| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 6:57:06 PM |
I prefer dating men with children because there is really no need for explanations or conversations like this. We just understand.
I haven't found that to be as true as I'd like it to be.
If someone said, "My children come first." to me, I'd think I don't come first. And, it probably wouldn't matter, at least initially. I mean, if you're just getting to know someone, it's absurd to think you'll come first or even in the top 3. You have to earn that sort of priority.
However, there's a difference in saying "My kids come first." and completely blowing ppl off and being disrespectful. I don't know why a person would even mention that her kids come first unless she's trying to tell the guy to back off. That sort of declaration is simply antagonistic, at best. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 7:02:36 PM |
What does my children come first mean to you?
I admit. I'm not very patient so, I have not read each and every response. However, here is my answer to the original question.
It means that you're a good parent. Nothing more, nothing less.
I also know how difficult it is to find someone (male or female) that "really" understands this. They either think that this means you will have no time for them or that you will never love or respect them the way they should be. Both are false, but it's difficult to explain this if they have a hard time understanding your situation or, better yet, never give themselves the opportunity to learn about your situation.
I'm a single dad. I still have free time and I adore women and treat them the best I can. I would never prevent myself from falling in love or from treating a woman the way she deserves because I have kids. I'd also never rob myself of a social life. It's just not as easy as it would be if I didn't have kids. Still, kids are no different than any other responsibility when you think of it from this angle.
If you have an involved job or are have major obligations to the community, you may have less time on your hands than I have. I don't see too many people saying "I'd never date a CEO".
If you make the necessary sacrifices for your kids, you're a good parent and anyone who cannot understand this is not worth missing when they leave or even fail to get involved. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 53 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 7:59:58 PM | Interesting posts here. It boils down to this:
#1 - how old are the kids
#2 - what stage are you in the relationship
#3 - how are you conveying it to the other person
#4 - if you are in a relationship, when you are with the other person do you spend quality time?
My last relationship, his kids ranged from 19 to 32. He even briefly talked marriage with me. One of the things that came out of his mouth "my kids come first". His 19 year old daughter would call several times a night. Finally, I told him, "let's have a date night, let your kids know they are not to call you unless the house is burning down or its a dire emergency". If the kids don't know how to turn on the microwave, that can wait. He wasn't real pleased with the idea. I told him that if I remarry again, the marriage comes first. Hence, we are no longer together.
There are times when you have to balance needs, but if the kids are not little and you want a meaningful relationship, you'd better put the relationship first as much as you can. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/15/2006 9:10:06 PM | Kiash,
Some of the people here make some good points. Right now it sounds like you don't really have time for a relationship, and you should put it off until later in your life. That would be fair to everybody. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 5:50:07 AM |
Another thing....to the person who wrote about the mother who has her child involved in extra-curricular activities and asks why......ARE YOU KIDDING???? My you haven't a clue!!!! You think we keep our children busy because we enjoy living in the car taking them to practices, events et??? We do it to keep our children's minds and bodies healthy! Many parents over schedule their children's activites so they feel like a good, involved parent.
Just because your children are involved in extra-curricular does not mean you do not have time to date someone or make them a priority in your life. I take my son to speech therapy, occupational therapy and behavior therapy every week. We are also very active with the Boys and Girls Club, Special Olympics and Families First. This does not make it unable for me to date. Every Thursday, I come home, go swimming, cook dinner, do homework, play some yahtzee or another board game, get my son ready for bed and then his grandmother comes and reads with him while he goes to sleep. I am also lucky because his father takes him every other weekend. An understanding boyfriend and our ability to compromise on our schedule allows us to date. And every Friday night is date night. The weekend I have my son, we go out to dinner and then an activity and then the weekend he is at dad's, I go out on my dates. All I am saying, is that if you want to date, there is a way and you can make time. If you can not make time, then you really do not want to date and should step away from the dating scene until you are ready to actively date. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 6:34:01 AM | | My behalf of children coming first I think they should if something comes up and a child gets sick or gonna through a midlife crisis a man should understand. But if a man wants a women to put him first instead of her children then he should find him a single women with no kids. It's not easy bein a single parent. I have two boys of my own and if daddy can't put his foot down on alot of stuff they do then it's up to me to put my single life on hold and take care of them first. I want them to grow up knowing that I want put a man before them. They are my life without them I wouldnt even think bout being happy. I ain't puttin no man or women down it's just that if you don't take care of the kids first then hard tellin what they going to grow up to be. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 8:21:06 AM | my childern come first, I want them to be happy, they need to like the person I am seeing or else I won't be happy having to listen to it all the time. if my kids are sick and need me I am there. If you are with someone who cares for you they care for your kids, they help when its bedtime, they help clean-up dinner, they help make chicken noodle soup.
