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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/5/2006 5:58:14 AM | | pmsl dcofca that is a good one all though I forgot how stupid I am at times when I feel like that apparently the redneck isnt the brightest crayon in the box lol | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/7/2006 12:12:25 PM | Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith....the midget." | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/7/2006 6:25:22 PM | A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'" | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/7/2006 6:32:14 PM | Chili Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER..
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable ! kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ! ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/8/2006 4:51:02 AM | We Ohio State fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see
strutting down the street with that obnoxious maze & blue "M" on their
shirt.
We would swerve our vans as if to hit them, and then swerve back just
missing them.
One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good
deed so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"
"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the
road,"
replied the priest. "Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the
road. Suddenly,
I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road, with that "M" shirt on and I
instinctively swerved as if to hit him.
But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time.
Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud
"THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors
But still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to
the priest and said,
"Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door." | |
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Hugs2u
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Joined: 7/8/2006
Msg: 181 | |
| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/8/2006 5:01:53 AM | Honeymoon at Home
Bob and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Bob's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Bob's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Bob and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Bob came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue." | |
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Hugs2u
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Joined: 7/8/2006
Msg: 182 | |
| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/8/2006 5:02:27 AM | THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS
A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER
FOREARM, AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT
WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER
THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND
YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED,
SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH..
NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO
DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED
OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED
THEIR EYEBROWS ...AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........
WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!
_____________________________________________________________ | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/10/2006 8:53:25 AM | Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher
asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up --- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...
Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the
teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a
gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the
alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly
set the other children to work on some coloring, and took
Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that
really true about your father?
No," said Little Johnny, "He coaches Michigan football, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/10/2006 9:13:23 AM | | biker bob got killed in a motorcycle crash and when he reached the pearly gates st peter was waiting with his file.....bob he says we see both good and bad here so how about a test?..bob says he'll do anything to go to heaven.....st p takes him over to three doors in the clouds and says behind door no#1 is a new bottle of black jak bourbon you have five mins to drink it.....bhind door no#2 is a full grown asian tiger with a tooth ache u have five mnis to pull it and door no#3 hides a30 yr old virgin who doesnt like men u have five mins to change her way of thinking......biker bob bolts thru door 1 comes out 3.2 mins later throws the empty bottle onto the cloud looks around for a min or two bolts thru door 2 and all kinds of noise growling screaming ripping tearing goes on for 4.7 mins and out comes bob with a wild look in his eyes bleeding from several places and searching for door 3.....finally he asks where the broad with the tooth ache is...... | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/10/2006 11:32:12 AM | Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word
"beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just ****ing beautiful!
Can I?
Little Johnny sees his grandfather smoking and asks if can he try. The old man says "can you touch your ass with
your****yet?" "No" says johnny. "Then you can't have one" says his grandad.
Then the old geezer is drinking alcohol. Johnny asks can he have some. But he can't as he couldn't touch his ass
with his****yet. Later Johnny is eating cookies and his grandfather asks can he have some. Johnny asks,"Can you
touch your ass with your****yet?" Why of course I can replies the grandfather. Johnny quickly replied
"THEN GO F**K YOURSELF!"
Christmas Morning
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses
while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying
right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when
I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs
and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the
garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa
bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-****!"
Facial Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Famous Quotes
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive
the rest of the day off.
She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do
for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy." "Very good," says the teacher,
"you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet
and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
Needs
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body
and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man! "Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of
her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself,
and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
New Watch
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?"
Johnny asked. "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they
'doing the nasty'.
Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of
Jimmy's new watch.
He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable
noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned
and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and keep
quiet, then."
Parent's Bedroom
Little Johnny wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents` room.
Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look
in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well, I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and
that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom says, "Why not?" The boy replies,
"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back up!
Shit
Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and hears the word SHIT! Johnny askes "What does that mean?"
his mother says " Oh that means putting on makeup"
Little Johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other**** and
****s Johnny askes "what does that mean" and they said "it means hats and coats"
Little Johnney walks into the kitchen and he hears the word ****!
Johnny askes his dad "what does that mean" his dad says it means"stuffing the turkey"
then there was a knock on the door. Johnny opens it . his aunt and uncle were there. Johnny says to them
" here let me take your**** and ****s, moms upstairs putting shit on her face and dad's in the kitchen
****ing the turkey!
That Thing
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car
and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs
home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down
on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest
of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing,
laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."
