| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/26/2009 6:55:35 PM | | "My children come first" means that he or she cares about the well-being of his or her children. It's definitely something to be respected because it tells you that her or she has a truely compassionate devotion to children. I've dated a couple single parents that have used that line and I actually find it attractive considering that women who care for their children will probably care as much for yours and theirs should your relationship with that person head in that direction. I wouldn't consider it a negative in the least. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:12:22 PM | Well speaking as someone who His children do come first. It means if its a choice between a school play or a date , its the play. If its a movie with them or a movie with you. Its them. if its they need to talk or you need to talk, its them.
Unless we are in a committed relationship, then i'd invite you to join us in the movie, play whatever. In any relationship i get in, long term, i dont think the children come first as an accurate saying though. because they dont always come first anyway, its their NEEDS come before your or my wants. As the ladies children would to her.
Understand, IMHO, the person who totally divests him or herself of a personal life because her kids are in every imaginable activity, i think is unhealthy, for both the children and the parent. that wouldnt be a case of " children come first"
But the Idea in my mind of a LTR is where, after a certain point, you start meshing the lives and families. That is where to both the parties, the children come first. Thats part of parenthood, and if you get into a relation with someone with a child. Especially a LTR, you better know beforehand, your becoming a parent, or the relation won't survive. After all, the kids are forever, your may not be. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:12:44 PM | Sebastian said: Yoooooo-hoooooo! I've never considered meeting Brattney & Pissany to be any great honour, and typically avoid broken homes at all costs. Ewww ...
I must not be getting your sarcasm....but your profile says you are divorced with kids. Are you being sarcastic? Since you are a divorced and a father, I hope so.
cheers! | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:21:13 PM | kids should come first but only to a point
a friend of mine dated this single mom of a 12 yr old boy
she made him ride in the back seat if you can believe it!
needless to say he was not too happy about that..
when single moms spoil thier children becuase of a divorce. things like this can happen
i tol him to get rid of her. and he did and is glad he did it. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:47:45 PM | | It's tough being a single mom, it was always nice not having kids of my own when dating a woman with some, everybody wasn't going back and forth and feeling stretched to the breaking point | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/28/2009 6:56:04 PM | shes an adult
i wont treat woman like she was some pet of mine
my kids are my kids but shes the adult
i like it that way and my women always give me good | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/28/2009 8:53:34 PM | | This is an automatic delete for me. Just who are they trying to convince that they are good parents? Certainly your children are important, but how would you like to be put on a list of importance? Knowing you will never be as important or loved in the relationship at least untill the kiddies are grown and gone. I love all the people in my life equally, just differently. Maybe you can come in somewhere under the family dog, if your lucky. No Thanks! | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/28/2009 9:06:07 PM | OP---I'm in your boat--three kids here, too. Yes, it means that if there are things to attend to with the kids.... calls may not be returned right away, dates may be postponed, I might be exhausted, and also, new people aren't going to be introduced right away.
But when you find a guy who really accepts and even better... ADMIRES that about you, you have a great guy! They do exist! I met a man last year and told him I really liked him and if he was still around in 14 years when my kids were raised, we'd be great together, but I didn't have anything to give to a relationship, because the kids come first. And guess what... He's still around after a year, he adores me, and supports me in any way he can. That makes 13 more years, and he's counting down! I might be able to move up the time table, after all, because he supports my priorities.
And he's an adult...he doesn't need me to take care of him, but my kids do--he gets that. And he's free to walk away anytime, because it's his choice to be with me, even if I feel like I don't have much to give back, I guess it's enough. He knows where the door is, if he going to start making demands I cannot take on.
So keep putting you kids first--they grow up too fast and when they are gone you'll have time for others.
But one word of advice---so you don't have a "pecking order", or ruin potential relationship or let your kids control you--- I prefer to say "I can't put anyone else's needs ABOVE my children's" rather than "Children come first".
The first statement says "There is still room at the top, but not at anyone else's expense...", the second says flatly, "you will always be second priority". There is a difference in the wording AND the true meaning implied. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/28/2009 11:26:55 PM |
Just who are they trying to convince that they are good parents?
