| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:47:43 PM | I totally agree with texasbaby. I have been married only once, for 22 years. I lost my husband to cancer a little over 2 years ago. When I finally decided it might be time to start dating, I asked myself "who is going to want a 40 year old woman?"
I dont like to lump everyone into the same category because we are not all the same, but some of the men that have initiated contact with me have not helped my self esteem at all. One in particular wanted to know if I had any scars on my body. This was after we had chatted on here a few times, and we seemed to have alot in common. I told him that I had a scar under my right breast from gallbladder surgery in 1991 and I have a 2 inch scar on the front of my right leg from an accident at work. He wrote back that he was sorry, but he could not be with someone who had scars. Those scars never bothered me before, but they do now. Then you have the women bashers who have been cheated on and lied to and stolen from, and they see all women as only being after what they have. I have to say that not all of us women are like that, and it should say something about me that I was married for 22 years, which it seems is a rare thing for people my age.
We all just want someone to accept us for who we are.  | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:48:25 PM | | Ok... I will squash all the spiders for vera and whyspr.. and everyone else who hates spiders then supply them each with a can of Raid for self protection. | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/14/2006 9:53:09 PM | | etexasgirl--- hun dont you be ashamed of those scars at all.. those are stories of life is all, and he was a loser. Maybe tootsie can squash him with hte spiders.. *smiles* | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/14/2006 10:18:07 PM | etexasgirl1966, I know where you are coming from. I was married for 15 years then widowed....then with my second husband for 10 years...then widowed. I get contact from men who run the other way when they find that out. They think I am a jinx or a witch.
I get men who think I want their assets. I have my own paid for house, three vehicles...two are paid for... my own business and all my equipment is paid for... What am I saying here? I am saying that money and assets are nice... I have them.. I like them... I worked for them.... I do not want a man for money/assets. I want a man for love. For sharing.
The thing that gets me about some of these "body conscious Barbie wanting men" is that some of them aren't too pristine themselves. Many have pot bellies, acne scars, no teeth, and major personality flaws. Many of them were married at one time and had a wife who had babies, surgeries etc. Where do they get off expecting women to go through all that and still be perfect?
I have given birth to 3 babies and nursed them. Yes, I have scars and yes I am self conscious about that and about my weight, but you know the weirdest question I ever got? He wanted to know if my toenails were crusty. Now that makes me laugh even now. So I guess the weight, stretchmarks, scars from 3 surgeries would be ok if I could prove I had clean toenails. Oh.. I forgot.. I have had surgery on my hands too... both and have scars in the palms. Guess I am just not worthy.
It is my opinion that the ones who worry about the superficial attributes are so shallow that they are not worth giving them a second glance. Do not let them get into your head and start doubting your value. All men aren't that way. There are plenty of good men out there. It just take time to cull out the rotten ones. | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:13:07 AM | | bed is boring, lol, unless your not going alone. Had a gentleman try to convince me i should let him join me. What gives with guys wanting to get in your bed before they even meet you for heavens sake?? So he looked sexy, so he might be a red hot lover, that doesnt make him safe. I just dont get it. | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 1:54:14 AM | oddly enough. i've found that nerdy unattractive men are the best lovers. Intellectually AND sexually stimulating. Maybe they try harder because they think they arent as great a catch as others? i have no idea. but god knows i love my nerdy men.  | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 5:49:14 AM | To: ETexasgirl1966
Anyone who has the need to be "hurtful" such as this man was with you, has a SCAR ON THEIR SOUL. It takes people of low self-esteem, and self loathing to focus on anothers scars as a means to an end. As well individuals such as these, have the mental capacity of a rock. There are so very many more polite, social, creative ways to let someone know that they are not a good match for you. It's not easy to do the right thing, but all have to make the effort, even if you do not "feel like it". Anonimity at the keyboard is not a license to hurt! More importantly, anyone who has lived very long will have scars, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I would question anyone who does not. People ... Wake up ... Smell the coffee ... before its too late! | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 8:25:23 AM | I'm not in an eloquent mood this mornin' but felt the need ta respond here...Please don't let the idiocies of one man cause ya ta have insecurities. Insecurities that weren't there through 22 years in the same relationship. And before i get the soap box all the way out and climb up, i'll just say that i'd bet the farm the a**hole wouldn't be bothered by your life experience marks if ya were offerin' up a little sump'n, sump'n. Whew...can't believe i left the ol box stashed away for this one. Hugs to ya ET and an open invite ta use my ears and shoulders ta vent should the need arise. Aaaaaaand...i'm done.   | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:07:43 AM | | Spiders and snakes are nothing. Can't really think of anything I am afraid of though. There may be something though. | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:34:37 AM | Thank all of you so much!! You have really made me feel so much better. I know that I should have not let those things bother me. I never thought that I would ever be in a position where I would have to worry or care what another man thought of me. The truth is, I feel like I have led a sheltered life. I never had to deal with being an abused spouse, and we were both faithful to each other for the whole 22 years. When we took our vows we meant them, and that is the way we lived. I guess I am naive, because I have always believed that everyone had a marriage like mine.
