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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:46:09 AM | As a single father, my son certainly comes first. If I have to chose between going to a function at the school for my son, or making other plans, then you are more than welcome to come with me to the school.
Believe it or not, some people will just leave their kids ALL the time to go out and have a good time. I don't want a woman who puts her kids 2nd in line behind a boyfriend. To me, that's not much of a mother. I don't think the kids should dictate the parent's entire life, but they do need to be your priority. You've heard the saying "have your priorities straight".
Having said that, if a person is SO busy with their kids' schedules, work, and family and social life, that they can only fit a boyfriend/girlfriend in every other weekend, I don't think that person has any business trying to date. I don't want someone to abandon the rest of their life for me, but if they don't have time to build and nurture our relationship, I don't want to be with them. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:48:41 AM | OP you need to pick a man rather than a boy as a b/f or partner.
If I had a woman with children as a g/f I would tell her her children come first.
However, when the children hit adulthood then we would come first. But children under 18 have gradually reducing first dibs. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:58:16 AM | My children, three all over eighteen, one still at home, do come first.
I want to spend time with them, I want to share experiences with them, I want to
hang out, goof off, watch movies, go climbing with them... they are my children
after all, and really cool, loving, intelligent beings also ...
I have a giant capacity for love ... I have enough love to share with all of the people
in my life ...
Seems to me that loving your children does not equate to loving someone else less ...
those that may think that may also see the glass of life as half empty instead of half full ....
Just my thoughts here ... | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:03:38 PM |
What does "my children come first" mean to you?
Any man or woman with half a brain understands that a sick child or a crisis needs to be handled, HOWEVER... When I see that quote in a woman profile, I just move right along because to me this clearly is stating ( too me ) that the man will always be second seat. I've seen too many cases where a man marries into that situation only to find himself beside the dog and the cat in the pecking order of things. .. No body, man or woman should be second seat to a child. Again I will state that any person with half a brain will realize and understand that a the welfare of a child comes first but beyond that... | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:08:41 PM | I do want to add to my previous post that I'm not speaking about school functions, activities and the everyday responsibilities that goes along with raising children...
In fact the last lady I dated had two children and I went along to the school functions and activities... loved it and the children appreciated me for being there. | |
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| Thinking like a picky eater is a good thing.
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:39:25 PM | Single Parents - Badge of honor or scarlet letter? It appears to me that in dating there is very often a negative connotation associated with the term "single parent" because so many people use their parental responsibilities as a shield or as a defense mechanism when they anticipate disappointment from another party, or do not want to be completely 'available' when dating. "Well, I am a single parent and this is just the way it is, so get used to it. My children will always come first." What a convenient disclaimer. On the surface it sounds like such a positive attribute, which you wouldn't possibly want to argue with, but at second glance there is a manipulative tactic which needs to be explored . That type of statement is meant to discourage someone in advance from expressing their disappointment about anything which could create a challenge when dating a person with children. Sounds to me more like there is an underlying resentment and defensiveness which really translates.....Since I am miserable with my situation, understand that being with me means you will be miserable as well. Feel sorry for me and cut me some slack because dealing with this is so difficult. Oh yeah, that's attractive. If you KNOW you are unwilling or incapable of having enough balance in your life in order to meet everyone's needs including your children's, your own, your significant other (in no particular order) then perhaps this is NOT the time to be dating.
Parenting children is a responsibility which requires flexibility on a daily basis, as we all know. The same goes with all relationships in general. People who are in a loving relationship with or without children understand the importance of being flexible, supportive, considerate, encouraging and understanding. Children need to learn about the aforementioned from a very early age. Children who are taught or led to believe that their parents' world revolves completely around them are being set up for disappointment because that is not how things work in the real world.
We CAN have balance and we CAN communicate with our significant others as to our concerns with regards to availability when dating. Schedules can be difficult, but engaging in open honest dialog is so much more pleasant than sweeping the issues under the rug hoping they won't be discovered and instead wrapping yourself in barbed wire and then getting pissed off because people say "Single parent? No thanks, I'd rather not get stuck."
