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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/22/2006 10:30:34 PM | OP,
so if I have this right, he was pretending to be single not seperated? That's a bit different than being up front about your situation from the beginning.
There are quite a few people that won't consider dating a person that is seperated, which is their perogitive and shouldn't be questioned. This is the story I tell myself for all the read/deleated I see  But it seems to me, knowing this fact, putting "seperated" under status is inherantly more limiting than putting "single" or "divorced." So a status of seperated shows a greater possibility of honesty than other categories, because if I am just lying to get sex, why wouldn't I put "single" or "divorced?"
Depending on the State, Divorce can be a pretty long process. At least a year if you have kids in a lot of places. Depending on individual circumstances, the person may be ready to move on or not, you never know.
I am sure there will be a good number of people who have had a bad experience with someone who is seperated who will disagree, and council to never do it under any circumstances. OK, but that is why I have it right out front, so that they have that choice.
To seek, to find, to strive, and not to yeild. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/22/2006 10:56:43 PM | I got a POF public beheading in a different thread for voicing my opinion on separated people. Like others here ~ separated is NOT divorced. I have a rule that I have followed since my mid 20s ~ not divorced for at least a year, no date. And as of today, I have not had any problems with soon-to-be-ex-wives or wives who were not aware their husbands were separated. It's pretty simple ~ get divorced, then worry about meeting someone else. I didn't date for two full years after my divorce, I had so much "stuff" to deal with that hi-jacking someone into the middle of my drama simply would have been selfish on my part. To each their own, I will not venture down the separated road.  | |
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| Same issue with women
Posted: 9/23/2006 6:16:08 AM | In my experience, it is better to only date those who are fully divorced. There are special situations now and then-I once knew a guy who put off filing divorce papers for years so he could keep his ex wife on his health insurance at work (this may have been part of their separation agreement). He was definitely not going back to his ex, but he had kids he shared custody with so he had to work with his ex-wife to be able to be around his kids. That is understandable.
However, if you are dating a 'separated' person, there is always that chance they can 'go back' to their old flame. I think common sense could tell you if they are still married. If they only give you a cell number and not a home phone. If they are evasive/secretive about where they actually live, or have some excuse ready every time you suggest going to 'their place'. Tell your partner you want to hang out with his/her friends. A single person would welcome this, but a married one will start tap dancing around and delaying any meeting with friends that could blow his/her cover. I think there are a fair number of married women who fool around (I have known of this personally with women I used to know), but I think it is more common with men in America.
Dating is difficult these days-people are so mobile, that you don't know who you are dealing with a lot of the time. A person can masquerade as one kind of person in a town one day, and go somewhere else the next and be someone else. For me personally, I prefer to date people that live nearby. 'Long distance' relationships are more likely to involve someone who is married and seeking a relationship on the side-it is easier for them to hide their married status when they don't live in the same area.
Steve C. | |
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| Dating after divorce
Posted: 9/23/2006 6:26:01 AM | I agree with this policy, as a guy. I admit I was attracted one time to a 'separated' woman, but I have pulled back. I am in a community group with this person, so I see them regularly. We are just friends now and that is fine with me. She is a sweet person but is not 'divorced' yet and has understandable issues to resolve. I am more than happy to give her space to work out her issues and keep at a distance.
I went through a divorce, and did try to date a couple times after separation but was not ready for a relationship (understandable given the poor way my ex wife treated me and the trust issues I still have to some extent). I pretty much did not try to date anyone for 2.5 years after the divorce. I have dated a few times here in St Louis but have not found a good woman to be my partner yet. That is fine, I am not going to rush into anything.
As a guy, I can vouch for this advice. Do not date anyone who has not been divorced for at least a year, preferably longer. Also, I would find out what the current interaction is with the "ex". I briefly dated a years-divorced woman, who admitted to me that for years after the divorce, she was still 'hooking up' with her ex husband!!
I think asking about the current status of the "ex" is a fair question early in the relationship. I can understand if there is interaction with the "ex" centered around custody and visits with children. I would be suspicious if the person I am dating has regular social contact with an "ex". Also ask the friends of your partner, who might 'spill the beans' more easily about any ongoing situations.