Since I am spilling my guts, I might as well go all the way! I have only dated one man since my husband died and that was about 8 months ago. He was really nice to be around to start with. We dated for several months and I really thought that he was the one. I moved in with him and within two weeks I had been beaten up twice. The second time was the worst, he knocked out two of my teeth (jaw teeth, not in the front thank god). I never saw it coming. I know what comes next, why did I allow it to happen a second time. The first time he was drunk and I blamed the alcohol, the second time was my fault because I did not leave after the first time. I know that most men dont abuse their wives or girlfriends.
The point of all of this (finally) (lol) is to say that I have looked in the mirror and made up my mind that I deserve someone that will treat me with respect and compassion, and will see me for the rare and exceptional woman that I am.
Thank all of you so much!!!!! | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:47:18 AM | There is no man.. or woman worth allowing them to steal or take away your selfworth. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. But once I did.. it has made my life so much more enjoyable and enriched. Cause you know.. I may not be a barbie doll or a beauty queen, but I love and like who I am.. and when you can truely say that honestly.... you find that life really is alot easier to get thru.. and to wake up each and every day with a smile on your face.
Remember... No one can take away your good attitude or upset you.. without you allowing it to happen. So rememer that the next time someone says something negitive towards you, never grant them permission to control you!! | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:57:28 AM |
well said, mydtryred, agree completely with you, way to go girl, you have a very good outlook on life, and your so right about the personality, have a great day, go cowboys!!!  | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 2:01:45 PM | | i've been hit in the face once. The next person who hits me had better be able to outrun my truck *growls* | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/15/2006 3:31:12 PM | Original Topic of discussion which many have veered off of,
I am not scared of meeting anyone, if I have had the opportunity I do it and so far have not refused to meet anyone that wants to meet me. But I have talked with many women that seem to be afraid of meeting anyone on the internet for this reason.
They are as I am,,, afraid of rejection, but thats life,, they say,, "let me lose some weight" or let me think about it, or maybe you wont like me,,, etc,, its just a normal feeling I think stemming from insecurity,
I know most of us are self concious about our appearance but I have met more women that think they are fat or unattractive and in reality are not fat and are rather attractive,, especially if their personality is warm. | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/16/2006 6:41:12 AM | wingribman, I think that may have summed it up. Rejection. Whether, it is our body shape, or personality, it is human nature to want to be wanted. None of us want to be rejected for any reason.
The way I try to make myself feel better about this is that I know I have preferences and so does everyone else and you can't expect to meet the preferences of everyone.
Goes back to the saying that you can't please everyone. | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/16/2006 8:48:48 AM | Ok, you should never allow yourself to be hurt by rejection, ESPECIALLY online. Do not base your selfworth on others. I know it's tuff, and human nature to do that.
But you do not have to.
I repeat, you do not have to.
Your "self image" is a mental construct.
It is not real.
You project what you think.
If you get your opinion of yourself from others, it is not healthy.