and I think for a man to give up on a woman because she says the kids come first, isn't really a man. cause one day he might have his own then what, keep them in there rooms for life so he can still be #1.
luvbug | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 10:05:31 AM | post #62...
if you are going to be with someone who has kids already then when you have your own say with that person how on earth could you treat your kid with her/him different then the ones that were there before.
This makes me sick thinking about the people who do this. no wonder there are so many childern out that turn out the way they are!
maybe these people just should stay away from people who have kids already! | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 10:10:53 AM | msg 64,
Because you can't treat them equally. It's not the same. In MANY cases, the mother (and this has happened to me) will tell you that those children are not yours. That it is not your place to dicipline them etc. They already have a father...
They are not your children, not your blood. It's impossible to feel the exact (equal) way you do about your own. That does not mean you don't love them. It just means it won't be the same, | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 12:13:36 PM | Some of you need to stop dating single moms who feel guilty about the divorce or however the relationship with their kid's dad ended.
And, if yelling at a kid when he's doing something wrong is the first thing that pops into your mind, learn how to view kids as people before meeting any. If don't go around yelling at adults, learn to use your inside voice with the kiddies, too. :) | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 2:20:13 PM |
They are not your children, not your blood. It's impossible to feel the exact (equal) way you do about your own. That does not mean you don't love them. It just means it won't be the same,
First I will say this, no boyfriend or girlfriend has the right to correct a child in any manner. If you want that right get married. A child is a child, whether your own or your new husband/wife's. There must be equal treatment. Why is it impossible to feel equal love towards a child not yours? Plenty of people adopt children before and after their own and love and treat them equal. It is the only way to go. They do not have to have your blood to get equal treatment. Just an opinion. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 2:40:25 PM |
no boyfriend or girlfriend has the right to correct a child in any manner. I so do not get this. So you are saying that the parent is the only one who has a right to correct a child in ANY manner? What about a teacher, principal, and daycare worker? These people all have the right to correct your child. When you leave your child with a family member or a babysitter, you give them the right to correct your child. Why would a boyfriend or girlfriend not have the right to correct a child in ANY manner? This is why children walk all over significant others and step-parents. These children insist "you're not my mother/father so you can't tell me what to do" and why do they say that, because the paternal/maternal parent teaches them this. If I trust someone to be around my son, spend time with my son, watch my son and care for my son, they are allowed to correct my son. I am not saying they have the right to discipline my child, but they can correct them. Would you rather them allow your child to hurt themselves, someone else, or damage something because your partner was afraid to correct them? | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:26:59 PM | wow after reading all of this it seems like this could be a big problem for some.this is my first time single in a long time.and I dont know who I made meet she could be single or she could have 3 kids but in any case I belive I would go into a relationship with a open heart and take it as it comes.so if she says her kids come first so what thats good sign she is a awesome mom.will I be second yea maybe.but im not there just for her when I said I like her I have better like the kids as they are a package as some made call it. so if she to busy to date thats fine for the time being.but as the relationship grows I also want to spent the time with the kids so they can know me and see who im.do I want to win the kids over you bet cause they are first.and it also what matters to her. who care if im not the father who cares about any of that stuff god be real ppl.you accept her you must accept the kids.if the kids are happy and your happy.she will be also be happy.and guess what?? now that could be a family. so what ever happens the kids have to be first.look at this way if I had to keep the kids for a year and she resure me that im the one to be in her life its worth to me. sometimes you just have to look at the kids first and the mom second.because you can only full fill half of her desire.but to stand side by side thru it all.in the end you will have the best wife ever.and who knows one day the kids may just say wow your not our dad.but guess what you are the greatest dad. SO IF SHE CALL ME AND SAID I CANNT MAKE TONIGHT BECAUSE KIDS ARE SICK OR WHAT EVER. I WOULD RATHER HEAR HEY YOU WANT TO COME OVER ONE OF THE KIDS IS SICK. OR ITS GAME NIGHT U COMING | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:28:48 PM |
I so do not get this. So you are saying that the parent is the only one who has a right to correct a child in ANY manner? What about a teacher, principal, and daycare worker? These people all have the right to correct your child. When you leave your child with a family member or a babysitter, you give them the right to correct your child. Why would a boyfriend or girlfriend not have the right to correct a child in ANY manner? This is why children walk all over significant others and step-parents. These children insist "you're not my mother/father so you can't tell me what to do" and why do they say that, because the paternal/maternal parent teaches them this. If I trust someone to be around my son, spend time with my son, watch my son and care for my son, they are allowed to correct my son. I am not saying they have the right to discipline my child, but they can correct them. Would you rather them allow your child to hurt themselves, someone else, or damage something because your partner was afraid to correct them?
