| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/17/2007 6:21:26 PM | prettypicky, I agree...
The difficulty with changing your POF profile to "friends" or maybe adding a caveat that you have now found someone, is that you are still inviting contact, and then "friendship" enters the realm of a pretense of being platonic until you are available again. There is a difference between a true platonic friendship, where attraction fades into the background with no mutual interest present, and a "friendship" where there is a romantic vibe. How is that "friendship" different than dating and waiting until the time for commitment is true?
I do believe, however, that relating as friends, and engaging in a courtship, is different as well. But, true intimacy requires that charm fades as well, and people start relating as persons, with all their vunerabilities, quirks and deep, dark issues.
I do not buy into the adage that men are looking for sex, and women are looking for intimacy. We are all looking for love, and the differences in relating are cultural, and men are a victim of their roles, and ingrained expectations, as much as women. Our culture has taught women to protect and wait, and men to persue at all costs, which just harms everyone's self-esteem. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/17/2007 6:33:34 PM | Sorry to hear about your experience. I can't beleive someone would take it that far! Pretty sad individual.
I think it all comes down to honesty. While I haven't had as bad an experience I did have one fellow, that I contacted, be really nice and tell me he was "taking a break right now" and wasn't interested in chatting. That's fine, no hard feelings, but why is he online everyday? Doesn't sound like a "breaK" to me.
Let's all be fair and honest with each other out there. It's better to hurt a little bit now than a whole lot more later. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/17/2007 7:44:29 PM | What a story. I know this happens...there are guys (I've never heard of a woman who did this) like this. "Stella", I am in awe of your ability to come back from this stunning betrayal.
Carol, I'm with you - it is best just to tell it like it is. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/17/2007 9:35:48 PM | So saying that I am open to making friends, both male and female is my way of...biding my time til I can seek something romantic with these men? Are you nuts?
Thats a mighty big blanket statement to make about folks. Check this.
Like I said, and I'm sure MANY other folks can agree with...when you FINALLY find someone, you are overjoyed. Sometimes to the point where you don't mind the whole world knowing. ANY man that see's my profile has my guy's info to go right ahead and contact him if they think I'm giving them overly friendly vibes. I'm thinking that maybe that is why YOU would leave your profile up, but don't put that on us all.
I've met several friends here. Yes, male and female. One that has given me some really good information on a topic that I haven't been able to find a lot of information on. If I wanted to continue to look for other guys, do you honestly think that I have to do it on THIS particular site where I met the man I am already with??? Thats just dumb. And sorry, most WOMEN aren't that stupid when it comes to "catting around".
Its up and I've got nothing to hide. In fact, I find it really juvenile that this topic gets beat to death in the first place. People are so used to lying cheaters that they see it in everything. Other than compliments on my pics, I can honestly say that most men respect what I've posted on my profile and simply wish me well. The odd times that someone has expressed interest I have politely reminded them to check my status and wished them luck. Period. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/17/2007 9:45:57 PM | I think it all comes down to honesty. While I haven't had as bad an experience I did have one fellow, that I contacted, be really nice and tell me he was "taking a break right now" and wasn't interested in chatting. That's fine, no hard feelings, but why is he online everyday? Doesn't sound like a "breaK" to me.
Hmm. Why assume he's not telling the truth? I had the exact thing happen to me (I've put a note on my profile saying that I'm not meeting anyone new right now) and got a hurt, angry letter from a man asking why, in that case, did he see me online? I open this site at the beginning of the day and drift in the forums throughout. I just spent an hour reading stuff in the politics forum, where people much smarter than me post LOOONNNGGG messages. There could be lots of reasons besides dishonesty. Mind you, he could be blowing you off. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/17/2007 9:54:35 PM | Trust is everything!!! If a man is going to look elsewhere for sex..then he's going to find it on here or in life's travels.
So I would say..making someone get off sites like these,isn't going to make him any less or more faithful!! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/17/2007 10:09:27 PM | | As everything else it comes down to honesty,trust and respect. There are many couples on here that stay for the forums and if you read their profile they make it abundantly clear that they are in a relationship and here only for the forums. In fact often they combine they're profiles. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 1:51:04 AM | Well i will get myself introuble and say something which alot will not like.
I car'nt comment on the Men things as I date and fancy women, but let me share this experience..
I dated a woman once and at first it was good I felt loved and cared about. Then things started to change, she treated me diferent, i didnt know if I was coming or going. Sometimes she was up beat and nice to me then othertimes she was offish, arkward and would go back on things I thought we had agreed.
