| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 10:34:42 AM | It would be a terrible world if parents didn't take care of and guard their children from harm. I don't think anyone wants to support a world like that, but that's not the point. Obviously parents feel that way about their kids and a profile is not the place to make such statements for those seeking a long-term, loving relationship.
If they state anything about their kids in a profile, women seem to write either "my children are the most important thing in my life" or "my children come first."
I am so sick of seeing this. It is a huge turnoff and I won't respond to a profile with statements of that ilk. In fact, it is starting to piss me off. I'm not upset that they feel that way: any good parent would. It’s that they are so out of touch with the rest of the world that they actually think this helps their situation.
Yeah…I want to enter a relationship where from the get-go I'm being marginalized and told that I will never be as important to her as other members of her family. The children come first statement insults the intelligence of all men. Ladies with kids: unless you are trolling for utterly stupid or emotionally defective men, you need to stop including such disclaimers in your profile. Disclose the fact that you have children and nothing more. You are reducing your prospects to men who either have problems or will be emotionally unavailable to you, in which case, you might as well advertise for an intimate encounter only. Think about it: you are putting up boundaries so huge from the onset through your infatuation for your children, any man who gets with you knows he’ll be such a low priority in your life that he only expects a relationship of convenience and probably won't become emotionally attached to you. Why should he? You are indicating up front that he will be distanced.
I’ve had some good relationships with women with kids who were realistic and didn’t approach it this way. If you are seeking a serious relationship, you need to be able to open up to a man in your life as a partner. As your love emerges, his love for you will expand to include love for your children. Men are protectors and they will eventually guard your children as an extension of you. If you are going to be in a relationship, you have to take this risk. He didn’t make your family, you did that with someone else, so it is even more imperative to breathe a little, live a little and create a space in your heart to welcome another on the same deep level that led to you being a parent in the first place.
Women, if you are not ready to be an equal partner with a man, be open to loving equality, drop the pretenses. Stop stating the obvious feelings you have for your children in your profile. If you truly want a long-term, focus on the man. The rest will follow. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 12:01:44 PM | To me it means that unless we get married the kids come first. I cannot ignore school projects, sporting events or dance recitals because I might have a date. Nor do I expect the man to miss anything his family or children have going on because of me, I am not jealous of any-one's kids. Being a parent does not work that way.
But since most males my age have children, it has never been an issue. If they cannot handle it then they are either not that interested in me or completely self absorbed. | |
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LUSTRE
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Joined: 6/6/2007
Msg: 104 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:40:01 PM | | HI Op,if your children come first it means you have your priorites right,no man with any sense would expect anything else,because they are children they need looking after and any man who would be jealous of that needs to be shown the door.Im sure its just a matter of time until you find a sensible man who can see what a wonderful mother and lady you are.best wishes | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:31:22 PM | | My children come first means that if you have a HOT DATE, with a guy, and you spend all day getting your hair done, buying a new outfit, getting your make-up on right, getting the tickets, making reservations, and the kid gets sick, or the X-wife has to work, unexpectedly, or the kid gets into trouble with the law..... you will need to forgive him, because HIS KIDS COME FIRST, AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. So, always have a back-up plan, just in case you are stood up. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:41:35 PM |
if your children come first it means you have your priorites right
That is true.
And when a man doesn't want to play 2nd fiddle by not dating a woman who has kids when the kids aren't his... he has HIS priorities right too.
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/28/2008 3:51:51 PM | I think punctuation and grammar in the profile comes into play here. For example:
'My kids come first."
This is a parent who has made their children a priority in their life. They may have to cancel a date last minute due to some issue that comes up. Until there's more commitment between the two of you, that's the way it'll be. They might make it up to you at some later time if they really like you. Ie. a normal healthy relationship where kids are involved.
"MY KIDS COME FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Run. Run like the wind. Run, Forrest, Run! This person is psychotically obsessed with their children, and you're so far on their list of priorities that you're pretty much an afterthought. They're not just parents, they're child -worshippers. Even if you someone manage to overlook all of this and attempt a relationship, prepare for many nights where you could be mistaken for furniture because you're not going anywhere. And trust me, the kids know this and use it to their full advantage.
Hope that clears up any confusion! ;) | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 3:25:36 AM | | It means that I never have to worry about making her THE priority in my life, because I'm not the one in hers. So surely she'll understand when I participate in activities outside of our relationship, after all, if I'm number two for her, she should be perfectly fine being number two for me. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 3:51:44 AM |
What does "my children come first" mean to you?
Just based on personal experiences, it means she's a woman that is easily overwhelmed and doesn't know how to balance her life out very well. It's probably one of the top two or three worst things a woman could ever say. If you want to give a man the worst possible impression of yourself, you'll be hard pressed to find a more effective technique than to shove it down his throat - "my kids come first".
I realize many women think that men are genuinely dimwitted but I personally have never known a man that was so literally stupid he didn't realize kids are a certain priority in their Mother's life. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:33:59 AM |
What does my children come first mean to you?
It means "Well d'uh , yeah, that really SHOULD go without saying. Did you forget this the last time round and now you're mad about it ?"
It also means the profile says something like "I don't like liars" and "Cheaters and game players need not apply !"
