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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > What does "my children come first" mean to you?      Home login  
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 ZOOKEEPER23
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 26
What does my children come first mean to you?Page 2 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I GAVE BIRTH TO MY BOYS!!! I AM THE ONE THAT SHOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM AND MAKE SURE THAT THEY TURN OUT TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND CARING ADULTS!!! HOW ELSE WILL THAT HAPPEN IF I AM NOT THERE TO GUIDE THEM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION? MY BOYS WOULD LOVE FOR ME TO FIND A NICE GUY THAT WOULD ALSO BE THERE FOR THEM. UNLIKE THERE BIOLOGICAL FATHER WHO MOVED OUT AND LEFT US!!! NOT PAYING FOR ANY OF THE NECESSITIES, KNOWING I WAS NOT WORKING SO AS TO TAKE CARE OF HIS KIDS. AND NOT GIVING ME MORE THAN $160 A WEEK, EVEN THOUGH HE WORKS IN A COAL MINE AND BRINGS HOME OVER $800 A WEEK. IT IS BECAUSE I PUT MY KIDS FIRST THAT I AM NOW DIVORCED AND STILL SINGLE. IT IS ALSO BECAUSE MY KIDS CAME FIRST THAT THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LOVED. EVENTUALLY THEY WILL BE GROWN ADULTS AND I WILL NOT HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM. UNLIKE NOW THAT CHILDREN SERVICES WILL BE CALLED!!!! HMMM I JUST DON'T SEE HOW A POTENTIAL PARTNER WOULD NOT WANT A RESPONSIBLE MATE. TO ME TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS YOU PRODUCED SHOULD BE FIRST PRIORITY. THEY ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!!! IN MY OPINION SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ABLE TO TAKE SECOND PLACE BEHIND MY KIDS, FOR NOW, IS A SELFISH PERSON!!!!!!!!! THEY NEED TO GROW UP AND SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!
 SunnyMommy
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 27
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:04:58 AM
Zookeeper - First of all, typing in CAPS is considered yelling and there is no reason to yell. The past is the past, we can not dwell in the past, but work for a better future. Even though there is no "pecking order" in my household, my son knows that he is loved, but he also knows how to compomise and respect others personal time. I do not understand why children services would be called for dating and spending a reasonable amount of time with a significant other. Everyone has time they could spend building a relationship without taking away from our children's lives, you just have to be creative and make it work. I do not believe because someone does not want to take a back seat to your children, that they are selfish.
 horzeshooz
Joined: 11/7/2005
Msg: 28
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:05:30 AM
It means that they come first....YOU COME AFTER FIRST........ SECOND.
 Whitetigeress
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 29
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:14:00 AM
ummmm


Well.... to me it means in the first phase of dating I may not be so available at a moments' whim to go out. I dont feel comfortable leaving them home all the time with a sitter, I feel its disrespectful to them.MY money goes to their care first so i may not be able to reciprocate or spoil my date either.

However.... as a relationship grows and love becomes present.. i am fully prepared to invest more time and attention to him to nuture our relationship.

So in the end, he gets to the top of my list right next to my kids. And if he is my kinda guy, he too will say WITH ME..... they come first!


There's a saying... not on top, not at the bottom, but beside you.
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 30
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:15:55 AM
To me those words mean that you and I will never be alone until they are out of college, and only half the time after that. You will consistantly tell me that we can not go out because their father stood them up and they are there. It means we will never go on a really good, romantic long weeked together, and a 2 week vaction is even MORE out of the question.

That's why a lot of guys steer clear of women with kids. Though as we get older and the women we date are older thus the kids are usually grown and gone. Then of course, the same things starts again with grandchildren, so....

Bottom line is that I would have to accept that I will NEVER come first.
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 31
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:31:44 AM
To me those words mean that you and I will never be alone until they are out of college, and only half the time after that.


