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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 726 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/1/2009 9:06:08 AM |
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome
since both ultimately result in death
Now Thats Funny!
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/1/2009 8:58:03 PM | Where does an Irish family go for their vacation?
Another bar.
.......................................................................................
Like it made me laugh:  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/5/2009 1:14:24 PM | Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house,
she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care
of you.
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests..
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy l egs!'
'Don't20worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:11:00 PM | FROZEN SKUNK
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'
'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
'But what about the smell?'
'Just hold its little nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/6/2009 12:15:11 AM | A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.
Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his ***hole.
She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm." | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:25:12 PM | Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota Spring Opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into
his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.
'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole,
'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/7/2009 1:36:27 PM | A lobster fisherman from Maine gets pulled over by a New Hampshire State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the lobster fisherman about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the lobster fisherman feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The lobster fisherman says, "Havin' some problem with them horse flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "horse flies hang around farms. They're called horse flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's *ss?"
"No, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "Have too much respect for law enforcement to call you a horse's *ss."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the lobster fisherman, in his best Maine drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though". | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/7/2009 2:25:34 PM | Betty was supposed to go out with Joe on Friday night.
On Friday aftenoon Joe called and said he didn't think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends
Betty hung up on him and called him back.
He said Hello?
Betty said, Hey friend, it's me.
Want to hear what this jerk just did to me? | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/7/2009 5:04:28 PM | Here's one
When is a man most intelligent? before, during or after sex?
It would be during, as that's when he is plugged into the Know it all.
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:30:23 PM | A plane is flying over the ocean.
There are a total of 5 passengers, along with the pilot. The world's greatest basketball player, the world's greatest football player, Bill Gates, and a father and his son.
About halfway over the ocean the plane begins to shake rapidly, and then everything stops. The pilot rushes out to the passengers and says, "Unfotunately, we are running low on fuel, and we will crash in about 10 minutes, as a Pilot never goes down with his plane I will be taking one of the seven parachutes."
So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 4 parachutes left, 5 people left.
The world's greatest basketball player stands up and says, "I'm the world's greatest basketball player, the world needs great basketball players!" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 3 parachutes left, 4 people.
The world's greatest tennis player stands up and says, "I'm the world's greatest tennis player, the world needs great tennis players!" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 2 parachutes left, 3 people.
Bill Gates stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person alive, the world needs smart people!" So he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. 1 parachute left, 2 people.
The father looks his son in the eyes and says, "Go son, I want you to live, I will stay with the plane."
The son says, "But daddy the smartest person in the world just jumped off with my backpack!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:17:30 PM | FIVE Ways to be a Happy Man!
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:47:45 AM | | Ann and Joe were out for a walk. Ann says i need a piss and goes behind a bush. Joe hears her knickers come down and feeling a bit kinky puts his hand thru between her legs and feels something hanging. Ann have you changed your sex? No, she replies i have changed my mind im having a shit | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/11/2009 12:28:13 PM | THE HORTH WITHPERER
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again,
and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams
the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and
slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase
that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/11/2009 12:57:46 PM | Man walks into a psychiatrist's office, says, "Doc! Ya gotta help me! Nobody'll talk to me!".
Psychiatrist says, "Next". | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/11/2009 2:58:01 PM | Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said,
"Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look
awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and
watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said.
The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake.
They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into
bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night.
Daryl sat up and watched me all night." | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/11/2009 2:59:37 PM | AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw
that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top
of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you
could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped
his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen.'  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:28:49 AM | Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are at a campsite, laying in their respective sleeping bags.
Holmes says, "Watson, when you look up at the night sky, what do you deduce?"
Watson considers this for a while, then finally answers, "Holmes, when I look at the stars, I marvel at the magnificence of the heavens, the unutterable beauty of the Creation, the incomprehensible vastness of the Universe. When I look at the night sky, Holmes, I feel humility, peace, and awe."
Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot! Moriarty's stolen our tent again!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 10:49:06 AM | Why do women close their eyes during sex?
Because they hate to see you enjoying yourself..
BADUMCHING! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 11:13:29 AM | Single vs Engaged vs Married:
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:33:46 PM | One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied 'It's not talcum powder ... it's 'Miracle Grow' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:37:32 PM | A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm.
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna
do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:39:46 PM | THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD ...
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!! | |
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| "IT" happens.
Posted: 2/13/2009 8:36:08 PM | RE: Sr.Laughalot: I've always wondered:
Why, when someone dumps a load in the toilet and flushes it, it's called "taking" a sh!t? You obviously don't want it or you wouldn't flush and leave. And conversely: Why, when you care, is it called "giving" a sh!t? Are there people who ask for sh!t? Or want sh!t? Who are these people? I can give them plenty of sh!t if they really want it...
Oh yeah, is there a "Jr." Laughalot? Inquiring minds want to know...
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