| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:21:50 AM | You have a lot invested with him.
A marriage, two children.
Do what is best for you and for you children.
He left you?
You are trying to move on, give yourself some time.
You may not be ready.
Take care of you so you can take care of them your kids.
Obviously you loved him but he hurt all of you and you might be afraid of him doing it again.
Drinking his is a big issue.
He has to quit for him.
In your heart of hearts you know that unless he stops it is over.
He may change.
One thing is for sure you have.
Be strong you know what you want what you need.
Give yourself some time to heal, to get to know you.
Only you know if you can make the relationship work with him.
It can't be one-sided.
It takes two.
If you don't want him back or you are not sure be honest with yourself and him.
Think about your kids and yourself first.
Recently met someone but because been involved alcoholic before don't want to go down that road again. Too lonely.
I believe love him but he loves something other than me more.
No-win situation.
I know it, he knows it.
Can't compete.
Life is way too short to be miserable.
Ask yourself are you and your kids better off with or without him?
Hugs.
Trying to decide this myself, and we have only recently met know each other via internet longer but I believe always come second. If he even remembers me at all. Not high priority list, or maybe not even on it, so I have a decision to make.
Guess already have. We are done.
I am in tears crying as I write this.
Sad and also know for me it is for the best.
Doesn't mean I don't love him but it isn't meant to be.
Take care of YOU and your KIDS.
I remember the day my ex-husband left me and our two kids.
He had been drinking, and looking back I realize how SELFISH he was and still is.
We cared about him but he didn't give a rat's *ss about us.
I feel it is like this with the person I recently met.
And I know I want and deserve more.
So do you and your kids.
Hugs thinking about you.
Take care. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:29:03 AM | ...All too often stories like yours are becoming all to common. I do have a sound solution
for your problem. Just ask the Lord for some help. There is much to be considered, and alot more to be done to apease this situation. As humans, some things are just over the top. This is one of them. No man or woman can help you resolve this issue...But one prayer...can...
Take care.and Believe that He does have time for all of you..always. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:04:25 AM | Well it sounds like to fundamental shifts have occured. He left and he wants back. I've heard more than once of a man doing this. On the other hand once a woman leaves, it's over.
You have to decide if you want to invest any more time in this relationship. Remember, no matter what you decide he remains the father of our children. That means shared custody, seeing him at weddings, funerals, christians, and so forth for the next thirty years.
My suggestion is that you insist that he must reform and prove it in the next year. If he joins AA then halt the divorce procedures. As his period of sobriety lengthens you can let him back into your life.
Whatever you do, contact AA. They have a support group for the spouses of Alcoholics. You need that support and counselling.
One last thought. Statistically more alcoholics' marriages break up within a year of sobriety, than fail at any other time. If he does go dry, things will change and there's no guarantee what the outcome will be.
Ketch | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:19:26 AM | Please get assistance with Al-anon and get assistance for your children with al-teens (if they are old enough)
There are really two separate issues you're dealing with 1) a marriage 2) an alcoholic spouse.
the other advice I would offer is please don't try and find someone to date, it's too early! Use this opportunity to do things (activities, crafts, hobbies) that YOU enjoy. Once you start getting involved in things for yourself, in your life, you will have less time to think about what he's doing and what he wants. You'll be in a position to decide what you want, and if that includes him, that's okay, but it will be YOUR decision, not his.
Good luck! | |
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HHH4u
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Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 32 | |
| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:31:34 AM | gblvdgirl............
take some time to be you............dont rush into anything else..........just be with your kids.........let him be by himself for a while it may be the wake up call he needs............but beware there is no such thing as a cured alcoholic only recovering alcholics............all are one drink away from being the way they were............Get to know you again...........its hard but trust me it will save you from more heartache | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:41:31 AM | Let him stay there and continue the divorce. He should be clean and sober for a MINIMUM of a year before you even consider dating him, much less allowing him into your home with your children. This is your opportunity to teach your children about self respect and not allowing themselves to be abused no matter who is doing the abusing.
Trust me on this one. As an adult child of an alcoholic, you have no idea the amount of time spent trying to please an unpredictable parent. The children are always walking on eggshells hoping to not make daddy explode. They never know if he's going to walk into the house in a good mood or bad mood. The choices they make in their own relationships later on depend entirely on what YOU teach them to do TODAY!!!
