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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > What does "my children come first" mean to you?      Home login  
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 trubblemakr
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 76
What does my children come first mean to you?Page 4 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
boyfriends husnbands etc they come n go
ur babies are forever tho
 sassymiss
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 77
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/17/2006 10:38:55 PM

Since when does significant other signify LOVER? according to Merriam-Webster it is "a person who is important to one's well-being; especially : a spouse or one in a similar relationship" I would never have a "lover" around my children. I would have a long term boyfriend/significant other around my son.

If you sleep with him he is a lover regardless of what you call him.

Dime12804, You are a good father. I agree with you.


This is not intended as an attack on anyone. It is my belief.
The difference between a charity whore and a prostitute is the whore gets paid.
If women did not bring men into their homes and live with them without marriage there would be more marriages ,less divorces, and less delinquents in this country. Children should not have to answer to a gf/bf period. They should not be allowed to talk back to the gf/bf but a good mother/father would not put a child in that sitution. Giving gf/bf permission to tell your children what they can do, you fail as a parent! Living together is not being a good role model for your children. Having sex in the same house where your children lives is not right. Oh Yeah! I know this is the 2000's and just about everything goes, but that does not make it morally right. Any decent person will step in when a child is in danger.
 ButchNYC
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 78
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/18/2006 11:28:29 AM
Most guys do understand, IF you seem apolagetic and kind of let them into your life in a way that keeps them involved...I mean if the relationship works out they are going to be with you 24/7 at some point why not make it a point to stay in touch via mobile phone after you've cancelled a date and have some down time with the kids during their events? If the guy doesn't respect that then you need to kick him to the curve, but there really does need to be some quality time for more than a couple of hours per week, if that.
 littlemissbadass
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 79
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/18/2006 12:14:26 PM
It's all about balance. Any man who willingly decides to date a single mother already knows the situation. Their position in the relationship doesn't need to be categorized on a 1-10 scale, nor do they want to hear this. Would you? If everything else comes first why date in the first place. You can be a busy, great and devoted mother and still have a life and healthy relationship. A man will see it in your personality, actions and words just how important your kids are to you. No need to spell it out or have the "mother of the year" licence plate on your minivan. They will respect it if you are a respectable person. Open communication is important anyway, so if things come up, and they will, then a great guy will understand. Just make it up to them the next time. (wink wink) I think i'm dipping into the give and take section of my talk now. Ok....enough then...
 kiashmiah
Joined: 7/27/2005
Msg: 80
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:03:43 PM
SunnyMommy...

Obviously you have a son with special needs. I applaud you on your involvement and dedication to your son. I also agree with your point of view that it takes a “village” to raise a child. However many of us single parents do not have a “grandmother” in the picture to “read to our child a night”. Nor do we have relatives nearby to lend a helping hand. I have three children (not just one) to care for. The youngest is three years old. Their father does not live by (2 hrs away) and as I said in a previous post, he rarely wants to see them. I provide Speech Therapy to special education students. I Love my job, but it is time consuming as well as emotionally taxing at times. Working with children of special needs, I have learned one important lesson. Don’t judge! While I would never allow a man to sleep in my home with my children present (unless married), I do not judge you for doing so. You have found what you feel works for you and your son. But by the same token, don’t judge me and the way that I raise my children. We all do what we have to do, by the best of out abilities.

I do believe that there are men out there that respect the fact that many single mothers view their children as #1. I also believe that the man would be wise enough to know that should he ever make his way into my heart, he too would be #1. Just in different capacities.

With that said, I wish you luck in your relationship and with what ever the future holds for you~
Kiashmiah
 rjpeagles
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 81
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:37:41 PM
Well put cdn grl (msg82)
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 82
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 1:15:00 AM
How sad. I read every single post and saw exactly ONE from somebody who knew the real score. The mystery about why kids are so miserable these days is solved.