Steve C. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/23/2006 7:31:26 AM | The original premise of this thought brings up an interesting point - there's lots of married men pretending to be seperated or single to get dates. Fact of the matter is they are looking to start an affair and it's easier to get women to do this if you pretend you are single. It's a game, and a lie. They are liars. It's kinda simple. But not every seperated man is in that game. When I was seperated, I was truly and completely ready to move on with my life.
I didn't date for two full years after my divorce, I had so much "stuff" to deal with that...
Not everyone has those kinds of complications. I didn't have "stuff" or "drama"...emotionally I had been ready for divorce for 3 years and had NO interest in getting back with my soon-to-be-ex. I had no children to worry about, no child support or alimony, no ties at all to my ex. I avoided and still avoid talking to her. My first date was 2 weeks into my seperation. I started dating again for the social interaction. I wasn't wanting to romance someone. I wasn't looking to start something new. I was too messed up for a relationship at that point. But I also wasn't a liar...I gave my home phone number willingly (it's my cell..the only phone I have), I answered any and all questions (to those who asked) about my past and present situation. The ink was dry on the divorce 4 months after my seperation and what was done was done. I believe the women (I think there were eight) I went out with on dates for those 4 months were in general quite happy to share dinners and conversation with me.
I will grant one thing: I was not out to romance anyone or start any kind of relationship during my seperation. There was one woman who made a bold move (touched my cheek and looked into my eyes) and I ran away. Not because I didn't find her attractive, but because I knew I wasn't ready.
It's pretty simple ~ get divorced, then worry about meeting someone else.
That may be one point of view, but to sit around the house for 4 months alone imposing some kind of "don't date" BS on myself would have been a very nasty sort of hell for me and led to some severe depression. I am not codependant by any means...the hardest part of my now-ended marriage was I married an introvert who shunned having a real social life and it drove me to an emotional quagmire. I didn't realize how important my social life has always been for my happiness and only having a social life at work is just not the same. My best plan for emotional recovery was to get back on the dating horse as well as add a social life and now - almost one year later - I feel a lot happier for it.
The fact is that a truly seperated man, especially if it's been short-term, will very likely not want to jump into anything. Some are still trying to work it out with their wives, some are just trying to sort themselves out - but no matter the reason it's just not healthy anyhow. The only reason a seperated guy will be looking for a relationship is because he's codependant or because he's been seperated for a long time. I would agree with verygreeneyez's premise to a point but maybe change it slightly to not getting intimate or close to someone for a year after divorce. To deny going out on a date at all is being a little harsh and showing a very limited viewpoint on the purpose of dating. For me, a date is more about exploring viewpoints and joining in conversation with someone to entertain oneself socially and discover things about others and yourself. The whole process of falling in love and getting in a relationship is something I save for later in dating after I've been out a few times with someone and still find myself enjoying their company as well as feeling attracted. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/23/2006 8:12:18 AM | Because if they told you they were looking for someone to cheat with while their wife and kids are at home you would not sleep with them.
They are trying to justify their actions. If they have no qualms in lying to someone they took a vow with-- they most certainly will have no qualms in lying to you. You are nothing but a roll in the hay.
The term separated does not mean they have any intention of getting divorced. Papers waiting at the lawyers office ready to be filed in court means they intend on getting divorced. Nothing else does. No papers? No intention. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/23/2006 8:56:19 AM | I agree with Hryle
I left my husband 3 years ago, and felt emotionally divorced within a month and so did my ex, he moved on , got a new girlfriend whom he now has a baby with. i had a boyfriend not long after...
I only got divorced in may this year, does this now mean i have to wait another year , year and a half before i'd be considered to be un baggaged,,
I think not
I had more going on last year after being treated like poo by a single man than I ever did by my seperation/divorce
Treat every individual as an individual and maybe you will become one yourself!!! | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/23/2006 10:16:36 AM |
Not everyone has those kinds of complications. I didn't have "stuff" or "drama"...
Not everyone's "stuff" is drama, trauma, hate and discontent. My "stuff" was learning about me again. Who I was after my marriage. It has nothing to do with my ex. He and I not only parted on great terms, we are, to this day ~ best friends. I chose to re-invent myself and that required no complications from learning about someone else while on that journey.
That may be one point of view, but to sit around the house for 4 months alone imposing some kind of "don't date" BS on myself would have been a very nasty sort of hell for me and led to some severe depression.
