| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/3/2006 8:53:35 PM | I've learned to be self-reliant. Happiness and modicum of contentment are not granted to us by a state of a relationship with another, its attained only through the state of our relationship with ourselves (if that makes sense).
I have been single for...awhile. Long enough to have learned much about myself, my mistakes and shortcomings, and those of the man I married long ago. In this hiatus, I've finally learned to become content within myself.
Each time we find ourselves being cast adrift because our world has suddenly shifted on its axis, its prudent to step back when the pain subsides (and this mourning is very necessary), to ask ourselves, what happened, truely? What were the antecedant actions and rationale that led to the final result?
More to the point, what was the programming, often set in early years through our role models in parents or near kin, that may cause us to have excessive expectations in what can be provided to us by another??
This is the "flipside of the coin" philosophy. It helps us to understand motivation, from several angles, on each side of the argument that led to abrupt and final failure of a relationship.
By doing this analysis (by no means an easy task), we find some relief, in finding forgiveness within ourselves for our weaknesses. And also, we move closer to being able to forgive those who have emotionally injured us. As far as I know, this is the only way to forge new memory associations with a person to whom we have felt intense anger, loathing, fear, or dispair. You slowly replace these memory (neural) connections with more neutral feelings. Not necessarily positive ones, but certainly, with feelings that do not provoke a rekindling of deep anger and regret.
Its the latter that gives "baggage" its weight. Its that weight, that slows us from forward progress in healing, and may keep us from eventually finding another with whom we have the courage to once again attempt to form a deep, trusting relationship. | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/3/2006 10:03:44 PM | Does anybody else know what was just said?
Was it, like your name, specifically designed to bring us down and put us to sleep?
Just my opinion and I've been know to have one.
Muskoka | |
|
| |
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/3/2006 10:25:45 PM | I've been on my own for about 16 years. Had a short relationship about 6 years ago. I was a wreck during and after the divorce. Decided to have a look at my life and pretty much decided that that was the priority. I still have some resentments with how things unfolded and have yet to come to terms with feelings of not being good enough.
As I approach my 60th birthday it is getting clear that marriage is not in the cards. I would still like to have a companion, I'm just not into living together. There is nothing driving me to be in relationship as there was many years ago. Having a family, being part of the community of married couples, is no longer a desire.
Been there, done that.
There is that nagging part of me, or society, that says I "should" not be alone. I enjoy my alone time and of course there are times when I'm lonely and I put myself on a dating site. I have not been very successful and often feel like I'm not going to meet someone that looks at life the same way as I do.
So 16 years and counting and I don't think I ever had a time line as to whether I would marry again. I'm pretty sure my first and last experience will last me a lifetime. However you never know. Never say never. | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/4/2006 5:45:53 AM | yesterday, I had someone tell me that I was single still because I am too smart. I know she didn't mean I am a rocket scientist, rather that I have my eyes open about about the nature of the beast. If I have something to bring to the table, whether it is financial or intangible, I want the same from my partner! | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/4/2006 6:41:45 AM | BINGO! Angel: Eyes wide open, took me 21yrs to see that is the reason why I'm still single.
Never expected to be alone this long, single yes, married no, been there done that twice. I see no reason to do it again.
I won't fit into the norm of things, the argues, name calling, the "he said, she said" bull. If it is not 50/50, I don't want anything to do with it. I do just fine on my own, if I screw something up, well knowones to blame but me.
Being alone is not so bad once you get by the lonliness. | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/4/2006 6:53:03 AM | Okay, as usual, my "other side of the fence" perspective.
First of all, me specifically...
I expect to be single until my ashes are mingled with my dog's ashes and we are scattered at the park where we go every day, so any state of NOT single will come as a shock to me.
Next, why is everybody so anxious to tie an anchor to their ass again? Don't you like being able to just say "I want to go to Italy" and go? No dicussions, no argument, no naysayers warning you that you should save the money for "a rainy day"?
Isn't it okay to just have someone on deck, even steadily on deck, to spend time with when you want to and have space when you want it? Do you REALLY want someone underfoot all the time?
I expect that rainbows and unicorns poitn of view from young people who haven't lived life yet. When you get up where so many of us are (50-ish) hasn't life taught you to cherish the little things and carpe the diem? Once you have stayed up over several nights because your kid had the flu, finished paying a mortgage and two college tuitions, and enduring the headaches and heartaches (and usually arguments) of finances, why be anxious to jump into the frying pan again?
Now, the frustration I think comes from people (and note that all through this I am not gender specific) who have nobody to do things with. And as we age and get off into our little niche of what it is we like to do, isn't it harder and harder to find someone who will do what we like and really enjoy it?
I mean, I am into tools, home repairs, woodwork, welding... all that testosterone stuff. And if a woman would go to a show about that and just go to tolerate me and wear her best plastic smile to look like she is enjoying it, she can stay home. I will enjoy the show more without feeling like I dragged her to something she didn't want to go to. Reverse it for the home and garden show.
So, is trading that kind of freedom and expression of personality really worth it to have "somebody" permamently in your grille?
Individual choice there... | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/4/2006 7:09:01 AM | | There is a difference between being single and single longer than you expected. Have been single for 26 yrs, by choice. | |
|
| |
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/4/2006 8:30:53 AM | @ angelicblondie on 10/4/2006 8:45 AM
MSG # 30
If I have something to bring to the table, whether it is financial or intangible, I want the same from my partner!
Right on. Now if I could just find a partner that feels that way - and doesn't play games about who and how great they are; who has just a bit of humor, humility, & humanity about them; and who realizes that "going to Church" isn't about being "better than thou", but about trying to BE a better person, period; I'd really have it made...