Children 1st = Bad Mother No exceptions. No three year old should EVER have the responsibility for an adult's failures and misfortunes shifted to her. Not ever. When children rule the home, it is always unhappy. Children learn by observing adults. Adults should be the center of children's lives, not the other way around. It is grossly unfair to a child to force them into the dominant position in their home, because the parent defaults on her responsibility to put the child in her natural place... subordinate. What good is she to them, if she lets them run her life and cause her to fray at the ends? How secure does a three year old feel when a teenager bends Mom any way she likes? Who runs that house? The teenager of course. I'll bet the tot feels great about that.

Can you date a single mother? Of course you can. Can you have a relationship with her? If and ONLY if she puts HERSELF first-- not her children. If she can't? Then she might be a fine dinner date, but no more than that. If she is not a good mother, she will be a worse wife. Bet on that.

As for you manginas out there who "understand", understand this: if you have any compassion for the unfortunate children involved, you will stay the hell out of it. Do NOT enable this kind of single mother. If those kids never see their Dad there is likely a reason... and it ISN'T him! Don't think you can save her (or them) from the dragon. There is none. Only her own childish and shameful antics. If you are part of that, then blame nobody but yourself when the teen calls the cops and accuses you of molesting her and your gf turns on you like a rabid animal.
 Will_NeverGiveUp
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 83
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 3:22:22 AM
When someone says their children come first I take them for their word. The children SHOULD come first, it's just not MY lifestyle. I'll respectfully move on.

I, for one, am at a time in my life where I want to be number one in someones' life and will eagerly recipricate.

No... I'm not going there. I'll keep looking for someone with the same lifestyle, time and viewpoints I have.
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 84
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 6:14:27 AM
magical...


How sad. I read every single post and saw exactly ONE from somebody who knew the real score.


The real score as in, YOUR opinion of what real is..


The mystery about why kids are so miserable these days is solved.


Did you learn this when you got your psychology degree, or while raising your own children?? OH, I see you have none, and you don't want any, which is probably a good thing with your attitude..


Children 1st = Bad Mother No exceptions.


again...your opinion, NOT everyone elses...


What good is she to them, if she lets them run her life and cause her to fray at the ends? How secure does a three year old feel when a teenager bends Mom any way she likes? Who runs that house? The teenager of course. I'll bet the tot feels great about that.


Being there for your children doesn't mean they run your life...in fact, theres even more discipline because we choose to put that time and effort into raising them as best we can. I think you're totally misunderstanding what the OP is saying...when we choose to have a significant other in our lives, they will be important, just in a different way...this does NOT mean that our children rule our lives...



If those kids never see their Dad there is likely a reason... and it ISN'T him! Don't think you can save her (or them) from the dragon. There is none. Only her own childish and shameful antics. If you are part of that, then blame nobody but yourself when the teen calls the cops and accuses you of molesting her and your gf turns on you like a rabid animal.


Yes, of course, single mothers are all to blame when the father decides to neglect their own children. We're obviously controlling THEIR actions too....theres a hell of alot of assumptions here, and you have totally blown this discussion way out of proportion. As I stated in a previous post, men that think like you, need to be sticking to single women with no children...or maybe you should have a couple of kids of your own, so that you are better informed of what parenting is all about, and have experienced first hand what it takes to raise a child.....Only then can you have a valid discussion and opinion about this, until then, your rant means nothing to those that do have them and choose to raise them a certain way...JMO.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 85
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 12:50:06 PM

Did you learn this when you got your psychology degree, or while raising your own children?? OH, I see you have none, and you don't want any, which is probably a good thing with your attitude..

Psycology degree? Raising children? *spit* Be a kid who never sees his dad because his mother is a vengeful head case that doesn't have to obey the law and court orders.



Children 1st = Bad Mother No exceptions.


again...your opinion, NOT everyone elses...

My opinion does not matter. Everybody elses opinion does not matter. Results matter. Should we all get a vote on what you can and can't do with your children? My guess is that you would not want that. I would not want that either -- even if I thought you were making a mistake. It is not right.


What good is she to them, if she lets them run her life and cause her to fray at the ends? How secure does a three year old feel when a teenager bends Mom any way she likes? Who runs that house? The teenager of course. I'll bet the tot feels great about that.



