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Nona37
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Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 126 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 4:19:09 AM | I'm not defending solely the men on here but I have to say. I"m a parent myself and it's also a turn off when I view people on the website stating "MY KIDS ARE MY LIFE"!!! Blah, blah, blah, blah. I have a different reasoning and this might offend some people, but here goes anyways.
When you are a parent, it's OBVIOUS to most that your children come first. I have found with my own personal experience that most that advertise this fact, majority-wise, turn out to be not-so-good parents. I've had single fathers who had this in their profile right away want to bring the children into the deal, I am against this at all cost. If I introduce a man to my child, that means I care about you and am pretty certain that the relationship is going somewhere. Outside of this, no man will meet my son.
I, as a parent am weary at times of men who are the custodial parents of their children. Reason being? Some are looking for a mother for their children. Not all, but alot of men are, same with women looking for father's for their children. I personally do not have a problem being a positive role model in a child's life, but I am already a mother and not looking to take on another child simply because Daddy wants a break. I know all men/women are not like this. There are responsible parents out there, however, it's the men/women who can not handle raising their children alone who really piss me off and these things do come out eventually when dating someone who is a single parent.
Another thing that makes me run from single parents.....baby mama drama. Everyone has a story, lord knows I have my own stories and drama from the past referencing my son's father, however, it's just that, in the past and no matter his wrong doings or mine from the past, I work with him and we BOTH aid in raising our child. Our son has been shielded from all the drama. I do not want that drama from someone else entering into my life. I literally had a man over coffee who was a single parent once inform me he was arrested for domestic battery due to some stupid crap from his ex wife. I find that things do happen, but to allow drama to affect you so badly that you end up getting arrested and sitting in jail shows me someone has a temper. I can say that I understand men/women alike protecting their children, but it's just too much drama for me. I laugh now at things my ex and I use to do to each other, stupid, petty stuff, he laughs too, we are not best friends, nor do we hang out together, but we do what needs to be done in raising our son to be an emotionally healthy young man. I will not bring anyone into my life who will jeopardize this, period.
Everyone deserves a choice. I do feel that if men do not like kids, it's common sense to not date a woman with kids, no matter how good she looks. A "mother" should not be a target for some man's booty calls. Same with women. To me, a parent is sacred. I do not go there with a single parent unless I really want to have something with them, as in a future. Honestly is a great thing in reference to this situation. If you do not like kids, stay away from people who have kids. If you like kids, feel free, it could be a win-win for all involved. Kids are great, and it's a great bonding experience when single parents ultimately hook up, sharing parenting ideas as well as stories about our children. It depends on the people involved.
One more thing here. Parents need to get pictures of their children off their profiles. To me, this shows blatant disregard for their children. With all the pedophiles on the web, I feel it's not showing good reasoning for parents to post their children's pictures all over their profile. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 5:49:51 AM | This is what I have learned, but please note that I intend no offense;
YOU are #1...not your kids, or your mate.
When my son was 6 years old (now 25) I divorced his father and moved 3000 miles away from him. I "put my son first" for 6 years, until he was 12, then I realized that I needed friends, too. I had two dates with a man, introduced him to my son, and my son turned around a put his fist through the wall next to him. This was a kid who had the gentlest personality you'd ever seen. My date left without saying a word- certainly as shocked and embarrassed as I had been, and never called me back.
My son then began shouting how he hated me, through real tears. I was devastated- I felt like the worse mother on earth- risking my son's hatred for a stupid, lousy DATE? I felt that way for about 10 minutes, then, being the blunt-speaking person I am- I firmly said to him, "You know what (his name)? I'm never going to leave you and I'm never going to stop loving you, and you're either going to believe that or not, but I need to have friends JUST LIKE YOU!" He looked up at me with this "stunned" look on his face and says, "Okay, mommy", and we hug for like 1/2 hour. (I get teary thinking about it now).
My point is, I guess, is that our kids need to know that while we would indeed die for them, we ALL need other, just-as-close relationships in our lives, in order to be happy, healthy human beings. It's up to them to decide how they'll deal with it, and if you've taught them well, they'll realize it's true. | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 128 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 6:46:39 AM | I agree with what you are saying but I believe that 2 dates with a man and then introducing him to your son was a little too soon. I guess it depends on the situation. I do believe that we parents need other things outside of our children to keep us well rounded but I also believe that bringing a mere "date" into the picture with our children sends the wrong message to our children.
