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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 776 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 4/13/2009 2:06:00 PM | EARTHQUAKE IN MEXICO
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
Mexico .
Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.
The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God bless America | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 4/28/2009 5:27:52 AM | Mohammad enters his classroom. -" What is your name?" asked the teacher. -" Mohammad, " the boy answered . - "Here we are in France, there is no Mohammad. From now on your name will be Jean-Francois," the teacher said.
-After school Mohammed went home. - 'How was your day?' Mohammad's mother asked? - "My name is not Mohammad, I am in France, and my name is Jean-Francois "
- Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parent's heritage ? Shame on you! And his mother beats him. -Then she called his father, and his father beats him very hard.
The next day Mohamed returned to school . When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked , " What happened my little Jean-Francois?"
" Two hours after becoming French, I was attacked by two Arab Terrorists!"
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 4/28/2009 4:04:14 PM | | At the United Nations, three delegates were asked what they think about defence. The U.S. rep replied by saying that more money should be used for its countries defence, the U.K. delegate said that more money should be spent on education. When the Irish delegate was asked the same question, he replied by saying " it should be the same colour as de house!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/4/2009 9:11:57 PM | | Joe gets himself a job at a logging camp where you work a month and get 1 weekend off a month. No women or alchol allowed in camp either. Joe finally gets his week-end off and heads into the nearest town with a bar, he bellies up orders a pint then proceeds to ask the bartender the all important question............ Is there any ladies in town ? No replies the bartender just George and he points to a fat homely guy sitting in the corner. UGGGGGGGGGG no thanks says Joe as he sucks back his beer and heads back to camp. Well the following month he heads back into town ,getting a little bit frisky if you know what I mean. He bellies up again orders a beer and again asks the bartender , IS there any ladies in town ? Look the bartender says I told you last month there is no ladies in town just George. Joe again shakes his head drinks his beer and heads back to camp. Well by the end of the third month Joes getting a little stir crazy , but again he heads back into town bellies up orders his beer and again asks the bartender ............. any ladies in town? Look the bartender says you asked me last month and the month before that and I told you then and I'll tell you now ..........there's no ****in ladies in town except George. Joe leans into the bartender and says if I take George who alls gotta know?........................ Well theres me and you and George of cource and the for guys that have to hold George down cause he's not into that either...................... Now thats a good one don't ya think???????????????????????????????????????????????? | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/4/2009 9:43:05 PM | An older womans sitting in a bar drinking double scotch and every time she drinks up her drink she looks inside her purse . After watching her do this 5 or 6 times the bartender finally leans towards the woman and replies ...................I don't mean to be nosey But how come every time you drink up your drink you look inside your purse. Well she says ........Sonny I've got a picture of my husband in there and when he starts looking good I'm going home.  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/4/2009 10:21:24 PM | A young fellow gets himself a job at a convienience store where they sell everything from soup to nuts. When the first customer arrives the owner of the store tells him to watch to learn how to sell. May I help you the owner asks the customer? Yes he replies I'd like a bag of lawn seed. As they were heading to the cash area the owner says to the customer Ya! know when the lawn grows your gonna need to cut it, and out the door the customer goes with the lawn mower and the bag of lawn seed. See how I'ts done replies the owner. Sure says the young lad just as the next customer comes in. Can I look after him he asks? Sure says the owner as the young fellow asks the new customer if he can help him, Yes replies the customer I'd like a box of tampons please. Would you like a lawn mower with that asks the young fellow . A lawn mower .... what do I need a lawn mower for. Well your week-ends screwed anyways ya might as well mow the lawn.  | |
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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 784 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/5/2009 7:35:14 AM | "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes .
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/5/2009 9:26:05 AM | A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband
is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them
and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the
little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your
glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm
taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit
in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now.' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/7/2009 10:09:18 PM | man takes hes wife to the doctors
whats the problem says the doc
thers somethink not right with my wife shes acting a bit strange
the doctor examines her
whats the verdict doc says the man
she either got alzheimers or aids im not sure which one
if you dont know doc how will i know
drop her off 50 miles away if she comes home DONT SHAG HER | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/8/2009 5:55:54 PM | Here's one I found on another forum somewhere. I think its quite good...
-Eminem's concert in Newcastle is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.
Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Geordies for himself." | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/9/2009 12:54:35 AM | You know you’re from Tennessee if:
-You've never met any celebrities....other than Fred Thompson.
-"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
-You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.
-You laugh when people from anywhere north of TN tries to say or spell "y'all".
-It's "Mar-vull" not "Mary-ville" It's "Knox-vull" not "Knox-ville".
-A tabogan is a hat, not a sled.
-You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a slab of butter inside and closing it back up again.
-Every town in East Tennesse has a "strip" and they're not particularly safe to be in at night.
-Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.
-Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be pronounced.
-You shop at Walmart for groceries, not at a grocery store.
-You don't drive in Knoxville on game-day. EVER.