What's a Penis?
Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that
one thing she didn't understand about it all was, "What is a penis?"
Little Johnny said he didn't know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father "Knew everything.
" That night, when Johnny's father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, what's a penis?"
Johnny's father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny's father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said,
"That, Johnny, is a penis." He then looked down at it and added, "In fact, that's what I would call
a PERFECT penis!" Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play.
The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew
what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down,
and announced, "That, Suzie, is a penis." He looked down at it and added, "In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter,
it would be a PERFECT penis!!!"
You Can't Have One!
One day, when Little Johnny came home from school, his mom bought him a new basketball. He went over to the new
neighbors house and a little girl came out. Little Johnny said, my mommy bought me a new basketball, and you can't
have one!"
The next day the little girl had a new basketball. Then, Little Johnny's mommy bought him a new bike. Little
Johnnypromptly took it over to the little girls house, and when the little girl came out he boasted "Ha Ha mommy
bought me a new bike and you can't have one".
The next day the little girl had a new bike. Frustrated, Little Johnny took the little girl out back, pulled down
his pants and said " I got one of these and mommy said that you cant have one!" In defiance, the little girl pulled
up her skirt and said "mommy said as long as I have one of these I can have all those I want! | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/14/2006 10:30:08 AM | A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too.
Wanting the teacher, of course, to like them and not really knowing what a Michigan fan was, hands fly into the air.
There is one exception. A little girl named Jane did not go along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
Because I am not a Michigan fan, she reports. The teacher asks her ”what are you then”
Well, she says, My mom is a Buckeye fan and my dad is a Buckeye fan so I am a buckeye fan.
The teacher being a little red faced, asks, “ what if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?
Jane smiles and says “then I’d be a Michigan fan”. | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/16/2006 6:46:27 AM | A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/17/2006 12:51:57 PM | If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stairmonster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that **** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading ****. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other ****), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 11/18/2006 6:48:37 AM | HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN?
ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the! new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING !!!
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. !
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""! """"!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still has yet to make the first of those! $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...
AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN THE SOUTH? | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 12/8/2006 7:46:43 PM | A guy is driving down the road and gets a flat tire so he stops and he happens to be in front of the Insane Asylum. There is a patient standing outside within the fenced area.
The driver jackes up the car and takes off the flat tire but while putting the spare tire on the car he accidently knocks the 4 lugnuts down into the sewer.He cusses at himself.
The patient behind the fence says "hey buddy,I see you have a problem and I can help you"
"oh yeah" says the driver "how's that"?.
The patient says , "take 1 lugnut off of each of the 3 other tires and use them to put on your spare..this will be good enough to get you to a gas station".
The driver responds ,"that a great idea..if your so smart ....what are you doing locked up there ?"
"oh" says the patient..."I'm in here for being CRAZY...not for being STUPID"
lmao..I love this joke | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 12/8/2006 8:01:43 PM | What do Lesbians and Politicians have in common.........
Neither do D!CK.........ROFL | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 12/9/2006 7:32:21 PM | | He laid her on the table, So white clean and bare, His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck, Then felt her breast, Then drooling, felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry, The hole was wide........ He looked inside, All was dark and murky, He rubbed his hands, And stretched his arms......... And then he stuffed the turkey | |
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| BIKER BABE
Posted: 12/9/2006 7:35:41 PM | THIS ONE IS FOR ALL YOU BIKER BABES
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers
club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy,
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I
want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but tells the lady she needs to meet certain
biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; "Do
you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there,"
and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least
2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is becoming very impressed and asks, "Last question,
have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times." | |
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| BIKER BABE
Posted: 12/10/2006 6:09:25 AM | | good one g/f! hmmm, will this be me in 40 years? | |
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| BIKER BABE
Posted: 12/10/2006 8:59:51 AM | | I thought of you dsl when I posted that | |
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| BIKER BABE
Posted: 12/10/2006 9:34:32 AM | | I figured as much g/f! | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 12/16/2006 3:39:48 PM | Menopause jewelry.. or anykind for that matter.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
f'cking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. | |
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Colya
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Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 199 | |
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| It's Just A Joke...Add Yours
Posted: 1/1/2007 10:52:58 PM | | .......A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the****goes underneath the horse, not on top." | |
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