To address your topic of discussion OP , from one "single parent" to another - my interpretation of "What does my children come first mean to you?" is that you are giving others a warning.
This statement made by Picky Eater is so true indeed -
"My point is, I guess, is that our kids need to know that while we would indeed die for them, we ALL need other, just-as-close relationships in our lives, in order to be happy, healthy human beings. It's up to them to decide how they'll deal with it, and if you've taught them well, they'll realize it's true."
Got B A L A N C E?
Best wishes ~ | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:49:47 PM | What it means is you are not committed to a relationship with a man. And in the beginning that is a good thing. Here is the hard news.
Man and woman. Committed to each other. Have children. Man and woman still should be committed to each other and raise though youngens' the way they ought to be raised and turn them loose. Man and woman still committed to each other. All is perfect with the world!!!!!
If man and woman are not committed to each other.....and kids are around....big problems. If new man or new woman show up. BIGGER PROBLEM. Kids should still be raised to make it on their own. But new man...new woman...want all the attention....trying to get to that 'committed' stage....that they blew the first time around....damaged egos....oh man....more problems.....
Need I write the moral to the story....we all know it...after all this is an adult dating site, right? | |
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| Thinking like a picky eater is a good thing.
Posted: 6/6/2008 1:03:45 PM |
Single Parents - Badge of honor or scarlet letter? It appears to me that in dating there is very often a negative connotation associated with the term "single parent" because so many people use their parental responsibilities as a shield or as a defense mechanism when they anticipate disappointment from another party, or do not want to be completely 'available' when dating. "Well, I am a single parent and this is just the way it is, so get used to it. My children will always come first." What a convenient disclaimer. On the surface it sounds like such a positive attribute, which you wouldn't possibly want to argue with, but at second glance there is a manipulative tactic which needs to be explored . That type of statement is meant to discourage someone in advance from expressing their disappointment about anything which could create a challenge when dating a person with children. Sounds to me more like there is an underlying resentment and defensiveness which really translates.....Since I am miserable with my situation, understand that being with me means you will be miserable as well. Feel sorry for me and cut me some slack because dealing with this is so difficult. Oh yeah, that's attractive. If you KNOW you are unwilling or incapable of having enough balance in your life in order to meet everyone's needs including your children's, your own, your significant other (in no particular order) then perhaps this is NOT the time to be dating.
Parenting children is a responsibility which requires flexibility on a daily basis, as we all know. The same goes with all relationships in general. People who are in a loving relationship with or without children understand the importance of being flexible, supportive, considerate, encouraging and understanding. Children need to learn about the aforementioned from a very early age. Children who are taught or led to believe that their parents' world revolves completely around them are being set up for disappointment because that is not how things work in the real world.
We CAN have balance and we CAN communicate with our significant others as to our concerns with regards to availability when dating. Schedules can be difficult, but engaging in open honest dialog is so much more pleasant than sweeping the issues under the rug hoping they won't be discovered and instead wrapping yourself in barbed wire and then getting pissed off because people say "Single parent? No thanks, I'd rather not get stuck."
Very well said. I agree completely. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:12:35 PM |
I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed on this one... I am one of the few who do NOT believe children should come first. True, children are a part of your life from the moment of conception, however, once they grow and leave the nest, if you've neglected your s/o, then they too will eventually end up leaving as well.
Children learn from example. If the parents focus on them All the time, and put their spouses second or later, then the children learn to do that, and often have poor relationships, and don't respect their mates, when they become adults. We all understand that things come up; sickness, activities, emergencies, and such, but thats where both partners should be supportive equally.
I prefer to find a mate who puts their s/o first, and partners evenly with caring for the kids.
I SO TOTALLY AGREE with you on this subject, CowTrucker lady!!! :-)
This issue has always been one that has BOTHERED ME CONTINUALLY especially with all the profiles on here of single mothers who ALWAYS SAY THAT SAME THING!
and while i would never put myself before a woman's / mother's children, she better never necessarily put me "last" neither! Any woman who puts her own children before her life mate is only going to LOSE that life mate! Sorry this is what i believe.
