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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/18/2009 8:40:44 PM | Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 803 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/20/2009 9:55:01 AM | THE LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
' What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/23/2009 5:47:44 AM | 2 hunters out in the woods, 1 of them collapses, he doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are all glazed,
The other guy takes out his phone and calls emergency services,
He gasps "i think my friend is dead"
The operator says " sir please calm down i can help but first we need to make sure he is dead"
A gunshot is heard
The man gets back on the phone
"ok now what" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/23/2009 3:48:21 PM | Subject: THE GOLFING NUN.......
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -5 40 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f _ _ _ 'n putt, didn't you?' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/24/2009 5:31:47 AM | A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/24/2009 8:40:14 AM | | that is the funniest joke i've heard in a long time, i have a huge friend of mine that has some phobia of midgets and i immediately thought of him when i read it. when i told it to him he got tickled and i started laughing, which made him laugh more and it escaladed for at least five minutes... i cried and my face is sore from laughing so much.. stomach too..lol thanks alot, i needed it! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 6/24/2009 7:15:35 PM | A clergy dies and, resplendent in clerical collar and colorful robes, is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of New York City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
And now the clergy person is at the first of the line.
The cleric stands erect and, without being asked, proclaims, "I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. Looking up, he says to the cleric, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the clergy person. "That man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff; but I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/9/2009 5:13:34 AM | 3 people in a crashing plane.
The smartest man in the world
The President &
A little girl ....
but there was only 2 parachutes
The smartest man said " the people who will benefit the world more should get a parachute and i being the smartest in the world should get one "
The president looks at the little girl and says "ive led a good and long life you should take the last one "
the little girl replies " dont worry we can both have one the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my back pack " | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/9/2009 5:20:29 AM | A guy goes shopping and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him, she smiles and comes over to talk to him,
he's rather taken aback as he cant place where he knows her from
" do you know me he asks"
she replies " i think your the father of one of my kids "
his mind travels back to the only time he was ever unfaithful
" oh my god " he says, "your the stripper from my stag night, you whipped my butt with wet celery while all my mates watched "
she looked into his eyes and calmly says
" no im your sons maths teacher " | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/9/2009 5:25:43 AM | A woman posts an ad in a paper
" looking for a man that wont beat me up, or run away from me, and great in bed "
she got lots of calls replying to the ad, but met someone perfect at her door
the man said
" hi im bob, i have no arms so cant beat you up, i have no legs so wont run away from you"
so the lady says " ok so what makes you think your great in bed "
bob replied
" i rang the doorbell didnt i " | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/9/2009 5:33:03 AM | There was a bar with a magic mirror, this mirror can tell if your telling the truth or not
if its a lie it sucks you into the mirror,
one day a woman goes up to the mirror & says " im the most beautiful woman in the world
"" wwwwhhhhhooooosssshhhhh"""
the woman was sucked in,
A nother day a red head goes to the mirror and said " im the most beautiful"
"""""wwwhhhhoooossssshhhhh"""""
she also was sucked into the mirror,
Next day a blonde went to the mirror and says " i think........."
"""""" wwwhhhhooooooossssshhhhhh"""" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/9/2009 5:37:51 AM | i know it already posted somewhere but i like it
He didnt like my casserole
he didnt like my cake
he said my biscuits were too hard
not like his momma used to make,
I didnt perk the coffe right
he didnt like my stew
i didnt mend his socks
like his momma used to do,
so i pondered for an answer
i was looking for a clue
so i turned around and kicked him
like his momma used to do | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/23/2009 5:16:53 PM | The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:41:58 PM | A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No” she replied. “Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen’. “What's your name?”
He answered, “B.J. Titsengolf.” | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:33:02 PM | how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
one but the lightbulb has to really want to change first. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:27:53 PM | One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
' A pril,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied ...'It's not talcum powder.....It's 'Miracle Grow' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:45:28 PM | Girls night out!!!!!! (why married women should not have a girls night out)
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT", he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:24:51 PM | Nymphomaniac Convention…
A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'
'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.' | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:30:12 PM | An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping,” to the Irishman, “You’re in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, “And you’re in charge of supplies. “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.”
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replies, “I didn’t have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn’t find him.”
So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn’t shovel. The Irishman replies, “I couldn’t get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t find him.”
The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: “SUPPLIES!”
(On a side note, like many jokes this joke has several versions floating around. Most commonly the difference is what the workers are doing, i.e. setting up a brick wall, pile of sand, digging a hole, etc. And of course, the ethnicities of the workers changes at random, but the rule of thumb is that the first two workers are European, and the third worker is either Japanese or Chinese. Lastly, where the third worker jumps out from changes frequently.) | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 1:25:13 PM | A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf”? The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nith mouf, can I thee her twat”?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
“Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit”? | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 3:55:42 PM | One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:22:29 PM | A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,
"That's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a politician into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth." | |
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