I vowed to my son's father when we parted that my front door would not be a revolving door for men to enter and exit from our son's life. He did not ask me to vow this, I voluntarily stated this and I have stuck to it. I feel we need to be very gentle with children upon bringing in someone who is not their parent, it can be very traumatizing and confusing for children, they are innocent and do not understand that ultimately mommy or daddy need to get laid or need a significant other in their lives. I am not referring to the person above me as merely someone who wants to get laid, but I will state however, that after only two dates, I do feel it was too soon to introduce a man to your son. I will not judge you, but that is my opinion :) | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 7:09:36 AM |
"What does my children come first mean to you?"
Throwing my two cents in at the risk of being labeled...it's not hard for only men but women too.
I know children have needs that come before strangers, sure we all agree that's righteous parenting. However, if in a relationship, I have needs too. Most parents don't understand that and think because a child is a child their needs trump all and excuse all manner of behavior on the child's behalf. Therefore, as a childfree person, you are held to the whims of someone who simply thinks, "well your feelings are insignificant because I am doing XYZ for my child(ren)." Personally, I don't date men with children. Period. If that's how you choose to include your SO, as second or third or dead last, then so be it but that's not acceptable to everyone.
For example, if I have children, I don't plan to put them above or before the relationship with my husband. Yes, they have basic needs to be met and never ignored, however, there should be a time set aside and special for the relationship between the husband and wife because without their love there is no family unit. I think that's why so many marriages devolve into roommate situations with children.
As a newcomer to a crumbled family, it is hard and even impossible to expect someone to carve out time specially for you and be committed to it. Again, because many excuse away their behavior by rationalizing it as I'm doing this for my child, instead of realizing they made a committment to a person with feelings that should be considered. So, instead of expecting that from another person, I merely don't do it.
With all of that said, at what point does someone become special enough to warrant the same priority as your children? Most would say never. For me, that's the crux of the issue. I think maybe people with children should date people with children, therefore, both have other priorities, which bring the needed balance to the relationship. Without said balance, someone is always going to be lacking and it's usually the person who loves and gets less in return, IMHO. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 7:27:56 AM | belgarion,
I take offense with your comment "Men who either have no children, or are not the custodial parent will have a harder time understanding."
To assume that we are not intelligent enough or compassionate enough to understand.
My kids are grown and have there own kids. I for one love kids and like working with them. I have worked with many kids groups over the years and was a high school coach for 4 years. I understand the attention they need.
A woman should put her kids first, but if she is going to actively seek a long term relationship she also needs to make time for that. Otherwise it wont work as stated by others. Its a matter of priorities and juggling them to make sure every one in her life is getting attention as well as herself. If she can not make time for some one in their mind they are thinking then why am I making time for someone who will not do the same. Many of us have very active lives and have to make choices as to how to make it all work together and making time for dating and a relationship is part of that.
I don't think any guy who is worth his weight would put down a woman for canceling a date because her kids need her unless it happened every date or every other one.
kiashmiah
You sound like a caring mother who wants to find some one. But you need to find a balance there or you wont have a lot of luck. I understand about your daughters feelings about this but as has been stated you need to just keep reassuring her.
Also if every time you start to meet a guy and she starts complaining, she knows she can do it all the time and will because you are mom and she wants you for herself. Its natural for kids, but you need to find a way to make her understand.
You stated " The truth is that I am not interested in the "dating scene." " so I guess my question is how do you expect to meet that man for a long term relationship if not through dating? | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 131 | |
| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 7:56:47 AM | Believe it or not, there are some of us who can handle a relationship along with still being good parents. Not everyone is denying anything to anyone, most importantly our children.
I feel people who are parents can sucessfully date people who do not have kids, as long as both are understanding of lifestyles that both represent, and yes, compromise is warranted with this.
I feel that people who do not understand how confusing it can be for a child are always the ones who state "people with children should only date people with children". I'm sorry, but that is a crock. If I fall in love with someone who does not have children of their own and he with me in knowing I have a child, it can work, but only if two people are mature enough to handle the situtation, it's all about maturity.
I do feel on the other hand that if it's someone preference to not date people with children, I respect that as well :) Children should always come first, even before a husband, and the rest of the family, we are our children's molders for life and what kind of message does it give our children when we place a man especially one that is not even their father in front of them? It's the wrong message.
Of course people have to be sensitve to their significant other, but this is where maturity comes into play. Many people have married with bringing their children into a marriage or serious relationship, they combine each other's families, it's about letting all involved know they are loved and being willing to take the time it needs to enable an emotionally healthy family or relationship.
