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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/3/2006 1:57:01 PM | ^^^ That's terrible, funny but terrible
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."
"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm up all night chasing those dogs, and when I finally catch one it's heck getting him to swallow the pill!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/3/2006 4:23:22 PM | | there once was a man from nantucket, who`s thing was so long he could........... oops! ...wrong forum | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/3/2006 9:12:12 PM | "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00"
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the officer, "Why don't you stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion" So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:
"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
Peace Love & Happiness | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/3/2006 9:16:42 PM | Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring.... | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/3/2006 10:43:01 PM | A guy goes to a shrink and tells him he fears a monster under his bed at night. The shrink
tells him he'll have to visit him for months, at least once a week, to work this one out.
"And what is the fee?" the man asked.
"$80 an hour," the shrink said.
The man does not return. Months later the shrink runs into him in a mall.
"How is the battle with the monster under the bed?" he asked.
The guy replied, "Oh, the monster's not there anymore. The bartender cured
me for ten bucks."
"How did he do that?" queried the shrink.
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed," the guy replied.
S.S. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/4/2006 5:59:39 PM | A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush." | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:54:33 PM | A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch this" the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You ***hole.. it's three-fifteen in the morning! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/6/2006 6:07:10 AM | Butt Measurements
>>
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man
looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the
grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured
his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him
off. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?
very cool! a good day for a chuckle! | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/6/2006 4:32:40 PM | A Teenager Is...
...someone who can't remember to walk the dog each day but never forgets a phone number he heard once.
...a weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
...someone who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
...someone who can pick out the voice of a friend from three blocks away, but can't hear his mother calling from the next room.
...a computer whiz who can operate any new gadget within seconds but can't make the bed.
...a connoisseur of two types of fine music: loud and very loud.
...a person who can bike for miles but is usually too tired to help with the dishes.
...a romantic who never falls in love more than twice a week.
...your own reality show but with fewer commercials.
...painfully funny at many times. At other times a teenager is just painful.
...someone who will pitch in and help clean every room in the house, as long as it's the neighbor's house. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/7/2006 12:03:34 PM | 2 gays had just finnished having sex when one of them gets dressed and says right simon im going up the shop to get some vaseline while im away no wanking..ok terry said simon i promise i wont ..i love you see you in a bit... anyway terry comes back 20mins later with the vaseline and there was spunk everywhere ..all up the wall..all over the curtains..all over the dog,,he went mad..i thought i said no wanking while i was away!! simon said i never i farted  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/7/2006 1:24:54 PM | There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.
Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"
The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/7/2006 11:58:30 PM | YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when…..
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have for the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
My god I need a life ... I actually did the last three!!!!!!!
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/8/2006 10:30:00 AM | | me 2 i love it lets have some more,,bring it onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn | |
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wtf...
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 90 | |
| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/8/2006 11:41:50 AM | why is a christmas tree better than a bloke?................its always erect,it stays up 12 days & nights,has cute balls & and it looks good with the light on!  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/8/2006 11:54:18 AM | | Ha... I only do 6 of the 15 from that list. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/8/2006 12:54:11 PM | Have you heard about the new sex position? It's called the Rodeo position. It's where the husband enters his wife from behind then whispers in her ear, "This is how your sister likes it" Then he has to try to hang on for 3 minutes!  | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/9/2006 4:26:27 AM | | a man says to his wife "i bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time" she thinks for a couple of seconds and says "your****is bigger than your brothers" | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/9/2006 8:11:06 AM | A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts
talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and
starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the
bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of
lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the
woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her,
goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK. He
drinks the shot of
Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks- this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ...
. in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
curdles...
at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint
his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes
it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you
like it? It's called
'Blow Job's Revenge.'" | |
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| High school dreams
Posted: 12/9/2006 8:50:23 AM | Out of my sick little mind... Of course I'm nothing like this
When I was in high school my buddies would have sex with anything that moved.. Me I wasn't that picky  | |
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| High school dreams
Posted: 12/10/2006 5:45:50 AM | cheers for that foggy uve just reminded me of another joke...
i said to my mate what would you do if you knew you only had a day to live??
he said id go round and shag anything that moves
he then said well what would you do ???
i said id stand very very still | |
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| dirty doctors
Posted: 12/10/2006 8:30:29 AM | A guy with shorter than average arms goes to the doctors complaining of very painfull piles, the doctor examines them and recomends some strong cream to be applied and rubbed in well twice a day. the guy says "but my arms aint quite long enough to reach my backside what do i do?" the doctor offers to give him the first treatment,and as the guy is in so much pain he bashfully agrees.After a few seconds of the cream being rubbed in the pain starts to ease and he thanks the doctor and leaves.When he gets home he explains to his wife that she will have to help him out with his future applications,reluctantly she agrees and at bedtime he approaches her with his tube of cream,"ok lets get it over with she says" so he gives her the cream,drops his pj's and bends over,his wife starts to apply the cream and rub it in, suddenly the guy jumps bolt upright and screams NOOOOOOO! She is rather worried in case she has hurt him and says "what on earth is the matter darling,did i hurt you?" No he says i just realised you are not doing it thje same way as the doctor, "well how did he do it she asks?" "WITH BOTH HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS!" he replied. | |
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| dirty doctors
Posted: 12/10/2006 10:50:11 AM | heres a couple of limericks for yhode of you interested;
she stood on the bridge at midniight
her lips were all of a quiver
sha gave a cough
her leg dropped off
and floated down the river
one fine day in the middle of the night
two dead men got up to fight
they stood back to back and faced each other
drew their swords
and shot each other
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| joke off the day
Posted: 12/10/2006 10:55:00 AM | A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad."
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter,
with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and
you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but
I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all
the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,
I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many
grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to
come home. | |
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| Joke of the day !!
Posted: 12/10/2006 11:28:03 AM | what do you tell a chick with 2 black eyes? ....
Nothing, you already told her twice....
Oh man im gonna get it for this one... LOL | |
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