I said boyfriend/girlfriend. I'll add lovers. I said nothing about these others. Naturally reliable babysitters,school and daycare workers have the right to correct them. You are blowing it way out of context. I said nothing about step-parents correcting children,of course they have a right to. You call it significant other, well let us call it what it is. LOVER. And they have no right to correct another man's/ woman's child.
Hire a reliable sitter. There are too many abuse situations in the news where children have been left with gf/bf. Most of them wind up serious.GF/BF want rights to correct the children get married. Less child rape and murder and don't say there isn't. The news is loaded with it at least once a week. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 3:41:46 PM | Sunny.....this is a very delicate matter. Children of a good parent do not walk on significant others whether they're married or not. In fact, I don't allow my kids to be disrespectful to adults who have given them every reason in the world to be disrespectful towards them. I don't want my kids to grow up as beligerant little brats. However, I do not allow anyone else to discipline my kids. I don't leave my kids in the care of many people, but the ones that I do leave them with know how I would handle the situation. They also know how I wouldn't.
Still, in the situation where there is a significant other, the biological parent should be the responsible party. Kids should not be asking permission from the boy friend or girlfriend. They should not be hearing the rules from that gf/bf. Even if the biological parent moves into a home owned by the bf/gf, the parent is the one who the children must look to as parent, guardian, and disciplinarian.
This is how I handle my kids. I will not allow anyone to undermine my authority with my children because they are mine, but I don't allow them to walk all over anyone. My ex, however, is a different case and, although I disagree with what she does, I have mixed feelings. Both outlooks, though, are of no consequence to me.
She expects my kids to consult her new bf about decisions. If they want to go to a friends house or go to the park, they ask the bf, not their mother. When they come home, they tell me how the bf doesn't allow them to do certain things. It's always his rules, his permission etc.
I think this is wrong for one major reason. The kids will not grow up with the respect they should have for their mother because they will see that she has shirked her responsibilities as a parent. This is of no burden to me because, in my opinion, their mother is far worse than they can even comprehend at this point and I'm not going to tell them the truth at this point either. However, this is sure to screw with their development. A child should love and respect both parents. Even if they cannot love and respect eachother.
A parent who allows the significant other to be the authority figure is failing as a parent. Even if the rules are those of the bf/gf, the rules need to come from the parent. I see it as a pretty simple concept, but a lot of people fail to see it this way.
My mother did. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 4:29:06 PM | Well, guess I am the only one who believes it takes a village to raise a child. I will correct anyone's and everyone's child when there is any threat of danger or destruction of property. If my son is in danger, I would hope someone would step in. If my son is spending time at another parents house, they have the right to correct him, as does as babysitter, teacher, adult friend and yes, my boyfriend. You can guarantee I trust my boyfriend as much as I trust a babysitter.
Since when does significant other signify LOVER? according to Merriam-Webster it is "a person who is important to one's well-being; especially : a spouse or one in a similar relationship" I would never have a "lover" around my children. I would have a long term boyfriend/significant other around my son.