This is your opportunity to show them strength and accountability. Allow them to see their father but, only when supervised... You don't want them riding with a drunk in a car. When and if he gets his sh*t together, visits can be extended to overnight stays.
Your children are your ONLY priority right now... not the loss of an unstable, alcoholic. Teach your children that they are the only thing that matter to you... They will pay you back later ten-fold. I'm living proof. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:49:26 AM | Oh the infamous "geographical cure".............. I would STRONGLY, STRONGLY, STRONGLY, SUGGEST YOU taking care of YOU by attending some Al-Anon meetings. This will be beneficial regardless of whether or not you two decide to work things out. Do yourself and your children a favor and go to some meetings. (Depending on how old your children are... there's also Alateen meetings.) If they are too young or not interested... they still will benefit if you attend some meetings and start to live a better life. (You will be a more positive example for them.) You never will know until you try. See below for some information on what Al-Anon is, and I have also attached a link, which will guide you to some meetings in your area. I hope this helps. I KNOW that if you make the first step and attend some meetings... it will help YOU for sure. Please contact me personally for more information.
I wish you the best of luck.
Welcome to Al-Anon/Alateen:
For over 50 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has been offering hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship.
How will Al-Anon help me?
Many who come to Al-Anon/Alateen are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.
In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
How do I find a meeting?
Al-Anon may be listed in the white pages of your local telephone directory. Cities with local information services are listed on our Web site. Many of those listed post meeting information on their Web sites. For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico you can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET.
MEETING LINK:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
***Here's also a link that I just found online for online chatting with people in similar situations with Alcoholics in their lives. Below is an excerpt from the site with the link attachment:
NOTE: Serenity Online is a support group for families and friends of Alcoholics and is not an official Al-Anon Web-site / Online group. The only requirement for membership is that you think you have been affected by someone else’s drinking. We practice the study of the twelve steps of Al-Anon.
http://groups.msn.com/Alanon | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:51:29 AM | To the OP.
one question!
How will you feel if he was to die in a year from that alcohol desease?
i too had to deal with 2 alcoholics.
My first marriage we split up amicably and all went well afterwards.
My second, i wasn't so lucky. i HATE alcoholism because it's not easy
to kick for alot of people. my wife used to drink a fifth to a half gallon
of vodka EVERYDAY(she was a larger woman). after a year of that
she had ruined her kidney and liver and died. i loved this woman
more that anything and even though i threatened to leave to try
and get her to stop....she didn't. so i stayed till her dying day.
it's not easy trying to decided whats best to do.
you have the kids to consider, how old they are
and what they preceive hiim to be,your financial
situation, his contibution to the whole family, If he has one,
just a lot of things, but i'd say: if he's just an average
drinker and not heavy, i'd move on before it gets too bad
to handle.
But The That is MY 2cents too.
Good luck whatever you decide. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:54:32 AM | According to Dr. Bourne,
"Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others)."
To abusers, words mean nothing. Only actions do. To allow your husband to move back in and resume life as it once was is allowing him to continue his addiction with your approval. Perhaps you should step back, remove yourself form the situation until your husband realises that only HE can help himself. He has to admit openly that he has an addiction and he must seek help in overcoming that addiction. It must be what he wants for himself, not because you want him to.
It is going to take time, more than a few months, to see change once your husband gets himself into recovery. Be there for him, be supportive of his efforts, show him you love him, praise him for his efforts and gains but do not give in too soon. If you do not stand by your decisions all the way you have lost the battle and so has he. You will be fighting this for ever. Your strength is the key to his recovery. In the meantime you should go to Alnon for yourself. You will become educated in dealing with alcoholism. If you don't take steps to stop this cycle, you and your children will suffer. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 8:54:48 AM |
Please get assistance with Al-anon and get assistance for your children with al-teens (if they are old enough)
nitasgirl has given very sound advice. I used to drink heavily and stay away from home for a good part of my marriage. I wasn't cheating withany other women, because my mistress was chemical no human! Yes, my ex ****ed about it. I quit when I got tired of what I saw the alcohol doing to my relationship with my children and wife. Once I got clean and sober, that's when my ex turned into the wicked witch that I know today! Yep, she ain't much fun since I quit drinking.