Being there for your children doesn't mean they run your life...in fact, theres even more discipline because we choose to put that time and effort into raising them as best we can. I think you're totally misunderstanding what the OP is saying...when we choose to have a significant other in our lives, they will be important, just in a different way...this does NOT mean that our children rule our lives...

Being there? Giving guidence and discipline? That is not what I am being critical of. I am not being critical of single mothers in general either. Most do the very best that they can -- always.

What I am harping on are mothers who use their children. Some use them to attract attention -- Munchausen by Proxy. Then there are those who use children as a free psychotherapist. Then there are those who drag kids through an alphabet soup of social service agenices to obtain services for their child with imagined "special needs". I do not say ALL single mothers are like that. I am of the belief that they are not. What I am saying is that the Children First bombast is common to all of those user mothers. You don't need a psychology degree to be a victim of that.


Yes, of course, single mothers are all to blame when the father decides to neglect their own children. We're obviously controlling THEIR actions too....theres a hell of alot of assumptions here, and you have totally blown this discussion way out of proportion.

You strike a sore spot for me and my Dad here. I only have the spiritual strength to cover it briefly. If you deny that any mother has ever abused the law to extinguish a father's relationship with his kids out of malice, then we have no room for discussion. If you concede that it may have happened once, then the mother was most likely a Children Firster.


As I stated in a previous post, men that think like you, need to be sticking to single women with no children...or maybe you should have a couple of kids of your own, so that you are better informed of what parenting is all about, and have experienced first hand what it takes to raise a child.....Only then can you have a valid discussion and opinion about this, until then, your rant means nothing to those that do have them and choose to raise them a certain way...JMO.

I agree that single men should not seek a relationship with women with small children. As for me personally, I can't have children. My father gave me much, but I don't want to add his pain to my own. When sweetie pie decides unilaterally that we are out of love, she will take out a PPO against me, throw me into the street and I shall never see my kids again. It was bad in my Dad's day. It is exponentially worse now.

As far as having a valid discussion about it goes, is it your contention that only Dr Phil and single mothers can talk about it? A victim is not allowed to say his piece? I know that isn't what you mean to say. My guess is that you are a very decent person and a good mother. You only criticize me because you think all other single mothers are like you-- they aren't, they really aren't.
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 86
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 3:25:55 PM

Psycology degree? Raising children? *spit* Be a kid who never sees his dad because his mother is a vengeful head case that doesn't have to obey the law and court orders.


I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Its unfortunate when any parent uses their children for revenge. But you can't lump all mothers in the same group because of your experience...and you can't think that its just mothers that do this.
I looked at it from another angle. I am one of those mothers that WANTED my ex in the picture. I begged my ex to be more involved with the children. He lives 5 minutes from my house, and if he sees them one day a month he's doing good. He lives the life of a single man without any responsibility.
Whenever I call to try and get him involved,(eg. invite him to a soccer game, or an open house at the school) his answer is always "I'm busy". So just like your mother used you as a child for revenge on your father, my ex used NOT seeing them as revenge on me. I have sole custody of my children not because I wanted him to stay away, but because he wanted to stay away. Sad but true.....If only every parent could understand that their actions hurt the child more then the ex spouse, maybe things would be different...

Going back to the original post...believe me, there are times when adult conversation and a much needed break from our hectic everyday life is welcome. The person I choose to have in my life will be well loved, but they have to understand that I have responsibilities. The man that can stand beside me (not behind me) and try to understand my life as a single parent through the times when my kids still need me, will be the person I would want to be with.
 ToolmanTQ
Joined: 9/21/2006
Msg: 87
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 3:45:33 PM
When a woman says "my children come first," it is usually an indication that she is truly not ready for a real relationship. When a relationship is flourishing the kids and your SO are equal. The OP admitted to feelings of guilt with her daughter, which just underscores the point of not being ready. If you can't handle your kids, you can't handle anyone else in a relationship. I always judge a perspective partner by the way she interacts with her children -- if they are out of hand and disrespectful -- NEXT! To the OP, if your daughter cared anything about you, she would want you to be happy first and foremost (realizing that your happiness will make her life that much better.) The fact that her father has lost interest in her might be a matter of her own selfishness more than anything else.
Just so you know I am not a thoughtless bastage, I was a foster parent for 5 years and saw just how much impact broken relationships have on kids. Some adjust to it, others don't, and still others use it as a way to manipulate the parents -- where does yours fit in?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 88
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/19/2006 4:11:30 PM
Kiashmiah (OP),

The truth is that I am not interested in the "dating scene."