People bring children into the "thick of things" too soon. This show's immaturity and obviously people are in a rush to settle down when they perform this. I personally am in no hurry to settle down, my son does not know the "dating" side of his mother. He does not meet men I merely "date". He's only 8 yrs old. My son and I have a wonderful life together, I have great friends, a wonderful church, a wonderful job, a man coming into our lives would definitely be an added bonus and one which I hope does happen in the future, but I will not jump into anything with anyone due to the fact I have a son, his feelings are to be considered at the utmost. If I introduce a man to my son, this means I'm in love with him period, otherwise, it will not and has not happened, it's called respect for my son.
It is NOT mandatory that we parents date. The day we decided to become parents we basically waived the right to a social life and the children should not be placed in predicaments where a different man every month/week/etc...is being introduced to them. It's ridiculous. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 9:23:28 AM | | In my experience it has meant that I was at the bottom of his priorities. We could never go out on friday night because he had his kids. He couldn't give me a ride home from work when I got off really late, because his kids were in bed and he couldn't leave them. Simply said, this person is saying that he will squeeze you into his life when he has time. So expect to be sitting home alone alot. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 9:48:15 AM | I agree with most of the above statement. There is no law and it is not mandatory for a single person without children to date single parents. I coach kids softball I am looking into starting a charity to help foster children. You do not have to date a single parent to prove that you like children.
I have had many single mom's bring their child(ren) on date#1 and listen to how rough their life is and how they always put the child(ren) first.
Those that say the child always come first need to understand how unattractive that makes getting into a relationship with someone who says that is. When a parent says they balance when the child comes foirst asnd when to work onb the relationship with the new partner...that becomes attractive.
I have had a few children of mother's who said the child always comes first tell me that I am the closest thing to a father the have had and how tired they were that mom dated different guys from the internet every few weeks. Made me wonder if te child came first or if mom's wants and needs came first. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:12:19 PM | | It's the kind of thinking every normal, responsible parent should adhere to. However in a dating profile, it means the person saying it thinks there is something extraordinary about him/herself for it. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:16:34 PM | It means to me some very important things:
a) No way that I could ever be a priority, rather secondary or even tertiary
b) *Could* be a dealbreaker
c) Should be assumed - rather then stated. Obviously your kids come first, does not need to be stated, no ones asking to be placed before your own blood!
d) In my age group having kids and trying to date does put women at a significant disadvantage. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:19:47 PM | | As a single dad who spends alot of time with my little girl I worry about that too I worry about taking time away from her for someone else but I also worry about winding up alone because i gave all of my time to her. I also wonder if I use it as a safety fence to keep from putting myself in a situation where I could get hurt. I dunno | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:23:51 PM | Means "I" bleed for them so they come first. I think when a man says that it means, you may not be there in their old age so better put the kids first It take a village to raise ONE child, think what it's like to have 1 or more and 1 parent raising them for a man/woman who has never had kids, go teach a 3rd. grade and an 8th. grade class for a week, the understanding should develop after that week. if not parent keep it moving they are not the one for US...
~Coco~ | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:27:45 PM | It's so wonderful that everyone's confesses the utmost love for their children ,ya that's nice we get it, we all have children, I find it's just another way to say look at me I'm a good parent, or the intent is to play on everyone's heart strings, sweet, I say get a life or at least try. Your children don't need you all of the time. Are you not trying to raise independent children.
Harsh words but spoken with truth. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:57:47 PM | I dont want to get at odds here but in rereading your post your giving the very reasons why I would not be a good candidate for a relatiosnhip you are describing.
You mention crisis. That sends shivers up my spine.
My parents had 5 kids. We never were allowed a crisis that would interfere with their plans. Now this is with the understanding a real crisis took priority over everything. Crisis today is not the same crisis that I grew up with. Times and agreed upon obligations may have been late but never changed.
I have tried to explain the very things you are asking about and instead of coming to an understanding have wound up in arguments. I have tried to help and be there for a Mother and it has not worked. Your ideas and suggestions are just not good enough or acceptable for "their kids". I am at the point now where I just will not try any longer. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:57:44 AM | Stating “My children come first” or “My children are my life” can and does appear as negatives to most readers.
First off, when it comes to caring for children, challenges or the little things in life come up daily and can interrupt a social life when we least expect it. But, taking 30 seconds to make a timely and appropriate phone call to a significant other is not too much for someone to EXPECT.
Nothing and no one should be FIRST; rather a mature person should balance family, work, and social events while applying good communications skills. If you cannot balance these events and effectively inform and manage the expectations of ALL parties – then I would submit that dating or the hope of a long term relationship will NOT become a reality in your life. You get what you give in most cases in life. No one said it was going to be easy.
Setting priorities and balancing all aspects of life without ANNOUNCING “who’s first” will yield a better outcome. As an adult, and a father, I understand the ties and responsibilities between a biological parent and child – it’s a given and does not need to be written.