Believe me, if shes really into you, she'll make the time to spend with you. I think you are way over exagerating about the college thing though. Ages 12, 13 is usually when they can stay at home by themselves without a sitter...




You will consistantly tell me that we can not go out because their father stood them up and they are there.


If the father stood them up, and the kids are too young to stay alone, would you rather she just left them on their own and maybe even risk somebody getting hurt in order to go out with you? What would that say about her as a mother or a person for that matter? Maybe you can suggest a baby sitter or another way where she will feel comfortable leaving the kids to spend time with you. After all, the happier and more safe she feels her kids are, the more guaranteed you both can have a good time, right?


It means we will never go on a really good, romantic long weeked together, and a 2 week vaction is even MORE out of the question.


I'm sure a romantic weekend wouldn't be a problem, once in awhile. Two weeks might be a bit tough, but thats not really her fault, how could she leave the kids alone (if they are young)for that amount of time? They won't be this age forever...

You know it cracks me up how some of these men want these great women with morals and integrity and honour, but wouldn't hesitate to date a mom that doesn't even care for her kids...Maybe some men would do women with children a favour by not even getting involved with them....Personally I just don't think some men like to share any womans attention.....and those are the ones that scream NEEDY to me....JMO
 SunnyMommy
Joined: 10/29/2004
Msg: 32
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:51:29 AM
I think the main reason that a lot of people do not want to date single parents is this whole "kids come first thing" A lot of single parents are unwilling to devote anytime to a significant other. Just because you are a parent does not mean you have to be superwomen/superman. Married couples get babysitters so that they can have a night out, why shouldn't single parents? Married couples have their children spend the night at friends houses and have play dates, why shouldn't single parents? Married couples have their children spend the weekend with friends and family, why shouldn't single parents? It seems like a lot of single parents feel that to be a good parent, their life has to revolve around their children, when it does not. I do not feel it is such a horrible thing for the person you are dating to expect to spend some time with you. They do have to understand that a childs needs are the priority, but that you are also willing to compromise when you can to reach a happy medium. Just because a parent has a life, does not mean they are not a good parent.

Whitetigeress - I love that saying - not on top, not at the bottom, but beside you
 crystal_00_43
Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 33
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 10:53:01 AM
that is so true treat them all exactly a like because if you love him to than love them all the same do things togeather do what you both want kids,you,him than you all can be happy
and life is short .
 kap10cavy1963
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 34
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:05:04 AM
I have to put in my two cents.
I have kids, 2 of them can tend to themselves pretty well.
However, one is handicapped and will not be going to college or moving out on his own.
Yes, at times his needs come before anyone elses.
Plans get cancelled, plans get cut short, things happen.
I don't hide this fact and some women seem to run once they meet my son.
If they aren't willing to take the time to know this great kid, it is their loss.
 Whitetigeress
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 35
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:11:17 AM
bingo,Kap! glad you like that saying Sunny

I think the whole understanding of kids coming first is a good indicator of whether your date is a good match for you or not
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 36
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:20:12 AM
I think the main reason that a lot of people do not want to date single parents is this whole "kids come first thing" A lot of single parents are unwilling to devote anytime to a significant other. Just because you are a parent does not mean you have to be superwomen/superman.



I think the phrase "kids come first" is translated in various forms for different people. When I say it, I mean that if there is an emergency and my kids need me, I will be there for them. It does not mean that I don't want a life for myself, sure I do! But that doesn't mean I neglect my responsibilities as a mother. I make time to date, I make time to be with somebody special. If I love their company I'll make sure we spend as much time as we can together, but I won't choose that over my responsibilities. There are things that need to be done, and I need to be there for. This doesn't mean I need to be with them 24/7, luckily mine are a bit older and can be left alone longer.

When I chose to have children, I chose to take the responsibilities that go along with it. My goal was to bring up two well mannered, mature, responsible (unspoiled) young men. My kids only have me, their father doesn't actively take part in their lives. I know one day I'll be able to look at them and know I did the best I could......they are our future, if we don't look after them, who will?