To me it sounds like they're looking for a pat on the head from their own parents (i.e., the grandparents), like they have guilt issues when considering maybe going on a date when they should be at home helping little Johnny with his homework, or something like that. They certainly don't seem to use the phrase with any inkling of its possible effect as full-strength man repellant.
Back to the search for a woman who says she puts her kids no higher than fifth or sixth on the list... | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 1/29/2009 8:42:57 AM | I think it wuld have to be a reasonable thing all the way around... some people can be demanding and selfish and want you to spend every waking moment with them regardless of a crisis at home.... Sometimes people with children get so engrossed in their childrens lives they feel they need to be there every second of the day to do whatever....
There has to be a balance... anyone with children have to undertand that if you want to find someone that accepts the fact you have children and keep them then you have to be willing to say no to the children sometimes... not on the important things but lets face it sometimes children can and do sabatoge a realtionship if they do not like the one you are dating or if they do not want you with anyone... I have seen this happen many many times....
Anyone who is willing to date someone with children needs to realize that they have reosnisbilities and that they cannot be avaialble 24/7 just to cater to you... if this is an important issue to you then maybe you should not date someone who has children because sometimes there is no way to get around having to break dates depending on the situation....
Moral of the story both parties have to realize that there has to be a balanace you cant dovote all of you time strictly to children and expect to find a date and you cant expect the other to abandon the children to just date you.... any sane and sensible adult will understand this from the get go and should be willing to accept the other without any conflict... just be sure to keep the balance and respect the other person and all should be fine... | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/13/2009 7:03:03 AM | diamond girl says
This is an automatic delete for me. Just who are they trying to convince that they are good parents? Certainly your children are important, but how would you like to be put on a list of importance?
you have a valid point. a very valid point. women who put this on your profile listen up.
i can't for the life of me understand why it's on soooo many female profiles. i don't look at male profiles so i don't know about them.
it's such a huge huge huge cliche'. it's redundant. it's laughable after a while. what is it a law or something that you have to state it? here you are Mr. Right, get at the end of the line and take LEFTOVERS.
it's a given that your children are important to you. but the same ALMOST EXACT PHRASE over and over in female profiles to the point of nauseum. it's like some of you put it on there and it's original. stop please!!!!! | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/20/2009 7:54:03 AM | It generally means whoever wishes to contact you has to be prepared to come second best in everything and yes you want a relationship but on your terms and your terms only!
What it really means is that you have probably found the reason your looking for a date and not with the other parent of the child or children and that you just dont know how to learn from your mistakes! | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:26:46 AM | My children come first means that my responsibility as a parent - a GOOD parent is to put them at the top of my priorities. They are MY responsibility and I am obligated to care for them, guide them and be a good role model for them.
How much time a parent must spend being a parent depends upon the age of the kids and the personalities involved. Some kids need more time and attention than others, some kids are naturally mature and can handle themselves better and they make better choices.
I could die a rich person, the money I leave behind could be used to build a library with my name on it. But ultimately - the REAL legacy I will leave behind is my children. A building or foundation is a wonderful thing - but humans are the ones who truly make a difference in society and have the power to change the world in both large and small ways. For the short period of time that I am needed as a parent - I choose to raise kids that will be an asset to society rather than a burden to it.
Thankfully - I think this type of value system has made it possible for me to have more time to do things I enjoy, I'm not so worried about my kids because I have spent the time parenting and teaching them respect for themselves and others and responsibility.
It works for me... | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 9:55:47 AM |
My children come first means that my responsibility as a parent - a GOOD parent is to put them at the top of my priorities. They are MY responsibility and I am obligated to care for them, guide them and be a good role model for them.
But why would one put that in their profile? That's the real question, as others on here point out.
Personally, I think some women may say it as the cliche that it is with nothing to read into behind it (hey, lots of profiles have cliches).
But as some posters point out, it can be a red flag. You should already obviously have them as your top priority. It's not the exception, it's the rule, so why come out and say it? Did you not earlier, but you do now?
Analogy:
"My job comes first". It does, and for just about everyone, too. I'm not going to screw over a deadline because a gal would want a date at an intervening time. I set a date at the right time, with my current working situation in mind, and it works out. If some emergency comes up at the last moment I'll have to postpone a date IF such a coincidence occurs (usually later in the day or the next; like one who has a kid would do). A sane person's obviously not going to sacrifice their job for dating. A sane person's obviously not going to sacrifice their kid for dating.