I sought help and found out that my drinking was a form of self medication to cover the pain that was being inflicted by my ex (long story). The point is your husband needs help to heal. You and the children need time and help to heal and understand the alcoholic mindset. What you don't need is another man to complicate the healing process. I was never one to condone divorce, but I have grown to realize that our sanity is most important for the well-being of our children and ourselves. Notice that I have put the children first, that's what good parents do! | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:04:36 AM | You cannot be married to someone who is in the midst of an affair.
No, I'm not talking about the woman. I'm talking about the bottle. When a man continues to carry on an affair with the bottle, it doesn't matter if he means well. Continue with the process of the divorce. Sometimes, a man needs to hit rock bottom before he'll clean his act up. He can do it. He just doesn't want to, and if you give him another chance, and another, and another, he'll keep taking them, and then slipping back into the arms of the only thing he truly loves: the drink.
I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I think the people who are saying you need to stick around and let him back are well-intentioned, but wrong nevertheless. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 12:04:46 PM | Even aside from his drinking problem, that's a whole lot to have happened in just six weeks.
In just six weeks he:
-leaves his family
-moves in with someone else
-signs a lease
-changes jobs
-decides it's not working
-concludes that he wants to come home
He obviously moved way too quick with the other chick (a relationship that had to have been going on before the break-up) but now he has no place to live and no female companion so he figures he can crash at your place until he finds another one.
The underlying reason for him leaving his family is still there. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 2:59:16 PM | | It's a shame, that you put 17 years of your life into a relationship that now all of a sudden. he feels you have to just give up. You do not have a problem. he does. Emotional hurt is much more damaging, and a lot harder to get over that, physical abuse. The body heals as genereal rule, the mind doesn't. You havev strength beyond your wildess imagination, use it to be strong. I know you love your husband, but he can't learn to love you again, until he learns to love himself. And in order to do that the abuse has to stop. Only then can you both be free of the pain that torments him so much. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 5:25:41 PM | | Thanks for all the help! It's really nice to know people care. By the way the kids are 12 and 16. He wasn't abussive. He would take off once a week after work to drink and do coke and wouldn't come home until the next day. I don't want to put my kids or myself through this anymore. I just want to feel better and the depression to go away. I feel lonely. I have friends that I talk to. I am going back to counseling on Tuesday and that seems to help. I know that it takes time to heal. I have been chatting with a nice person from this site. He makes me feel good and is there for me also. We don't discuss this business, just talk about our daily activities. Thanks Jack and everyone else! | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 5:58:22 PM | gb, you said that he wasn't abussive^^^^, believe it or not, yes he was you just don't see it. how many times has he made you wonder and worry about him? how many times has he made you feel guilty? how many times has he thought about your sons' emotional well beings?
you said that he just left you, moved in with another woman and now wants you back...wow!!! he moves fast! ok, alcohol is one thing but then you mentioned cocaine...well, there goes the bill money shot out the window........or your anniversary, or christmas, and birthday gifts for you and the boys, or maybe even food on the table or clothes on the boys backs.........is he really worth taking back? i'm sorry but no he's not. you can offer your support with his aa/na counseling but don't go back. he's going to have to find out for himself the hard way. even though he didn't beat you up or cause any physical damage to you but look at they psychologic damage that he caused you when he turned his back and walked out the door up until now. mental abuse is more harmful then physical abuse. the boys are also old enough to understand what you're going through, would you want any more mental damage to be done to them? they know that their daddy loves them, but right now the love that you have for them is stronger. i would personally go on with my life and let him know that i'm there to support him providing his intentions are good. that's what i would do if i were you..............
keep your chin up hun, things will work out for the best.......... | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 6:27:33 PM | | hi im james,i realise theres love between you and your husband,but you have to do what is best for you and i think thats to tell him its over,it will hurt but he will hurt you more and destroy your heart,if he leaves a second time,he needs to get help with drinking and its better to do that alone,you deserve love and happiness and your getting pain at moment,break free and live life. if you need to talk my email is hammers23@hotmail.co.uk. james | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 6:51:59 PM | Your feelings of loneliness are normal but I'm guessing you've had many a lonely night when you were with him as well. At least now you have hope for the future.
Focus on the moment until your strength starts to return (and it will)...then plan your future!
By the way...you look like Terri Clark. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:05:37 PM | If you love him and believe he loves you, you won't write him off altogether.
