47 PM | >>>
A guy fell asleep on an Aussie beach for several hours
and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted
after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding
with Saline, Electrolytes, a Sedative and a Viagra pill
every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do a thing for his condition,
but it will keep the sheets off his legs.' | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2008 4:16:07 PM | How many Partick Thistle supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Och he'll manage fine his self | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2008 4:16:59 PM | | Is that why he had his enemies hung drawn and quartered? | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:56:05 PM | | i stumbled on this forum by accidentgood job everyonehope no one minds if i join in.....What did the boy potato chip say to the girl potato chip...are you free to lay....the word of the day...the word of the day is legs....spread the word | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/5/2008 12:51:52 AM | An old couple down on their luck notice they are too far in debt, mortgage is due, and social security just isn't cutting it.
The old man says "Honey, let's face facts. One of us has got to get a job."
The old lady says " But sweety, you know you are disabled, and I haven't had a job for over 50 years."
The old man says "Well, the only thing I can think of is if you become a prostitute, but let's think on this awhile."
They try every form of assistance and job search to no avail.
Finally, the old lady decides she has to become a prostitute or they will be penniless, homeless, and starving.
She tells her husband she has resigned herself to walk the streets for money, as it is the last option left. With tears in his eyes he kisses his wife and wishes her luck and reminds her how much he loves her.
She's gone for 4 hours, 6 hours, and at 12 hours he starts to get worried when she finally makes it home walking bowlegged and tired.
She places her purse on the counter and lays down on the couch.
He picks up her purse and they pour out its contents to discover she made a whopping four hundred dollars and fifty cents!
He counts it twice, then looks at her and says:
"That's a good sum of money for one days work, honey. But I have to ask....Who gave you the fifty cents?"
She replies "Why, everybody did dear." | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/5/2008 2:28:40 AM | There once was a gay man and a gay woman. The man was from "Sydney Australlia". The woman was from "Florence Italy". They happened to meet and fell madly in love with each other and wasted no time and got married instantly even though thet were gay oddly enough.
On came the honeymoon night. Realizing they could not express love in a proper way for each other, they realized they had made a big mistake by rushing off to get married.
They admitted that they acted foolishly so she went back to "Florence" and he went back to "Sydney". | |
|
| |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/5/2008 5:14:16 PM | Thanks very much! Wait till tomorrow.......Here's a hint:  | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/5/2008 10:31:34 PM | What more romantic than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ. | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/6/2008 1:56:41 AM | There once was a man who owned a fish market. He took pride in his work and sold only the best quality fish he could get. This man was a lover of a very tasty fish called “Damm
Fish”. It got its name because it resided by a Damm off the coast in “South America”. One day his daily order of fresh fish arrived and he found that his favorite fish had finally arrived.
Overwhelmed with happiness, he called his wife and asked if she could prepare it for dinner that night. “Yes,” she replied, and his day was filled with thoughts of eating his favorite fish.
That evening he came home exhausted but eagerly looked forward to eating his fish.
On the table, piping hot with all the spices he loved was there. The family sat down and his wife put the fish far from his reach. In an instant he asked his wife if she could pass the “Damm Fish”.
Immediately after his fathers request his eldest son said, “Now you’re talkin’ dad, pass the freakin potatoes!
In the famous words of the “Paul Harvey,”…………….Good,…….........…….Daaaaaaaaaay! | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/6/2008 10:36:04 PM | I love these jokes! Here in Colorado, once a month the State gives a Citizenship test to those who want to become citizens. It is a two part test. First is the written portion and if you past that-then you take the oral examine. A tester takes the person into a room for a one on one oral test. So one day this guy from Pakistan comes in and passes the written portion and the tester calls him into the next room and this is what took place:
"Hi,this is your oral test and what I want you to do is make up a short story using the words- ah, lets say-ah....Pink, and..green, and..ah.. how about the word ..Yellow?" So the young man sits there for a few minutes and then announces that he's ready. So the tester says "Go ahead, I'm Ready to listen" The Pakistan guy says " I be sittin in de offose whin de phone goes-GREEN-GREEN- GREEN, and so I PINK it up and say "yellow, yellow, may I be of assist to you plez" He passed the test and now works for Verizon. | |
|
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/7/2008 1:21:53 AM | There once was a bisexual woman who had an agonizing toothache. Her previous dentist had just retired so she found a new one who advertised in the yellow pages. Immediately she called the number and made an appointment and showed up for her for treatment in that same exact day because the pain was becoming so unbearable. The receptionist had no previous files on her when she arrived so she was told to fill out an application for the dentist’s future records because she was a new patient.
She entered all the required information in detail requested by the dentist but when she had to check off the box that said sex she became so excited that oddly enough her pain subsided. There was an M and an F. All she had to do was check F in the box for female but she didn’t, she actually wrote the letter Y in the box right away.
After completing her application she became so happy that she found this dentist’s office she couldn’t wait to get home to tell her friends about it so they could go too. When it was her time to be seen, the receptionist called her name and questioned why she checked Y for sex.
The woman at that point was really eager to be seen and said, “When I saw M for male and F for female the reason why I checked Y was because I meant yes, I’ll take on both of them before my tooth is checked”.
Yes, you can actually make these things up.................................. | |
|
| |
|
| Page 27 of 29
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 |
|
Home
login 