Sure when you are single putting your kids first is always good - it is never good to be a "selfish mother" who treats their kids like crap.
But when you are with someone in a loving relationship that is comittted, THEN: NO SORRY .... Kids SHOULD NEVER EVER come first.
I have even heard Dr. James Dobson (from the Christian ministry "Focus on the Family") HIMSELF say that putting children first is WRONG - Put your life mate FIRST!! And THEREFORE, all the love generated in that loving relationship WILL ALWAYS emanate outward towards more love and care for the children ... it will THEREBY generate more love for the children in due process!!
ALWAYS PUT YOUR LIFEMATE FIRST.
But sure if you are single and not with anyone then by all means of course put your kids first ...
saying "I always put my kids first" THAT IS JUST NOT a valid position when you are WITH SOMEONE!! YOU WILL LOSE THEM !! | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/7/2008 2:59:12 PM | I think it's a great line to leave the door open to Allow yourself room to play the field. Im sure that not all employ that type of behavior.
It can also represent notice of an irrational imbalance in any relationship that person will ever have.
there are so many things it could mean. Some good...Some not so good. I think the best thing is to ask and get a feel. if you dont get a good feeling from it...
grab some beer and go fishing..... far less stressful | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:03:20 PM | to me it means they are content with their lives and put all their effort into their kids so there is no room for another person in their life but decided to be on a dating site anyway. boggling to say the least.
if i was a single dad i wouldn't even be thinknig of looking for a woman. i'd be more concerned with their well-being and not worrying about selfish desires. if i had kids i more than likely already had enough joys of sex and and companionship so there'd be no point in trying to make a second life.
i don't understand the motivation to needing another person when the kids really should be the main focus. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:03:14 PM | Unfortunately, as a single Mom of a son now in college, our children fall under the title of
"baggage." And, of course most men will "understand" to an extent; however how many men raise their own children full time?
Your children should always come first. You have time to meet someone when they're older. Or, look for a single Dad and you might just meet your new love. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:38:30 AM | | i think that your children should come first. single parents area package deal. the man i met here and since went on a date with has 12yr old. daughter. no way would I remotely feel first in his life no matter how long we date or have a relationship. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 8:12:44 AM | I have scheduled times in which I spend time with my children. At *those* times, they are my priority.
In times when they are properly taken care of, I feel free to prioritize time with my boyfriend, as applicable.
When I find someone that I think will make a nice addition, I will eventually invite him to spend time with me *and* them.
When I marry someone, well, I believe the husband should be the leader. However, I would most definitely want him to treat my children with parental care and respect.
It all depends upon the level of the relationship for me.
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 8:34:11 AM | OP... not all men have a hard time accepting this.
I have no problem accepting this... but I understand where you're coming from because I have kids too that I see daily.
Saying "my children come first" to me means "Please don't make me choose between You and My Kids... because you'll lose that contest and get nowhere with me if you do".
I don't consider it to be negative in any way... it's just an accurate statement of life priorities.
There are many egocentric people out there who can't handle the idea of being less than #1. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:13:11 AM | Well, any man should expect for a woman's children to take priority over him, but I have known a few who take that to the nth degree. If I made my child my entire life's focus, I don't think it'd be fair of me to get involved with someone if I don't have hardly any time to devote to them.
There are times, of course, when "Mommy" needs to be there, but children also need to learn independence and how to become self-sufficient, so they don't need "Mommy" to come to their rescue at all times, and they should know that Mommy is not only "Mommy," but that she's also "Debbie" (or whatever her name is), and that "Debbie" also has a life of her own that does not revolve around the kiddos 24/7. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:22:35 AM | for me at least
My child comes first means this..
I will have to skip a date if she needs to visit the ER.
If she is just being crabby i'll put her to bed and you can come over for a movie after she is asleep. I may even still go out.
I don't do the ultra protective mamma bear syndrom, my kid isn't perfect noone's is. If you think my kids a brat, tell me because i probaly see it too and better yet if you have a prodcutive seggestion on how to help fix it ( key word being help) then i'm all ears.
my child is the light of my life but in the end i want to share that light with somone else as well. I want to have a family and noone will be loved less just because they came into my life later. I would hope my future mate would love my child as his own. I want her to love him as well.