As other posters have written, the statement could mean “I am a loving parent”. I do not assume any underlying meaning, my take on it is as it is written – the new partner will always be SECOND.
I stay clear of profiles that include “children come first”. To me it means that they are not capable of managing the challenges of a single parent that wants to develop a long term relationship. After all, their past experience(s) drives them to write the statement in the first place, supporting the thought that they are not capable of balancing life in the best way possible for all parties involved – including them.
No one wants to be SECOND. Everyone adult understands the reasonable needs and responsibilities’ of caring for children. Announcing the order of who is 1st, 2nd, and 3rd will likely produce an undesired effect. Writing the statement validates to all that your past attempts to balance LIFE have failed. Break the cycle, understand that writing “children come first” is a symptom and reaction to past relationships that have failed.
Simply stating that you are a “loving parent” will send a clear message to the reader without a negative thought. Balance and communications (both written and verbal) is the key to success. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:48:05 AM | > Simply stating that you are a “loving parent” will send a clear message to the reader
Sorry to disagree, but such a statement only has real meaning when there are some people who are claiming to be unloving parents, which of course you'll never see. So, one might as well leave that out, too. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:07:46 AM | I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed on this one... I am one of the few who do NOT believe children should come first. True, children are a part of your life from the moment of conception, however, once they grow and leave the nest, if you've neglected your s/o, then they too will eventually end up leaving as well.
Children learn from example. If the parents focus on them All the time, and put their spouses second or later, then the children learn to do that, and often have poor relationships, and don't respect their mates, when they become adults. We all understand that things come up; sickness, activities, emergencies, and such, but thats where both partners should be supportive equally.
I prefer to find a mate who puts their s/o first, and partners evenly with caring for the kids. And I suppose that is why I either look for a partner with older kids, or none at all...
If you don't have the time for your s/o, because of your kids' events, sickness, sports, and such, maybe you need to put 'finding a mate' on the back burner, until you can get your own life in order. Otherwise it's not fair to the other person, always getting left out. Eventually that left out feeling will grow into resentment and un-support, and then you are back to fishing in the pond for a new one...
Men and women each need to feel important and wanted. I've found that Men don't necessarily have a problem accepting someone else's children, but they have their own emotional, physical, and mental needs as well. If one's life is too 'busy' to share with someone else, then perhaps you need to focus on what is most important to you at the time, and look for someone once your current priorities and obligations are not so much of an importance...
CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:17:22 AM | Right on, CowTrucker.....you stand a very good chance of having a successful family unit w/ that outlook (if you so choose)! Your analysis of how children grow up to mimic the relationships of their parents is quite correct, & a major factor in why 'marriage' has become disposable.
In a woman's profile "My children come first" means to me that she sees herself primarily as a Mom......& I already have a perfectly good one of those. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:22:33 AM | Re the Op's Q : why is it so hard for most men to accept this ?
Because men enjoy being numero uno with their SO and usually are when both are childless. So, by the time they might decide to start a fam and do , they are ok with being relegated to numero 2 ( or they think of themselves as sharing numero uno ).
Some can handle being numero dos if they get into a relationship with a single parent. Most can't . Some get lonely enough to give it a shot. But, then realize it isn't for them. Like the Op said, it is what it is. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:27:31 AM | | I honestly think they're hiding behind their kids when they make such a statement. You've chosen that option "kids" in your description and maybe even written that you have a couple or whatever number and given their ages. That's enough!!!! I get it! To say more means I'll likely hear many excuses about how you can't do such and such because of the kids.... I'll probably get some of that anyway, which is to be expected but by making the "comes first" statement I'm thinkin' I'll get a whole lot more.....no thank you. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:38:35 AM | Actually I have no problem with that question
I am a Dad and I feel its the proper thing to do (I put my daughter first)
although my custody is limited to a couple of days a week
As far as introducing my dates to my daughter when I feel its time for her to meet them I will but till the relation is serious they dont need to meet, nothing worse than confusing a child.
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:37:17 AM | Some (thankfully not ALL) of the people I know who say "my children come first" are the parents of extremely spoiled children who essentially take advantage of any reason to keep being spoiled.
Personally, I like to say "my FAMILY comes first"...because it is just as important to think of yourself, too...if you don't keep yourself sane, what good are you to your kids? It's the RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN you and your kids that is most important...exposing them to new people who come into your life is essential to your family unit...how else can you make a decision to start dating someone?
Just me babbling.... | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:40:45 AM |
my FAMILY comes first
Actually, I like that. It implies too, that if the relationship becomes more long term that the person can become part of that family. | |
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