Kap...Kudos to you...I admire any person, man or woman that can step up and do the best they can. Only someone that has had to make real sacrifices can truly understand how important it is to have an understanding significant other BESIDE you, through it all...
 nottaprincess
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 37
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:24:54 AM
Here is something to think about though...

The children will grow up and move on to make their own lives...and this is a normal part of life...if you ALWAYS put the kids first, you might just end up alone and unhappy.

The fact is, parents have to make time for themselves...time for emotional, spiritual and physical pursuits...time that does include the children and time that is strictly without the children.

Some people use their children as an excuse to stay safe from emotional entanglement...some people are over involved in their childrens lives...

Would you like to be told that you will always play second fiddle to the children who eventually will be leaving the family nest? Just a thought!!



PS...my kids come first for me...but I can balance my time so that any partner would know he comes first in the realm of the adult world!!
 kindapicky
Joined: 8/28/2005
Msg: 38
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:49:27 AM
Hi Kiashmiah, there are a lot of good ideas posted here.

The statement "My question is....why is this so hard for a man to accept?"

Many of us men have seen marriages fail because of problems with step children, so we tend to be very cautious.

But just my 2 cents,
No one and I mean No one should ever be more important than the health and well being of your children. You stated your 15 yr old son encouraged you to go out and enjoy adult companionship. Sounds like a mature young man. Your 13 yr daughter still is hurting from the divorce, she should be reassured of how important she is to you, but not control you.

Children should be protected, not meet any dates, until there may be a time that person becomes very important/serious relationship for you. Someone posted friends may come and go, that is how you explain, your dates and adult friends to your children

I think the most important thing. Honesty from the beginning with any man interested in a date. ie I have x number of children and the ages are x, x, and x. You have provided him with important information and then he can decide if "he" can handle a relationship with you and your children.

As long as YOU controll the home and not the children(s). Most men can handle a relationship with step children.

You stated a christian-other in your profile. Look for some adult mature, positive, christain friends for friendship, this will/should also help with your younger children understanding adult friendship.



good luck, happy and watch out the 's

 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 39
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:55:59 AM
It means you are probably a very good mother.

They should come first, and any guy that can't understand that shouldn't be with a woman with kids.
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 40
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 11:59:05 AM
Okay. Confused....

First you said:

Believe me, if shes really into you, she'll make the time to spend with you. I think you are way over exagerating about the college thing though. Ages 12, 13 is usually when they can stay at home by themselves without a sitter.


Then you said:

If the father stood them up, and the kids are too young to stay alone, would you rather she just left them on their own and maybe even risk somebody getting hurt in order to go out with you?


So which is it? Leave them alone or not?

Where I live (Ohio) if you left a 12 year old alone for 5 minutes, Child Protective Services would take them away from you.

And THEN you say:


Maybe some men would do women with children a favour by not even getting involved with them


which has been the topic of many threads that ended up male bashing threads because the women go off about men "hold it against me because I have kids"..
So what rules do we follow?
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 41
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:21:18 PM
why is this so hard for a man to accept?

I found the answer to it quite early into my son's first months. His father would just not understand that time that our little man settled faster in my arms than his even if he was offering him the same bottle of milk as I did. Why? Simple answer. Little chappie could smell me and comfort was coming straight away with this recognition.

As the little man grew up that bond we had created while he was a part of me and later outside my body, is still strong enough for both of us to know what the other is thinking. We can read our faces like books. When he is happy, I'm happy and vice versa.

As I would accept my man's kids to be his priority #1, so I would sincerely hope he would understand the same on my part.
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 42
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:28:12 PM
I think you misunderstood my post eddie, I was not trying to bash men AT ALL. Just saying that if you do not want to date a woman with children because you feel that you'll be second best, then maybe you should stick to women that have no children...

I'm sorry Eddie this isn't meant to bash you at all, but there was something in your profile that really made me laugh out loud...