Whenever I meet someone new, my oldest daughter (13) becomes emotional and always says "the same thing will happen to you as it did with dad" meaning that they will become non-existent in my life, and the "man" will be my only interest.

I think this does answer your original question. "Children come first" -- is an over-used cliche... what the heck is that supposed to mean? Getting to work supercedes going out on dates, just as tending to a child's fundamental needs does too!

Yes, many guys come to realize that they'll have less time than they thought with a woman they're starting to date, because of her children. I'm not ignoring that... but many single mothers aren't ready to date, either.

If you have issues with the dating scene, and feel pressure from your children about dating anyone, then definitely take that into consideration in how it's affecting you, which I think you are. I think those issues may lead you to not call a guy to let him know what's going on, because you are busy with children and other issues, and due to that -- your heart isn't into dating -- not that some guy's trying to SOAK up your time away from your children.

The guy was probably left hanging, but someone working 70 hours a week, or working and having kids, doesn't mean the other person "doesn't understand" -- sometimes, you're just too caught up in other aspects of your life that you're too mentally exhausted to "deal" with the dating scene.
 sassymiss
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 89
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/24/2006 5:02:30 PM

boyfriends husbands etc they come n go
ur babies are forever tho


And why do husbands go? A lot of times because of neglect and lack of consideration for him. No, the children should come in 2nd if he is a good husband.Husbands should not come and go! A husband should be forever. Know your boyfriend/girl-friend before you marry. This takes time. Boyfriends/girlfriends do come and go and that is why they should not be allowed to tell your children what to do. Children resent this and will retaliate because they are unhappy = a good child turns bad sometimes. Yes, you should love your children and take care of their needs, but you do not let them run your life. Your being in charge does not mean that not letting them have their way is neglecting them. Children now days rule the house. They throw screaming fits in stores and at home, in order to get their way. It is a very bad mistake to let them get by with this and I have seen it over and over again. The fact is they will resent you later in life for making them brats. No one wants to be around a brat. I raised 4 children and they sure did not act like this modern generation. Their needs were taken care of and so were my husbands till the day he died. Get your priorities straight. Love them all. If you have a good husband put him in the # 1 spot. It is what he deserves.
 Pasquale
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 90
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 10/28/2006 11:40:09 AM
Kiashmiah,
Well put. Talking about bad parenting....my ex (a 40 year old widow) has four kids that she basically neglects. They have chips on their shoulders because they lost their dad...understandable, but she hasn't even taken them to counseling or tried to cousel them herself. Even her pets get neglected. Last year when we had ice and snow in the winter, her dog was chained to a tree without even one of those igloo dog houses. She only got one for the dog because I said something. The last time I saw that dog, you could see his ribs throught his back...obviously undernourished. She made some lame excuse.
She stayed out, often times all night at my place, and would occasionally get drunk around her kids. They ended up blaming ME for her behavior. They didn't know that she has had a binge drinking problem since she was a teenager.
I wanted so much for her to put her kids first. After three years with her, NOTHING changed. Her 15 year old boy attacked me one time when he and I were trying to stop her from drinking and driving...(gave me a nice shiner), and I've seen her with a black eye that her own 14 year old daughter gave her. It wasn't pretty. On top of that, when I asked her to have a sit-down with her boy, that we need to smooth things over, she said that he didn't want or need to apologize or accept an apology from me because he didn't like me. I was always taught to apologize when you do something wrong to another person or being.
WTF!!!
 lilkat
Joined: 7/9/2006
Msg: 91
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/1/2006 9:45:01 AM
Some men don't understand where we are coming from when we say our kids come first. I was a single mom for alot of years and yes my kids do come first. If I'm with a guy he has to accept that. I will give him what he needs but I have kids to who need me. I carried my kids for 9 months and raised them pretty much on my own. I'm not going to push my kids aside for any man.
 EastSideEddie
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 92
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:03:09 AM

Be a kid who never sees his dad because his mother is a vengeful head case that doesn't have to obey the law and court orders.