But what happens if I say "My job always comes first!" in my profile? One may assume I'm obsessed with it beyond what's healthy for me, dating is just something someone convinced me I should do, and I'll think less of them. Technically, for everyone it does come first - duh. But saying it outright in a profile can mean "look out, dating's 2nd on my agenda if that".
Everyone knows there are such things as over-bearing moms... who will cry if they're away from their toddler for too long (over 10 hrs) and all that. It's not a question of priority for the kid, but their comfort level themselves... and hey, they're not ready to truly date until they themselves get comfortable. Guys will assume that line, unnecessary to say like one's job coming first, could mean that.
And no, I'm not against dating single mothers at all, it's just a point of view to consider. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 11:37:57 AM |
azureorb said:
But why would one put that in their profile? That's the real question, as others on here point out.
Personally, I think some women may say it as the cliche that it is with nothing to read into behind it (hey, lots of profiles have cliches).
But as some posters point out, it can be a red flag. You should already obviously have them as your top priority. It's not the exception, it's the rule, so why come out and say it? Did you not earlier, but you do now?
I don't mention my kids on my profile, it's more af a protective measure than anything else. I also think - like you - that children should be (and are in most cases) a priority to a parent. Whether that parent is the custodial parent or not.
Admittedly, people have a variety of different ideas (and ideals) as far as parenting goes. I think people who feel the need to put something in their profile regarding their parental role are people who have experienced or witnessed others who as less focused on the parental role and behave in a more selfish manner regarding their own wants and needs. Face it - the news is rife with stories about Mothers who leave their children to die in the car during the summer so that they can get their nails done. Or stories about children being abused by Mommy's boyfriend for crying too much while left in his care. I'm not saying that this is the NORM - but it is a big fear for most parents.
There are also a lot of people who expect a parent to set aside the kids for the relationship - they may have different ideas about parenting or they may have issues about having to 'share' their love interest with the kids. When kids are involved, even if they aren't really in the picture at that point in the relationship - a parent can't just come and go as they please. There are arrangements that need to be made and if the kids live with that parent, the home may not be open to the new guy/gal until the relationship is solid and the time comes to involve the kids. Some people just don't understand that and it's easier to state it up front so the people who may be interested know where you're coming from before it becomes an issue. Or so that the perspective 'date' has the option of weighing out whether or not they want to become involved in a relationship with a parent.
I think the best way to go about it - especially if some one is interested, is by talking to the person and getting a better idea about how that particular person balances their parental role with their personal/dating life. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 2:31:12 PM | It means he will always come in last place with you. It means, he will usually not have any one on one time with you. It usually means "don't get mad, ever, when I break the date that you bought $80 tickets to tonight."
Yes, your children are important to you! That is a given and more than understandable. But when you make a comment like that in your profile or to a man, you are telling him that he is way down there at the bottom of a pool and that he isn't important.
Let him know he will be important too but to understand that you have children and they may come along sometimes on a dinner or movie date. That simple. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/22/2009 4:19:40 PM | I have a child and the way I see it is men are grown children need nurturing but to put it in terms of a race or status is un fare to any person. Maybe saying each has a different part of you would be best. Sure I would cancel a date if my son was injured same as I would cancel a mother son thing if my guy was injured.
I personally give my son 1 weekend day to be all his and 1 to be all the guy I am serious with days to my son nights to the guy... No one gets hurt...
It is true, what a previous poster said, children will not be in the house forever, but they are there now and it is the parent's job to raise them.
And a child even grown will take care of his parent if injured much faster than a guy who you just started dating.
It is just a matter of balance. I agree with the poster's who said if the parent cannot find balance then he, or she, should hold off dating until the children are grown.
Children are to be raised with boundries and should understand that Adults have needs also including the need for friendship, companions...
I have a mother who went to far one way putting her man over her children even when he was extremely wrong and she ended up being hated by her own children and the man never gave a sh-it that she did that anyway he just uses her and mentally abuses her. I have seen parents spoil there children and not tend to there significant other and loose the significant other to someone who will pay attention...