I noticed a comment earlier about the new man not being able to take the place of the father in the mom's heart..not a problem , my ex is my ex for a reason. no feelings there. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:35:03 AM | I think if you were really interested in the man - then you would be giving him two minutes of your time, to ring him in person and say "sorry darling, can't make our prearranged date, because my children need my attention, Right Now!" I am sure the man of the moment would be totally understanding and date you on that basis.
Think if you are meeting the man half way on this dating/kids thing and you like him enough - it will work, if you are not meeting him half way it wont.
I personally dumped a man because he wanted me to meet his kids way way way too soon, we had coffee meets - no dates - and he wants to bring his kids into the equation - Geesh didn't know if I liked him yet let alone liked his kids what if I didnt like him but liked his kids, could I continue to see them and not him   | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:51:16 AM | I have recently discovered some of what I believe the problem to be. This is an old thread and I did not read all responses, so maybe it was covered. Most, but not all agree the kids come first, I agree and understand it.
The problem isn't the kids, as much as, what does second or third mean? When you start to date, kids or no, there are needs to be met for both parties. During the honeymoon phase, people try, they work at it. Now if a woman has been a single mom for 3 or 4 years, her life has developed a pattern. There in lies the problem.
After 4 or 5 months, the honeymoon is over, and human nature being what it is, she starts to slip back to her old patterns. When it was new, even though exhausted, she was exhilarated by the relationship and took midnight phone calls for an hour. Now if she is exhausted she reacts differently. Like it or not, when you invite someone into your life, they have expectations, when those expectations are to be second or third, you must still make that person feel a part of your life, not an after thought.
Point is second or third may not be so bad, if some effort to break past patterns and communication is good between the adults involved. If this doesn't happen, resentment creeps in, and that will kill the relationship 99 out of 100 times. If you offer an apple at the beginning, you cannot change it to a slice with a bite taken out. Now this doesn't mean isolated incidents emergency rooms, teenage issues, exam problems, school issues and on down the line, we all have lives, things come up.
Just some thoughts, Bob | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 10:07:22 AM | If your kids dont come first , then you will continually let others in between, like my x does....
i think this has 2 meanings.
you dont have to let tons of different people in and out of your life and let your kids be exposed to that pool of people.
But once you have met someone you really like and care for, then why shouldnt that person be allowed to care and share your children if they are good for each other/
my experience
a wonderful man that asked my hand in marriage but really what he wanted was to be a daddy to my kids. lOL... he tucked them in at night, he loved them as much as a blood father could. but i just didnt love HIM. too danged bad
he still is in touch with us and they have a close bond after several years. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 10:37:51 AM | it is not a wonderful solution but it works. make plans to watch a movie and have some take out during the children's sleeping hours and invite them over. if you don't feel comfortable then you shouldn't be dating them anyway.
single mom of an autistic boy who still wears diapers at 5 years old and a 2 year old girl. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 8/27/2008 2:20:04 PM | "My children come first" means that the kid(s) come first, as well they should. I've dated a couple single fathers. The first was narcissistic and didn't make his children the priority that he should have; the second was a fabulous father. If a crisis came up with his daughter, which it did on rare occasions, then that naturally took precedence over whatever plans we had (though it also helped that his daughter and I got along great--she still e-mails me sometimes since I've moved).
Part of the reason that worked out so well for us in the latter scenario is that he had half custody of his daughter; I can't imagine trying to date someone with near full custody, since it would involve constantly planning around the kids. Some people can handle that, some can't; as long as you're up front about it, and explain exactly what it means to your relationship with someone, I don't understand why it would become an issue later.
Dating a parent is a really quick way to see where someone's priorities are, too. One of the reasons I felt good when starting to date the really good father is because he prioritized his daughter properly, and never whined about "having" to do things with her. He truly enjoyed their time together, and someone who treasures his time with his child is likely better equipped to appreciate and commit to me as well. | |
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