Ok, some tips:
ONE, If I'm gonna hit on some 20-something supermodel, odds are I am gonna get rejected. I'm 45 today and average for pete's sake. No matter how self confident I am, I probably am not gonna pull that off. So I'm gonna stick to smoozing with women around my age and average. I don't think I'll ever convince Paris Hilton to date me. And well, I can live with that.
TWO, If my physical attributes bother me. I should try to change em. Not that I need to, but if I'm bothered by it, sure. If I have a beer gut, then I'd get out and jog.
I don't have a gut just for that reason.
If I'm 200 lbs overweight, than I'd get the stamach staples.
If I'm bald, I'd get hair transplants.
Big noes? Plastic surgery. If I don't mind my nose, why bother. If I am, I would.
Often, it's not the change, but actually doing something positive about ourself that makes the difference. If we're trying to change ourselves for the better we become more confident happy people. We're not just sitting about feeling sorry for ourselves. We're doing something. The effort empowers us. If you are trying to control your destiny, YOU CAN CONTROL your destiny.
THREE, physical attributes are not the end-all be-all. Alot of people don't care about that so much. Some cultures have different ideas on looks. I know a girl who weighed 350 lbs in E.Texas and married some skinny guy who looked like Claude Van Damme. He is Danish and they met(and fell in love) online. Looks, wasn't a high priority to him. So it happens. Hell, look at some of Julia Robert's husbands. Geez, she must've picked them out at the goofy farm. But they had other atributes more pleasing to her.
If you focus on your looks and feel negative about that, you will project that. It is harder for women, cus "skinny young" is pushed to both sexes as the ideal in marketing. It is not. Don't buy women's mags and don't watch TV so much. Your self esteem will improve in a week.
FOUR, try to find something spiritual or religious that can bring joy into your life. That will get you thru the lonliness better than potato chips, TV, or beer. If you find your perfect center of being. Everything else will work out.
Good luck, We're all in this together, and I'm pullin for ya! | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/16/2006 4:03:14 PM | Forget it ladies, we cant all marry Stray, he's not a mormon *winkz*
We can, as he suggests, do something for ourselves. Whatever that something may be. I don't know that i agree to stomache stapling.. i still think its not safe, but some days when im feeling really really down..if i get out and go for a walk, my happiness level perks right up there.
I might still be afraid, but i have decided to take a risk or two more than normal for me. Life is waiting for me, im hoping i can make the flight *smiles* | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/16/2006 7:02:04 PM | Your "self image" is a mental construct.
It is not real.
You project what you think.
I read a book a few years ago, I think it was "The Rules" (a mostly lame book on how to treat men bad and get him)......anyway there was this one part that said you need to project yourself as being beautiful. Imagine you are beautiful, believe you are beautiful...because you are.... I think their saying was to think of yourself as "a creature unlike any other."
Now that part of the book was good advice. And like stray said, you project what you think.
BTW, one of the sisters who co-wrote the book wound up divorced. So much for treating men bad and keeping them. LOL | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/16/2006 7:23:37 PM | I have said this before and I still agree with the saying.. and that is
If you think Negative you receive negative.
If you think Positive you receive positive.
Its all in how you approach things.. As long as you go in to dating or finding someone with a positive attitude then you will recieve positive results. Doesnt mean you will find the results that you are utimately seeking, but you will have a better result each time. And yes you find those few who are total Jerks.. but then I dont allow them to take control of my attitude. And when I do that it takes away their steam.
Just remember you are a beautiful woman.. or Goodlooking man because you are in your own special way!! And there will be someone out there who will be looking just for you!
Huggs to all
Myst | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/16/2006 7:55:39 PM | Yes! Yes! Yes! Myst you are so right about positive thinking. You get back what you send out.
Now everyone say this with me, "I am beautiful/handsome. I am worthy. I am no longer afraid of being judged. I will find what I am looking for and be happy." | |
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| What are you afraid of?
Posted: 10/17/2006 3:38:23 PM | Well MystyRed and Whysper.....for yall babes, I would convert.
:-) | |
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