In all things there remains a need for balance. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/26/2009 9:37:41 AM | children are very important in any relationship. but sooooo many women have the EXACT same thing on their profile.
i see it as a useless annoying cliche'.
it's like if a man puts on his profile "i eventually want to have sex with you and i'll want it quite often". it's a given. | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/26/2009 10:16:55 AM | anishinaabeikwe,
The news is rife with stories about Mothers who leave their children to die in the car during the summer so that they can get their nails done. Or stories about children being abused by Mommy's boyfriend for crying too much while left in his care. I'm not saying that this is the NORM - but it is a big fear for most parents.
It can be -- but society is not rife with it. News is. Women aren't in position to have to prove themselves that they don't do those sorts of things. As much as a kid locked in the car, I hear more about a bank robbery. Should I say on my profile "Not stealing is my #1 priority!"? ;)
Some people just don't understand that and it's easier to state it up front so the people who may be interested know where you're coming from before it becomes an issue.
I think you're ignoring the bigger picture. I understand WHY they say it.
But the understandable reactions from people who read it is what is being ignored and the WHY behind that.
If a woman says "I love and take great care of my kids", and in the interests column have something referring to activities with kids, that's great.
To say "My children come first!" is like me saying "My job comes first!" You'll get the same reactions from the reader: Why did they have to say that? Obviously, they MAY be one of those people who put dating on a LOW priority because they're consumed with thoughts with the other (job or kids).
Hey, I dated a woman before who was obsessed about her toddler. She came right out and said it... and she knew she had a problem and that many mothers have that, but felt it'd be best dealt with after the child grew up some. She saying the "My child comes first" on her profile if she were online, would be a good thing (and an extra sentence or two of more detail).
BUT, many women who think that it JUST means "I take great care of my kids", and aren't one of those "I'll never make 5 minutes of time for my personal life, that's not caring for my kids" or "If my child wants a blue shovel instead of a green shovel, I'm cancelling any date so I can run out to find one", then NO, they shouldn't.
Some mothers aren't ready to date in a healthy way, but want to make themselves available -- that's fine... and I think think "My child comes first", re-stating the obvious would be a good fit. Some mothers have been a mother for a while and have found a comfort zone in their life where they can date and have a personal life -- and in that sense, throwing out the line that DIRECTLY implies "you come last" is unnecessary.
If we lived in a society where MOST mothers didn't care about their kids and left them hanging, that'd be one thing. We don't. In the dating world of course guys dont like dead-beat moms! The concern many guys have is about the velcro-moms, though. Women are putting up profiles for them to view, right? If a gal lived in a town where there were many dead-beat moms -- yes, that' d be the exception.
I think a woman can say "I'm at a point in motherhood where I can make time and happily have a personal life and date, but I always take great care of my kids and enjoy spending my free time with them". | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:02:15 AM | The question you ask (to me) means that You dont infringe on any time they have with their child/children. It means that they will spend weekends doing things with the children and leave you standing, waiting to be let into the closeness they have even though they tell you they love you and cant remember you ever not being in their lives. It means listening to the vacation plans, going to Italy, France, Hawaii with her and no plans made for you to spend away time together, It means seeing doggy bags from expensive restaurants - where He took the child to eat. It means the child was "dated' more than I was. It means not touching anything belonging to the child or even a frown when entering the child room to admire the new toys and clothing bought for that child. It means having pictures of the child everywhere even at the side of the bed ( at sleep overs)
It means that I never got to meet the child after almost a year of dating....
It means that we broke up !!!  | |
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| What does my children come first mean to you?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:30:41 AM | | While most men and women understand that children come first, there are those who will cancel a date because their child is having a bad hair day. Even when the children are in their mid twenties some feel a need to come to the rescue for the slightest problem. While men should take a cancelled date with a grain of salt, some women need to understand that the not every problem in a child's life is a life threatening one and react accordingly. If your children require your constant attention, maybe it's best not to date until they can go a few hours without you. I didn't date when my kids were with me, it was just easier that way. And if a man can't handle a date being cancelled or cut short he should only date women without children. IMHO | |
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