Must be why I've been divorced for about 23 years, huh...
All the "partners" I've "picked" over the years seem to want to tear things down, not build things up - and I won't let people ever tear me down again, for any reason... | |
|
| |
| |
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/10/2006 7:20:29 PM | Way longer than I expected. My kids were 1 and 2 years old when we split. They are now, 20 and 21. It is amazing how the years fly by. Raising a family , becomes the priority. I dated, had relationships, but always concidered their well being when it came down to actually re-marrying. It is hard to move another adult into the household when you have children. I thought when I was very young and niave, that I would meet the "right " one within a few years of my divorce. But then the right one had to be right for all three of us. And then the kids were in school, and I didnt want to re-locate them, and then they were teenagers, and difficult.LOL and then and then and then, etc. Now they are grown and about to start their own lives, and the "right one" never came along.
After so many years, I think we all become so set in our ways, and so used to being alone. How do you join to separate lives at this point to become one. I have no idea. But I havent dismissed it yet. If it is meant to be , it will be. | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/10/2006 7:28:35 PM | I don't expect to ever be married again, so things happen when you least expect it?? LOL
Seriously, I just can't see it happening, but I will be happy being me!
 | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/10/2006 10:07:31 PM | Sombient...
Good post. I got it and didn't come close to falling asleep.
Eddie...
I agree. I have friends for every occasion. They aren't lovers, but we enjoy being together in certain situations. It isn't gender-specific.
This may be off-topic. So, I'll bring it back and say, "I'm not surprised. But a date would be nice." | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/11/2006 10:08:20 AM | | Sombient, I got the meaning of your post. Maybe being freshly divorced I understand working out the anger issues with a partner that broke a contract you took seriously. I originally thought I needed a woman to complete my life but being single for ten months has changed my perception. I still want a woman but there is something to be said for being on my own and having the freedom to do anything without answering to someone else. | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/12/2006 5:19:34 PM | As strange as this may sound, I do want the anchor tied to my behind, and someone telling me to save my money for a rainy day yada yada. Never in a million years thought I would ever ever say that. Divorced for 5 yrs, while married had many opportunities knocking at the door,,never interested,,obviously cause I was married. Now..I want that special guy to be there when I get home, someone to talk to about their day, and our weekend plans.
I had never thought I would be single this long, and certainly never thought It would bother me.
To answer the 2nd part of the post..Why single? I guess I too had the best and thought it would be real easy to get it again, and I guess I have done the comparison game with he's not this, or geezus he's not organized, blah blah..I was wrong, and I am working hard on that...currently. Good luck to everybody... | |
|
| |
| |
Mirbah
|
Joined: 9/16/2006
Msg: 45 | |
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/12/2006 6:15:47 PM | I'm with Eddie. I never plan on remarrying. I was married forever, dated right after the divorce and then fled even that scene.
I like men. I find that all too often they don't want me. They want their vision of married life. I have no plans to ever marry again.
I used to joke with my friends that I would remarry if he would live next door. I want the commitment but not the strings.
Single works for me | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/13/2006 10:50:31 AM | I have been divorced 6 years, dated a female for 4 years after my divorce, dating every now and than, but have i ever worried about being single for the rest of my life, honestly, never have i ever even given this a thought...so be it if i am !! I am happy and content right now, i kind of like havin a bed to myself, i can hog all the blankets, i can eat my leftover pizza from the trash the night before woo hooo...i can leave my socks on the floor
But seriously, i think its the times we put our minds to rest ,and dont think about havin someone in our lives, and all of a sudden, someone comes along for some reason.. who knows... it happens...hey have a great day !! | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/13/2006 7:41:35 PM | | Uncanny Frapplesnort...My words exactly! Choosing not to choose is still making a choice. Where have I heard that before???? Key word here is" expected" what were you thinking in terms of expectations? Just a change of scenery or whole body make over? Go Figure! | |
|
ernb
|
Joined: 8/23/2006
Msg: 48 | |
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 10/14/2006 6:57:43 AM | | Yes, I am single for longer than I expected, but I am beginning to see that was a good thing. I made two terrible mistakes in choosing partners, especially my second relationship, that I'm not sure I trust myself to make the right choice, if there is a next time. I have learned to accept, at my age, that it is a real possibility that I will always be on my own, and each day I accept it a bit more...I'm ok with it. That isn't to say I wouldn't welcome another person in my life, in fact my reluctance to take that step again may have pushed someone away who would have been perfect for me, and I didn't even know it. Just meant that perhaps I wasn't ready at that time...if I'm ready and I meet her, then maybe it will happen again, then again maybe not...life goes on, and I am just keeping an open mind. | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 12/13/2006 3:48:08 PM | never in my life would I of thought that I'd be single 8 years now, it still amazes me that's when asked how long have you been divorced and I type 8 years...I like being a couple .I like knowing that there is someone in love with me I like knowing that out there is someone that is mine as I'm his. this single life is the pits as far as I'm concerned..I don't think that I want to be married again. but you never know. but I do want someone in my life on a daily basis | |
|
| Single for longer than you expected?
Posted: 12/13/2006 4:01:40 PM | | I found myself suddenly single after twenty one years of marriage. My husband died, never thought I would be in this position. Now that I have been a widow for three years, just thought of getting back into the dating scene a few months ago.. I have now revised my plans. I'm just looking for friends | |
|
Home
login 
my son wrecked it
Me too Crazylegs !! Isn't it nice to know you are never alone. 