-You have a "piss on" sticker on your car window.
-You know when Elvis Presley Day is.
-You measure distance in minutes.
-You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
-You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
-All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
-You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
-You know what a “VOL” is.
-You carry jumper cables in your car…for your OWN car.
-You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday
-You find 100 degrees fahrenheit “a little warm”.
-You know whether another Tennessean is from east, west or middle Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
- Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as”goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World”.
- You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.
- A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop…it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”
- Fried catfish is the other white meat. | |
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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 789 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 5/14/2009 6:46:45 AM | Grandpa
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/8/2009 9:33:33 AM | During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender."That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" | |
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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 793 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/8/2009 9:46:59 AM | The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?'
The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, 'Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent.' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:19:16 AM | tonto and the lone ranger stop at a pub for a beer they tie there horses up outside
there drinking a couple of beers when the door opens and a man says who owns the white horse outside
the lone ranger says me why whats the problem
it looks like its gonna faint it struggling to breathe they go outside and the lone ranger says to tonto you run round the horse it needs some wind to cool it down il just go and finish my beer
half hour later the door opens and a man says who owns that white horse outside
i do says the lone ranger what the problem
YOU LEFT YOUR INJUN RUNNING | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/11/2009 2:23:09 PM | one liners ...
I was born a pessimist my blood type is B Negative .....
The first nudist convention recieved little coverage ...
The president of the tailors union held a press conferance ...
fish hooks have really caught on ...
when the first book on watchmaking was written everyone thought it was about time ...
Ive been on so many blind dates i should qualify for a dog ...
OK Maybe not so funny so,
in an arguement a woman always has the last word, anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new arguement ... | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/11/2009 3:08:11 PM | An attractive blonde took a holiday cruise on a freighter.
There's not much to do on a freighter, so the woman took frequent walks around the deck. On the first day at sea, she walked by the Captain's cabin, where his parrot called out "Hey Blondie, how's yer ass, how's yer ass."
The woman turned and marched away from this kind of language, and coming from a parrot at that.
Next day, same thing. And again on day 3. During the following night, an explosion rocked the ship. People and debris ended up in the water. Daybreak found the blonde clinging to a piece of wreckage floating in the ocean. As she regained consciousness and started to look around, she spotted the vile parrot on the other end of her float. As soon as the two made eye contact, the parrot hailed her with the now familiar "Hey Blondie, how's yer ass!"
Exasperated, she fired back "Oh, shut up!", to which the parrot replied "So's mine -- must be the salt water".
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:13:30 PM | Gordon Brown was looking for a lady of the night & he found three such girls in a bar< a blonde< a brunette and a red head<
he said to all the girls< "im the prime minister of England how much will it cost me to spend some time with you"
the blonde said two hundred pounds< the brunette says one hundred pounds< he looked at the red head<
" well said the red head
Mr prime minister
if you can raise my skirt up as high as my taxes
my pants as low as my wages
get that as hard as the times were living in
& keep it rising like the price of petrol
keep me warmer than it is in my flat
& screw me the way you have pensioners
then its not gonna cost you a bloody penny | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:14:37 PM | Gordon Brown was looking for a lady of the night & he found three such girls in a bar< a blonde< a brunette and a red head<
he said to all the girls< "im the prime minister of England how much will it cost me to spend some time with you"
the blonde said two hundred pounds< the brunette says one hundred pounds< he looked at the red head<
" well said the red head
Mr prime minister
if you can raise my skirt up as high as my taxes
my pants as low as my wages
get that as hard as the times were living in
& keep it rising like the price of petrol
keep me warmer than it is in my flat
& screw me the way you have pensioners
then its not gonna cost you a bloody penny | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/12/2009 8:05:12 AM | The Indians finally captured the lone ranger.
Chief says" lone Ranger you have been such a good adversary I' m going give you three wishes before I kill you.
Lone Ranger asks to speak to his horse silver for his first wish.
Chief thinks and say’s well OK.
Lone Ranger whispers in silvers ear and the horse runs off.
A few hours’ later Silver returns with a hot naked blond. Lone Ranger takes her in his tent and has his way.
The next day Chief calls Lone Ranger. I' m very impressed with your horse he says, but you only have two more wishes and then I'm going to kill you.
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse silver, he whispers in silvers ear and the horse runs off.
A few hours’ later Silver returns with a hot naked brunette. Lone Ranger takes her in his tent and they really make a night of it.
The next day Chief calls Lone Ranger. I really am very impressed with your horse, but you only have one more wish and I'm going to kill you.
Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse silver.
Now lone Ranger is visibly upset with steam about to come from his nose, whispers angrily in silvers ear, listen you dumb a$$
I said bring posse, bring posse! | |
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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 800 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/18/2009 2:19:25 PM | The Fence
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 24 Sussex:
One from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third, Quebec.
They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900,... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700,:.. $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Quebec contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, "$2,700."
The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a
high figure?"
The Quebec contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Newfie to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. | |
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