One day i found a magazine and book she had, in the magazine was a articule about treating your Man like a pet dog and rewarding behaviour You want while punishing behaviour you didnt want. The book was on this same topic and from notes with the book I came to decided she had read the Mag article then bought the Book.. As I read the book i noticed how it reminded me of how she was treating me.. within hours the feelings i felt for her turned, within days I found myself hating her for what she had done.. I loved her but i could not forgive the pain done my heart, what felt to me as betrayal and her treating me as a thing and not a human she cared and loved for..
Within the week I left the relationship, I guess she and others on this board will say good for her (i did her a favor) and If i had really loved her I would of stayed..
Well what can I say? I guess i can only express my feelings. You see to me love is a shared thing. Its not poker, its not a winning streak or one up-man-ship. A lover is not a prize in competative race.
I seek to share love not win dominance from a beaten slave, (I dont train a dog by chaining it up and beating it with a whip till it sits when i say sit, thats not love thats fear and loathing) guess i dont have the words to express what I seek..
I will go and put the flame suit on and climb in the bomb bunker now... | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 1:52:06 AM | Well i will get myself introuble and say something which alot will not like.
I car'nt comment on the Men things as I date and fancy women, but let me share this experience..
I dated a woman once and at first it was good I felt loved and cared about. Then things started to change, she treated me diferent, i didnt know if I was coming or going. Sometimes she was up beat and nice to me then othertimes she was offish, arkward and would go back on things I thought we had agreed.
One day i found a magazine and book she had, in the magazine was a articule about treating your Man like a pet dog and rewarding behaviour You want while punishing behaviour you didnt want. The book was on this same topic and from notes with the book I came to decided she had read the Mag article then bought the Book.. As I read the book i noticed how it reminded me of how she was treating me.. within hours the feelings i felt for her turned, within days I found myself hating her for what she had done.. I loved her but i could not forgive the pain done my heart, what felt to me as betrayal and her treating me as a thing and not a human she cared and loved for..
Within the week I left the relationship, I guess she and others on this board will say good for her (i did her a favor) and If i had really loved her I would of stayed..
Well what can I say? I guess i can only express my feelings. You see to me love is a shared thing. Its not poker, its not a winning streak or one up-man-ship. A lover is not a prize in competative race.
I seek to share love not win dominance from a beaten slave, (I dont train a dog by chaining it up and beating it with a whip till it sits when i say sit, thats not love thats fear and loathing) guess i dont have the words to express what I seek..
I will go and put the flame suit on and climb in the bomb bunker now... | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 2:14:39 AM | So many people assuming things about the nature of love! Just for the record:
monogamy does not always equal love
(just because a man isn't sleeping with anyone but you doesn't mean he loves you. it could just as easily mean that he knows if he gets caught sleeping with someone else, he won't be getting any sex at all. or perhaps it's just that one woman at a time is enough for his needs....)
love does not have to equal monogamy
(love isn't a finite thing. an only child does not receive more love than the child with 8 siblings. in the same way, having half a dozen partners does not mean that you love any one of them less than the other - differently perhaps, but not less.) | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 2:44:56 AM | | Raine, As to your comments on monogamy, you're assuming that men consider women as little more than sex vending machines. They "behave" so that they can get nookie. That may be the case with many men, but it is still fundamentally just so wrong. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 3:00:57 AM | Funny Girl:
What you wrote really got me thinking.... I read this thread because I had a very similar experience recently and I wanted to read what other people had to say about it. Your comment and line of thinking really surprised me.
My guy & I have been dating for over 2 years. Recently I found out he was on a couple of online dating sites. While it does appear he never actually cheated on me physically I felt very betrayed none the less. We broke up for a while but recently decided to try and make things work. Of course I demanded he delete his accounts... cut off all communications with his Friends. He states that he wasn't looking for my replacement that it was just harmless communications. He felt in ways he thinks that maybe he was addicted to the internet. Like some kind of daily ego boost. (those are my words not his BTW)
Now I'm sure some people think that I'm naive for forgiving him but truth is I do believe that for the most part it was just harmless communications. But I was thinking that if this truly is some kind of addiction he is not going to quit it just because I said to. And I also believe that if he is going to cheat he will just find another way... use other user ID... other sites... there are virtually thousands of them... trust me I've been looking for him on them (just to see if he is still lying to me... trust takes time… I'm not an idiot. lol)
But reading your post (Funny Girl) and reading your profile you gave me an interesting idea that I never thought of. I don't have a problem with him talking to other woman (purely as friends) as long as they are aware he is taken. That he has a girlfriend and he isn't looking for anything other then friendship. So maybe doing what you have done he could have his cake and eat it too so they say. If he just changes his profile a bit making it clear he is not interested in anything but friendship he can still be online and I can still have my Elio. It's an interesting concept.