That is your opinion. Personally ~ I don't need someone to keep me from becoming depressed. I spent my two years traveling, going to movies, dining at wonderful places I'd never been, etc. I learned to like doing things alone. I learned that life can be lived without needing the company of another adult, whether that be male or female.
My best plan for emotional recovery was to get back on the dating horse as well as add a social life and now - almost one year later - I feel a lot happier for it.
I think that's great ~ I wouldn't have dated someone in your situation. That's how I manage my life ~ what someone else does is entirely their business.
The fact is that a truly seperated man, especially if it's been short-term, will very likely not want to jump into anything.
On this note, I will vehelmently disagree. I have met more than a few men who simply do not wish to be alone after separation/divorce. That is my experience, it may not be what you see, but it is what I saw/see.
~OT~ For me, it's not an option. I don't care who professes to coming out of a long term relationship unscathed ~ it affects/effects us all, no matter what we tell others. I have never worried about the "returning to my ex" scenerio. You can't control another human being. If he is going to return to his ex, it doesn't matter if I even exist. My concern certainly was not the fear of someone returning to their past. My concern has always been the ability to spend time alone ~ with no romantic entanglements, no need for female companionship. That is just me. To each their own. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/23/2006 1:25:02 PM | Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Because they are selfish users who want a little (or a lot) on the side and its easier to lie about being "seperated" rather than "divorced". They usually have a really convincing line of BS; so good that even rational and intelligent women can fall under their spell...  | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/24/2006 12:42:22 PM | Well what an interesting thread this has turned out to be.
Some fantastic viewpoints.. and some really interesting, nice, and what seems to be genuine people. Thanks for all your comments and I wish you all the love and happiness you all so truly deserve.
I dont think theres a stereotype for any status.. I guess there will always be liars and cheaters.. some of them VERY convincing. I guess now that someone with nothing to hide won't be cagey about their home number. When someone tells you they are seperated to an extent you have to lay your trust in them, do unto others etc etc.. next time I'll be more careful.. although 2 dates in 3 months I don't think is excessive! Saying that, up to press and pre POF theres a few singletons crossed my path who arent exactly sincere either ;)
Steve C, thought your comments were fantastic. Rock on mate and good luck :)
Thank you to all of you xx
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/25/2006 3:44:55 AM | If a man doesn't have a picture on his profile or if he won't give me a land-line number, I assume he's married and there is some type of deceit going on. Emailing a photo does nothing to allay my suspicions. It's still secretive behaviour.
I steer clear of these types of scenarios because I know there are a high percentage of marrieds on here looking for action on the side. I'd much rather err on the side of caution.
This is true of both men and women on here, so, caveat emptor or buyer beware. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/25/2006 4:01:20 AM | Not all men lie about the genuine status of being separated. To generalize an all-or-none stance on this is not fair to people, like myself, who are truly separated.
The bottom line is that some men and women will lie and the best thing to do is to trust your instincts. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/25/2006 4:03:30 AM |
all i can say is most men dont know what the word honestly means, if they cant be honest with themselves then hey what chance have we got with them being honest with us. some r just a waste of space
The same goes for women. | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/25/2006 5:53:23 AM | hey pearl,im separated,my number is 817-469-7951, :0) no im not kidding,if a woman answers? its my room mate  just kidding and that is my real num,demand to go to his house before you jump in the sack,that will solve it,alan | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/25/2006 6:00:14 AM | | im separated, my wife has come back down from washington to get the rest of her things,i have met the most wonderfull women ,and some not so nice ones,but im not going to sit and be a single man untill my papers are signed,who the hell said thats fair,shes right i am one of the guys telling the truth,i deserve to be trusted,i might miss a woman that is right for me,just because of a piece of friggin paper? i dont think so,call me peal ill be good to ya,:0) | |
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| Why are there so many married men pretending to be seperated?
Posted: 9/25/2006 6:08:43 AM | | wow the claws come out,the point is,guys lie,so do women,do research,its not hard to see if hes truthfull or not,married or divorced,everyone deserves someone to love, dont weed me out because i made a HUGE misstake 30ys ago,and divorce doesnt happen over night,sometimes the other half wont sign the papers, guess that guys out of luck,from the waysome of these women are thinking,shame,he might have had a heart the size of these womens temper,lol | |
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