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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 11/28/2006 8:45:39 PM | No! They are not destined to fail. They fail for the same reasons civilian ones do. Lack of love, lack of trust, different goals in life, boredom, cheating (yours or his) and as many other reasons as there are participants.
My mother met my father during WWII, he was a T5 (rank no longer exists) in the horse cavalry veterinary corps (which also no longer exists except the cemetery details). He was in an activated reserve unit...before the war he'd been a wild-a*ssed Wyoming Cowboy. They fell in love and he asked her to marry him. She loved him too, she told him, "Yes, you get a commission and I'll marry you the next day, otherwise I'll marry you when the war is over, if you live to get back. I don't propose to be married to cannon fodder waiting to hear that you have been killed."
He really wanted to marry her right now, he received his commission 20 May 1943, they were married 2 days later. A couple of months later he was shipped overseas. He was in the battle of Remagan and the Battle of the Bulge as well as several other biggies. He started to jump over a fence but remembered his training and crawled under. A bullet cut the wire right over his head, if he'd jumped he'd have been dead. Even as an officer he was not in what anyone would call a safe position.
When the war was over he decided to get out and try it as a civilian. Miserable life for all of us. Then the Koren "Police Action" came along and he was reactivated. Shipped off to another shooting war. When that one was over he stayed in the service.
I went to so many schools I couldn't count them all. One year I went to 5, which isn't easy given the length of the school year. We moved on average ever year and a half. We were sent to Germany, The Deep South (where they yo-yo'd us back and forth between GA and AL) and Hawaii. I graduated from High School in HI (way more years ago than I like to recall). My Mom was an Oregon girl and I was born in Salem, OR.
Dad worked his way up in the military and retired as a Lt. Col. with 26 years service on a disability. He and my mother had been married just under 27 years when he died. In all that long time they only had 3 major fights that anyone knows about. Mom said his happiness was worth putting up with a little cr*p and let him have his way most of the time. She didn't even get bent out of shape when he got loaded and knocked a superior officer over a grand piano for pinching her. Nothing would have happended if he hadn't been standing right there when it happened. It should be noted that this is a court martial offense if the other guy had wanted to push it.
She said that the fact that every day of their lives he was subject to walk out the door to go to war and not come back made a big diffference in their lives. The same is true for all of us but it is more noticeable in a military setting. She was alway sorry to see him go and always deliriously happy to see him back.
Aside from wars there were training exercises where he was away for long periods of time, schools, ditto. Then they put him on the 3d Army Military Personnel Management Team and he was on the road with his team 3 weeks out of 4. There were a lot of times when Mom was on he own, you will be to if you marry into the military.
The biggest factor in their lives were that they had absolute trust in one another. I watched women throw themselves at Dad and he didn't even notice. It was something of a joke among my friends when I was in High School. Mom noticed but held her peace. She said she loved him and therefore she trusted him; that for her it would be impossible to love someone she couldn't trust. He felt the same way. Deservedly.
He passed away 40 years ago this September just passed. She has not remarried though she has been asked. She says she had one marriage (to a civilian) that was hell and one that was heaven (to Dad) and she wasn't gambling again.
Yes, Military marriages can work but it takes a lot of love and trust from both parties, the ability to understand that the service person has no, nada, zip, zero control over where and when they can be with you, for the most part...the service branch in which the are enrolled controls them. There may be times when you have plans and he gets orders that contravene your carrying them through. If you can handle knowing that this is a fact of life and deal with it without blaming him personally, then go for it.
I loved my military upbringing. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I met marvelous people, saw wonderful things and had great experiences. It gave me a greater understanding of the variety of people, life styles, and experiences that are out there.
Would I marry a military man? In a heartbeat, if I loved him. And that is the kicker. How much do you love him? Although you might also want to ask yourself how versatile you are and how independent as both qualities are essential.
I know of a lot of military marriages that broke up because the non-military spouse couldn't handle it and wanted their partner to get out of the service...in one instance the guy had 15 years in and only needed another 5 to retire. What I'm trying to say is: You know what he is and what he does, if you can't live with it give him a break and don't marry the guy. If you can do. The potential for a marvelous life together exists. The rest is up to you. | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 11/28/2006 9:48:50 PM | Katie....my heart aches as i have read this thread....i met someone off here then met in person ...we tried to keep it low key as when we met he was on leave...at first we only talked every couple of days but after a while he was all i could think about and it turned into a daily journal to him and he called me every other day , we fell in love...for almost 3 months we did this( he was stationed in iraq) when he came home i drove 5 hours to be with him - skipped work and shipped my daughter to grandmas - he spoke to my daughter as well, when we saw each other is was out of a movie, he told me he wanted me to be his and no one elses...he told me he was really falling in love with me...we were making plans with our families..
Then....almost a week later it all stopped...everything stopped...no more communication at all...i felt like my heart had been ripped out and i was so worried about him...i had never even spoken to his family b4 but made a desparate call to them and a visit and while i was there and his family very excited to meet me and my daughter that he had spoken so much about we all learned that he was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and wanted no one...which included me. At first his family begged me to wait for him but after a few brief conversations it was heartbreakingly clear that he had changed his mind or that he was under too much stress to deal with us and his feelings....they know they will leave again...and i think that kills them...it ended up killing us.
Please do yourself and hima favour and wait for a while after he returns to make sure that this is what he wants and is mentally ready for. It has been months now since all this transpired and he is still in my heart...i am dating and moving on but ...well you know. Just be careful please.
Sarah
The really sad thing is that i would make a really good military wife...for the right person love holds no boundaries and it covers all ground...where ever ...forever... | |
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| Is it an Omen that military relationships are destined to fail?
Posted: 12/21/2006 2:17:35 PM | Hi Katie,
I lived with a military man for 3 years. He went on tour during that time. It was difficult, but it was stable too. We could count on the military to help us out if we needed a loan or counselling. It's a good job.
He ended up leaving for someone he met online, go figure. We grew apart because of financial strain. I couldn't find a good job in the middle of nowhere. I think that's often the problem with a civi/military couple. The civilian partner has a hard time keeping a good job, and finding a new one when they move around. Military bases don't usually have a bustling economy for civilian partners.
I joined the military, and just recently finished basic training. I'm hoping to find a good man in the CF. I think that's the best way to go. If you find a military man, and you're not sure what to do with yourself, join up! You're going to live the lifestyle through your partner anyways.
Not sure what I meant to impart, but I hope it helped. | |
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