Thanks for helping me see things in a different light.
Michelle | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 7:15:28 AM | lovingwino - you are deluding yourself. As long as your man is talking to other women on the "net" he is not with you. Yours is a rationalization many women make. He has his mental, emotional and psychic feelers out there holding open his options for finding someone better. It may not happen right away but I could bet you any money eventually you will be replaced by someone he met on the "net". Compare it to a person who has a job. His boss thinks he's happy with the company but as long as the employee is checking out ads for other jobs you can be sure his loyalty is not with the company he is working for and eventually he will find something better. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 7:15:38 AM | | lovingwino - you are deluding yourself. As long as your man is talking to other women on the "net" he is not with you. Yours is a rationalization many women make. He has his mental, emotional and psychic feelers out there holding open his options for finding someone better. It may not happen right away but I could bet you any money eventually you will be replaced by someone he met on the "net". Compare it to a person who has a job. His boss thinks he's happy with the company but as long as the employee is checking out ads for other jobs you can be sure his loyalty is not with the company he is working for and eventually he will find something better. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 12:12:47 PM | | Wow, some intense opinions on this one!! Im sorry for yr experience and thank you for sharing it with the rest of us. I guess what it comes down to is that if your S/O has to be prodded/urged and given an ultimatum to take his profile off a dating site, then hes not the "one" no matter how into you he says he is... | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 12:19:57 PM | Great message...the women do it too/mess around.
Some of us men keep our legs crossed toountil WE know what we are dealing with.
I get this sense that looking for love on the net is rather like looking for a new car in a junkyard. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 8:18:54 PM | How do you create distrust in a relationship? Keep the account active. Those that said, "I like the forums", I have a suggestion for you and if you would feel uncomfortable doing it, than you prove me right. Give your partner the password. Ahh, we don't want to do that do we?
If you found someone you can trust and love and start a life with, why would you risk that by creating all these questions? Kill the account!
As for snooping, you wouldn't give a woman a reason to snoop if you are open and honest. The ones who have problems with privacy are usually hiding something. There is a fine line between neurotic distrust and rational caution. A good boyfriend/girlfriend knows how to alleviate these concerns with proper reassurance, openness, and (God forbid) maybe even sacrifice.
People don't survive relationships because they are SELFISH. Plain and simple. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 8:42:20 PM | hmm..I just want to say that I agree with both arguments of this story but I can sympathize especially with the author of this thread..due to similiar experience.
I still love men, most of my closest friends are males. I have faith in the fact that,yes, there are good men out there...but, after some of the experiences I have had, I've made the vow to meet them.."out there" in the real world..not cyberspace. I will still remain friends with the ones I DO communicate with on here..I just miss the old-school way of meeting people..
many should try the same, it's such a relief sometimes when you meet the "human" them first..not the 3 hr "we really connected" phone conversation..and then you don't even click in person..
sorry..now I'm going off on a tangent.. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 9:04:48 PM |
If you found someone you can trust and love and start a life with, why would you risk that by creating all these questions? Kill the account!
If I found someone I could trust and love and start a life with, he would be secure enough with himself and my feelings for him to be beyond such pettiness over some internet account. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 9:45:01 PM | | the sick individual who calls himself " enough" decides to weigh in and attack someones appearance and age...... wow what an excellent way to profess to the world an accurate account of ones intellegence and values........ but then its this small minded bitterness of which breeds this topic........ | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/18/2007 10:03:52 PM | | I joined this thread very late but it is definitely something that I have seen happening a good deal. All the same, I personally would love to leave behind this whole 'online dating site thing'. If people want to stay in contact with me then so be it, but after a few times of crashing and getting back up I've settled that the only way I'll grow towards someone in a romantic way is after I've had a chance to meet them in person and spend time with them. I randomly talk to people all the time but I find it hard to develop that last inch going into friendship let alone anything further in person because I'm to meek. But I've been growing as a person and it's changing slowly yet surely, and just having friends through stuff like this has helped a good deal. And I broke off the subject but yeah.... basically I'd not hesitate to cancel everything like this and not go back if I found someone. | |
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