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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/28/2009 10:46:00 PM | What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common???
They both cum on little, white crackers.
*I'm sorry...I heard this one and thought it was hilarious. RIP MJ! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/28/2009 11:06:56 PM | Quickies
What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years old.
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.
How do you tell if a chick is too fat to f*ck?
When you pull her pants down and her arse is still in them.
There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use in two people remembering the same thing.
The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:33:14 AM | | lol thats agood one . . ive got one . . two armish women are out in the field harvesting potatoes , one armish woman picks up two potatoes and says to the other armish woman ," these remind me of my husbands testicles." she replies "why , because they are so round and plump?" "no because they are filthy!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/29/2009 8:09:36 PM | A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/29/2009 9:21:17 PM | Undertakers have announced that as Michael Jackson is dead.
he will be melted down to make toys, so the kids can play with him for change
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Kaos86
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Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 833 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/30/2009 6:54:36 AM | Went to my first Radical Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but pass the parcel was quick!!!
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:49:01 AM | an ex whom i still love told me this one.....
have you heard the ones about the magic tractor...??
...it went down the road and turned into a field. (bum bum!) | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/30/2009 1:05:08 PM | BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 7/30/2009 11:15:36 PM | How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little **stard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:44:35 AM | Superb!
I work in a nursing home. The staff will LOVE this!
Thank you!!! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/1/2009 10:33:02 PM | what do u call it when a mexican shoots a chinese outside a starbucks?
cap-a-chino | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2009 8:04:11 AM | Re 836 how to give a cat a pill.
You will need;
A. A large size rubber wellington boot.
B. A small amount of salmon fish paste.
C. Some vaseline.
D. the pill.
Method: Smear the salmon paste inside the boot and allow the cat to smell it and become curious, when the cat starts to look inside the boot for a possible treat, push it in smartly dip the pill in the vaseline and insert as you would a suppository.
If you are a dog lover rather than a cat lover, feel free to omit the vaseline.
Then stand well back.
If you have a dog he'd probably like to watch.
Happy administering. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:16:46 PM | Do you know why you Can't masturbate with these two fingers?
Because they're mine. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:24:35 PM | | God made Adam. Adam looked around and saw there were two of all the other animals, so Adam asked God to make him a women. God said" ok I will make you a women she will be beautiful. She will cook for you and clean for you. She will do anything you ask of her." Adam said" gee God that sounds expensive, how much is it going to cost me." God said" an arm and a leg." Adam asked" well what can I get for a rib?" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:51:54 PM | Police car comes across a drunk dero hanging out the old fella and having a slash in the gutter.
The copper yells out "stop that and put it away your dirty bugger or I'll arrest you".
The old drunk puts away his one eyed trouser snake, zips up his fly and starts laughing.
The copper says "what are you laughing about?"
Drunk " I mighta put it away but i haven't stopped!"
Same old dero wanders into the Confession box in the Catholic church.
The priest waits for him to confess.
the drunks just grunts and sighs
Priest knocks on the wall! to gain the deros attention.
Drunk "no use knocking on the wall mate theres no paper in this one either!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:52:08 PM | | A old snake goes to see his Doctor. " Doc, i need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the Doctor he's very deppressed. Doc says, " What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine Doc, i just discovered i've been living with a water hose the past 2 years. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:56:50 PM | | I've lost my dog! Have you tried putting message on the internet? Don't be silly, my dog never reads e-mails! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/25/2009 4:21:56 PM | wow i havent been on this site for yonks and i started this post up.. all i can say is keep the great standard of jokes coming and keep the page going as it does cheer people up .. thanks  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/25/2009 4:50:17 PM | A friend sent me a forward with the note that these questions were posted on an Australian Tourism website, and that the responses are answers by the officials. Here are some of them!
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not....oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 12:36:58 PM | Bed sheets
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for
a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely
upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed
with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain
rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
>bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.
A
drunk was walking
by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security0D
guard, (barely
containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up
and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring
down replied: "I think I
just beat the shit out of a ghost."
Happy
H alloween | |
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| the long cremation
Posted: 10/27/2009 12:53:18 PM | poor fred had worked all his life in various factoriesm most of which had some types of asbestos in the building materials. not know of the dangers of inhaling the dust and the damage it could cause, fred never considered any form of protection.
after his retirement, fred started falling ill with asbetoesis from the yerars of inhaling the said dust. alas poor fred passed away and his wife, mary decided on a cremation rather than a burial.
only trouble was, it took six months to cremate poor fred. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:47:44 PM | If I was still with a number of women from my past when I die...that would be an old Englishman...ie me
Wonderful! Sending it on to my 87 year old mother to tell her friends! | |
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