Wether or not I am married to someone does not make that individual person more or less likely to abuse my child. There are real threats out there, but the media makes a mockery of every incident making it seem like it is widespread. There is also abuse in daycares, schools, homes, churches everyday, but because my boyfriend helps my child stay safe does not mean he is more likely to harm my child. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 5:45:31 PM | I think I'm having a hard time getting my point across, so I'll leave it at that. If I'm not sure where you're coming from and you're not sure where I'm coming from, we're both failing to understand and I will likely only go further astray.
The only thing I will say is this. That cliche about it taking a village.......to me, it says a lot about modern family values. It used to take a mother and a father. Now we're counting on society to raise our kids??? I know there's no way to completely shield them from the influences of society, but I'll do my best to make sure I have more influence on them than anything else or anyone else.
I'm not suggesting you're a bad parent. I think we're on two different pages here. I'm only substantiating my stance as it pertains to the OP. Kids are the sole responsibility of the parent. Others can assist if the parent allows for it, but in the end, all consequences for our actions are upon our own shoulders. If kids grow up thinking their mother or father shirked on their responsibilities by allowing one or more non-parents to carry a position of authority similar to that of a parent over them, then that is the fault of that parent and that parent alone.
I grew up feeling that way and I know I will not have my kids growing up that way. | |
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Rador
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Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 68 | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 6:27:23 PM | I figure that regardless of marital status your kids are priority #1, they are kids and you are PARENTS. (should be the same for both parents, regardless of custody situation)
I would not want to be involved with someone who did not respect my needs for time/involvement with my children (I'm basically on the alternating weekend arrangement). Would also have a big problem with someone being jealous of that time with my kids, or the ad hoc demands that come with parenting. If you can't celebrate the fact that I love, care for/spend time with my kids, how the hell can you expect me to love and care about you?
I did not say that my kids "come first", I think its more about that I'm not going to deny my responsibility/love for them based on someones selfish needs. I suppose that if you don't have kids you may not "get" this. I'd be happy to have someone else join the club of people I care deeply about, but sorry...exclusive membership not available. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 8:05:35 PM | I've seen a few comments that the OP should not be dating. I'll challenge that one...
I'll preface this by saying being a single parent is probably the hardest job anyone can have.
That being said, a single working adult with kids (who has every other weekend off..maybe) realistically has about the same amount of time to devote to a relationship as they would in a marriage. Granted that their dates are not around 24/7 like a spouse would be, but I'll bet the actual one on one "quality" relationship time is about the same. So dating is not out of the question, its just a matter of the OP finding someone operating in the same reality that she is, and there are a lot of us!
So OP, keep fishing!  | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/16/2006 8:29:07 PM | If you have to make a big announcement to a man that "my kids come first" then the quality of the men you are dating is not very high. Any woman I date knows I have children of my own so I don't need them to insult my intelligence by telling me their kids come first. "No sh!t, and that I reminds me I should be home hanging with my kids instead of wasting my time with you" would be my response as I head out the door.
To me, a more intelligent and less self-serving statement would be something like "I have ## kids and I work full time, so my free time is obviously limited" or something to that affect.
Men are used to dating women with children. I have found that it is women who don't understand the priority I place on my children. And the moment I feel even close to having to make any proclamations about "my children coming first" is the exact moment that woman is relegated to strictly booty-call status. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/17/2006 7:02:25 PM | it means what its supposed to mean
if ur too needy and cant bear to share your new gf with her kids then u need to grow up and stop beina pantywaste
kid always come first and any woman that would put me ahead of her children would and have been gotten rid of asap
happened once b4 witha gal and i told her right off
gawd help me if im gonna come between a woman and her little girl
thats just selfish n sick i think
kids are always put ahead and thats the way it should b if u are an adult then bloody act like one
thats my humble opinion tho
and even the new bf should put the childs wishes ahead of his own
never hurts to play with and enjoy the little person who stands in the center of your new relationship
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/17/2006 7:12:49 PM | I see that in soooooo many profiles..."my kids come first"
Yes, I have kids...it's a given that they are my priority... I didn't think it was something that needed to be added to my profile... and unless a relationship is going somewhere...my kids don't even come into the equation.
What does it mean? I am their Mom...first and foremost. Everything else is secondary. | |
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