My dog is a HUGE part of my life so if you want to sing a song about how you won't be #2 to a dog, Whitney Houston, we have a problem. That dog has been with me 5 years and will be with me LONG after we have had our encounter and you have moved on.


So in other words, a woman should take second place to your dog, but you can't take second place to our children....talk about pot calling the kettle black...
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 43
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:35:11 PM
I know you weren't bashing ME, Tee.


....talk about pot calling the kettle black...


As far as my profile saying how much of my life is dedicated to my dog, don't you want to know that up front? Or would you rather find out later and hate me for it then?

So, yes, Ms Kettle.... I'm Mr Pot and I called you black.

(It's not THAT bad..... but she does get a lot of attention. When you have a pet who relies on your for food, water and access to a bathroom.....)
 stellair
Joined: 8/21/2006
Msg: 44
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:42:22 PM
Thanks florapost. A well thought out response.

Part of this discussion should include occasionally putting YOUR needs first. As a single (and dating) parent you are pulled in a multitude of directions by your family, friends, work, and potential significant other. I'm sure most would agree that many divorces occur because Mom and Dad don't put each others needs first...occasionally. Knowing that, florapost's comments about creating time for you and your kids, for you and your suitor, and for all of you together is crucial for harmony.

The definition of "putting the children first" and when constitutes an emergency obviously modifies with the age of the children. Part of "putting the kids first" IS teaching them that the universe doesn't revolve solely around them (or they will have a very rude awakening when faced with "the real world").

Whether cancelling plans with a child, or with your significant other involves providing them as much advanced notice as possible. A heart felt apology goes a long way. Your efforts to create a special time you and that individual also reinforces your commitment to that person in your life.

Last minute emergencies seldom occur, but when they do, your mates and childrens understanding is expected. Often things come up and plans need to change, but most often usually one has advance notice. Delaying that call sends the message that that adult or childs time is not important or respected.

Isn't clear communication always the key? Each person must be continuously reminded that they have a unique and important place in your heart and a unique role in your life.

It takes effort to make your relationship with your kids work well. Expect at least that much effort to make a relationship with someone else to florish too!

As with most things in this universe you will get back that what you put in.

Best wishes and I hope you receive all the love you deserve.
 kap10cavy1963
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 45
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 12:56:40 PM
Just going to thow a twist in this thread.
What about the single moms that get jealous when you spend too much time with her kids.
They state they want someone that loves kids, then when you give the kids attention, take them fishing, teach them to hit and catch a baseball, they get mad.
They want something, then get mad when they are no longer the center of attention.
 sassymiss
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 46
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 1:07:52 PM
IT IS BECAUSE I PUT MY KIDS FIRST THAT I AM NOW DIVORCED AND STILL SINGLE.

Doesn't this tell you something. You will never be able to have a permanent relationship with any man, simply because no man wants to be put in a situation where he is always second. I see no reason that a man should be second to children in a relationship that is going somewhere. Most good men will understand that your children have needs to be taken care of. But he will want to be at least on an equal basis. I think you are making a mistake making them the center of your world. There is no reason that you can not date. Hire a reliable sitter. If you find someone that you think is father material and you want to make a relationship with him to work, after some dates and you know more about him and you are satisfied with him, have him over to your place for dinner a few times. The children may learn to care for him. Teach your children that you also deserve time to your self and that because you are dating doesn't mean you are going to leave. Emotional outbursts by children are generally caused by the children trying to control the situation. Take control yourself. The children will come around.

IN MY OPINION SOMEONE WHO IS NOT ABLE TO TAKE SECOND PLACE BEHIND MY KIDS, FOR NOW, IS A SELFISH PERSON!!!!!!!!! THEY NEED TO GROW UP AND SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!