But you're right, you can't just stay with him as is. If you don't plan to date right away (which after 17 years, you probably shouldn't, you need time to heal) then don't bother completing the actual divorce. Stay seperated. Tell him that if he starts going to AA meetings (find out where, keep in touch with the group to make sure he's going) and can stay sober (he'll still want to see his children I assume so you'll have contact with him, ask any mutual friends to keep an eye on him as well) for a year, you'll give him another chance. It's not his fault that he's an alchoholic, it's a disease which can be hard to beat. But if he won't go for help in order to give your marriage another chance, then he's not worth giving it another chance. Tell him that even if he doesn't think he needs the help, you aren't giving him another chance if he doesn't get it. Then you'll see who he loves more, you or the bottle.
Sadly, after 17 years of both, he may love both but choose the bottle. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:06:27 PM | | As a man i've been through this,married 19 years,just move on.It will play games from here on out.Last 4 years ex-wife wanted her freedom,she has played hell on me until,I said no more,I took care of the boys,when she wanted to cheat and be drunk.I tried,once the bond is broken never the same.Save your sanitity now,I have been down this road too many times,Don't be the hero,worry about your self!!!!!!!! | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 10/13/2006 12:15:56 PM | Update: This past weekend, he came to see us. He arrived drinking which really pissed me off! It was my birthday to top it all off. The rest of the weekend was awesome with him and the kids. He seemed more relaxed and wasn't forgetful. He still wouldn't discuss the situation with the kids. He told me that he had to go back to where he was because he made some business obligations. He said that we'll see what happens after the holidays. I'm not making you any promises he said. He went back with this jealous ****. Everytime that I would call, she would be screaming in the background. She had the phones disconected and told me that I would no longer have contact with him. He hasn't tried to contact the kids since he left which is really burning me up. By the way, before he left to see us, she OD on pills trying to commit suicide because he told her that he didn't want to be with her. He said don't think that I'm leaving you for her. My ultimate goal is to get back with you and the kids. He won't give me the divorce papers back so I can file. I am going next week to try to file without his papers. Why can't he just let me go? I know that he has a disease that is taking over, but I can't understand why he is letting this jealous **** control him! By the way she likes to drink too, unlike me. Any advice? My friend and I are going to an Al-anon meeting sometime.  | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 10/13/2006 12:45:19 PM |
Update: This past weekend, he came to see us. He arrived drinking which really pissed me off! It was my birthday to top it all off. The rest of the weekend was awesome with him and the kids. He seemed more relaxed and wasn't forgetful. He still wouldn't discuss the situation with the kids. He told me that he had to go back to where he was because he made some business obligations. He said that we'll see what happens after the holidays. I'm not making you any promises he said. He went back with this jealous ****. Everytime that I would call, she would be screaming in the background. She had the phones disconected and told me that I would no longer have contact with him. He hasn't tried to contact the kids since he left which is really burning me up. By the way, before he left to see us, she OD on pills trying to commit suicide because he told her that he didn't want to be with her. He said don't think that I'm leaving you for her. My ultimate goal is to get back with you and the kids. He won't give me the divorce papers back so I can file. I am going next week to try to file without his papers. Why can't he just let me go? I know that he has a disease that is taking over, but I can't understand why he is letting this jealous **** control him! By the way she likes to drink too, unlike me. Any advice? My friend and I are going to an Al-anon meeting sometime. - gblvdgirl
Advice? Are you serious?
He's left you for another woman. For whatever reason, he's stringing you along. He isn't contacting his own children.
But you're sitting here asking why HE can't let YOU go?
You're the one who isn't letting go. You don't need him to file for divorce.
http://www.stateofflorida.com/divorce.html
http://www.divorcelawinfo.com/states/fla/florida.htm
Go see a lawyer. Now. Stop asking why he's doing this or that. Cut the bum loose, and get on with your life. | |
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| My husband left me and my 2 kids 6 weeks ago and now wants us back
Posted: 10/13/2006 6:39:10 PM | ^^^He's right you know!
Your husband's not letting you go because you're allowing him to hang on and you're only 'back up' just in case he doesn't find those greener pastures. If he valued you and your children he'd be with you... not trying to decide where he should be.
Run don't walk to that Al-anon meeting. Hopefully they can help you realize that you're worth way more than what you're getting from him. | |
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