And there's your answer, Tee.

He is still swinging swords from his own childhood.

This is a personal issue for every individual to decide. Someone up above said


.....make it up to him next time.


That's the thing. There IS no next time. Until the kids are 21 and have kids of their own, the man will remain on the back burner, if even on the stove. Thus many men opt to not get involved where minor children are involved.

Then factor in the militant paranoid women who think every man who spends time with their kids is just plotting and waiting for the right time to molest them....

Men can't win in this one. We are either called shallow for not wanting kids or viewed as potential molestors if we do.
 Classygal4u
Joined: 3/30/2005
Msg: 93
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:31:12 AM
It could be that you've got them on the DEFENSIVE. Of course your children are important to you; and any man "worth his salt" should know that, HOWEVER, you might not be coming across as genuinely sorry for missing out on a chance to spend with your partner. Perhaps youre carrying some resentment as to how others might have treated you as a single mother, and projecting your anger on to them--- so they had "better understand, OR ELSE!" bUT, You see, adults are people too! *grin* and often, men, especially are our over-grown kiddies as well ... LMAO
Therefore... treat them with KID gloves... balance love for children with your new man... no, dont skimp on raising your child.. just look for better ways to allow your new man into your life... he may have to compromise and come along on a family oriented picnic etc. If he cannot compromise at all or give you any leeway/room to be a mother, then of course KICK THE BLOKE TO THE CURB.
Thats my thoughts currently, Melanie
 tutu4me
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 94
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/1/2006 11:32:10 AM
it comes from past bad relationships and or stereo typing
 wsrfr33
Joined: 6/16/2006
Msg: 95
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/1/2006 9:49:57 PM
I have run into this before but not with women who have 3 kids. Kids take up LOTS of time. Talking is one thing; actually walking the talk is another thing. Being a guy, I think I can relate to how this occurs. You meet this gorgeous lady who has 3 kids, you say you support and can handle it, and then when you do a reality check, you find yourself disappointed and upset when things don't go as planned. If a guy wants to be number 1, then I say pass...but if you are willing to be patient and try to work it out, then look at the prize. That is simply the way I look at it.
 matsvw
Joined: 10/24/2006
Msg: 96
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What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:30:24 PM
It means your only realy looking for a superficial relationship and dont expect to have to put much effort into anything. Of course its perfactly understandable. Theres only so many hours in the day So on and so forth. You cant love half way or set stipulations over its allowances. It only leads to misunderstanding of an unforfilled expectation. With love (every other weekend) Mathew.
 Piano4te
Joined: 10/19/2006
Msg: 97
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:37:16 PM
Here is the real reason most men can't apparently understand why being put 'second best' in regards to somebody else's kids......and it's gonna sting a little.....

If the man who actually produced the sperm to produce the 'primary' concern couldn't even be put first........what fool would ever assume he would have any BETTER of a chance???
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 98
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/2/2006 12:36:01 PM
piano4te.... BINGO

Half the dudes I know got their divorce in the delivery room.
 justmeinnc05
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 99
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/2/2006 3:10:55 PM

I think.....

the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with,

grow old with,

share everything with..

Should come first


I agree 100%. Yes when children are young, yes thier needs come first, but it doesn't mean they come first in your heart.

I really think that this idea of children always come first is a big reason people end up divorced.
 justmeinnc05
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 100
What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 11/2/2006 3:14:02 PM

boyfriends husnbands etc they come n go
ur babies are forever tho

A boyfriend and a husband are worlds apart.

A husband or a wife is meant to be forever and should be treated that way.

If I were to ever marry a man with young children, I would expect their needs to come first, but I would also expect to tie for number 1 in so far as who was important to my husband.
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