It is your opinion, which you have a right to, but I do not think it is the right one for you or for your children. How do you think they are going to feel when they grow up and are old enough to know that they could have had a father, and you deprived them of that chance. The men will and I would not blame them, for you are not marriage material with your outlook on men. It would not be selfish of them not to want to be second in your life. I am afraid that it is you who can't see the whole picture, and it isn't a pretty one. No offence meant by this post it is only an opinion.
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 47
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 1:28:30 PM

NOT PAYING FOR ANY OF THE NECESSITIES, KNOWING I WAS NOT WORKING SO AS TO TAKE CARE OF HIS KIDS. AND NOT GIVING ME MORE THAN $160 A WEEK, EVEN THOUGH HE WORKS IN A COAL MINE AND BRINGS HOME OVER $800 A WEEK.


That pretty much tells us why she is this bitter, eh? Whew.... issues.....

And in your profile you say you are an easy going person.....

If you need more support, go to court and appeal for it. None of us can help you with that.
 kiashmiah
Joined: 7/27/2005
Msg: 48
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 4:52:16 PM
Wow! If I have learned one thing from this post, it's that we ALL interpret things very differently!

Now Eddie, I don't believe that she is being bitter by sharing her stressors. Sometimes single mothers feel they have to "justify" the whys???? Perhaps she is sharing to make you aware of why it is difficult to pay for a sitter. $$$$$ is tight and she can't justify spending the $$ on a sitter rather than "clothes" for the child(ren).

Many of you "presume" way too much! If a mother states that her child(ren) come first, by no means does that instantly tie her to (the grandchildren ) That is ridiculous!

When I said the children come first, that means their security, as well as their education. Those of you that do not have children have little concept of the amount of time spent each evening with homework. Thus, it is not an option to make "plans" during the week. I am preparing my children (by being there for them) to be independent, successful adults

Again working at a High School certainly allows me the ability to see first hand the effects of (lack of parenting) has on our children. It's not pretty! The drop out rate is astounding!!! Sad really

Another thing....to the person who wrote about the mother who has her child involved in extra-curricular activities and asks why......ARE YOU KIDDING???? My you haven't a clue!!!! You think we keep our children busy because we enjoy living in the car taking them to practices, events et??? We do it to keep our children's minds and bodies healthy!

Seriously, many of you are correct and this post truly highlights the reasons why a single mother should not have a relationship with a man without children. (Yes, I know, I am generalizing) I apologize to those rare souls who actually view the forest before the trees.

Lastly, perhaps I should have reworded my thoughts to say: a man that RESPECTS my parenting choices rather than ACCEPTS them


Oh and TEE.....you're the BEST
 Steven02151
Joined: 10/18/2005
Msg: 49
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 5:21:51 PM
I had my daughter every weekend for a long time and dating was hard for me, so when she was a preteen I told her that being a father was important to me, but that her father was also a man and just like her having friends was important to her but didnt mean she didnt love me any less, I had to date. She understood and I'd have her friends over and a babysitter and dated, it worked out fine.

I think it is wrong to choose kids or a relationship or vice versa, one over the other, and theres something wrong when one feels forced to choose one over the other, too.

Ive made it "both/and" instead of "either/or". If you look at it as "either/or" then you will reap exactly what you sow but if you look at it as being able to accomodate "both/and", you find a happy balance.

"My kids come first" to me means that a woman isnt willing to strike a balance and its best to avoid her. As a parent, of course your kids come first, but if it excludes your being an adult and your social life ....something is wrong.
 livlykuwrdyn
Joined: 7/20/2006
Msg: 50
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 6:17:06 PM
My child will always take precedence over anyone in my life. This means that of course aside from emergencies which will always be taken care of, my childs feelings and well being are foremost important to me. I would never stay with someone who did not treat my child with love and extreme care as I do. I would never be one of those women who would do anything for her man even at the expense of her children. That is just pathetic. If it ever came down to getting serious and getting married to someone, then he would become equally important to me but my child is my 1st responsibility and he would have to understand that. I prefer dating men with children because there is really no need for explanations or conversations like this. We just understand.
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