Is there some generic profile that people just type their handle in ? I think there must be. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:37:06 AM | hi there, read your letter and i think i have the answer. it is hard for a man to accept that your children come first because they are, after all overgrown children themselves. and they think they should be in the same attention seeking category as a child. they dont understand that they dont always come first because thats what they were to their own mothers. and they think all women should treat them as their mothers did and thats first! hope this helps you to understand. and by the way, if you have any sons they will probably be the same  | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:16:37 AM | | I think any reasonable man would expect his date to put her kids first, that goes without saying for any parent... BUT if she puts it in the headlines that's your first hint that her kids will be first, second, third etc and any guy that comes into the picture will have to wait in line forever. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:23:58 AM | What it mean is:
1/ At the first sign of a problem you are out on your ear
2/ You always come last.
3/ You wont get the same attention you get from women without kids.
4/ The relationship will cost you a fortune !
Stick to child free women, much less hassle. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:58:37 PM | Single parents are in a tough position. Their kids should come first.
But I, single guy with no kids, will want her to be the most important person in my life. But she won't reciprocate. That imbalance will doom the relationship. This concern is not childish either! What good reason is there for me to be second fiddle?
Single parents should limit themselves to other single parents. They both can understand and relate to "children coming first". But therein lies the problem. I suspect some single parents, whose children always come first, want their second fiddle partner to treat them as coming first though they won't reciprocate. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:26:49 PM | it means your children are first period. now its up to the man to figure out if he is willing to deal with that. if he does he will find a way to spend quaility time with you.trust me on that one. he will get creative!
KEEP YO HEAD UP. | |
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42 4 U
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Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 118 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:21:28 PM | | Good question.I expect parents to say that,anything else would be selfish.I don't think its fair if a guy gets upset when a woman has to break a date to look after her child's needs,but if he likes you,he will understand.If you move in together,and he doesn't have kids,like me,then things can get difficult.There are lots of single dads out there that will be more suited to being with a single mom. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 2:22:01 PM | | I dont see how this could get any more simplitic. "Children come first" means the kids come first. Above working, eating, sleeping, above any problems your friends or family run into, and epically above relationships, the kids come first. How complicated is that to understand? | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 2:24:24 PM | I understahnd andagree children come first in most situations but in reality in a healthy family relationship there are times the adults come first (and the children come seond) and times when the children come first and the adults come second. The key is balancing things and knowing when the kids come first.
I have had a few women bring the kids on date#1 saying that they expected a gentleman to pay for the date for her and her children. This type of woman makes me run. Why would anyone not realize erly in the dating process a date is about getting to know the other person and the two adults need to have time to get to know each other before meeting the children?
I have met a few single moms who say the children come first always...okay so if you take that litteraly it means if your child has a cold you will leave work to wipe the child's nose? (no if the child is really sick or has amn emergency yes the child comes first but for a simple cold that the child can go to school with then in this case the parent needs to understand what their priorities should be.) Where does that leave your boyfriend/new husband?
If you get married will the kids give the new step parent a tough time because the step parent is not their mother/father? If the spouse/parent always sides with the child where would that leave the new person? Always second and being expected to help pay the bills? No thank you..not for me!!
If the single mom understands it is about balance then great..if not I run. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:37:25 AM | I agree........Kudos too you.....You are right!! Everyone is making a hugh deal over this and basically you have it RIGHT on the nose!! It is all balance and being there for your responiblities to these kids if they need you (when they do), But you can still have a ADULT life. Yes, your not completely single but it is not that you are saying you are second!! Sometimes the kids will be second!!
Well enough because this is a subject that is very simple, that has been made to be "way out there". I have done it and am doing it again. It is not easy , but it is very possible for every body to have a great life in balance.
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 2:40:14 AM | I think this is a given if a lady I am seeing has kids and does not need to be said.
It means she has made a decision in her life, that she made a commitment that spans her entire lifetime. She's not only commited to bring them to adult hood, possibly through college, but beyond. If her 25 year old needs help you better be prepared to support your partneer and help them too. | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 124 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:18:42 AM | When we decide to have children, we are in all actuality giving up our life as we know it for them. Upon having a child, we are in all actuality stating to the world "This is my new responsibility". That's ok. :)
It's tough being a parent and trying to date. I have in the past actually preferred dating men with children. Their lives with their children were more conducive to mine, however, presently, I have expanded my search for an ideal mate to include men who do not have children. It largely depends on the man. Some men like kids, some don't. I feel it's best to be honest with men generally within this aspect. It all boils down to this.....if a man understands the fact that I am a mother and is mature and accepting of this, that is great. If not, I accept the fact that everyone is entitled to a "choice", they have every right to move on and I respect that decision. It's hard for men who have no children to relate to certain aspects of my life due to my son. I'm understanding of this fact, however, my son comes first....period.
My baby is just that....my baby. I"m his mommy. He comes first and if someone can not accept this fact or understand, we would not be compatible anyways. Good parents always put their children first, that simple. | |
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hevgem
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Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 125 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:52:46 AM | I read this and most of the other posts (too many pages for me poor ole tired eyes) and it quite amused me.
Hell yes, kids come first!!! Dam strait they do and should.
As a single parent...my kids come first always have and always will.
Yes, i have had serious bfs (had kid wif last bf) and most of the guys i now are in complete understanding.......a lot of guys here would run for the hills.
What, u guys that insecure u cant come second to a child? That child is an extension of the lady whom u may be dating and have feelings for. Children are innocents who rely and depend on their parents to protect them.......hence the 'comeing first bit'
mmmm maybe it just the aussie guys who are understanding.......more mature maybe.
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